Where to find serious partner?

mea_k

I have been separated for over 2 years and have not met anyone who would have interest in me. Im mother of one and sometimes feel like my old marrige has putten curse on me. Im 28 ok looking nothing major. But even at that i struggle finding anyone that would even engage in converstaion with me never mind taking me out on dates.
I have tried tinder and pof with no dates at all i had quit those. I have friends with benefits but im finishing that too because at some point it will get awkward.
Any suggestions?

TheBoyConor

Tbh you're at an age where it will be a struggle to find a relationship for a few reasons.

Younger guys than you in their 20s would be unlikely to be interested in getting with a woman who already has a child for an ex. Sure why would they when the can date other 20s girls who don't have the complicating factor of a child.

Guys older than you, say in their 30s, if the are interested in relationships are probably already in one so there is a much more limited pool of single guys looking for relationships. Then other single guys who are single in their 30s are probably not interested in relationships and are happy to stay single.

So that might leave you with the option of going much older, say 10 years + to find a guy who is divorced or separated. Bu the might have children too.

But why are you in a hurry to get into a relationship? Would you not be happy being single and enjoying the benefits of freedom and independence that the single life brings.

Sephiroth_dude

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Tbh you're at an age where it will be a struggle to find a relationship for a few reasons.

Younger guys than you in their 20s would be unlikely to be interested in getting with a woman who already has a child for an ex. Sure why would they when the can date other 20s girls who don't have the complicating factor of a child.

Guys older than you, say in their 30s, if the are interested in relationships are probably already in one so there is a much more limited pool of single guys looking for relationships. Then other single guys who are single in their 30s are probably not interested in relationships and are happy to stay single.

So that might leave you with the option of going much older, say 10 years + to find a guy who is divorced or separated. Bu the might have children too.

But why are you in a hurry to get into a relationship? Would you not be happy being single and enjoying the benefits of freedom and independence that the single life brings.

My god man are you for real? horrible advice, op don't pay attention to the above, do you have any hobbies? maybe you could join a club or something and get to know new people that way?

TheBoyConor

Yes I am being realistic. In around the 30 mark is a difficult time for women to date and form a relationship. I have several friends who are constantly giving out about not being able to find a good man to settle down with.
Younger men don't want to settle down, many older guys are already settled down. The pool of suitable partners is smaller. It's not that complicated.

Flippyfloppy

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Yes I am being realistic. In around the 30 mark is a difficult time for women to date and form a relationship. I have several friends who are constantly giving out about not being able to find a good man to settle down with.
Younger men don't want to settle down, many older guys are already settled down. The pool of suitable partners is smaller. It's not that complicated.

Same can be said for women in early 20's, any age. It's always hard to find a good man!

heretothere

I'd say try not to stress about it too much. I don't want to sound harsh but you could be coming across a bit full on. Maybe just be a bit more relaxed and therefore approachable.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

I spent a lot of my early thirties thinking and worrying there was no decent guys left (like the advice above). A switch flicked and I actually started to enjoy being single and came to terms with that being a permanent possibility. I deleted the dating apps, started filling my own life with enjoyable stuff, making more of effort to see my friends, doing fun stuff, exercising more regularly and just making myself content. I started thinking about dating in a very casual way...after about a year, and my approach was a little bit hesitant, in the sense that I wasn't really sure if I had time for a relationship or wanted to meet someone for something serious. I went on one date, and we're now happily together 11 months.

I think you need to learn how to make yourself happy first and realise that you don't actually need another person in your life, but it can be nice to have one

professore

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Same can be said for women in early 20's, any age. It's always hard to find a good man!

From experience I would say a lot of women in their early 20s go for the "bad boy" types who are only interested in one thing and settling down is the last thing on their minds. Pretty much any woman I knew back then with "man problems" it was because of this. If you date dicks and narcissists and don't listen to others then that's what happens. If you find yourself saying "but you don't know him like I do" then you are suffering from this syndrome. Meanwhile the decent guys get into long term relationships at that age with women who don't fall for that bad boy stuff. To be clear OP, I'm not saying you are like this.

I'd say at your stage the best men will be ones screwed over by women in their 20s - however the problem there is they might be bitter, so hard to know. Or possibly someone who put their heart and soul into building a business or a career with no time for dating and now is at an even keel and looking to settle down. However they could be workaholics.

The best thing is to throw any shopping lists out the window and go out with an open mind and see what happens. No one is perfect, but there is someone out there whose flaws complement yours.

Good luck!

Airyfairy12

professore wrote: »

From experience I would say a lot of women in their early 20s go for the "bad boy" types who are only interested in one thing and settling down is the last thing on their minds. Pretty much any woman I knew back then with "man problems" it was because of this. If you date dicks and narcissists and don't listen to others then that's what happens. If you find yourself saying "but you don't know him like I do" then you are suffering from this syndrome. Meanwhile the decent guys get into long term relationships at that age with women who don't fall for that bad boy stuff. To be clear OP, I'm not saying you are like this.

I'd say at your stage the best men will be ones screwed over by women in their 20s - however the problem there is they might be bitter, so hard to know. Or possibly someone who put their heart and soul into building a business or a career with no time for dating and now is at an even keel and looking to settle down. However they could be workaholics.

This is terrible advice. The 'nice' guys youre referring too tend to be the guys that think their entitled to sex and relationships because theyre 'nice' when in reality theyre not nice at all.
Theres a lad culture, particularly among men in their early 20's that treat women like conquest, this involves manipulation, building up a girls self esteem to knock it down again and is a form of emotional abuse that types of men use to get their sexual needs met. The problem is young girls are brought up believing in fairytales and are often naive to whats going on and that not their fault. For example, I was mates with a girl in college, her boyfriend treated her like a queen, he lost his dad and she was there for him 100%, what ever he needed, she was so close to him. He was sleeping with everyone behind her back from day one, we'd no idea as he was so genuine. She found out when she over heard him boasting to his mates who where basically worshiping him over his behavior. She confronts him, he denies it, tells her its just lads talk, nothing to worry about. Checks his phone, finds photos of himself posing with women on night out that he's sent to his mates and telling them who he ****ed the night before, messages from other women asking to see him again.
These type of men are sociopaths, its not as if they just dont respect women, they dont even consider women people. Women are sexual conquests, walking vaginas - nothing else.
Unfortunately lots of women carry on putting up with this behavior from men because they dont want to believe everything their partner told them was a lie, the entire relationship was a lie.

Genuine, decent guys with something going for them are very hard to come by. Keep in mind it takes more than being a 'decent' person to make a relationship work. You have to have things in common, have similar interests, similar goals and life plans, somewhat similar social lives and incomes. Someone can be decent but have low intelligence or the sense of humor of a spoon.
Women arent desperate, just like men. Theyre not going to latch onto the first 'decent' fella for the sake of being in a relationship. Thats not fair to either of them.

messy tessy

LolaJJ wrote: »

I think you need to learn how to make yourself happy first and realise that you don't actually need another person in your life, but it can be nice to have one

This is simply excellent advice!

Eric Cartman

professore wrote: »

From experience I would say a lot of women in their early 20s go for the "bad boy" types who are only interested in one thing and settling down is the last thing on their minds. Pretty much any woman I knew back then with "man problems" it was because of this. If you date dicks and narcissists and don't listen to others then that's what happens. If you find yourself saying "but you don't know him like I do" then you are suffering from this syndrome. Meanwhile the decent guys get into long term relationships at that age with women who don't fall for that bad boy stuff. To be clear OP, I'm not saying you are like this.

I'd say at your stage the best men will be ones screwed over by women in their 20s - however the problem there is they might be bitter, so hard to know. Or possibly someone who put their heart and soul into building a business or a career with no time for dating and now is at an even keel and looking to settle down. However they could be workaholics.

The best thing is to throw any shopping lists out the window and go out with an open mind and see what happens. No one is perfect, but there is someone out there whose flaws complement yours.

Good luck!

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

This is terrible advice. The 'nice' guys youre referring too tend to be the guys that think their entitled to sex and relationships because theyre 'nice' when in reality theyre not nice at all.
Theres a lad culture, particularly among men in their early 20's that treat women like conquest, this involves manipulation, building up a girls self esteem to knock it down again and is a form of emotional abuse that types of men use to get their sexual needs met. The problem is young girls are brought up believing in fairytales and are often naive to whats going on and that not their fault. For example, I was mates with a girl in college, her boyfriend treated her like a queen, he lost his dad and she was there for him 100%, what ever he needed, she was so close to him. He was sleeping with everyone behind her back from day one, we'd no idea as he was so genuine. She found out when she over heard him boasting to his mates who where basically worshiping him over his behavior. She confronts him, he denies it, tells her its just lads talk, nothing to worry about. Checks his phone, finds photos of himself posing with women on night out that he's sent to his mates and telling them who he ****ed the night before, messages from other women asking to see him again.
These type of men are sociopaths, its not as if they just dont respect women, they dont even consider women people. Women are sexual conquests, walking vaginas - nothing else.
Unfortunately lots of women carry on putting up with this behavior from men because they dont want to believe everything their partner told them was a lie, the entire relationship was a lie.

Genuine, decent guys with something going for them are very hard to come by. Keep in mind it takes more than being a 'decent' person to make a relationship work. You have to have things in common, have similar interests, similar goals and life plans, somewhat similar social lives and incomes. Someone can be decent but have low intelligence or the sense of humor of a spoon.
Women arent desperate, just like men. Theyre not going to latch onto the first 'decent' fella for the sake of being in a relationship. Thats not fair to either of them.

I think both of you have had terrible experiences with the opposite sex and there is clear resentment coming through here , especially this idea that theres loads of psychopathic narcissist bad boys going around ruining all the women.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

antiskeptic

sashafierce wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

In all likelihood it is. Somehow the poster has gotten from younger-than-the-OP not interested in settling down to a little-older-than-the-OP largely settled down.

Presumably the boyz move from one category to the other involves setting up shop with a lass. Of which the OP is one.

CSSE09

Take a breath, spend some extra time with the kid and some extra me to to yourself. Any new or old hobby you'd consider taking up? Could learn a new skill and if you happened to meet someone through it that'd be a bonus. I'm a single guy of a similar age to yourself and found the online dating hard going, it was rare people would actually want to have a decent conversation, it works for some but not all so chin up, do things to keep yourself happy and see what happens down the line.

Big Bag of Chips

TheBoyConor, professore, and AiryFairy12, broad sweeping generalisations have no place in Personal Issues. Offer advice to the OP, based on what she asked, or don't post.

AiryFairy12, your very lengthy post was largely irrelevant to what the OP asked. And TheBoyConor and professore, you also rambled with irrelevant rubbish that didn't address the OP's query.

I think you have all been nudged in the direction of posting according to the Charter at various times. Read it, remember it and stick to it. Next instance where moderator action is required will result in cards and bans.

And can people please stop quoting long, rambling, irrelevant posts!! We all scrolled through them the first time, we don't need to keep scrolling through them multiple times.

leggo

This thread has not been a high point in PI, but you got great advice all the same with the person that said you need to be content within yourself and happy on your own before you'll find what you're looking for. You're 28 and therefore young in this regard (<snip>), so there's no rush to find someone immediately.

The reality is that people can pick up on others' micro-signals, even subconsciously. In other words, if you're feeling lonely and very actively looking for someone to fill that void, that can come across even through a Tinder message. It can spook people, even if you're actually an amazing catch all things considered. And that can feed into the loneliness, which then feeds back into that, and it becomes a situation like the one you describe where you're deleting apps that only exist to help you find someone.

As cliched as it sounds, when I think of people I've met that have stuck around, it's when I haven't particularly been looking and just been happy in whatever situation I was in (even if it's just a good night in the local or whatever when the last thing I'm thinking of is meeting someone). That's attractive to people, they gravitate towards it whether in bars or in real life, it even translates over a Tinder message. People want more of that in their own lives. So focus on that and yourself, spend more time with friends, get hobbies or an active life where possible (I know that can be tough with a child) and look after your own happiness. The rest will follow.