Desperation for another child is ruining my life

LegacyUser

So. I have pretty much the perfect life.

I've a lovely husband, we've been together almost 20 years (both aged 41 now) and are happy together. We've travelled the world together, lived abroad for many years and we're healthy enough.

Family wise, I get on well with my family, and he does OK with most of his family (his mum is hard work & dad very eccentric but it doesn't really impact us too much, as they live in the US).

Friend wise, I have a lot of lovely friends all around the world and have made some great friends in the town where we've settled, so i've people to go on a night out with or to call for a chat when I need to.

We spent 10 yrs working like crazy in another country, came back a few years ago and were able to buy a house outright with no mortgage. We live in a beautiful town, near beaches and forests, in a lovely leafy area in exactly the kind of house we'd always wanted, a cute little period place which we adore. Town has a lot going on, lots of night life etc too.

Work wise we both have found things which are flexible around the kids & which we enjoy, so after years of slog we've rearranged things so we have plenty of time to pursue what we're into, which is mostly reading books, going out, a lot of local trips, a bit of international travel. I'm on the board of a small community group too which gives me a lot of joy and hopefully does some good in the world.

We've two lovely kids in primary school. One of them had major health issues last year which meant nine months in hospital but has been successfully treated and is OK now (fingers crossed). I've a good relationship with them and spend a lot of time with both of them, which I find very rewarding.

Sounds perfect right? So why am i SO OBSESSED with having a third child that it is doing my head in?

We've agreed on two kids, my husband categorically doesn't want more and intellectually I totally agree. Finance wise, health wise with the one who was sick, the risk of having a sick/disabled child, our ages on the old side now, being out the other side of the baby tunnel with kids who feed/dress/go to the loo themselves, it all makes perfect sense.

But every month I just obsess and obsess, maybe i'm pregnant, then i convince myself I am (which is slightly possible I guess, but as a 41 year old who uses contraception, not that likely!) Then inevitably I'm not and I feel completely devastated even though logically it's perfectly obvious that if you're early 40s and take precautions, your per cycle chances are very very low. I'm not into tricking him either or creating a fake 'accident', so it's basically very unlikely accidents that I'm obsessing about.

To top it all off, I've two friends of a similar age who have had absolutely disastrous pregnancies in recent months, with stillbirth/late miscarriage. Others are facing the bitter truth that they won't ever have a child due to IVF failures, partner issues etc. It's clear to me that it's just not a great idea, I have it good already and it's mad to want to disrupt that with such a risky business.

I really feel a bit of a crazy lady. I'm so aware of how good we have it, but I feel like I just can't let this idea go. I try to distract myself but nothing seems to work, it's literally like a mental illness.

Any ideas? Could it just be a hormonal stage or something? If anyone has been through something like this and come out the other side, I'd love to hear how you got there.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I've edited your post to remove the DH acronym. Acronyms like that aren't used here, and can cause confusion to those not familiar with them.

khaldrogo

Adopt a toddler maybe??

pwurple

khaldrogo wrote: »

Adopt a toddler maybe??

That is a messed up joke above?

OP, I am in a very similar situation, great family, similar age, same number of kids, stable financially. Last year I had a bit of a twinge for another child... and my husband was all on for it, but I held off six months to see if it passed, for same reasons as you said, risk of disability, getting a bit old etc. It did pass, but got replaced by a puppy. Part of it for me is that I love a challenge, so it being potentially difficult was not putting me off.

I think if it’s not passing for you, and your husband is not for turning, then maybe a bit of counseling might help.. talking it through with someone.

Xterminator

Hi Op

would you consider fostering? you have a solid family unit, and as long as you have s spare bedroom you sound like and ideal family to bring a bit of stability to someones life?

seamus

First up, if you haven't spoken to your husband about this already, I would recommend that you do. But obviously not in a, "please can we have another baby" frame of mind, because you're only half on board with it anyway. And framing in it such a way instantly makes it a debate/argument rather than a shared discussion.

Frame it in terms of the fact that this is your brain/body/hormones driving you crazy, and you need him to know that this is how you feel because it's driving you crazy.

The good news is that this is pretty normal. I've heard from plenty of women in the late 30s/early 40s phase who get this. So it's not just you going crazy, your body is doing something it's been pre-programmed to do. The bad news is that I've never heard of anyone saying that it spontaneously went away, instead they just eventually got over it.

I'm not sure as man, me suggesting that you go get a puppy or foster a child or anything else, is helpful. That seems a bit cliché and simplistic.

But I would certainly suggest reaching out to your husband for emotional support in this, so at least you know you're not dealing with this alone. If you have friends or family - perhaps older women beyond child-bearing years - whom you think you could talk about this with, it might also help to get their points of view on it; whether they felt this and how they coped with it.

LolaJJ

Maybe get a puppy?

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This post has been deleted.

khaldrogo

pwurple wrote:

That is a messed up joke above?

Why would it be a joke?

The OP says they want another child, but they are worried about birth defects and other such worries that come with a late pregnancy, the husband isn't sold on the idea of all the sleepless night and nappies etc and the OP stated she is relived her kids are able to look after themselves to a degree.....if she really wants another child around the house then adopting might be the best option as it will negate the aforementioned concerns.

Ursus Horribilis

It is a joke because very few children become available for adoption in Ireland every year. People who would like to adopt are subjected to a long drawn out process before they're approved. Even then, there is no guarantee they'll ever have the chance to adopt a child. The OP's age, and the fact that she already has two children of her own will mitigate against her. We also don't know if she would like to adopt someone else's child anyway.

OP, perhaps you might consider counselling? I'm sure you're not the only woman who has grappled with this issue and had to come to terms with not having another child?

pwurple

khaldrogo wrote: »

pwurple wrote:

That is a messed up joke above?

Why would it be a joke?

The OP says they want another child, but they are worried about birth defects and other such worries that come with a late pregnancy, the husband isn't sold on the idea of all the sleepless night and nappies etc and the OP stated she is relived her kids are able to look after themselves to a degree.....if she really wants another child around the house then adopting might be the best option as it will negate the aforementioned concerns.

As Ursus said... adoption basically doesn't exist in Ireland. There are less than 5 children adopted each year, and they are typically inter-family adoptions (step-parents etc). There's isn't a bank of available babies down the local convent anymore.

lukesmom

Okay op tell your husband how much your yearning for another baby is affecting you. He obviously has absolutely no idea of the extent this longing has on your life. He might surprise you and reconsider or he may be very adament that he does not want anymore. Either way you need to be open about its effects on you.

LegacyUser

At this stage of your life why do you really want another baby? Is it because your children are getting that bit older and don't need as much care as they did when they were babies.
It is because your 41 and feel like well if I don't try now I won't have baby number 3? Have any of your friends around your own age have baby number 3 or 4 recently?
Say you have baby number 3 and you then have a baby with the special needs - how would you, your husband and your 2 other children cope?
You also have to consider that at 41 you have a higher chance of having twins/triplets.
Also at 41 you could have a good pregnancy or a horrible pregnancy ie being sick the whole time, ending up with high blood pressure and being on bed rest for a while.

Even if your baby or baby's are healthy your going back to the baby stage. Your going back to sleepless nights, a crying baby or baby's and having to bring half a ton off stuff every time you go out of the house. and you won't have time to do the things your interested in for a few years. The days of being able to take off easy will be gone for a few years.

You also need to consider that you already have 2 kids. Yes they are able to do more things on their own but they still need help with homework, projects and after school activities. Most mothers I know with primary school children spend a few hours a week bringing them to parties, ballet, football ect not to mention the Saturdays that are busy with activities also.

Over the next few years the cost of bring your children up will get higher. Once they go into secondary school you will find that you will be spending even more and not to mention the cost of putting both of your child through college.

What age do you and your husband want to retire at? I would presume that if your 41 that your husband is at least your age if not a little bit older. Say you have a baby at 42 or 43 and they are 19 starting college - you will be 61 or 62. They spend at least 4 years in college so that brings you up to 65/66.
Do you both intend to stay working until your in late 60's due to putting a 3rd child through college?

You also need to consider that your husband does not want anymore children.
The reality is that you and your husband worked hard for a long period of period of time. You came back to Ireland and have a house with no mortgage. You have 2 children who are doing well now which is good to hear after one of them was sick in the past.
From what you have told us you worked hard for a number of years to have the lifestyle you now both have. You have time for work and a good family life. You have your own interests outside the home and you have plenty of friends both local and abroad.

To be honest I would be thankful for all that you now and I would not be going down the road of having a 3rd child.

suicide_circus

your current children are first mentioned in your 5th paragraph.

you sound like you want a new project to be honest. something to add to your ever more perfect life.

Neyite

I'm 43 and had that obsession a couple of years ago but I thought that it was to do with my difficulty in trying for a baby to add to our only child - and probably part of it was but looking back I'd say there was an age/hormone related surge in there that didn't help.



For me it passed eventually having given it a lot of thought. I've people close to me who have children with disabilities. They are amazing uncomplaining parents but it's very tough on them. Very limiting for the whole family -other children included. Seeing what they do every day and how they manage then looking critically at my own life as it is and seeing what would need to change if I had a child with special needs helped bring it into sharper focus. I know my partner and I would adjust -as that would be our choice, but our own child and the life he has now would change dramatically, plus there's also the responsibility for him if he had a grown up sibling with special needs who was dependent on him when we are no longer here. I felt I didn't have the right to take the risk on his behalf if you know what I mean.



Hormones can be very strong, but it is worth it to talk to your partner like Seamus suggested. It's ok to want something desperately but know it's not a good idea and sharing that feeling does help.

mitresize5

my wife had this desire as well at exactly the same age and we went ahead and had a child after a 5 year gap.

Like you we had it sorted, very comfortable and happy in our lives, wanted or needed for nothing and very happy in our skins.

Now I love the new guy more than life itself and would lay down my life for him but our life has been turned upside down again. Theres a reason you quickly forget just how hard it is as if you didnt you'd never have another child.

It really really really hard work and while we are not old in that we are in our early 40's we are old parents. Its a lot bloody harder than it was in our early 30's thats for sure.

think very very carefully

JustAThought

Sounds like you're not exactly being fair on your husband - you agreed on two - but now you are off the contraception and desperate for a baby - does he know what risks you are taking with your collective agrement every month - I guess not. If you have a baby with down syndrome or the unpleasant 24/7 care end of the autism spectrum what will you say then - sorry I ruined our lives and perfect planning and happy lives? At 41 /42 you are at the high percentages high risk end of the having a disabled baby spectrum - instead of just ruining your life it will impact on your existing children as well as your husband. Ever seen the teenage and early 20s siblings of a disabled sibling agonise over their life choices and the emotional pressure to stay close or make decisions they dont want to 'for the good of the family'. Its heartwrenching and an emotional black hole - trapped. I know 3 people who took chances like you and it didnt pay off. Three. Down syndrome, profoundly disabled with catasteophic epilipsy, and horrendous non verbal utterly non functioning autism. They wanted a late 'surprise' baby too. Its not just you in the family - tell your husband you are off the contraception and at least he has a chance of avoiding a potential disaster. Or see if he want to be part of that risk - it is supposed to be a decision for 2; not just you.

dee75

JustAThought wrote: »

Sounds like you're not exactly being fair on your husband - you agreed on two - but now you are off the contraception and desperate for a baby - does he know what risks you are taking with your collective agrement every month - I guess not. If you have a baby with down syndrome or the unpleasant 24/7 care end of the autism spectrum what will you say then - sorry I ruined our lives and perfect planning and happy lives? At 41 /42 you are at the high percentages high risk end of the having a disabled baby spectrum - instead of just ruining your life it will impact on your existing children as well as your husband. Ever seen the teenage and early 20s siblings of a disabled sibling agonise over their life choices and the emotional pressure to stay close or make decisions they dont want to 'for the good of the family'. Its heartwrenching and an emotional black hole - trapped. I know 3 people who took chances like you and it didnt pay off. Three. Down syndrome, profoundly disabled with catasteophic epilipsy, and horrendous non verbal utterly non functioning autism. They wanted a late 'surprise' baby too. Its not just you in the family - tell your husband you are off the contraception and at least he has a chance of avoiding a potential disaster. Or see if he want to be part of that risk - it is supposed to be a decision for 2; not just you.

The OP never said she's off contraception.

Murray007

I was in the same position coming up to 40. My husband bought me a springer spaniel puppy for my 40th. It’s odd but it did the trick, I immediately refocused on the good of having children growing up. Hubby and I started walks with the new pup and it was like a new stage.

It’s not going to work for everyone. You do need to be a dog lover which I am. I still call our now 8 yr old dog baby “doggy name “ when I am alone with her. She saved me from ruining a great new stage in life. Thinking about getting another pup for my 50th.

alibab

JustAThought wrote: »

Sounds like you're not exactly being fair on your husband - you agreed on two - but now you are off the contraception and desperate for a baby - does he know what risks you are taking with your collective agrement every month - I guess not. If you have a baby with down syndrome or the unpleasant 24/7 care end of the autism spectrum what will you say then - sorry I ruined our lives and perfect planning and happy lives? At 41 /42 you are at the high percentages high risk end of the having a disabled baby spectrum - instead of just ruining your life it will impact on your existing children as well as your husband. Ever seen the teenage and early 20s siblings of a disabled sibling agonise over their life choices and the emotional pressure to stay close or make decisions they dont want to 'for the good of the family'. Its heartwrenching and an emotional black hole - trapped. I know 3 people who took chances like you and it didnt pay off. Three. Down syndrome, profoundly disabled with catasteophic epilipsy, and horrendous non verbal utterly non functioning autism. They wanted a late 'surprise' baby too. Its not just you in the family - tell your husband you are off the contraception and at least he has a chance of avoiding a potential disaster. Or see if he want to be part of that risk - it is supposed to be a decision for 2; not just you.

Please tell me you realize having a child on the autism spectrum has nothing to do with age . It can happen to anyone at any age . Whatever about Down syndrome directly linked to age but research etc but can also happen at any age this is not proven for ASD so no need for the scaremongering please .

In saying that if her husband does not want a baby then she should not be having a baby .

Malayalam

I'd say it's hormones, amazing how strong they are. Not that they need adjusting, just awareness. A few pals of mine had babies in their early 40s - they adore them of course but freely admit how completely bolloxed they are with exhaustion etc. I had all mine in my early 20s, the thoughts of having small kids running around me now makes me shudder. Having said that the new baby stage is so intoxicating I still regularly dream of it. Can there be another time in life a woman feels so purposeful, magical, powerful, absorbed in a flow state? But that stage passes and we have to accept it. Enjoy the children you have and the crazy stages of their development that lie ahead of you. It will be plenty. Best of luck.

detoxkid

Op another child would be very doable if your husband is on the same page, but now's the time to act and only if you are both 100 per cent sure about it. I'm almost 39 and we are trying for number 3 - our youngest is 2. I'm giving it a cut off date and taking it as fate if it doesn't happen. Otherwise I think I would always wonder what if.

JustAThought

alibab wrote: »

Please tell me you realize having a child on the autism spectrum has nothing to do with age . It can happen to anyone at any age . Whatever about Down syndrome directly linked to age but research etc but can also happen at any age this is not proven for ASD so no need for the scaremongering please .

In saying that if her husband does not want a baby then she should not be having a baby .

I do.know that however ONE of the many variables is old ie from older men sperm. Its not just women that have a best by date.

seamus

alibab wrote: »

Please tell me you realize having a child on the autism spectrum has nothing to do with age .

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27858958

Now, that's a meta-analysis, not a specific study, but it's an indicator that a links exists which is worth exploring. So it wouldn't be correct to say that there's no link between autism and parental age. There is data which suggests a link.

Like Down's (and many other chromosomal disorders), these can happen to anyone at any age. But it would appear that the risk of autism increases with parental (male & female) age.

It is a factor to consider in the decision to go again at a later age; especially when you already have children. A mentally disabled sibling places a lifetime burden onto them, because you will probably die before the disabled child.

shesty

Just had my third, aged 35.
It's very hard to go back to newborn, and my 2nd was only 2 when my third arrived.Big shock to the system all the same.I cannot describe how tired I am.
You know the risks of Down's Syndrome etc. increase once you are over 36.I could quote you all the statistics, but I'm sure you are aware of them.
It's up to you at the end if the day OP, but don't be looking at it through rose tinted glasses -it's no sleep, three hourly feeds, hands full of baby all the time, unable to eat or cater for the hours, screaming with wind, nappies and the years ahead of us -the toddler years and all they entail.
It's hard, hard work and I am younger than you.Consider it might be hormones.....

lukesmom

suicide_circus wrote:

you sound like you want a new project to be honest. something to add to your ever more perfect life.

suicide_circus wrote:

your current children are first mentioned in your 5th paragraph.

Really sarcastic and unhelpful.

JustAThought

lukesmom wrote: »

Really sarcastic and unhelpful.

Not really. Not all advice is wrapped in candyfloss and tissue paper. And they are dead right.

cassid

I know a lot have mentioned hormones and it could be that. But what stuck out for me from your post is your child was in hospital for 9 months and you are hopeful their health problems are behind them.

This must have been a hugely traumatic experience for you all and its not uncommon for parents to experience depression, PTSD and a change in perspective in their life .Before this illness, 2 children were enough but you have seen how valuable life is and how easy it can be taking away.

How you talked to anybody about your experience with your child in hospital? Just because your child is doing well now thankfully, that experience can linger and affect how we feel.
I had a sick baby im hospital for a few months, he was so lucky to survive the birth let alone the following months. All i could think off was having another, everyday sitting in an I CU was me yearning from another baby.
I think deep down i knew it was not an option, we had lost babies and both myself and baby were in intensive care after the birth. I said nothing to my husband for a while, when I did he told me he could not have another child in case baby 3 and I would die and we children at home that needed a mum.

There were other mothers thinking the same as me, some were already trying with their babies in hospital . I cant explain the logic behind the obsession for another baby, i just knew it took a while to decrease. If i had the money i would adopt in a second and i still that 8 years later.

In my situation, i just feel it is linked to my sons illness, am not sure how, maybe i was afraid he would die from complications


This probably is not your reason but i just thought i would share it