Spouse / Family Issues

LegacyUser

My wife's mother died in 2016, after a decade long illness. It hit her hard, as she had been the primary care giver for around 10 years (on and off for the last few as she lived here for the last 4 years), and her mom died in pretty unpleasant circumstances in the end. She was severely depressed for over a year, but with weekly counseling sessions, she gotten back to a better place and she is coming into her own again. Planning her PHD and excited about life, which is fantastic. Still has rough days, but that's normal, and will always be the case.

The problem now is she now feels that my family (mainly my sisters and mother) have never really understood what she's going through, and have been very judgemental about how long it has taken her to get back to being ok. That their focus was on what they thought i needed from a wife, rather then what was best for her. There were also a few times where she feels that they acted really ****ty, putting what they thought i needed first, to the detriment of her mental health (telling her she had to stay on a trip for my sake, when she was having a really bad reaction to being on her first holiday since her mom passed). She tried to arrange a sit down with them all to explain everything, but it got cancelled due to the snow, and then no one ever made any attempt to try and re-arrange it. After this, my wife had very little time for them.

I had a talk with my sisters and mother recently, to try and get everyone on the same page about where we were as a couple, and to try and help them to understand what had been happening for the past year. But i'm not sure i went about it the right way, as i was trying not to be harsh with them (i've never had a serious talk with them before...wasn't sure how to to be honest). They seemed to accept what i was saying, but also said they were worried about me, and about whether the relationship was right for me. I assured them i know what i'm doing, and that we were had gotten through a very tough 2 years, and things were getting better every day.

This morning, my sister saw a post that my wife made on Facebook (via a 'daughters who lost their mothers' type group) about how it sucked that her in-laws didn't understand what she was going through, and it felt bad to feel judged. My sister took this personally, and wrote that that's not what had happened, and they had tried to help and be there, but my wife had refused (or was unavailable for) any help. It was kind of harsh, and i didn't think what my wife had said was that bad. My wife was already angry with them, and has called them ****ty people before (to me), but now said she's just done with them all. I don't think they are ****ty people (and i really struggle when she says that), but what they are doing is not helping her.

I just don't know what to do. I was fine during the depression, and did my best to help in whatever way i could, but i'm having a really hard time with this. I just don't see this improving, as my wife is really angry towards them. She doesn't want them involved in any way, including when we have kids (a year away at least due to financial and medical reasons). The thought of my family not being involved kind of kills me though.

Sorry for the long post...this is as much of a vent as it is about looking for advice. Anyone who has had issues between their spouse and family...what did you do?

Neyite

Putting something on FB about the inlaws when she knows they will see it, is a dig, and she should have expected some sort of defence of the accusation.

Having said that, you sound like you've been quite passive up until the chat with them and even then, you took a softly-softly approach: your marriage and your wife's doings are nothing to do with your sister, or your mother, and you should have nipped that in the bud rather than let them criticise her during some very tough times. In your wife's shoes I probably would have gone off on them before that point (but not over FB!)

I think that you need now to let the dust settle a bit on the anger, let your wife have her space from interfering and pass-remarkable inlaws for a little while, but don't tolerate your family getting in your ear about it either. She is your wife and them making remarks/ critiquing on how she /you live your lives is something that will erode and damage your marriage if you let it.

When kids come along, things might change and you don't need to decide that now.

eviltwin

If your wife posted in a bereavement group how did your sister see it Did she then share it on her main page?

LegacyUser

My wife thought it was a private group, so hadn't expected it to be seen by anyone. I assumed it was one of those "See what so and so posted today" type things (don't really use Facebook much). Either way, what she wrote wasn't that bad, and they knew how she felt after I talked to them (lack of understanding and being judged was one of the things I raised).

And I definitely had been passive. I've never been particularly good (nor had many reasons to be) at dealing with serious issues, so I've been trying to get better at that. The talk with the family was the first attempt at that. I'd hoped it would help, but as I said, I probably approached it badly.

nikkibikki

Neyite wrote:

Putting something on FB about the inlaws when she knows they will see it, is a dig, and she should have expected some sort of defence of the accusation.

relacc55 wrote:

This morning, my sister saw a post that my wife made on Facebook (via a 'daughters who lost their mothers' type group)

I'd say she didn't expect her sister in law to be in the group seeing as she hasn't lost her mother.

It's common enough i would say for families to be one sided when they view each others relationship. Your family will really only be concerned about you mostly. It's nice that they are concerned about you but your word should be enough that you are happy.

This is likely a knee jerk reaction from your wife. She needs to feel like she's got you in her corner no matter what. Anything else, ye will face and sort together. But she needs to stop calling them ****ty people. Their behaviour in this instance may have been ****ty but that doesn't make them ****ty people. They are your mother and sister and they love you. It's a mother's instinct to protect her children. Their behaviour isn't always right tho and in this instance, it may have been misguided.

strandroad

eviltwin wrote: »

If your wife posted in a bereavement group how did your sister see it Did she then share it on her main page?

I don't think you can share from a group. Either it was a group and the sister was in it too, or it was an open page, possibly mistaken for a group.

irishgirl19

I think your family need to mind their own business. It shouldn't have got to a point where you're wife needed to arrange a sit down with them to explain the obvious.
Rifts like this will go on for years if not nipped in the bud

leggo

It’s tough to tell tbh without knowing what your family’s issue is, the only example you gave was the holiday. For example if your wife was being abusive or anything while depressed, it’d be a bit more understandable.

I was in a somewhat similar situation a few years ago. I was in a bad relationship with someone with depression and anxiety and she treated me quite badly. My Mam sniffed it out early and had no time for her. I quizzed her on it and she denied it, but then it started coming out in different, passive aggressive ways like only inviting me and not her to things she probably should’ve invited both of us. Eventually I sat her down and told her it was my life to live, my decision to make, and if she put me in a position where I had to choose at certain times, then many of those occasions she would be unpleasantly surprised by the decisions I made and it’d affect how often we saw each other. She got on board and, while never liking her, our relationship was sustained and she was perfectly nice to the ex.

Even though her misgivings were right, I still feel that the way I handled it was right and may be a way to approach any conversation you need to have. They’ve made their point loud and clear, now you’ve taken it on board and are going to decide for yourself. Is there any kind of family dynamic, for example you’re the youngest or only guy, where they’d feel like they could make decisions for you? Even from a young age and it’s just never gone away? If so, that may be something you need to shatter. And they may need consequences to underline how serious you are here, in this case your wife is threatening their access to any future children so that in itself is an active concern. They could go through court for access, but that’s a lot of hassle and it’s a much easier solution to get off your back.

Get some resolution there first, an apology to your wife would be ideal. Whatever you get, go back and inform your wife. Then let her know that you want your family to be an active part of the life of any child you have and that she needs to now support you on this and meet your family half way, because what you want should matter too. Hopefully she appreciates the support you’ve given her and will realise that this is how she can give it back and that’s resolved. But there’s a plan A for you anyway.

Use this thread as an ongoing aid if you need, as there’s no overnight solution here and will need to get done in stages (some of which may not work).

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Teyla Emmagan

relacc55 wrote:

The problem now is she now feels that my family (mainly my sisters and mother) have never really understood what she's going through, and have been very judgemental about how long it has taken her to get back to being ok. That their focus was on what they thought i needed from a wife, rather then what was best for her.

This is what stood out to me. It's very very difficult to handle people's expectations about how they think you 'should' be behaving when you're not well. And an awful lot of resentment can build up in relation to perceived callousness. The last thing you need when you are barely holding it together is more pressure. I think your mother and sisters should be the ones to reach out to be honest. They may only have being thinking of you best interests but sometimes that is not a good enough excuse for not being considerate. I can totally empathise with your wife's anger TBH, though I don't think passive aggressive Facebook remarks are the way to resolve this.