Got a job my friend really wanted

LegacyUser

So I graduated from my bachelors in 2017 and got a job with a contractor in a factory. I made a friend at work who graduated from the same course that I did and had gone onto an additional 1 year degree. We spent our breakfasts and lunches together. A few months ago we both applied for a role. She really wanted this role however I was pretty on the fence about it and not too pushed. I was (and still am) toying with the idea of returning to college to train in a very different area (however still undecided). However we both got to the final stage of the selection process. She has been rejected for the role and I have been accepted (its a training scheme; there were 19 positions available). Since she was rejected she has been very quiet and going very out of her way to avoid me. I told her I was very sorry she didnt get offered the position too, which is what we had hoped would happen. She wanted this particular role very badly and had talked about it since she first joined the company, infact her 2nd degree is X engineering, the aim of this training programme is to eventually become an associate X engineer at the end of it. I am not quite sure what I can do to address the situation. If I was to give up the position there is no guarantee she would get it, its a very good opportunity and I really should take it. But I don't know how to make her feel better. I am trying to give her space but there are some situations where we are forced to be together. Its very tense and awkward and I can only fill so many minutes silence with soliloquies. She has also made it that we actually have been unable to have a 1 on 1 conversation since this all happened so I can't even ask her is she ok with the situation/talk about it.

Any advice?

Xterminator

yes. my advice is its not your job to make your friend deal with this situation better. you have reached out, now give her time and space to come around. if she is a good friend she will get over it, if not, she is not a good friend.

you would be mad to pass up an opportunity in the hope of salvaging this friendship. you have done nothing wrong and it speaks volumes about this person, how they are making you feel.

Ursus Horribilis

This is the sort of thing people have to learn to get over in workplaces everywhere. Where I work, they often give out the results on Fridays so people can sulk in their own time :pac:

If you think about it, there is absolutely nothing you can say that'd make things better for her. In fact, it'll only make things worse. It's the sort of situation that can lead to people saying things they might regret later. Leave her be and don't broach the subject.

You didn't give us any time line for how long this is going on. Is it says? Weeks? Months?

wirelessdude01

She sounds very immature. God love her but she is going to find very hard if she reacts like that to any setback. Give her all the space in the world that she requires and if she comes back, she comes back and if she doesn't well she was never a proper friend in the first place. More a friend of acquaintance due to work.

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GingerLily

....... wrote: »

She is obviously disappointed but its not like you did it on purpose to annoy her.

Perhaps you could ask her if you could speak to her and tell her that you feel bad for her that she wasnt selected and that you would be more than happy to go over the application process to see where you may have gained the extra advantage so that she has better luck next time?

But carry on and take the job. Such is life.

I wouldn't do this, she'll think he's rubbing it amd strain an already strained relationship.

It is what it is OP, you both started out as equals and now your moving on, embrace your progress but understand that it's hard for people that get left behind.

Leave the door open for her to come back, but give her space.

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GingerLily

....... wrote: »

I wouldnt think this at all if a friend offered it in the situation?

Why would your friend want to "rub it in"?

Would you go off your friend for getting a job that you wanted? Because if not then I wouldn't try guess her reaction by what you would do, because clearly you don't react the same way she does.

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GingerLily

....... wrote: »

What indication is there that she has gone off her friend?

She is upset and being quiet and avoiding being alone with her friend at the moment. She might just need a few days to process it.

People can be a bit upset without "going off" their friends.

If I really wanted the job and my friend got it I might well be a bit quiet and upset over it.

Going quiet and avoiding someone I would consider "going off" on someone - and I'm not really interested if you don't agree on that term.

If I was upset about not getting a something I applied for I wouldn't want the person who succeeded to go through why I didn't get it with me. Maybe the next time she is applying it would be appropriate to offer to help out, but the OP should not discuss why they succeeded and their friend didn't unless that friend asks.

troyzer

Me and my friend once applied for a grant to help us with our Bachelor's projects. Our project was basically a shared one and involved a lot of overseas work at considerable expense.

We were living in a shack in rural Albania. I found out I got the grant on the first day, he didn't. That was a long six weeks.

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GingerLily

....... wrote: »

Well there you go - lucky there are different opinions to be offered to the OP because yours seems, dramatic, to say the least.

OP - I would make the offer, nicely of course.

Its pretty cruel to ditch friends as "those who got left behind" because you make progress. IMO.

Its pretty smug to tell your friend why you got the position they wanted IMO, you'll just make it worse

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GingerLily

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You can be smug or not. If you are a nice person and not someone who ditches their mates because you have progressed then you dont have to be smug at all, but simply decent about it.

Oh - and I never said tell them anything, but to go over the application process and discuss it, figure out together what happened.

I would find your suggestion smug.

And I wouldn't ditch the friend, juts give them time to accept the news.

LOL!

Skibunny77

Yours aside, she had 18 other position opportunities. She needs to look at why her passion for the role wasn't enough to get her over the line. Give her time, I'm sure having a close friend achieve her aspirations isn't easy for her, it will smart for a while. Time and space should help.

Big Bag of Chips

GingerLily and ......., that's enough now. You've both made your points.

And could you please stop quoting each other's immediately preceding post. You're clogging the thread up with duplicate text and making it tedious for users of the touch site.

joeguevara

First things first is you applied for it, went through the selection process and were lucky enough to be selected. You obviously had a certain desire for this role and displayed the aptitude to stand out and be selected. Don’t worry if you are considering a different path, be proud of your achievement.

You did not steal this role from your friend and although you can feel bad that your friend wasn’t selected, you should not feel guilty and if your friend is making you feel that then that is their issue and not yours. What is more likely is they are upset and it may be awkward and hopefully they can get over this.

If it was me, and my friend got a job that I wanted I would be delighted. I would also appreciate a bit of help and guidance on how maybe I could improve my application for next time. Maybe not immediately but when the dust settled.

My best friend and I were in the same profession. For whatever reason, I went a different path and delighted I did. They are still in their job and are fantastic at it. I am so grateful that I went a different path because I am an expert in that field. I am a believer (however cliched) in whatever is right for you wont pass you.

Be there for your friend but don’t be guilty. Well done on the achievement and I hope everything works out for you both.

FizzleSticks

You are not responsible for making her feel better and are not responsible for making her feel bad.

Even when you get promoted in the work place other "friends" can become resentful of you, even if they weren't up for the promotion. You got it and they didn't. It would be a good skill to learn now how to separate yourself from their issues with your success.

LegacyUser

Hi guys
Op here. So me and my friend are good again, or so I thought. Last night there was a small incident. My friend was involved in a large charity event spanning over several weeks where she rubbed shoulders with some big names in the company. she often jokes about getting a permanent contract. last night was a work celebration and she jokingly told one of the higher up people who she had been working very closely with for this charity event in the company how does she get a permanent contract? He said that he would sit down with her and have a chat she was drunk and joking around but she made a throwaway comment to me saying I better not steal her job again this has upset me as I never intended on stealing her job and I never viewed the previous situation as having stolen her job. I want to say something but I realise it is perhaps best to leave well enough alone however it still does really bother me that this is what she is thinking.

Other roles have come up in the company she would be perfect for but she has not been applied for any position stating that she has given up all hope. The role I got was a graduate program and last year was the last year she could apply. Whilst other graduate programs in the company have came up she has not applied to them as I think not getting the role that I received has slightly broken her.

wiggle16

I think you need to be less sensitive about this.

She has given no other indication that she is bitter about this. You need to stop making assumptions about what she's thinking and stop being so concerned about what roles she does and doesn't go for and whether or not she gets them. Her career or lack of one is nothing to do with you. If other roles have come up and she hasn't gone for them then she obviously doesn't want to. That doesn't mean it has anything to do with getting turned down for the job you got.

It sounds like what you said it was, a jokey throwaway comment. If things have otherwise gone back to normal between yous during the last couple of months then you should let it go and try to forget about it - if she is bitter, that's her problem.

rainbowtrout

She sounds likes she enjoys playing the victim a little too much. There were 19 positions and she didn't get any of them, so you didn't steal her job. She didn't finish in the top 19. If she didn't apply for any other suitable positions within the company based on the fact that she wouldn't be picked, then that is her own fault. This 'given up all hope' thing is overly dramatic. If you're not in you can't win. She sounds like she would prefer to wallow in her own bitterness and misery rather than attempt to go for one of these jobs, and blame everyone else by saying they wouldn't give it to her anyway, than actually applying and seeing what happens.

I'd probably ignore her comment for now, but if she makes a similar comment again, I'd be setting her straight and pointing out that you did not make the appointments in the graduate programme and did not steal her job.

hawley

wiggle16 wrote: »

I think you need to be less sensitive about this.

She has given no other indication that she is bitter about this. You need to stop making assumptions about what she's thinking and stop being so concerned about what roles she does and doesn't go for and whether or not she gets them. Her career or lack of one is nothing to do with you. If other roles have come up and she hasn't gone for them then she obviously doesn't want to. That doesn't mean it has anything to do with getting turned down for the job you got.

It sounds like what you said it was, a jokey throwaway comment. If things have otherwise gone back to normal between yous during the last couple of months then you should let it go and try to forget about it - if she is bitter, that's her problem.

She said that OP better not steal her place next time she's going for a promotion. How is this making assumptions? It was said in a jokey way, but it is obviously how she really feels about it. I wouldn't bother with her anymore. She sounds self obsessed and this thing of her playing the victim will never end.

Ursus Horribilis

Op2 wrote: »

Other roles have come up in the company she would be perfect for but she has not been applied for any position stating that she has given up all hope. The role I got was a graduate program and last year was the last year she could apply. Whilst other graduate programs in the company have came up she has not applied to them as I think not getting the role that I received has slightly broken her.

I agree with the comment that she's enjoying playing the victim here. I'm a bit confused about the graduate program thing. Are you saying that although she didn't make it onto the one you did, she had opportunities to apply for other ones after that? If that's the case, she needs to pull up her big girl pants and grow up.

Lots of people don't get the positions or promotions they want in their workplaces at the first time of asking. It does not mean they won't get promoted next time or that they'll not land an even better position. Most of us have suffered these setbacks but it's important to remember that they're setbacks. Not fatal career ending blows. In fact, the longer she wallows and doesn't apply for anything in the company, the worse an impression she's making for herself.

At the end of the day, everybody is responsible for their own career progression. You're not her mammy and you didn't steal her job. Given her attitude since, perhaps they picked up on something that was lacking in her character anyway.

leggo

I'm gonna side with 'too sensitive' here. A very Irish way of dealing with hurt feelings and awkwardness like this within a friendship is to turn it into an open joke/slagging just so it can be out there but you can both move past it too. For example, one of my old housemates was a fiend on a night out for going for a girl one of us said we might be interested in, so we started calling him 'The Vulture' in that he'd just swoop in and try take the food out of your mouth. It was our way of saying "That's a bit poor form but we're not going to fall out with you over it anyway."

The reality here is that you're still in the position she really wanted to be and she's the one making jokes. You've won OP, would you rather the dynamic be the other way around? If you want to stay friends, just let it go and write it off as her working through a difficult pill to swallow (and while you've done absolutely nothing wrong, I could totally see how it'd be tough for her to watch a friend get an opportunity she really wanted while they weren't that fussed). If it starts to become a constant reference point, though, then just ask if there's an issue. You're right here and will ultimately win any discussion that ensues because she doesn't have a leg to stand on by virtue of her just being butthurt, so the most likely outcome of you bringing it up is that she just backs down immediately and never mentioning it again knowing that. But it comes with the risk of creating distance between the two of you by not allowing her the space to work through the issue in her own way. So weigh it up.

hawley

leggo wrote: »

I'm gonna side with 'too sensitive' here. A very Irish way of dealing with hurt feelings and awkwardness like this within a friendship is to turn it into an open joke/slagging just so it can be out there but you can both move past it too. For example, one of my old housemates was a fiend on a night out for going for a girl one of us said we might be interested in, so we started calling him 'The Vulture' in that he'd just swoop in and try take the food out of your mouth. It was our way of saying "That's a bit poor form but we're not going to fall out with you over it anyway."

The reality here is that you're still in the position she really wanted to be and she's the one making jokes. You've won OP, would you rather the dynamic be the other way around? If you want to stay friends, just let it go and write it off as her working through a difficult pill to swallow (and while you've done absolutely nothing wrong, I could totally see how it'd be tough for her to watch a friend get an opportunity she really wanted while they weren't that fussed). If it starts to become a constant reference point, though, then just ask if there's an issue. You're right here and will ultimately win any discussion that ensues because she doesn't have a leg to stand on by virtue of her just being butthurt, so the most likely outcome of you bringing it up is that she just backs down immediately and never mentioning it again knowing that. But it comes with the risk of creating distance between the two of you by not allowing her the space to work through the issue in her own way. So weigh it up.

There's a massive difference between your example and what has happened here. This person has been focused on getting this position and has upgraded their qualifications to do so. You're talking about a few housemates out on the pull during college. She went out of her way to make the OP feel guilty about getting the job after the positions were filled, even though there was 18 other vacancies. She is still commenting on it months later. I'd have no time for that kind of rubbish, she needs to get over herself.

leggo

hawley wrote: »

There's a massive difference between your example and what has happened here. This person has been focused on getting this position and has upgraded their qualifications to do so. You're talking about a few housemates out on the pull during college. She went out of her way to make the OP feel guilty about getting the job after the positions were filled, even though there was 18 other vacancies. She is still commenting on it months later. I'd have no time for that kind of rubbish, she needs to get over herself.

I didn’t say they were the same, I’m saying the thing she’s doing is a common coping mechanism in Ireland that allows friends to say what’s bothering them and move on without having to have any awkward chats where there may not be a solution.

And by saying “the friend should get over herself” you’re not actually offering the OP any help, just having a rant. The friend isn’t reading. She’s not going to ‘get over herself’ because some random who didn’t know her put in on boards in a post she never knew existed. The OP could cause a big mad drama telling her friend to get over herself because of a joking comment and they’d fall out, but then she could be down one friend. Or the OP could say “look she’s just butthurt, let it go, life is a marathon and I’m sure I’ll be irrationally angry at someone down the line and not want them to fall out with me because I made one dumb comment” and still keep her friend. It’s her call really.

hawley

leggo wrote: »

I didn’t say they were the same, I’m saying the thing she’s doing is a common coping mechanism in Ireland that allows friends to say what’s bothering them and move on without having to have any awkward chats where there may not be a solution.

And by saying “the friend should get over herself” you’re not actually offering the OP any help, just having a rant. The friend isn’t reading. She’s not going to ‘get over herself’ because some random who didn’t know her put in on boards in a post she never knew existed. The OP could cause a big mad drama telling her friend to get over herself because of a joking comment and they’d fall out, but then she could be down one friend. Or the OP could say “look she’s just butthurt, let it go, life is a marathon and I’m sure I’ll be irrationally angry at someone down the line and not want them to fall out with me because I made one dumb comment” and still keep her friend. It’s her call really.

There was a lot more than a jokey comment. She ignored the OP for a few days and came across as being quite bitter about it. It's not really a jokey comment though, she is after attaining extra educational credits in order to secure the post, so it's as far away from a joke as you can get. If I was in the situation of the person who didn't get the job, I wouldn't be blaming my work friend who got it for my failure. It's not a very nice thing to do. The OP obviously doesn't think that she meant it in a jocular way, or else she/he wouldn't have posted on it.

wiggle16

hawley wrote: »

There was a lot more than a jokey comment. She ignored the OP for a few days and came across as being quite bitter about it. It's not really a jokey comment though, she is after attaining extra educational credits in order to secure the post, so it's as far away from a joke as you can get. If I was in the situation of the person who didn't get the job, I wouldn't be blaming my work friend who got it for my failure. It's not a very nice thing to do. The OP obviously doesn't think that she meant it in a jocular way, or else she/he wouldn't have posted on it.

She ignored her for a few days.... IN JULY. The guts of 5 months ago. Then she made what the OP herself says was a jokey comment. The OP is worried that the comment may reflect how her friend really feels about her, which is making assumptions about what she is thinking.

The comment sounds more like teasing to me, than anything else. That comment could be taken either way, as a bitter, bitchy comment, or as a joke to diffuse tension, that her friend was being sarcastic and there aren't any hard feelings. I feel like the latter is more likely, because in 4+ months the only indication of jealousy was a few days awkwardness followed by a drunken, jokey comment MONTHS later. That's all, like. It doesn't sound to me like the friend is blaming her at all. It sounds more like the OP is being over sensitive and should stop feeling guilty or worrying about it.