Feelings of insecurity and inadequacy

LegacyUser

As I hit 40 I get really down about my past choices . I feel at my age certain things should and would have happened by now had I been smarter about things. For example

1. Been working since 22 with a few gap years and have zero savings . I live from pay cheque to pay cheque despite having a good paying job

2. I should have a house and a much nicer car instead I drive a banger and rent a 1 bedroom apartment

3. Should be in or have had a few serious relationships but I've never had a girlfriend. I've always had self esteem issues because of my weight and because I women are scarce in my life I develop these onenitis type crushes on girls from work which have always ended in disappointment. I'm not bad at having banter with women and making them laugh but when it comes to escalating in a romantic sense I'm not great. In fact the other day i had this girl in work in sitches during our brief 10 minute interaction and it left an impression too because when I saw her a few hours later she had the biggest most genuine smile you can get from a girl

4. It really gets me down that I don't have a passion in life or any major interests . I'm just boring . I'm trying to change that though. Planning to climb carrantwohil in a few weeks and get involved in a few meet up groups

I'm trying to change myself but it's tough going. I'm sick of spending my days off from work playing ps4 and drinking on my own. Would appreciate some advice. Perhaps I'm being s bit too hard on myself. Perhaps some counselling would be a good idea

Finchie1276

Hi

You have to start with a goal, a few small ones - lose a kg every two weeks, chat to one person extra, if you like someone initiate coffee. Small goals add to big goals. Knock the drinking on the head, park the Playstation. WAlk every day, listen to a good CBT podcast. THere are tons of small things you can do.

When you slip up/ revert to old habits notice it and move on. Set up a savings plan so you save before you spend and go over to the good guys on askaboutmoney.com and post up a thread on money makeover section and you'll get super advice. Most of this is changeable and life begins whenever you want it to. Dream big and get there by small steps. Best of luck.

WIZWEB

OP unfortunately we are living in an age of insecurity. I'll show just how the opposite of your numbered scenarios can create the same. I'm going to make your post about me but I hope you see why. It's how I now refuse to let irrational fears dominate me that curtails the insecurity and inadequacy. Just strive to be 'good enough'. Not the best as that is an immeasurable goal that you will always fail at. Even the most wealthy can give up on life at times. There's always someone much worse off than you which is worth reflecting upon...

1. I have what would be perceived as amazing overall qualifications which would entitle me to a great salary. However the work is very stressful and time consuming. I'm aware personally and professionally how damaging that can be. I have learned to take a step back and budget on a much lower income now. A simple income and outgoings page helped me realise where I was spending money that I didn't need to so I stopped doing that and started living.

2. I have a mortgage on a two bedroom property with just me living there. I am up to my eyes in debt (could rent a room but I value my me time now too much these days) because I took on this mortgage with a former partner who wasn't paying their share. I let my car rust away in the driveway eventually until giving it to a charity. I realised I didn't really need a car that was costing me a fortune on repairs anyway. Buses though a bit of hassle worked out much cheaper. Took me a while to realise that these 'shoulds' of having a property and car were getting me and a lot of other people into trouble.

3. I'm seeing those 'shoulds' again! Well you've had little relationship experience and you're envious. In my case I've had most of my adult life in 'committed' relationships. I'm 45 now. I wasted years of my life with an alcoholic and all the abuse that entails. Then there was years with the malignant narcissist and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. The suicide of my first love a while after we parted devastated me. The irony is that if I'd never entered a relationship then none of these people would have had any detrimental affect on me. I've not given up on relationships but I won't be in another one until I choose that I'm good enough for me first not another. Such an attitude is fair on yourself and future partners and attracts the right kind of people in your life. Oh I've did the weight issues thing too. From anorexic to obese. Now muscular. What I learned from this is experience is I now only do fitness for me. Not to impress another anymore as my current good physique encouraged certain shallow fickle people (see above) into my world based upon my physical appearance. All because I was externalising my SELF-Esteem. Putting my value in the hands of others.

4. You tell me you've no passion and that you're boring. Imagine what you're doing internally to yourself and what message you are sending out to others with this belief and subconscious broadcast! Climbing and hiking are excellent hobbies. I enjoy them too as they challenge my great fear of heights. Did Snowdonia one year after a serious lung infection. I could barely breath the last few hundred meters but never felt so alive. Also climbing/hiking is an amazing time to reflect and be mindful while concentrating on safety of course. Do that highest mountain in Ireland and tell others about it afterwards but not because you want them to like you but because you like you because you did something you didn't think you could do.

Change is tough. Most people are stuck in a rut as our habits dictate our actions. You're willing to change which is half your battle won already. Counselling is always a great idea. Though if you climb that hill first you won't have far to travel. A few decent CBT ideas will help though you can just as easily source them from a good book or podcast as suggested above.

messy tessy

I'm curious as to why you think you 'should' have a much nicer car? Says who?!

In any case you have a list of things you want to achieve... house, nicer car, savings, relationship. You are on good money so saving shouldn't be too hard. Set up a standing order and pay into that first after you get paid. Learn how to manage on less money. I'm pretty sure you already know what you are doing wrong in terms of money management and where you can make savings. It really is just forming good habits and making smarter choices.

thetimeisnow

WIZWEB wrote: »

OP unfortunately we are living in an age of insecurity. I'll show just how the opposite of your numbered scenarios can create the same. I'm going to make your post about me but I hope you see why. It's how I now refuse to let irrational fears dominate me that curtails the insecurity and inadequacy. Just strive to be 'good enough'. Not the best as that is an immeasurable goal that you will always fail at. Even the most wealthy can give up on life at times. There's always someone much worse off than you which is worth reflecting upon...

1. I have what would be perceived as amazing overall qualifications which would entitle me to a great salary. However the work is very stressful and time consuming. I'm aware personally and professionally how damaging that can be. I have learned to take a step back and budget on a much lower income now. A simple income and outgoings page helped me realise where I was spending money that I didn't need to so I stopped doing that and started living.

2. I have a mortgage on a two bedroom property with just me living there. I am up to my eyes in debt (could rent a room but I value my me time now too much these days) because I took on this mortgage with a former partner who wasn't paying their share. I let my car rust away in the driveway eventually until giving it to a charity. I realised I didn't really need a car that was costing me a fortune on repairs anyway. Buses though a bit of hassle worked out much cheaper. Took me a while to realise that these 'shoulds' of having a property and car were getting me and a lot of other people into trouble.

3. I'm seeing those 'shoulds' again! Well you've had little relationship experience and you're envious. In my case I've had most of my adult life in 'committed' relationships. I'm 45 now. I wasted years of my life with an alcoholic and all the abuse that entails. Then there was years with the malignant narcissist and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. The suicide of my first love a while after we parted devastated me. The irony is that if I'd never entered a relationship then none of these people would have had any detrimental affect on me. I've not given up on relationships but I won't be in another one until I choose that I'm good enough for me first not another. Such an attitude is fair on yourself and future partners and attracts the right kind of people in your life. Oh I've did the weight issues thing too. From anorexic to obese. Now muscular. What I learned from this is experience is I now only do fitness for me. Not to impress another anymore as my current good physique encouraged certain shallow fickle people (see above) into my world based upon my physical appearance. All because I was externalising my SELF-Esteem. Putting my value in the hands of others.

4. You tell me you've no passion and that you're boring. Imagine what you're doing internally to yourself and what message you are sending out to others with this belief and subconscious broadcast! Climbing and hiking are excellent hobbies. I enjoy them too as they challenge my great fear of heights. Did Snowdonia one year after a serious lung infection. I could barely breath the last few hundred meters but never felt so alive. Also climbing/hiking is an amazing time to reflect and be mindful while concentrating on safety of course. Do that highest mountain in Ireland and tell others about it afterwards but not because you want them to like you but because you like you because you did something you didn't think you could do.

Change is tough. Most people are stuck in a rut as our habits dictate our actions. You're willing to change which is half your battle won already. Counselling is always a great idea. Though if you climb that hill first you won't have far to travel. A few decent CBT ideas will help though you can just as easily source them from a good book or podcast as suggested above.

OP here, that was an excellent post and it has made me decide to go unmasked instead of trying to hide who I am because I really don't have anything to hide or be ashamed of.Its made me think of what I would write to someone else who posted my original post

1.Money situation-the vast majority of us can be silly with our earnings in our youth its only as we get older do we become wiser and besides the main reason people are forced to be better with their cash is because when a partner and/or kids come along your priorities change . I haven't really been faced with that situation so that pressure hasn't really been there but its not too last at 40 to start managing your money properly

2.Regarding the girl situation . The reason I have a crush on girls from work from time to time is because I'm coming from a scarce mindset with women, she was nice to me I'm not used to that feeling. It feels good and I want more of it. In reality what I probably need to do is work on myself. 1.Kick the booze . 2 get into the gym and lose the weight. 3.Eat healthy. 4. Go out and join classes and/or events. 5.Try and meet an abundance of people. Regarding the current girl I'm currently crushing on. I know I shouldn't be putting my eggs all in 1 basket because I really don't even know her. I should probably ask her out to something casual and if shes says turns me down just move on.

3.I need to realise no one has a perfect life, everyone has their ups and downs . I need to stop being so hard on myself and accept myself for the good kind hearted person that I am