Family issue - looking for outside perspectives please

Shoebox1926

Ill be deleting this post within a few hours, thanks to anyone who responds. looking for outside help/perspectives on the situation. Im so confused.

I went out on Sunday night for a friends birthday, got very very drunk, had a crappy night due to friends boyfriends causing drama, didnt get home till 5am, the taxi driver was really rude the whole way home and she ripped me off, I paid her the fair then got out of the taxi, got to my door, she beeped the horn really loud waking my mother - called me back and said I owed her even more money. She got about 50 euro out of all 3 us that shared a taxi. Didnt want to argue so just gave it to her so im already a annoyed at this stage.
It was the first night ive been out in months and I got really dressed up, my dad can sometimes be weird, like he doesnt mean anything, obviously theres nothing gross but he can be cringy - I walked by him in my dress (mini dress, high heals) and his reaction made me cringe a bit and feel uncomfortable, im sure it was a compliment but I dont take compliments well and dont like my dad looking at me like that - thinking i look nice, i dont know it just made me uncomfortable, he meant nothing by it. Anyway I went out, he was going out too and said if I wanted to get a taxi home with him to save money to give him a ring and if i wanted to go into him the pub for a pint before going home then do. Grand. Id no intention of turning up to an old man pub in a skimpy little dress and high heels but didnt say that to him.
About 12 am I had a missed call from him, 12.30 id another missed call, I was a bit worried as it was quite early so text to ask if everything was ok? he replied, everythings fine howre you? .. I didnt reply
I got another call that I missed, then a text saying come over and make my day, and a final text to say he had a taxi if i wanted a lift. In the space of one hour I had 3 texts and five missed calls from him. Now I never get out with my friends, an I got annoyed and a bit creeped out by the messages and calls, im late 20's, not a kid. It was about 4 in the morning when i saw texts and calls and tbh I over reacted as I was really drunk, told my friend about things my dads said in the past like asking if id ever get a boob job, my dads just a bit sexist, he is intelligent but doesnt have much sense. I get on with him, usually very well, more so than my mam, hes easier to talk to but he's never been a typical dad, I do have good memorys of him growing up but tbh I dont think he really liked kids, he drank allot, always said hurtful or strange things when drunk and was often physically violent with my older brother. He's unnaturally selfish too like he'll spend literally a grand on a new suit for himself but wouldnt spend christmas on any of us. I dont mean to make him sound so bad, he's not all that bad, just very tight with his money and gets into moods, drinks too much too and doesnt like being asked to do anything but when he's in an alright mood he's grand. Anyway I got home and as the taxi driver beeped her car she woke my mother up who came down stairs. I dont always share things with my mam, actually im usually quite defensive around her after years of emotional abuse but I was drunk and my guard was down. I told her about the messages, she responded with something like thats ridiculous, you should say something bla bla, and then I mentioned it to her about the time he asked if id ever get a boob job, I know he doesnt mean anything but I was just saying about how he comes out with mad sh!t. I was pissed off too after the night id had and just generally giving out about everything. She started bitching about him too and saying oh he wanted to show you off to his friends thats why he was asking you to go to the pub.
So anyway I went to bed and next morning had instant regret, i shouldnt have said anything to her. I took the messages the wrong way and completely over reacted. I went down stairs and asked if she said anything to dad, she swore she didnt and I said you better not have, I said id never trust her again if she did and her facial reaction was like - Oh sh!t - making me think she did say something - but she swore she didnt.
Saw my dad later that day and he wouldnt speak to me, he hasnt spoken to me since. Today I was cleaning the kitchen and he was sitting at the table reading the paper, I almost dropped a heavy basin of water and asked him to help me with it, he got up, aggressively grabbed it out of my hand and shouted at me calling me an f'ing stupid so and so. he sat back down and repeated how id asked for help, like i was entitled or something - how dare i ask for his help like. This turned into a bit of a screaming match, i was like i only asked you to help me lift the basin and he told me he's sick of my sh!t. So then he left the room and sat in the sitting room.
Its unlike my dad to not be speaking to me, my mam does silent treatments, my dad never does. Ive never seen him behave this way towards me.
I have a feeling she told him about what I said - we dont directly communicate in my family, we never did. If someone does something wrong you say what you feel to everyone but that person - this is particularly true for my parents. Saying it to the person directly causes more drama than its worth. - We're a dysfunctional family as you can probably tell. Mams hard to trust, she can twist things, add bits onto stories, say you said things you didnt say, argue over petty things, constant silent treatments over nothing and she can be manipulative. Some times she trives on drama and being in the middle of it, taking sides etc.
Anyway now my dads not speaking to me, my mams not speaking to me over something unrelated and entirely stupid. This causes me so much stress, the last time an argument like this happened I stopped eating, i cant deal with it. No one gets it either and I know I should detach myself but its hard.
Can anyone make sense of this? am I wrong? are they wrong? are we all wrong? im so confused.

Pretzill

I think it's just a case of having too much to drink, a bad night and being peed off with your Dad. Don't mistake your Dad's pride for anything sinister - it's a strange reaction you had about him 'creeping you out' Dad's shouldn't do that - they should make you feel good about yourself.

I would say there may have been words between your mum and dad which may have caused upset but it's not your fault. I would say it's unlikely your mum shared what you said about your Dad -

You could just start a conversation tell him you didn't want to meet up with him and his friends as you were out with your own for the first time in ages and you hope he's not put out by that.

It seems a little childish for parents to not say what's on their mind and go into quiet mode - it's not your fault you were peed off and we all need to vent sometimes -

Sardonicat

OP, your family dynamic sounds utterly toxic. Please move out and put a bit of distance between yourself and them.

nikkibikki

Sardonicat wrote:

OP, your family dynamic sounds utterly toxic. Please move out and put a bit of distance between yourself and them.

Agree. OP, you have an inkling of this already but when you move out and away from this, you will realise this even more. Does your brother still live there?

Finchie1276

I think you have no experience of a healthy dynamic tbh. don't know if I could live there - it takes its toll. If you can move out do - not being judgemental here but if you are drinking too much then everything is an issue.

iamwhoiam

Your parents sound immature and selfish and wrapped up in themselves . This had made you insecure and not speaking up for yourself . You told no lies and only said how your Dad was and it annoyed you . So he just has to get over himself now and deal with it
Having said all that they are the only parents you have so you won't change them at this stage . Distance from them will allow you all some space and able to tolerate each other better

Redser87

Good advice above, you can't change them but maybe you can change your situation. Could you and some friends share a house and split the rent?

meeeeh

Op, I think it's positive if your mother said something to your father. His behaviour is creepy, he might sulk a while but someone should confront him about it. Your family dynamic doesn't seem to healthy and it's not your fault. How much you drunk is completely irrelevant and I think it's good you told your mother. Hopefully eventually he will stop sulking and start behaving like a father and not like a pimp showing off his girls.

Emme

OP you need to move out of home into an apartment of your own or a houseshare. You might find you need to drink less when you are out of the toxic environment. Drink less anyway and save the money, you need a clear head to start organising your move out of there.

LegacyUser

Shoebox1926 wrote: »

a text saying come over and make my day, .

If you were younger we'd all be identifying this as potential grooming. As it stands, the best that can be said is that his behaviour is weird, inappropriate and slightly sinister. The above comment stands out to me as symptomatic of the issue, because it's the kind of text that fellas send when chancing their arms with younger women. That he sent it to his daughter elevates it to all kinds of wrong.

The fact that he's not speaking to you except for a brief and abusive exchange is typical of men who get knocked back, not fathers who have a misunderstanding with a daughter with whom they have an otherwise decent relationship. Your mother's reaction is a common one for the partners of abusers, they know they're wrong, but they take the abusers side against the victims or they try to stay out of it, even where the victims are their own children.

Far from misinterpreting the messages or overreacting, I don't think you're seeing this incident for what it is and you really, really need to get away from your father. That he's "grand when he's in a good mood" is not a sign of a decent person or healthy relationship, it's just how abusers (of any kind) behave when they haven't yet been triggered or got into a mood to abuse. That you so willingly accept it as a good sign is only because it's better than the rest of his behaviour (a common response of abuse victims). But it will change, that good mood always ends, the type of person they really are always comes back to the surface, they will always abuse until they're stopped by some means. A good mood is not a good person. You need to get away from your father.

Shoebox1926

Thanks everyone, as mentioned in my post it was the first night id been out in literally months, I dont drink regularly, infact I hadnt drank at all in about 4 or 5 months, it was one night out for a friends birthday, they were all drinking too, I wasnt the only one who was drunk, we all were.
I cant move out right now but trying too but its difficult and not something anyone here can find a solution for.
Yes im aware my family dynamic is toxic and not very stable, whose isnt? I would love if my parents handled things differently but they dont and never will, some of the time I feel like our roles are reversed and im speaking to bratty teenagers. Its exasperating at times but thats how it is. I have no experience of 'normal' so moving out and expecting to be a happy, well adjusted, 'normal' person isnt an easy option. I find building healthy relationships difficult as a result of my background which doesnt help me but thats neither here nor there.
I dont believe the messages were sinister, he just comes out with things sometimes or sometimes does things and doesnt see the wrong in it.
Im just confused and dont know how to move forward now. Things are awkward and difficult at home.

LostTazMan

I honestly think you need to prepare a plan to get yourself out of such a toxic situation as quickly as possible. I cannot see things improving. If you cannot move out now, perhaps by next month you can arrange something.

SirChenjin

'Yes im aware my family dynamic is toxic and not very stable, whose isn't?

Lots of people's I think. This sentence really stands out for me. I don't know any perfect family but what you seem to be saying is that it's the norm for the dynamic in all families to be 'toxic and not very stable'.
And it worries me, for you

I'm afraid I don't have any advice because the only way out is to get out of there, and you have said that is not an option at present.

All the best, OP, I do hope that things improve.

professore

SirChenjin wrote: »

'Yes im aware my family dynamic is toxic and not very stable, whose isn't?

Lots of people's I think. This sentence really stands out for me. I don't know any perfect family but what you seem to be saying is that it's the norm for the dynamic in all families to be 'toxic and not very stable'.
And it worries me, for you

I'm afraid I don't have any advice because the only way out is to get out of there, and you have said that is not an option at present.

All the best, OP, I do hope that things improve.

Agreed. Lots of people don't have toxic families like this. Then again lots of families don't have grown adults living with them either.

OP you are in your late 20s - it's high time to make your own way in life.

Hannibal_Smith

OP you're right, no family dynamic is perfect. My relationship like my mother is fairly toxic and honestly when I read your post, I could hear myself. The circumstances are different, ie take out the creepiness of what your dad said, but the way you're speaking out and saying something, but instantly apologizing for speaking badly about your parents and justifying their behaviour.

I'm still trying to find a happy way of enduring my family situation, so I can't give you advice. I would absolutely say move out, but as you've said it's not possible, I would almost say to become as independent as you can, whilst you're there. Yes you are under their roof etc, but that doesn't give them license to treat you as they think. They problem with people like that is, that if you tackle them, you're into them sulking and not talking to you again. It's awful when a parent gives you the silent treatment. It's such a toxic environment to be surrounded by.

You did nothing wrong. Your dad said something to you that was off and then rang you that night, making you feel uncomfortable. If your mother told you that, the adult thing to do would be to talk to you about it. Not shout at you and sulk, making matters worse. I have a really good relationship with my dad and never has he ever said anything that would make me feel creeped out. Talking about issues at home is not unhealthy. Keeping stuff to yourself is. You were creeped out, you discussed it with your mother, you did nothing wrong.

On the other hand, maybe your mother didn't tell him and he's sulking because you didn't turn up?

Anyhow the main thing is, take it easy on yourself. Too much is being put at your feet, even by yourself. Be as independent as you can so you don't need their emotional support anymore.

PressRun

I think the comments from your father are quite creepy and you know that there is something wrong about his behaviour, and it set the tone for your night. He made you feel uncomfortable before you'd even set foot out the door, and then you went on to have a pretty bad night. I would imagine your mother probably did tell him and exacerbated the situation. She is more likely to take his side than yours tbh. I'd get out of that house and get away from them both, if you can. Is there any possibility of moving in with friends while looking for a place by yourself?