lost

Kavkavkav

I've been in a relationship for the past 4 years. We lived together 2 years agofor the first time and while it was good in the beginning it got gradually worse. He seeped showering add wore the same clothes and underwear for days at a time. He was stressed at work but refused to get help. He was unhappy about being overweight but any time i tried to help it just annoyed him.
I woke up one morning and he wasn't in bed with me, i went looking for him and found him standing on a chair with a noose around his neck.
This happened almost a year ago now. He had to be admitted to hospital a few times. I took time off, I missed family events because i wanted to be there for him but it was exhausting. I felt stressed and alone so much of the time.
Now he is over the worst of it but every now and again he will relapse and I'm back to being stressed and terrified about what might happen. When i bright this up he got angry but did eventually see my punt. We are long distance now because of work which makes everything harder.
I often feel angry at myself and him. I feel alone most of the time and guilty often. The relationship isn't enjoyable any more but I'm afraid to end it. I really do love him but i just can't see any way forward any more.
Can this get better, am i a piece of crap for wanting to leave?

Conservatory

Nope. No marriage no children no hassle. He wants you to give up the rest of your life for this and he won’t even lose a few pound. I know people will be along now to tell you his depression is your problem but it’s not. Where is this going to go. 4 kids needing a bath a house needing cleaning and him say on the couch wanting grub?

Let his mammy look after him. You only get one life.

Springfields

Kavkavkav wrote: »

I've been in a relationship for the past 4 years. We lived together 2 years agofor the first time and while it was good in the beginning it got gradually worse. He seeped showering add wore the same clothes and underwear for days at a time. He was stressed at work but refused to get help. He was unhappy about being overweight but any time i tried to help it just annoyed him.
I woke up one morning and he wasn't in bed with me, i went looking for him and found him standing on a chair with a noose around his neck.
This happened almost a year ago now. He had to be admitted to hospital a few times. I took time off, I missed family events because i wanted to be there for him but it was exhausting. I felt stressed and alone so much of the time.
Now he is over the worst of it but every now and again he will relapse and I'm back to being stressed and terrified about what might happen. When i bright this up he got angry but did eventually see my punt. We are long distance now because of work which makes everything harder.
I often feel angry at myself and him. I feel alone most of the time and guilty often. The relationship isn't enjoyable any more but I'm afraid to end it. I really do love him but i just can't see any way forward any more.
Can this get better, am i a piece of crap for wanting to leave?

You cannot be responsible for his feelings or actions
You aren't doing him or yourself any favours by staying
You will end up hating him for making you stay and yourself for not being brave enough to leave...you deserve a life too. ..doesn't sound like you have one right now.
Do what you can to see he gets help but then leave for both your sakes...

Airyfairy12

Youre not responsible for him, his actions or his his behavior, youre not a medical professional and shouldn't under any circumstances be expected to deal with this. Its important to be there for people who are in need, going through a tough time or dealing with some anxiety and depression but this situation is beyond anything that you can help with and its at the point were your own mental health is suffering as a result of this. Id suggest contacting the mental health services if they wearnt so utterly useless and by the sounds of it youve been through that rigmarole with no joy.
Have you contacted his family? Do they know whats going on? do they care? will they help? can he stay with them?

I think your best option is to move out, help him find somewhere if you must but he might be better off staying with family rather than on his own or with strangers.

wiggle16

This is an awful situation to be in, and it's hard to walk away from.... but he is not going to change now and I think you should go.

You are not responsible for him.

You are not obligated to him.

You are not indebted to him.

And you are no longer in love with him. I think you should leave, and make a life for yourself. You cannot fret it away worrying about his.

Good luck either way OP x

Mr. Incognito

You are his carer not is gf

Get out

Hmm_Messiah

wiggle16 wrote: »

This is an awful situation to be in, and it's hard to walk away from.... but he is not going to change now and I think you should go.

You are not responsible for him.

You are not obligated to him.

You are not indebted to him.

And you are no longer in love with him. I think you should leave, and make a life for yourself. You cannot fret it away worrying about his.

Good luck either way OP x

I must be the odd one out as I see things very much differently . How do you know she is not in love with him ? She clearly explicitly says she loves him, though is struggling with the entire situation

Nor do I agree that she has no responsibility or obligation towards him.. They may be the wrong terms, but people in a relationship do have responsibilities towards each other - why else would they be in a relationship. I would depend on my partner and vice versa , and in the case of an illness ( I am not sure how others reduced clear mental illness to some one who simply won't lose weight and wants his grub ... you must never have walked in on some one contemplating or in process of attempting to end their life )

To the OP - you need to find what resources are available to you to support you in as much as you decide to continue with him. The long distance element my help if anything, as you could attempt to emphasis making the best of your curtailed time together and opportunities to communicate etc. At the same time only you know the full extent this man's illness is affecting your own mental and physical health - and in that regard it IS OK to say to yourself, and him, you cannot deal with that much stress and unhappiness

I happened to have two instances when I brought significant people in my life to hospital with attempted suicide (both had caused physical harm when I found them ) - I supported these people as much as I could. One got more support, similar to what you have outlined. Both are now doing well, and I am in neither life ( with one it was a case of having gone through so much crap we no longer recognised the recovered person - i.e. the stressed manipulative ill, crazy behaviour person was no longer there but if we stayed connected that "memory" continued)

And you should of course end it, and distance yourself if you are not copying, or even if in cold reflection you feel this is not anything you signed up for. that is OK. I did get the impression from your post that he has moved forward somewhat, so maybe there is an option to work on that - and be energetic with him regarding further therapy /treatment changes of behaviour -

much of what I said is really dependent on (a) how much you love this man, and its ok to no longer love him (b) how much you feel you can deal with, and if any other resources could help you out


I guess it is only fair that I add, regarding 1 of the 2 people I mentioned, I overall REGRET the time, money and energy I put into that relationship. At the same time they are alive and relatively well now 15 yrs later, and would acknowledge without my help and perseverance the outcome would have been more tragic.

I wish you the very best in the future. As a final word I would I think encourage that you use the long-distance aspect you currently have to gently loosen some of the connections, if you are not ready ( or do not wish) to leave

dellas1979

I note the OP thanks the one post that devoids her of confrontation/breaking it off (and actually doing something about it), and devoids him of responsibility towards himself.

Its your life. If you are happy to tip away as is, grand. If youre not, leave. Simple as that really.

If you stay and continue being unhappy, its really only your fault. Harsh words. But true words.

Hmm_Messiah

dellas1979 wrote: »

I note the OP thanks the one post that devoids her of confrontation/breaking it off (and actually doing something about it), and devoids him of responsibility towards himself.

Its your life. If you are happy to tip away as is, grand. If youre not, leave. Simple as that really.

If you stay and continue being unhappy, its really only your fault. Harsh words. But true words.

What now? She maybe thanked the one who expander most on what information she offered and related some experiences similar to her own

If you are talking about my post it was devoid of neither confrontation or breaking it off...I suggested but were options and expressed regret at what I personally commited too..surely a queue that the opposite of what I choose was a real option

I wonder sometimes are people who offer advise/opinion here. Ever fully considering this is a real world situation albeit expressed on a forum

If people's lives are so black and white well lucky them . Mine isn't in the most ordinary of things let alone considering a relationship with some one with mental health issues and who may harm themselves

Btw she clearly said she wasn't happy at all.. but again not every thing we do makes up happy.... Or at least that's not the motivation for doing them

Again best if luck op...maybe even just use the long distance barrier as a chance to have a non ominous break to reflect and get energy for what ever you decide

Sephiroth_dude

You have to put yourself first for once and look after your own mental and physical health, I would end it personally, it won't be easy but you sound miserable and deserve to be happy.

.......

This post has been deleted.

LolaJJ

It sounds like your unwavering support hasn't been the key to fixing him, maybe it's even enabling him...

The thing is, you've done all you can to try and repair the situation, the relationship and him. He isn't making you happy and love is a gift, not an obligation.

I would disconnect with kindness

Ursus Horribilis

OP, why are you afraid to end this relationship?

nikkibikki

No, you are not a piece of crap for wanting to end the relationship. You obviously care a lot about him. As a partner, it's not up to you to fix him. Just be there to support him which you have done. You are responsible for your own mental health.

Would you give Pieta House or a similar organisation a call to discuss how you are feeling? They might be able to help you end the relationship in the best way possible. I know they were very good to my mother when she was dealing with my brothers mental health issues. They gave her the tools to protect herself and stop enabling him.

Kavkavkav

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

OP, why are you afraid to end this relationship?

I am afraid of setting him back to where he was a year ago. I am worried about what might happen. It's very easy to say it's not my fault/ responsibility but the reality is I am a part of it.

Kavkavkav

nikkibikki wrote: »

No, you are not a piece of crap for wanting to end the relationship. You obviously care a lot about him. As a partner, it's not up to you to fix him. Just be there to support him which you have done. You are responsible for your own mental health.

Would you give Pieta House or a similar organisation a call to discuss how you are feeling? They might be able to help you end the relationship in the best way possible. I know they were very good to my mother when she was dealing with my brothers mental health issues. They gave her the tools to protect herself and stop enabling him.

Thanks I am looking into getting counselling before I make any decisions.
Thanks everyone for your responses. That was a very bad day and I was feeling very low and anxious. Your comments were very kind