Friends not interested?

LegacyUser

So I have a select number of good friends. I know they'll be there for me if ever I need them and they care about me but day-to-day it feels like I've got no-one. They all seem to be very busy with their own lives/other friends/boyfriends and I really don't know what to do about it.
They're happy to do things if I ask them too bu rarely suggest doing anything or invite me anywhere. I asked a friend if she wanted to grab a drink last Friday she apologised and said she had a really stressful week and didn't want to (fair enough) but she was going for drinks over the weekend if I wanted to come. She was going with a bunch of friend from various places and I was hurt that I hadn't been asked before. Would she have thought of me at all if I hadn't contacted her first?

My housemate went out Friday night, Saturday night and had brunch today, none of which was out of the ordinary or a big deal, but because I didn't initiate any plans this weekend I literally haven't spoken to anyone. A work college was joking (not knowing how upsetting I find it) that I always seem to have my social engagements booked with friends in advance. He can just text a bunch of friends at 4.30 and someone will usually be free to grab a drink at 5.

I do actually enjoy time to myself and have a pretty busy life at the moment but my down-time is often bitter sweet because I know I'm not alone by choice. And sometime I can lead me to make bad decisions; I'll go anywhere I'm invited even if I have work to do just because I'm so grateful to have been asked.

I'm starting to distance myself from my friends because I feel like I'm coming across as super needy. But if I don't initiate contact I don't hear. Yet when we hang out it's great! One friend gave me such an amazing, thoughtful birthday card about how lucky she is to have me but I haven't heard from her since. It just makes me wonder why people who I feel really care about me don't put in the effort. Maybe they don't want to be around me?

zapper55

Ok you are really really overthinking this. I've very good friends I mightnt contact for weeks as I've stuff on and they do too. Never do we think we don't want to be around each other.

Re your male colleagues comment. I presume you are female? I am and all the girls I know we plan stuff for ages in advance because we like to have stuff to look forward to.


When guys I know organise drinks it might be with an hours notice. Male friends have said to me before they are envious of how we plan stuff sometimes, but that guys don't really do that.

I sent a text to a bunch of friends yesterday evening to see if anyone was about for a drink as I was at something that finished early. Nobody was and I didn't think for a second it was personal.

You should definitely join girlcrew or meetup groups to expand your friend circle. You mightnt even notice when other friends aren't about and they might surprise you and contact you.

Also if I felt a friend was overly reliant on me for going out I might wantnto step back for a while. Maybe there's an element of.that, maybe not.

messy tessy

lonlie wrote: »

A work college was joking (not knowing how upsetting I find it) that I always seem to have my social engagements booked with friends in advance. He can just text a bunch of friends at 4.30 and someone will usually be free to grab a drink at 5

I wouldn't take any notice of this comment. He might have a ready supply of drinking buddies, but I'd rather have a small amount of really good friends, than a heap of random drinking pals.

Two of my best friends live in two seperate counties, if we don't organise stuff ages in advance we don't see each other. I reckon it's the same for alot of people.

LegacyUser

Well maybe it is just a different definition of friendship then...I'd expect to see a good friend most weeks. If not everyweek. Of course I have friends I don't see so often but they live abroad or down the country, that's different. I just feel like I only have friends for the bad times, like when I need something. Not just because I want to have a chat or grab a pint.

PlaneSpeeking

I struggled with this myself. I met my best friend (of 20 years now) in work. We saw each other daily, evenings, weekends etc.

Then he changed jobs. We were on holiday and agreed we'd chat by phone/email daily and see each other at least each week.

Fast forward through him moving cities, me moving countries and we see each other twice a year for a full day and not much apart from that - plus we can go weeks without so much as an email.

If you'd have told me ten years ago when we were inseperable that this would be the situation, I would have said I couldn't have coped. But I have, and it's okay, but not perfect.

Friendships evolve but the true ones never go away. My best to you.

Dial Hard

Lonlie wrote: »

Well maybe it is just a different definition of friendship then...I'd expect to see a good friend most weeks. If not everyweek.

Tbh, I think this is a bit of an unrealistic expectation. People have jobs, families, hobbies - lives of their own, essentially. I'm single, as are my two best friends but we certainly wouldn't see eachother every week or anything near it. I think your expectations are the problem here, not your friends. Yeah, it's nice to be able to go for an impromptu drink every so often but that's not the defining factor of a friendship and you shouldn't be measuring the value of your friendships on some arbitrary "how often we meet" scale.

PlaneSpeeking

Dial Hard wrote: »

Tbh, I think this is a bit of an unrealistic expectation. People have jobs, families, hobbies - lives of their own, essentially. I'm single, as are my two best friends but we certainly wouldn't see eachother every week or anything near it. I think your expectations are the problem here, not your friends. Yeah, it's nice to be able to go for an impromptu drink every so often but that's not the defining factor of a friendship and you shouldn't be measuring the value of your friendships on some arbitrary "how often we meet" scale.

Excellently put.

I know my best friend would do anything for m, and I for him - but other things get in the way.

It's all a bit Cats in the Cradle at times but he's got my back, and likewise.