Dating material vs marriage material?

lukasgrenwald

Sort of a follow up to the dating thread. Do you think it exists for most people. Seen it over the years in a few close friends. They'd be open to dating outliers (short men, feminine men, foreign men) but when it comes to marriage, they always go for the traditional Irish guy. Some even admit that they would never marry some people that they'd gladly date.

Why so?

DEFTLEFTHAND

Choosing a person to mother/father your children also enters the equation.

partyguinness

Bit of fun,fills a gap, playing the field, new experiences etc etc.



No real mystery to it IMO.

Outlaw Pete

No way would I marry any woman that thought so little of her self that she was willing to date me.

Cina

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

Choosing a person to mother/father your children also enters the equation.

Be tough to find someone if you already had children with someone else though and just wanted them to mother 'em.

amcalester

Outlaw Pete wrote: »

No way would I marry any woman that thought so little of her self that she was willing to date me.

I would also avoid these women.

I think we all have different requirements regarding those we date vs those we might consider for a serious relationship leading to marriage. I certainly do, and I've noticed the differences in my friends. However, I suspect most of it comes down to how ready you are yourself to commit to such a relationship. Personally, I'm not ready for marriage, and I doubt I ever will be. Not against marriage, but I just haven't met anyone I "clicked with". Perfectly happy with the women I tend to date regularly though.

retalivity

Do people 'date' now?

What happened to going out with each other, tackling or riding someone?

partyguinness

If you set out seeing every date as potential marriage material you are in for a world of disappointment.



It may turn into marriage but just go with the flow. Otherwise you will come across as desperate and too heavy.

twowheelsonly

It's like the old story of the Guards passing out in Templemore and the parting words to them are "Off with ye now up to Dublin and play with the nurses then marry the teachers.... "

retalivity

retalivity wrote: »

Do people 'date' now?

What happened to going out with each other, tackling or riding someone?

We grew up.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

partyguinness

When you are 'dating' there is only two outcomes generally.



Marry or dump.

Permabear

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

I'd suggest there's also an element of fear too. The vast majority of my friends who were married are either divorced, separated, or still married but only going through the motions to keep the kids happy. I know very few couples who would consider themselves to be "happily married".

Now, I'm in my 40s, and most of my friends would be in their mid-30s. So, the belief that marriage is forever is kinda slipping away, and for many of the single guys I know, we've become far more careful about entering a serious relationship. There's also the legal or financial side of things since many of us have more assets/savings and little desire to see them taken away to a "bad" divorce. This isn't MGTOW... or any nonsense like that. Just being more careful.

So, we tend to look for more security from a women in terms of a serious relationship, than we would from casual dating (or "short" term relationships)

partyguinness

partyguinness wrote: »

When you are 'dating' there is only two outcomes generally.



Marry or dump.

I'd disagree. There's also fcuk buddies.

partyguinness

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd disagree. There's also fcuk buddies.

Yeah but you don't really date 'fcuk buddies' do you?


That is an arrangement rather than 'let's see where this goes'.

Fart

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd disagree. There's also fcuk buddies.

You could always dump your load in them. That solves that problem, but can also create more.

partyguinness

partyguinness wrote: »

Yeah but you don't really date 'fcuk buddies' do you?


That is an arrangement rather than 'let's see where this goes'.

Depends on the persons involved. My last gf came about from being a fck buddy and we ended being together for three years. Initially, we thought we weren't right for each other except sexually/friendship, but being together occasionally, helped us to reach a better connection/understanding.

partyguinness

Deleted User wrote: »

Depends on the persons involved. My last gf came about from being a fck buddy and we ended being together for three years. Initially, we thought we weren't right for each other except sexually/friendship, but being together occasionally, helped us to reach a better connection/understanding.

Well you have kinda agreed with me.



Started out a fcuk buddies, developed into something more serious but ultimately it is over.


As I said:- You either marry or dump.

topper75

retalivity wrote: »

Do people 'date' now?

What happened to going out with each other, tackling or riding someone?

Aye. And this 'get a phone number' stupidity.

I'm looking at you NOW love. We're going back to my place like. You don't need my number.

partyguinness

partyguinness wrote: »

Well you have kinda agreed with me.



Started out a fcuk buddies, developed into something more serious but ultimately it is over.


As I said:- You either marry or dump.

Nope, I don't agree with you.

OldNotWIse

From experience, no matter how amazing and wonderful a guy is, soon as he mentions and ex wife and kids I would run a mile!

partyguinness

Deleted User wrote: »

Nope, I don't agree with you.

LOL....what don't you agree with?



Did you marry her or did you both go your separate ways?

partyguinness

OldNotWIse wrote: »

From experience, no matter how amazing and wonderful a guy is, soon as he mentions and ex wife and kids I would run a mile!

That reminds me of a date with this Polish lady about 12 years ago via a online site.


It didnt start well when it became bloody obvious that she had lifted her profile pic from someone else (much prettier). She sat by my side side for dinner obviously hoping that I would not notice.



She then spent a good bit of time telling me with great satisfaction how she had dragged the father of her kid through the courts and made his life hell.


We didnt meet again.

OldNotWIse

partyguinness wrote: »

That reminds me of a date with this Polish lady about 12 years ago via a online site.


It didnt start well when it became bloody obvious that she had lifted her profile pic from someone else (much prettier). She sat by my side side for dinner obviously hoping that I would not notice.



She then spent a good bit of time telling me with great satisfaction how she had dragged the father of her kid through the courts and made his life hell.


We didnt meet again.

Unfortunately I invested a good chunk of my life (9 months) into this guy, probably because he was, in all other ways, perfect. Kind, caring, attentive. We got on great, I never worried about him straying, we talked about the future and wanted the same things, both wanted a kid together etc. it was practically perfect except he just would not see reason when it came to his ex.

Though they’d been separated for 5 years, they still lived together (negative equity) and because of her long term “illnesses”, she didn’t work so leeched every penny off him. At one point he was clearing 4k a month after tax, and was left with 800 for himself after paying the mortgage and bills.

It kind of came to a head when he initiated divorce proceedings and informed me that he would be entering into a new mortgage with her because she “didn’t want to rent”. They had just come out of negative equity so could have sold up, cleared the debt and walked away. He never missed his generous maintenance payments to her. I just assumed this would happen but she insisted on a new mortgage, despite the fact that it would mean we can never get one together, any kid we have in the future would be paupered, and it would mean him still paying out 80% of his wages to her – while professing to love me! Of course, when someone has kids, they have the ultimate trump card so whenever we fought about money, divorce, maintenance, the future etc., if he felt his back was against the wall he would simply state, “I don’t want my kids on the street” – as if anyone would let that happen. Plenty of divorced dads provide adequately for their kids without being b*ggered by their ex wives.

So… love just want enough! I know it’s terrible because everyone is different but honestly no matter how perfect someone is I would never touch a separated/ divorced dad with a barge pole again. I’d rather die alone, and surrounded by cats.

partyguinness

partyguinness wrote: »

LOL....what don't you agree with?



Did you marry her or did you both go your separate ways?

Go our separate ways? Not really.We split up because I needed to return to Ireland and she needed to stay in China. It's possible that we will get back together again, although I'm guessing we've changed in the time apart.

By your logic, though, all relationships end. Oh, you place some emphasis on marriage, but divorce rates are pretty high in many countries and the reliance/belief people have towards marriage is diminishing.

So, no I don't agree with you. I know a couple who have been in a relationship for 20 years and didn't want marriage to ruin their situation. That's becoming a more common sight abroad since less people value marriage.

partyguinness

Deleted User wrote: »

Go our separate ways? Not really.We split up because I needed to return to Ireland and she needed to stay in China. It's possible that we will get back together again, although I'm guessing we've changed in the time apart.

By your logic, though, all relationships end. Oh, you place some emphasis on marriage, but divorce rates are pretty high in many countries and the reliance/belief people have towards marriage is diminishing.

So, no I don't agree with you. I know a couple who have been in a relationship for 20 years and didn't want marriage to ruin their situation. That's becoming a more common sight abroad since less people value marriage.

I did say 'two outcomes generally' to take into account people in long term relationships



While of course there are couples that may stay together all their life and not marry but they would be in the minority.


Like you I know a couple in their late 60s that have been together over 30 years- no children and in fact don't even live together but I think we could all count such examples on one hand if at all.



So generally speaking you either marry or dump or get dumped.

What's the difference between splitting up and going your separate ways?

LirW

OldNotWise, I'm so happy for you that you managed to move on, I remember your other thread!

I think it really depends on how it fell apart, not every single mother is a total leech and looking for a supporter and not every single father is the bad guy who ran from responsibilities.
Now I'm aware that many people choose to not get married with someone who already has children for various reasons but I do think that there is often a bit of a misconception about single parents that are dating.

Otherwise, I don't know, looking around there are many people that get married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. There's a huge pressure following a certain timeline and many people go for it when it simply isn't right to keep the family, the partner or god happy.

My dad's last relationship broke off because he's very happy with dating someone for a long time but committing to marriage or moving together isn't right for him. In the end she ran off with another guy and got married just a few months later (they're in their 50s).
Now he suddenly feels the pressure of spending the his life with someone, I think that struck an irrational nerve.

Electric Sheep

I think we all raise our standards for relationships as we mature. By the time we are looking for a life partner, we've gone though the "having fun with Mr. Wrong" stage. A person who would make a good spouse, someone you could live with happily, could depend on and can trust, would be a good parent if you both want to have kids, a good work ethic - all this takes precedence over looks and empty charm when you are thinking about a permanent relationship.

I dated a lot of great guys when I was single, I loved some of them, but I would never have married them.

Capt'n Midnight

Carbon 14 is a good dating material.

But only for dates before 1950.

Dave0301

lukasgrenwald wrote: »

Sort of a follow up to the dating thread. Do you think it exists for most people. Seen it over the years in a few close friends. They'd be open to dating outliers (short men, feminine men, foreign men) but when it comes to marriage, they always go for the traditional Irish guy. Some even admit that they would never marry some people that they'd gladly date.

Why so?

This should clear it all up for you OP.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuI6GTY9eVc

Still looking for that unicorn :pac: