Life spiraling out of control

LegacyUser

I don't know where to begin. I feel like I'm the biggest failure ever. I've just graduated college and got a 1.1 but that's the only thing in my life I can say has turned out well.

My dad has been a paranoid alcoholic for years so much so I've spent the last two Christmas's alone in my college accommodation. My mom has no life because of living at home with dad in the countryside and I feel like my only communication with her is basic niceties because I want to make her feel ok.

I'm gay and have acknowledged that for almost 2 years, I'm 22 now. But I still haven't accepted it and I don't think I ever will. Multiple times a week I end up sitting there worrying to myself about all the reasons why I don't want to be gay and this is just happening over and over again and I don't think I will ever be content with being gay. I try and make myself get attracted to girls but I can't. It just won't happen even though I really want it to.

I've got so many issues myself now that I feel like I'm losing my mind. Whenever I leave the house I have to look behind myself every couple of minutes because my head compulsively makes me do it. I constantly think I've walked into cars and broken their wing mirrors, there's been many nights I stay awake all night because of fear of sleeping in and missing work. There's just so many things like that which make me feel like I'm losing my mind.

I've had 3 jobs since May and I've had to quit all of them because of the state my head is in. Once September comes I will have run out of money and have nowhere to go unless I find another job in the meanwhile.

I feel like my life is gone out of control and it's all because of the state my head is in. I feel like I have no one who really cares. I'm sick of being alone and repeating every day in this state.

I don't know what to do but I need this to change because everyday is horrible now. I go from being happy enough one minute when I'm busy or distracted to dropping to the extreme opposite after a bit of time, sometimes this can happen in the space of a few minutes.

WIZWEB

Congrats on your college results.

Your thread reminds me of a similar one I saw a while back on the LGBT forum. Considering your age there may be a LGBT youth group near you. Also there are LGBT Personal Development groups. Check out gcn.ie. The sooner you accept your sexuality the less of an emotional burden it will be. Lots of us go through similar emotional and psychological experiences to you around your age. See the LGBT Forum to evidence this and for recommended solutions. We're not all aliens or Stereotypes. Lots of non-scene sports/activity based groups too on Meetup.com etc

Your dad and mam will only change if they choose to. As will you. You'll likely have residual effects from your early abnormal childhood developmental experiences due to your parents issues. A counsellor can help you.

What's so bad about being gay? Didn't stop me working as a bouncer, courier, plumber, in a prison, qualifying as a football coach, climbing mountains, lifting weights or many other 'straight' careers or hobbies. Admittedly being a hairstylist wouldn't be my thing but wouldn't stop me dating one.

Speaking of dating I 'tried' to reverse my sexuality at exactly your age. I dated several girls which was also unfair to them in hindsight. One much older lady had five kids and her 12 year old asked me as a then 22 year old was I his "new daddy"! If you're worried about being a parent in future don't. You can always foster when you sort your head out. If you meet a guy you like take things slow and steady. Falling in love might really help you accept yourself though you need to love yourself first.

If you think you might be a 'bottom' then work on any fear that it is a threat to your 'masculinity':. It isn't. I know straight blokes that like their gf's to stimulate their prostrate glands. I also know several effeminite gay 'tops'. Just more Stereotypes to disregard on your personal journey.

Your inner critic needs challenging. You've likely inherited a judgemental self defeating one from your parents and through internalising your homophobia. Again a counsellor will help you there.

LegacyUser

Also gay, also have alcoholic parent, much older, didn’t get near a first in my degree
Do you have gay friends of your own age? Personally I felt automatic and immediate relief to be around people that got even if of the opposite gender which I felt easier to do friends wise.
I think I remember you posting at Christmas possibly. You were outside Dublin? Have you tried going out in Dublin, attended Pride you could catch Cork Pride still this summer. Have you looked into any of the gay meetup.com groups many sports based ones if you’re that way inclined emerald warriors rugby, soccer, out and about hiking, frontrunners athletics and wet and wild outdoor pursuits. You don’t have to be traditionally athletic to attend any, great way to meet folk.
Accepting yourself is first step, parents can wait! Finishing college is a massive change and can be a positive one. If college was at home maybe try get some work away from home. I see people bussing themselves into bigger cities on long commutes daily, you could give it a shot. It will all come together. You sound very isolated at the moment.