deeply hurt and embarrassed

LegacyUser

I have been seeing someone on and off 2 years. It was never overly serious, that was 100% fine - we are young and it didn't need to be. I felt a serious connection there, we took it week by week but had chats about the next few years, what we both wanted. Anytime anything was going on, we talked about it. Sometimes we wouldn't see each other for 3 or 4 or 5 weeks, that was fine. Maybe I am young and stupid but I really thought there was a connection or at least a level of respect.

A few days ago my friend sent me a message asking why I never said he was emigrating and am I okay. He is going THIS Saturday with two friends, indefinitely. He never told me. We've seen each other in person, slept together, had phone calls, messaged, in the past 2-3 months. Regularly. We've watched films and made dinner, he never said anything. Never brought up the possibility it even might be happening.

I fully accept he was not my boyfriend. Maybe 'technically' he didn't owe it to me to explain his life and his choices. If this is what he wants, he should obviously do it and I'm sure he will have the best time. I'm just so cut up that I wasn't even worth mentioning it to. I wasn't even worth a last meeting or a goodbye. I am questioning whether any of it was real, but in my heart I know that it was and I know we had a connection. (If it actually was a lie I must be another level of stupid and naive). This is why I'm so confused at how he's left things. I am a very rational person, I do not argue with anyone and I will always talk it out with someone. Everyone knows me as this type of person so I don't see why he felt like he needed to omit this big decision from our conversations together. If he actually thought I would be the type of person to 'blow up' at him, or lose it, then that hurts me too.

I feel embarrassment that someone else had to tell me. I feel so hurt knowing I won't see him again, even just as a friend, which I thought we were. I thought what I wanted from this post was for someone to tell me to get over it, he was never my boyfriend and it's his life. But even on a friendship level this has hurt me.

I feel ridiculous that I can't sleep. I can't eat - I tried to cook dinner last night and threw up (sorry), I have never cried as much. I cried in the shopping centre toilets earlier. I don't know what to say to anyone. I see his friends about the city or in the pub quite often - I'm so embarrassed to see them again. I know his brother. I took two days off work and said I was sick.

I'm thrown by how seriously I'm taking it and don't know how to pull myself together. I'm embarrassed by myself and how I feel, when I can't even say for sure if how I feel is rational or okay.

nikkibikki

Don't be embarrassed. Your reaction is natural. You are in shock and grieving. He's completely spineless for not telling you.

You say you don't argue with people. Maybe you should. People walk all over you otherwise.

I would not be surprised if he contacts you tonight or tomorrow for a goodbye "date." Please don't entertain this. You might want closure but keep it to telling him he's a coward.

WIZWEB

I think the fact you only saw each other every few weeks shows the lack of commitment. At least on his part.

I get that you're a rational person and you want answers. The truth is you won't get the response you desire. At best it will be platitudes. He's heading off now and though probably not personal your value to him is further minimised as you no longer serve a purpose as harsh as that sounds. This character flaw is on him not you.

We all no matter how weak the connection will react to rejection. He hadn't the guts to tell you. You may not realise it now but you're always much better off with someone like him out of your life. That will be a lot easier with him in a different country whether you like it or not.

Take time to grieve which is natural but learn from this and protect yourself from such people in future no matter what the relationship definition.

He should be embarrassed not you but he won't be and that sends out a clear message of the type of person he is.

Katgurl

I totally understand your reaction. I remember getting involved with a friend that was on off and he ended up renting a room in my house.

One weekend I discovered he was going to Italy with a load of my friends to a wedding (I didn't know this particular couple) and he had made a point of not telling me.

That is a very very mild version of what you're going through and I felt completely thrown and confused; were we even friends? Was i some sort of joke to him?

Anyway I cut things off pretty sharpish. I guess it's hard for you as you're not even getting the opportunity to do that as he's leaving but make absolutely sure you don't become his go-to person to chat online to when he's bored. I would block him on all social media personally.

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe he's cowardly, or maybe he's not one for telling any/many people. You say you heard from a friend that he was going with others. Maybe it's the others who are telling people.

Yes, he should have told you. But there's probably a lot of other people (friends) who he won't tell either.

December2012

You should ask him. You are hurt anyway. Clarify the truth but be prepared

Ursus Horribilis

Spineless isn't the word I'd apply to this guy. To me he showed you a lack of respect and perhaps a lack of compassion.

Apart from the part where you say you were talking about the future, it sounds like a textbook example of "friends with benefits". Can you honestly say that after 2 years together, you were actually happy with only seeing each other every other week? Do you know what he was up to/who he was with during those other weeks?

I hope I'm wrong but cynical old me is wondering did he say the right things to you in order to keep you onside as an option? Now that he's going, he doesn't need you any longer... When exactly was he planning on letting you know, I wonder? An "Oh by the way I've just moved to Sydney" text? Or was he just going to ghost you and have you make an eejit out of yourself trying to find out where he'd got to. It's poor form after 2 years as an "item". I hate to be cruel but I don't believe he feels the same connection to you.

Maybe it's time for you to have a think about what it is you want from your encounters from men. If it's a boyfriend you'd like, don't sell yourself short or convince yourself that seeing someone every now and then is OK.

JackTaylorFan

When you give it to them on a plate and all that... You said you were both under the illusion it was casual, well, for him, it very much was.

Sorry, you've been hurt, but in his mind he doesn't really owe you anything and well, his actions speak volumes.

Rachiee

OP please be kind to yourself. Imagine if this had happened to a friend, how you would understand her pain and hurt, the decisions she'd made, you certainly wouldnt judge her so dont judge yourself.
This is a horrible thing to happen, ride it out dont fight your feelings. youre entitled to feel pain and shock.
Try not to look for answers (you wont get them) or blame yourself( you did your best with the information you had available at the time) good luck. Im so sorry youve experienced this, you deserved better. Dont be embarassed he is the one in the wrong not you.

Pelvis

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

When you give it to them on a plate and all that..

Classy guy. Op should have made him work for it eh? That would change everything.

strandroad

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

When you give it to them on a plate and all that... You said you were both under the illusion it was casual, well, for him, it very much was.

Sorry, you've been hurt, but in his mind he doesn't really owe you anything and well, his actions speak volumes.

Even for a casual relationship it's a ****ty thing to do if it was so long and regular. Nothing to do with love, just plain old decency.

I'm sorry it happened to you OP, you have the right to be cut up. On the positive side, you'll now stop wasting your time on him and perhaps find some more valuable relationships instead.

wiggle16

I'm really sorry, OP. What a horrible thing to do to someone.

I don't think anyone can explain his behaviour or interpret it, only he can.

You should not be embarrassed. Your reaction is completely rational. It doesn't matter that you were not "serious", you don't have to feel that just because you were not girlfriend and boyfriend then you are unjustified in feeling the way you do. You cared about him. You certainly loved him as a friend. And then you found out he would have just left without ever telling you - a friend doing that would leave anyone cut up. Have you spoken to him since finding out?

I think one of the worst feelings in life is finding out you were wrong about someone, or they weren't the person you thought they were. There's nothing quite like it. It leaves you second guessing everything that ever happened between you and your own ability to assess other people and your interactions with them - in a sense you're left feeling the loss of the person you thought was there. It's a horrible feeling and you shouldn't feel embarrassed about experiencing it, at all. Perhaps you did get too emotionally involved for the level of seriousness without realising it, but even if you weren't this would still be very hurtful.

The fact that your friend expected you to have known he was leaving and asked why you never said, should tell you that you should not feel embarrassed or feel like you imagined the level of involvement. He should have had the decency to tell you. He doesn't. He's a pr*ck. I think in the long run it's a good thing it's happened now, rather than a few years down the line when you might have developed stronger feelings for him, or passed up potential guy-interests for him.

It will pass in time. Be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up over it, you weren't to know. It can happen to anyone, trust me.

Mind yourself OP x

JackTaylorFan

strandroad wrote: »

Even for a casual relationship it's a ****ty thing to do if it was so long and regular. Nothing to do with love, just plain old decency.

I'm sorry it happened to you OP, you have the right to be cut up. On the positive side, you'll now stop wasting your time on him and perhaps find some more valuable relationships instead.

I agree. ****ty. Doesn't really change the fact they had an arrangement to keep it casual. He felt he didn't owe her anything.. And that's the world we live in now.

Arrival

This is what happens when you don't discuss being exclusive/serious with people who you blatantly have feelings for and look out for yourself. That's not to excuse such behaviour, as personally I think it's very callous, and you should go completely no contact on someone who could just disregard a person in such a manner

woodchuck

OP you have every right to feel the way you do. I'm not going to excuse his behaviour, but you need to use this as a learning experience for the future.

You say you both agreed to keep it casual, yet you clearly had deeper feelings for him. Why would you allow yourself to stay in a situation where you were inevitably going to get hurt? I think you need to learn to pay more attention to your own feelings. It's not all about what the other person wants. You need to learn to respect your own feelings and make appropriate (sometimes very difficult) decisions. It's always going to be a terrible idea to stay in any sort of relationship where one person is much more emotionally invested than the other.

Calypso Realm

Completely agree with the above post regarding remaining in RLs where you're more invested than the other person. Rarely, if ever do these sort of situations end well.

OP I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't feel as you do in this situation. I know I would.

When was the last time you actually saw or spoke to him OP? Heard anything since?

I'm wondering if it's possible he's been toying with the idea of doing this for a while and only recently firmed up the plans? Notwithstanding this, frankly I'm amazed it never came up (if even casually) in conversation at any point. Even if true, this does not excuse his appalling behaviour-whether or not the RL was a casual one is irrelevant IMO-given the glaring obvious fact/ reality he's supposedly leaving tomorrow with what appears to be without a word. Awful.

I can only conclude he may have been scared of your reaction at his announcement, so he's essentially ghosting you instead. Not good.

osarusan

Seems like you had deeper feelings for him that he did for you. And I'd guess he realised that too.

If he thought it was just a mutual casual FWB situation, and that ending it wasn't going to be a big deal for either of you, I'd imagine he would have told you that he was leaving and that the casual thing was coming to an end.

My guess is he didn't tell you because he sensed it was more than that to you, and that made telling you something he didn't have the balls to do.

Calypso Realm

Actually OP, should he contact you to announce his departure and UNLESS he has some very, very watertight reasons etc, for his secrecy, I would be very tempted to feign taking the news very casually indeed, as if it didn't bother you at all! I realise it might be very hard to pull this off, given how you're currently feeling, but something like 'Ya, someone mentioned this...forget who now. Well good luck!' You're rushing off to meet up with friends/attend the neighbour's BBQ, whatever. Hard I know but this should get him thinking and help you get back some control in the situation!

Main point is, whatever you do, don't go off on one with him! This will only serve to reaffirm his reasons for not telling you in the first place.

Good luck and take care!

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This post has been deleted.

professore

I think it's more to do with the dating culture than anything. Back in the day you were casual only on a once off basis, not for 2 years. Now it seems to be fine to be "casual" for years until something "better" comes along.

JackTaylorFan

professore wrote: »

I think it's more to do with the dating culture than anything. Back in the day you were casual only on a once off basis, not for 2 years. Now it seems to be fine to be "casual" for years until something "better" comes along.

This is exactly the issue. Because dating apps have made hook-ups so readily available, people looking for serious connections are feeling pressured to compromise in this weird and harmful "pretending they are okay with casual" mindset. In order not to seem clingy or needy, people are hesitant to state in their profiles that they are actually looking for something long-term, and then continue this behaviour into the sexual relationship. I read an interesting article on it awhile back.

A lot of younger people are starting to identify as polyamorous as well, which, they claim, is a healthier way to have relationships and not just about sex. But I remain skeptical. Seems to me, from my experience with poly identified people, like it is just another elaborate excuse to **** around and not commit to someone.

ginandtonicsky

In the long run I think this will be the best thing to happen to your love life OP. You can move on safe in the knowledge that there was never any potential with this guy, he was just a low and weak person with no backbone that never really considered you.

Really sorry you’re going through this OP xx You probably have a tough few weeks and months ahead of you moving on from this guy, but you’ll come through it as we all do. And you’ll be stronger and wiser for it.

And remember in the future when you meet a guy, it’s absolutely OK and right to set your own standard with him. Don’t be afraid to speak up and ask for what you want, and crucially be prepared to walk away if they’re not willing/able to give you what you need.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for all the responses, I wasn't expecting so many and it was nice to read them all even though they did hurt, I knew they were right.

Unfortunately we did meet up before he left, very briefly. I knew it was a situation where I was going to regret doing it but I'd also regret not doing it.

It was very disappointing and I have 100% been played the fool. There was no emotion and he was very indifferent. He wasn't grasping anything I said or felt and ultimately felt that there was no friendship at all, at least nowhere near to the level I felt. Part of me still doesn't believe that but I'm working on accepting it.

I've been in a very bad way the past week honestly, but I'm having to hide it because I'm acting like I'm going through a breakup when I haven't. I'm taking a long hard look at myself to see why I fell for it all, and I'm questioning the basis of a lot of my relationships now and think I'm doing too much for people. Maybe I need to do this so it's a blessing in disguise that this happened. Not sure what I want from posting here, just giving an update really.

Small silver linings, I am losing weight

dellas1979

Id rather be like you everytime and have human emotions, than have none, like a robot, and behave like that. That is looserville right there.

Youll learn a lesson from this OP, want better for yourself, and not put up with this sort of behaviour. Next time OP, next time!

amdublin

I'm sorry how you're feeling and what you've been through op.

It is like a breakup and feels like it too am sure. Low yourself the time and space to get through those the feelings. The good news is that soon you will feel better and down the line you will look back and be glad this period is over and you are no longer with him (no matter how on off or loose it was).

It was a ****ty thing for him to do and you deserve better.
You will find happiness whatever that is for You. Without him.

Good luck and take care op

Sephiroth_dude

Let him off, onwards and upwards.

mojesius

Make sure you block him/delete him from social media, phone etc. whenever you're ready (a good time to do this is when the hurt turns to anger) and never look back. He sounds like the type of person who'll be back in touch with you to rekindle this when/if he moves home, which could be anytime. Don't humour him ever again, you're well shot of him.

Look after yourself and treat yourself to nice things - weekends away, a good holiday, walks, etc. Experience you again.

I had my fair share of bad 'relationships', that left me confused, hurt, dejected. Over time, I subconsciously became way choosier with who I spent precious time with and got close to. Friends and family, just happy living and not getting messed around. After some time I met my husband who is polar opposite to most of my previous relationships. Everything that this man did to piss you off, hurt you, how he made you feel the last few weeks, note it. Dont let anyone make you feel that way again.

Enjoy the weight loss (lol), the only good thing in such horrible times.

beauf

I think you have had a lucky escape. He would have kept this up forever. Anyone who is serious will not be as distant as that guy was.

You fell deeper than you realised. In the future you will know the signs if someone is doing the same thing again. It's an unfortunate way to learn this. But perhaps it's unavoidable.

Onwards and upwards.

professore

I think if you are having some sort of "casual" or "friends with benefits" situation and you are feeling you need more than just sex from it, you need to either get some commitment or move on. Lots of guys are happy to string a girl along for years for the occasional booty call, then go back and have a good laugh about it with their friends. As are lots of women - I suspect somewhat less but they do too. If that's what you want, great !

Apparently it's a thing for some women that they like the "distant" type - generally he's "distant" because he doesn't care about you and probably has two or three other "yous" on the go.

If not, there are plenty of guys looking for proper relationships out there, if that's what you want then that's what you have to look for and stop wasting your time. Don't listen to what they say, look at their actions. Look at their friends too - if they behave like that, your guy isn't "different" than them.

That's really the long and short of it.

JustAThought

Very sorry to hear of your situation OP. I can only imagine how horrifying it myst have been for you to hear that from a 3rd party. At least s/he thought enough of you to tell you before he just left. Was he Irish? Where was he from? Is he likely to be popping back? Its an awful thing to have happened & you clearly thought he was a lot more in love than he was. What excuses did he have for when he dissappeared for 5 weeks at a go?Did you ever challenge him or ask? Did you question his whereabouts or absence even to yourself then? May be time to have a think about why you undersold yourself so much to him. Either way you deserve far better than this. His values must be in the gutter to just dismiss you after 2 years.I get the impression he stayed over a lot when he was with you - not just occasional dates with sex nights every other weekend. You are lucky you wernt left holding a baby as he left for the hills. 😡 very sorry for your broken heart.