Not sure what I am

The White Wolf

Ok......*deep breath*

Going to try and keep this concise. Long story short I'm 30 years of age and have experienced very little intimacy in my life.

I used to believe it was down to my lack of confidence and shyness but lately I've started to think deeper about it. When I talk to women the furthest thing from my mind are sexual thoughts, and I think that's why women tend to take a shining to me, because they realise there's no alterior motive when I talk to them. Which is fine, it makes me happy that people feel relaxed in my company.

I've never been able to make a deeper connection than that with women even though I would have liked to.

It's a different story with men. I'm almost a different person and actually feel like the real me in the company of men. While I haven't been attracted to many men in my life, there have been 2 or 3 who I realise now that I was very attracted to, one I currently work with. I find myself these days as well on the train home checking out one or two lads (I seem to have a thing for well groomed bearded men).

It's little things as well that would peg me as a cliche gay man such as my fandom for divas like Beyonce and Whitney, while also actively seeking out films and tv shows about the LGBT Community. I've always felt an affinity with the culture simply put.

Again though, I haven't "gotten myself out there" enough to know for certain and I feel like I'm too old now to start experiencing the scene.....mainly because all my friends are more or less settled and there's not exactly anyone in particular I'd be willing to trust to ask for help.

Guess my question is just that I'm uncertain on what to do with these feelings and how to act up them. All I know is that I have to act upon it somehow as I've been repressing this for a long time and it's manifested in damaging ways such as binge drinking and gambling.

lottpaul

Thanks for sharing that - it can't have been easy to put into words - especially the last part. I'm sure you will have read some of the threads here about guys who are in similar situations to yours - they're well worth a second read for the advice that people have given.
You're certainly not too old and yes, many of us have a type of guy that we find sexier than others - and then we find that underneath the exteriors there are lots of really nice guys out there - if you find one that is bearded and well groomed, that's a bonus!
Am not sure whether you would find it easier to go to a bar or a meeting etc or just chat to someone. There are others around here who will have better, more practical suggestions
It's important to take an initial step - go somewhere, talk to someone... just choose one thing and do it, and then sit back and see how you feel after that. You need to stop a cycle of drinking etc that ultimately won't help you.
Most of all you're not alone - lots of people have gone and will go through the same feelings and fears. Be good to yourself - take a chance.

Banbha32

Hi White Wolfe!

I could have totally written this piece myself only a few years ago!! And there are plenty of us out there. I came out at 28 and I'm 31 now and the last 3 years have been the best of my life so its never too late. I also thought id never come out and take it to the grave. But it was getting more and more difficult suppressing it and the marriage referendum really gave me the kick up the arse I needed to be myself. It showed me for the first time that my country was behind me. I always knew my (mostly female) friends and cousins etc would be ok but what of grandparents, older relatives, neighbours, work colleagues etc.... but it really was a vast majority in favour of supporting us being us and being free. As young and all as we both are, we all grew up at a time when being gay was still a major taboo

Personally I moved to London and was able to come out a year after that on a trip home. I had felt suffocated living at home and its easier to be yourself in your own independent environment. And I'm a lot more myself now anywhere even when I'm home I'm a raging homosexual :P So don't think its too late you still have ideally another roughly 50 years left in you But everyone has their own journey and you're only ready when you're ready! The good thing I can gather from how you describe yourself is it seems that you have now accepted yourself though which is great. Its the first big step to coming out. I denied it for years and only after accepting me to myself the door was half open.

Try the app Meetup for groups I made some gay friends on there. I think there used to be an irish group called Wet n Wild that did outdoor LGBT activities as well. I realise many of these may be Dublin based but just meeting other gay guys really helps.

I had the same experience with women I had such a deep connection with my close female friends but zero desire to have sex with them even if I can find them attractive. I also faint in a room full of bearded men (also known as otters ... drool ). Likewise with the love of divas and LGBT telly (Rupaul and Queer Eye to name but a few). There are also great news websites such as Pink News, Gay Star News, Attitude etc to catch up on LGBT life, mental health, relationships, politics, travel, events etc.

Keep us posted but its never too late to be yourself and you are far from alone and well done for opening up on here its a relief and takes courage to put pen to paper and release your thoughts x