Suspicious Life Circumstances

Spencer Winterbotham

Good Evening Ladies,

I am a Man. I find myself approaching the later part of my 30s unencumbered with wife or child.... or even a significant other.... in fact I have been single most of adult life...

A regrettably short but very promising relationship ended recently and i find myself back on the dating scene..

I get a feeling that my life circumstances are now deemed suspicious.... that people (women) feel there must be something "wrong" with me to be at this stage in my life having never married, having no children and never having been in a serious long term relationship.

I think it is treated with even more suspicion as I am quite attractive, confident, driven and very successful...

To add a little context as to why I am approaching 40 in these circumstances.... in my 20s I was a chronic party boy and drank myself into rehab at age 30.... I stopped partying.... completely... sobered up and threw myself into work... I guess to keep my mind off the drink....

I worked with the same gusto that I drank.... completely over the top.... But I have enjoyed success and am now in a position where I can slow down and try to get some balance into my life....

I date quite a bit but being a teetotaller it can be difficult... between not drinking and having very little serious relationship experience... it raises eye brows... It has been said to me more than once that "There must be something wrong with you"... to still be single etc...

Personally, I think I am perfectly normal.... my life has just been a bit different to most... and I find myself feeling I am missing out now as I see my old friends all settle down and have children.... there is nothing more I want in life than to meet someone and be a father...

My question to you ladies of this lounge is if you went on a date with a chap such as myself and I gave you an honest brief run down on my life... would my life story and circumstances raise Red Flags?

sullivlo

Mod

Moved to PI on OP request. Their charter now applies.

milli milli

Personally if a late 30-something, attractive man told me he never had a serious relationship, I would think he was a player and I would be slightly turned off.
You say that you were a heavy drinker in your 20s, but surely you would have met women while you were out and something would have materialized?
In your 30s, when you threw yourself into work, did you not socialize at all?

If you genuinely want to meet someone then don’t be telling women at the outset that you’ve never had a relationship. Your relationship history is your own business. Wait til you have some kind of connection with a woman before you tell her your story.
Otherwise women will think you’re spinning a line.

Spencer Winterbotham

milli milli wrote: »

Personally if a late 30-something, attractive man told me he never had a serious relationship, I would think he was a player and I would be slightly turned off.
You say that you were a heavy drinker in your 20s, but surely you would have met women while you were out and something would have materialized?
In your 30s, when you threw yourself into work, did you not socialize at all?

If you genuinely want to meet someone then don’t be telling women at the outset that you’ve never had a relationship. Your relationship history is your own business. Wait til you have some kind of connection with a woman before you tell her your story.
Otherwise women will think you’re spinning a line.

There have been relationships... they just didn't last very long....

I have never lived with someone.... if that defines it better for you..

In my 20s relationships fell apart because of my drinking.....

In mid 30s I shied away form normal social occasions because alcohol was always there... I felt a bit lost.... so just worked non stop...

I happy now to go to pubs and whatnot... doesn't bother me these days...

SimpleDimples

I don't think its suspicious or would be a problem for most women. Everyone is different, I think a lot of relationships are down to the luck of meeting the right person at the right time.

I'm mid 30s, single, no children, 2 x 2 yrs relationships but pretty much single other than.
It's not weird or suspicious, everyone is different. The right person won't care about your past whatever it is.

PS - never lived with anyone either! Don't consider it a big deal/problem.

Airyfairy12

If I really liked a guy I wouldnt care, what would turn me off is someone telling their life story on the first or second date. Let someone get to know you before you start trying to explain yourself or start running yourself down. Everyone has their problems in life and things in their past, youre not alone in that and would hardly be the first person to have a bit of a drink problem in their 20's, im sure I did at that age, wouldnt dare drink that way now and couldnt if I tried. You come across as quite introspective and analytical of your own behaviors, could this be holding you back? If you listen to others and there stories you might find that theyre not so 'perfect' themselves. Relax and get to know someone and see if it progresses and dont put too much pressure on potential love interests by expecting long term relationships and babies.

WIZWEB

I'm no lady but if dishonest or avoidant of eventually telling the truth on your past it's likely to come back and bite at some stage. Your recovery can be seen as a positive and display resilience and many positives from a nonjudgmental date (not a topic you need to share in early stages of getting to know each other). Others may have their own reasons but if they've dated you for a while and brokeup your alcoholic past is not the reason. Any arrogance or neediness etc will be picked up on like any other personality trait and may scare prospective partners off.

Though your relationships have been short surely you must have one or more of your ex's as amicable breakups? If so have an adult informal conversation with them asking why you both didn't work out. This is free relevant feedback even though you may not like the response/s. You may learn that it wasn't you but them. If you're jumping early into the discourse of settling down to have kids this may frighten off potential suitors too. Take your time. Get to know each other and just enjoy and math her pace.

You've plenty of time left to be a parent. Some single ladies may even already be parents. Relationships take practice but you're now at a different stage from your early twenties if dating others in their thirties and above. They may not be overly attracted to your old methods of courting. Not saying that is your approach but just be mindful. Though fairplay on being open to opinions of others even if I am a bloke with little experience of women. Though years of experience in relationships including with an active alcoholic. Again not judging as it was my choice at the time to stay. Again credit where it is due to you for resolving your issues with alcohol.

Also there are several regular Meetup groups that do not involve alcohol.

Jesus OP..sounds like a very similar story to my own..partied too much, ended up in rehab etc..been dealing with associated mental health difficulties since..should be getting around to relationships, but my last couple ended badly..I dunno, internet dating just seems f*cking grim too..And at this stage is imagine id come across as a bit of a freak for being single for so long..I'm getting myself used to the idea of being alone..it makes me sad, but shur, sh*t happens..

ginandtonicsky

I dunno. If you’re leading with that then maybe dial it back a bit, you don’t owe anyone your life story on date number one, two or three. I think especially with online dating people tend to be more judgey from the outset because multi dating is kind of a part of it and it encourages you to sort of go in armed with your invisible checklists.

At your life stage, most women are getting serious about their lives and are ready to move fast with someone and I suppose revealing you have no relationship experience might raise flags to those type of women.

fishy_fishy

I'm going to diverge from the crowd here.

Based only off what you've told us here, which I accept isn't going to be everything:

If I knew you'd never had a serious relationship I would wonder why that is.

But if I knew that, it's probably because you told me. In the dating phase I wouldn't be asking (actually I wouldn't be asking later either fwiw. I've no interest in knowing)

So you've told me about your lack of serious relationship history, which means you've probably also told me why. Which is all very intense for the first while don't you think?

So now in front of me there is an attractive and successful guy who:
- if he drinks, has to have ALL the drink
- if he works, has to work AS HARD as possible, and
- Has felt the need to tell me everything straight away.
Very intense...

I'm afraid I would be thinking there's a reason you're single and it's not a case of just not having met the right person. My own concern would be that if you're doing something, you're only able to do it completely intensely.. including relationships. And honestly that's a red flag to me.

If I were you I'd diall it back when you're giving info. If you're asked if you've had any serious relationships be honest, buy no need to be brutally honest e.g. "a couple lasted a while but just didn't work out in the end. How about you?"
If you're asked why you don't drink, no need to go into all the details just say "ah I did the whole sessions and going out drinking thing during my 20s but as I got older I found I prefer who I am without alcohol".

It's still honest, just less intense. There's no lie of omission, you don't have to tell someone you barely know that you went to rehab to dry out. If they ask directly, don't lie. But nobody worth being with is going to ask that while just dating.

So yeah, I'd consider whether you're just oversharing, which is making you seem really intense.

Sheog

Some good advice there fishy_fishy!

Ah, the dreaded: Why are you still single question!
I hate the whole judgment/ assumption that society seems to have that there is something 'wrong' with someone who hasn't had a serious relationship or hasn't been in a relationship in a long time when they reach a certain age.
Everyone is different, let people figure that stuff out in their own time!

A couple of lifelong male friends of mine had never had a girlfriend up to their early 30s.
They fell for their first serious girlfriends and are now all happily married with kids. They spent their 20s having fun and focusing on building their careers... nothing at all 'wrong' with them.

My view is that when you are dating and getting to know someone in the early stages: Keep it light!
Be yourself, relax, have a bit of fun.

Everyone has a past and a story to tell, and as you get closer to someone you share it bit by bit.

dellas1979

Am single female in my later 30s. I had a couple of serious relationships in my 20s.

Am attractive lady too. Am currently building my own home (road frontage!). Good job. Travelled. Lots of things going for me. Would I be considered weird because I havent met someone (yet)?

Wouldnt even enter my head to ask myself "is there something wrong with him?" Its how you'd treat me.

Being in a good relationship involves being ready for it, meeting someone you like, and finally for them also to be on the same page.

Its not as easy as it sounds! So many people end up in fcuked up/bad relationships.

If someone asked me now (who was also single) a weird "why are you single" question, Id ask them back straight why are you still single. If someone in a relationship asked me why I was still single, Id ask them how their relationship is. Its gas when you push it back on people.

To make a long story short, no, you might sound quite interesting! But defo not weird. Perhaps you are meeting/surrounding yourself with some close minded people.

Emme

Single attractive man, late 30s?

Unless you were a drug dealer in the past or committted mass murder or some other heinous crime women should be banging down your door!