How important is sex to guys when dating someone?

LegacyUser

So I’m 27 and just ended an 8 week thing with a guy because I felt he was obsessed with sex and I began to feel it was all he was thinking about and some things he said/asked made me feel really uncomfortable. I spoke to my friends about it and they thought he was a bit off but that most guys are similar now in that they feel they place a bit too much emphasis on sex.

So myself and this guy started sleeping together 3 weeks ago. We got on really well from the first date and the chemistry was there and after 5 weeks of dating I couldn’t wait to have sex. It was really good and we spent a weekend together where we did little else. I feel that attraction is so important in the initial stages and from there on and was delighted that when we did start to have sex that we definitely had that physical spark. Slowly since then, he seems to have spoken about nothing else. He constantly brought it up when we were texting. He also seemed to push boundaries in terms of asking me if I would let him do certain stuff. Earlyish in our time together he brought up something embarrassing that supposedly happened him in a previous relationship. He was asked for pictures of himself and he made an error and almost sent them to the wrong person. He spoke about how he would never expect me to do that as there was so much trust needed to do something like that and two weeks later he asked me would I like pictures of him.

He also seemed to talk an excessive amount about certain fantasies he had and even sent me on pictures joking about me wearing certain stuff in bed. Just to note I have no problem with most of what he did but I honestly felt like he began to see me as a sex object and less as someone he was seeing and trying to get to know. He had told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and was only interested in me so to me when someone tells you that, it’s about more than sex. I literally just felt like he lost interest in me as a person once we started having sex. I don’t consider myself backwards in any way when it comes to this but I gradually started to fancy him less and less since we slept together. The last straw being when he asked about cuming on my face. I said no way and then he backtracked and said oh I wasn’t asking for permission I was just asking what you thought of it.

I posted here as while my friends thought I did the right thing and I’ve no regrets myself I’m just wondering was his level of sex talk/focus normal and is this par for the course these days. I feel like he went from having normal intellectual conversations to constantly bringing up sex and talking about what he wanted to do. I lost interest in him and by the weekend I wasn’t looking forward to having sex with him anymore as I felt I had to live up to these ideas he has and certain things he said and backtracked in when questioned made me think if we continued he would base our relationship around sex and not much else.
Is this normal for lads of this age or was he ott?

LuckyLloyd

Everyone is different. Every relationship is different and different relationships can illicit different sexual behaviours from people. You made the right decision if you were uncomfortable and the lesson might be to define your limits / interests earlier. But I wouldn't think that this is normal or, really, that "normal" is a good word to use on this stuff. Everyone will be different and all that really matters is that communication is good and open and you feel comfortable and satisfied by how things are in the relationship you're in at that point in time.

LolaJJ

I think it's pretty unfair to accuse "All-Guys" of being like anything.

Some guys talk about sex a lot, some guys don't. It's probably more acceptable to be open about sex these days and as such people (men and women) may be more likely to talk about it.

Maybe this guy had a higher sex drive than you. If it made you feel uncomfortable then you did the right thing ending it. I personally would also have found that to be a turn-off.

My boyfriend has a really high sex drive but also really respects me and he was months plucking up the courage to be very subtly suggestive now and again. I love that.

You'll find someone who gets you, and you'll know...

zapper55

I've had similar experiences OP. I can understand why you'd wonder if this is normal if your friends have also found the same thing.

But thankfully they are in a minority. I think it tends to be guys that have more experience with sex from porn than actual real life. You were right to trust your instincts. You'll find someone you click with more.

Mr. Incognito

If you were uncomfortable then you werent on the same page

I hate when people say that certain things are or are not "normal".

There's no rules when it comes to sex only that both people consent and are on the same page.

He asked about certain things he would like. It made you uncomfortable.

You are doing both of you a favour in those circumstances.

WIZWEB

I enjoy it as much as the next guy/girl. However if someone is pushing my boundaries early on (these days after lessons learnt) I see that as disrespect. If they are really pushy early on to get their needs met during the 'courting' phase then I see it as a big red flag. If it's an agreed casual thing then the rules are different of course.

charlietheminxx

OP to play devils advocate, the only way you can establish boundaries with someone is to ask them would they like x or y or do they enjoy z.

He said he wouldn’t ask for photos because of the trust that’s required, but then he offered photos of himself - thereby demonstrating he trusted you?

Obviously you’re uncomfortable with some of the things he suggested or find them distasteful, but how would he know that if he doesn’t ask or raise the subject?

I would agree that you’re not well suited and it’s probably for the best that it ended, but that doesn’t make either of you normal or abnormal.

Did you continue going on dates once you became intimate or were all your encounters solely bedroom based? If it’s the latter, I wouldn’t be happy with that either. Sex is so important and it can easily become the focal point in the early lusty stages, but it shouldn’t be the sole focus of the relationship.

ginandtonicsky

It sounds like you were sexually incompatible tbh. Maybe once the sexual floodgates were opened he decided to push boundaries because he has a high sex drive / certain preferences.

You’re well within your rights to feel uncomfortable and like it’s not for you though, and in this case I think you did the right thing. I’m all for suggestiveness and exploring with someone new, but if it’s to the detriment of the emotional and mental side of things, I’d probably feel pretty uncomfortable like you.

tara73

I think you're very right to not feel comfortable and therefore losing interest in having sex with this guy.
Everybody is different, but I would be the same as you. I wouldn't like a guy to be talking about sex and what he would like in that excess, being that early in a relationship.

I also don't get what's it about this 'pic sending thing' these days. Why would one need naked (if that's what he wanted to sent) pics from his partner ? Most likely you will see him/her a lot, especially in the early days and if you want to fantasise, use your imagination.

OP, from my point of view your feelings are right, he's over the top with his behaviour.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. First off I want to reiterate the fact that I would consider myself to have a high sex drive as well once I’ve gotten to know someone and established that there is something worth pursuing. When I met this guy first, we got on really well and I loved the fact that I could have a normal conversation with him, be that about something on the news or about ourselves. The attraction grew over time and I genuinely could not wait to sleep with him and really enjoyed it, and looked forward to doing it again and again which we did.

The main issue I have was that after we had sex it seemed to be all he talked about, whether it was asking me if I had any fantasies, sending me pictures of how we would like me to dress up, asking what I thought of x or y. The normal interesting conversations seemed to completely stop and in their place was constant chats about sex, where to have sex, what we would do, what he would like to do etc. I really felt like he saw “us” as solely two people to have sex.
Some of the things he spoke about while I wasn’t into some of them I felt that wasn’t what turned me off. It was the fact that he started bringing all of this up the day after we had sex and every single day he brought it up in some way while we were texting. We still went on dates and enjoyed them and the actual sex was really good and he never tried overstepping any boundaries etc. The only thing he suggested that grossed me out was cuming on a certain part of me and when I said no way he went on about what if it happened by accident.

He used to often text when he was out with his friends and would say he was looking forward to our walk/cinema date or whatever and after having sex these texts changes from that and became more of what he wanted to do to me and how I didn’t realize how much he wanted me etc etc.

alibab

zapper55 wrote: »

I've had similar experiences OP. I can understand why you'd wonder if this is normal if your friends have also found the same thing.

But thankfully they are in a minority. I think it tends to be guys that have more experience with sex from porn than actual real life. You were right to trust your instincts. You'll find someone you click with more.

Similar experience also and like this poster I figured out it had to do with porn . I was uncomfortable in the relationship and realized after that when I looked back the proper dating stopped once he got me to the bedroom . The requests started off as benign but got more and more till one day I felt that I was in a porno movie and just a piece of meat . Constantly taking about fantasies etc and requesting pics . I started going off sex it became a chore and something for his enjoyment only . When I looked at the benefits of the relationship to me I could not name any so ended it .

Katgurl

Like other posters I don't think whether or not it is normal is really relevant (I can tell you it's not all guys though).

I also don't agree that the problem is you're sexually incompatible.

The main problem imo is that you stopped getting to know him on any other level and that became boring to you. He essentially became boring. So you're perfectly entitled to be turned off by that. I have experienced the same and had a similar reaction.

khaldrogo

In general men think about sex more than women. This is not news. Its just how we are wired with the odd exception obviously.

However, he sounds a bit immature and like someone who gets his ideas on a sexual relationship from porn. Cumming on faces is definitely some women's kink but it is definitely not something the vast majority of us would do on the regular. And while he should be allowed to bring up things he might be interested in trying, its not something I would have brought up so soon.

Maybe if you had of spoken to him about it he would have calmed down and you could have recovered the attraction. He should have at least been given the chance IMO.

sexmag

khaldrogo wrote: »

However, he sounds a bit immature and like someone who gets his ideas on a sexual relationship from porn. Cumming on faces is definitely some women's kink but it is definitely not something the vast majority of us would do on the regular. And while he should be allowed to bring up things he might be interested in trying, its not something I would have brought up so soon.

Maybe if you had of spoken to him about it he would have calmed down and you could have recovered the attraction. He should have at least been given the chance IMO.

I second this and was going to say pretty much the same thing.

Op did you bring it up that he was talking about sex too much? Maybe he didnt know and just needed queue to tone it back, clearly he has the ability to mentally stimulate you as you describe how great the conversation were.

But in saying that if he has links you aren't comfortable with you are 100% within your right to call it a day. Both of you deserve to be happy

leggo

I'm on pretty much the same page as everyone else here in that there's no 'normal', it's a compatibility thing, but you've every right to feel comfortable etc. The only thing that gets me a little bit is that it seems to be a consistent thing in your life. So, not being able to read your texts and get a full appreciation for what's being said and also hearing your friends (who would have a bit more information no doubt) say that what you're getting is fairly standard, that makes me wonder if maybe there could be some issues there on your end.

For me, personally as a guy, it's not uncommon to steer clear from heavy sex talk (maybe some suggestive stuff) in the early days as a matter of respect while you gauge each other's levels. But yeah, it'd be normal enough that once you have sex, especially if it's good, the floodgates open a bit. Now for all normal conversation to cease? No, that'd be strange too, you'd still talk about normal things too. But it's a sign of a good sex life if you both become a bit obsessed about doing more and more of it and communicating openly about what you like or want to try. Ideally you want both people to be on the same page though.

Could there be stuff from your past perhaps that has sex in your head as 'dirty' or 'wrong'? How do you feel about guys who want sex all the time, do you think there's something wrong with them? Because it's an okay thing to want a lot of. Again, the fact that it's a recurring theme with you just makes me think there might be something niggling there and it would be in your best interest to look into that if there is.

But yeah, as for this guy, if you're not feeling it anymore and are a bit put off, it's probably best for both parties if you call it a day and focus on yourself here.

LegacyUser

Leggo I don’t feel that there is something in my past that has sex as dirty and wrong. I feel like I have a healthy attitude towards Alex and after having sex with him for the first time I couldn’t wait to do it again. The thing that really bothers me is when I feel a guy sees a girl purely as someone to have sex with. In my own head I equate that to a lack of respect and a guy seeing me as less of a person, moreso a sex object. That may sound harsh but it’s how I feel. In other relationships I never experienced anything like this excessive chat about sex. Yes we spoke about it but every conversation wasn’t brought back to sex and they still seemed to see me as a person and looked forward to other things along with sex.

When I am comfortable with someone I look forward to sex and in previous relationships I was often the one with a higher sex drive. I made a joke about the excessive levels of sex talk with this guy as I didn’t want him to feel like I thought he was some kind of creep. I just mentioned in a light hearted way that I wonder if we could have a normal conversation that night without constant talk about sex stuff. He turned it back on me and asked if I didn’t like talking about it. I said not excessively as had been the case since we slept together. He took the point on board for about two days and was back to talking about it constantly after a short space of time.

LegacyUser

OP I would have 100% ended it as well. I'm not a prude and would be quite open-minded but I've been in that situation before and it didn't end well. When normal everyday conversations disappear and all someone can talk about is sex then to me it's pretty clear what they want from me. In my situation, they had initially just been buttering me up and wanted a fck buddy type situation. Now I'm not saying that's what was happening here but I am always wary of people who rush into things.

I also think that it's fine to ask someone if they like x y and z but in such a short space of time alarm bells would be ringing for me.

LegacyUser

wislico wrote: »

I lost interest in him and by the weekend I wasn’t looking forward to having sex with him anymore as I felt I had to live up to these ideas he has and certain things he said and backtracked in when questioned made me think if we continued he would base our relationship around sex and not much else.
Is this normal for lads of this age or was he ott?

putting this from the perspective of both sides I (male) dated a girl who was also obsessed with s*x like you say this fellow is so I do not think it has a lot to do with him being male- it may come as a surprise to you but there are alot of girls out there too who are pretty filthy minded and want to try all sorts

this girl i referred to above was into photos too, s*x in public places, talked about it all the time and was very fond of the very thing that you mention above that was the final straw for you.

its possible that he dated one of those girls recently and now that is the relationship that he expects. not all people are like that of course but its not just a male thing anymore, you are just not having the same views as him and thats absolutely fine.

shakeitoff

Personally don't care but a lot of my mates would prob consider dating based on how much she's putting out and develop feelings later. Thanks society.

joeguevara

The issue is not what he said or his preferences. The issue is he is not trying to be a boyfriend and is acting like a fcuk buddy.

Of course sex is important to both parties of a relationship and sexting has a time and place. But should not take over from normal texting that brings people closer. The cumming on the face question is bizarre. Sounds juvenile. Why would anyone ask and then backtrack. Sounds like he is not sexually mature.

Don’t worry about is this being normal. It is not. When you meet the right person and have a proper emotional and sexual relationship, you will count your luck stars that’s this guy showed his true colors.

Similarly, he may meet someone who enjoys his sexting and will be normal to them. Then again, he actually sounds like the guy off inbetweeners.

Big Bag of Chips

ANDREWMUFC, I've deleted your post. Personal Issues is an advice forum. We expect posters to offer advice to the OP when posting. Please read The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues again to familiarise yourself with the type of posting requires here.

sexmag

"joeguevara wrote: »

The cumming on the face question is bizarre. Sounds juvenile. Why would anyone ask and then backtrack. Sounds like he is not sexually matue.

joeguevara wrote: »

Don’t worry about is this being normal. It is not.

Again it has been pointed out in this thread that this is incorrect.

What is and isn't normal differs from relationship to relationship, whats normal for someone may not be for someone else so this piece of advice should be disregarded as you are telling op and others who read this what should be ok and what shouldn't be in their relationship when really the best advice is it's down to what THEY are or aren't comfortable with or want.

blue note

I don't really get the issue here. This sounds like a perfectly normal situation where a relationship ran it's course.

You dated and grew more attracted to each other and had sex after a few weeks. He felt it opened up a new aspect to the relationship, but you found his interest in it overshadowed everything and you didn't like the idea of some of his interests. So you pretty much found out that you weren't compatible and ended it. Nothing here sounds anything other than normal.

The one thing I will say is that you seem to be looking for confirmation that he was weird, not you. To be honest, this strikes me as a little immature and insecure. Neither of you were weird, he seemed respectful in that he'd talk about his interests rather than try them and see how far he'd get. He wanted to cum on your face, you didn't like the idea of it. That's fine, he's not weird for wanting to and you're not weird for not wanting to.

osarusan

Sounds like he is very blunt and lacking subtlety when it comes to exploring boundaries, and also failed to recognise how that bluntness and constant discussion of sex was being perceived by you.

Perhaps after a few more weeks, things would have settled down as he'd have asked all his questions, but it's over now.

I'm not sure if it was a question of incompatibility, as much as the OP feeling that the guy was only interested in sex, and nothing else.

orthsquel

I think Op if interactions and communications changed from every day, personal and interesting things, to every interaction, communication and minute together revolving around talking and discussing sex, and sexual fantasies and no actual general interaction/communication outside of that, then it would be overboard imo. If your relationship was revolving purely around sex and little else, then it's not a healthy relationship and you were right to end it, especially if you felt like you were becoming not a person to him, but a sex object and all other interactions and communications based on interests and thoughts outside of sex had ended.

Unanimous

you are right for doing so.

I would feel like he is just looking for a sexual partner that would be readily available for sex. etc.

Like someone pointed out, he may have only had much of his experience from porn etc. I feel like if you keep with him, he may make outrageous demands that you won't be ok with.

He could now feel like the relationship is not exciting enough because you are not ok with these things, but apparently he is putting too much emphasis on sex.

I would rather we bond over other things while having sex when we get together.

Try saying it to him to see what he says as he may just be really excited and is not thinking about the impression you are having.

Every girl likes lingerie and being sexy but thats when other things in the relationship are going well as well.