I hate being single and alone

Talkinghands87

I posted in recent months about my partner leaving me after 12 years. I got some great advice and found a real sense of comfort in everyone's responses.
I done everything I needed to do. I moved out, got a new car, a new job. I've met up with friends, tried to move on with things.
I am struggling more than ever. I come home from work and I cry myself to sleep every night. The loneliness I feel is crippling. Im living and working in Dublin and this is the first time I've been in Dublin without "him".
Im scared about where my thoughts are going. To feeling worthless, like I'll be alone forever and longing so desperately for someone to want me and love me. How can I be happy alone, I don't think I ever ever will.

LandersDublin

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

I posted in recent months about my partner leaving me after 12 years. I got some great advice and found a real sense of comfort in everyone's responses.
I done everything I needed to do. I moved out, got a new car, a new job. I've met up with friends, tried to move on with things.
I am struggling more than ever. I come home from work and I cry myself to sleep every night. The loneliness I feel is crippling. Im living and working in Dublin and this is the first time I've been in Dublin without "him".
Im scared about where my thoughts are going. To feeling worthless, like I'll be alone forever and longing so desperately for someone to want me and love me. How can I be happy alone, I don't think I ever ever will.

I had a similar situation, relationship of 7 years broke down last year. I suffered for a few months, everyone gets lonely. As a 31 year old male it's hard to say that but hopefully ya get some comfort. Focus on moving on, having a good time and making memories.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you need to talk to a counsellor? You've never been single as an adult and that's quite an adjustment to make. And because of the way your ex behaved towards you, that's a lot to process there. It's far too early for you to even think about another relationship. Being single for a while and rediscovering yourself as an individual, not half of a couple could do you a world of good. You've been "institutionalised" to a certain extent and being single for a while could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

You're still young and you still have the chance to meet someone else. But for now, you're so vulnerable you run the risk of getting with someone else just to kill the loneliness.

Sunflower 27

I'm sorry you are going through this. You don't need a new relationship. You need to heal yourself before you even consider filling the void left by your ex.

Your self esteem is in tatters and if I picked things up right, you are possibly having suicidal ideation. If this is the case you need to reach out for professional help, either your GP, a counsellor, or both.

You don't have to suffer like this a year on. I know you can't see any improvement in your situation happening any time soon, but that's the depression or possibly complicated grief (Google it) that you are in the throes of.

Please speak to someone x

Talkinghands87

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

I'm sorry you are going through this. You don't need a new relationship. You need to heal yourself before you even consider filling the void left by your ex.

Your self esteem is in tatters and if I picked things up right, you are possibly having suicidal ideation. If this is the case you need to reach out for professional help, either your GP, a counsellor, or both.

You don't have to suffer like this a year on. I know you can't see any improvement in your situation happening any time soon, but that's the depression or possibly complicated grief (Google it) that you are in the throes of.

Please speak to someone x

Not exactly suicidal thoughts but im scared that it possibly could turn to that in the future. Or I guess in scared that things just won't ever get better.

I have things planned for the next two weekends but this weekend I have nothing and I feel empty and stressed with trying to fill the void being on my own brings. Im going to go out for a walk but again I don't like Al the time with my own thoughts.

Addle

How long has it been OP?

Ursus Horribilis

OP, if being single is such a terrible thing, how do you think all the other single people around you manage to cope from day to day?

sparrowcar

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

Not exactly suicidal thoughts but im scared that it possibly could turn to that in the future. Or I guess in scared that things just won't ever get better.

I have things planned for the next two weekends but this weekend I have nothing and I feel empty and stressed with trying to fill the void being on my own brings. Im going to go out for a walk but again I don't like Al the time with my own thoughts.

Fearing those thoughts is a good thing.
If you found comfort in those thoughts it would be more worrying.

It sounds to me like you are very close to taking that last step to freedom in your mind. One last feeling of loss of "him" before finally moving on. Keep at it, you're almost there.

Talkinghands87

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

OP, if being single is such a terrible thing, how do you think all the other single people around you manage to cope from day to day?

It's not that I think it's a terrible thing I just don't enjoy it. Im a very shy person, I haven't a massive amount of friends and I guess feeling pretty needy lately.

Sunflower 27

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

It's not that I think it's a terrible thing I just don't enjoy it. Im a very shy person, I haven't a massive amount of friends and I guess feeling pretty needy lately.

Do you not see this as being the issue, not finding a relationship, any relationship to keep you from facing your fears?

You can't expect anyone to fix your life or make it better. If you do, you are always at someone else's mercy and you are going to react this way after every breakup.

I don't know why your last relationship ended, could your neediness have been a factor?

It seems like you want the easy quick fix, which is not going to solve anything for you long term. Ask yourself, would you want a partner like you? Or would you want someone confident, happy in their own skin, resilient?

You need to sort out yourself, although it doesn't sound like you want to

I’m single and happy, probably a lot older than you. I wish I could bottle it and sell it.

There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely and I’m rarely (if ever) lonely. The key is two things:

1. Self love - I know that sounds simple but it’s one of the hardest things to do. But if you love yourself, you’re always with someone you love and it’s wonderful. And that makes the second thing follow naturally...

2. Friends - I don’t have a massive amount of friends either but the ones I have are real friends and they are a real source of joy to me, as I am to them. So being alone is a doddle, knowing they are there when I need them and I for them.

I had a loooong period of time when I was very unhappy and now, looking back, I can see how that affected all my relationships. A shedload of counselling and a change of lifestyle turned things around for me utterly.

And as I (and others) have said, the first thing is you. You need to learn to be happy, to be with you and happy with you.

I really hope I’m not coming across as smug or something, I just wish I could share this feeling of comfort with you.

Honestly, you can have it, it’s there for you if you have the will to look for it. X

Talkinghands87

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Do you not see this as being the issue, not finding a relationship, any relationship to keep you from facing your fears?

You can't expect anyone to fix your life or make it better. If you do, you are always at someone else's mercy and you are going to react this way after every breakup.

I don't know why your last relationship ended, could your neediness have been a factor?

It seems like you want the easy quick fix, which is not going to solve anything for you long term. Ask yourself, would you want a partner like you? Or would you want someone confident, happy in their own skin, resilient?

You need to sort out yourself, although it doesn't sound like you want to

There's unfortunately a full thread here on why he left, drinking, depression etc etc.
It's not even the single part that bothers me it's the lack of company feeling on my own and not having anyone to do anything with. All my friends are settled now.

Ursus Horribilis

My adult life has been a mixture of being single and in relationships of varying lengths. I wouldn't change my times as a singleton for anything because they were the making of me. Having to fend for myself and do things on my own took me out of my comfort zone and I'm all the better for it. I'm somewhat shy too but I would be a lot worse if I hadn't been single and had no choice but to talk to others. I'm in a newish relationship and naturally I hope it'll go the distance. If it doesn't, I'll be very upset of course. I also know that I'll be OK.

You're still wired to only want to do things with other people. You're in Dublin today, right? Is there really nothing on in the city you could go visit/look at for a few hours? I think if I was at a loose end today I might look at the Pride march (have never been to anything like that before) or I'd see was there anything interesting in Dublin I'd not visited before. Museums, art galleries, Botanic gardens, historic churches, parks. Even just to sit under a shady tree and read a book would be nice. Go to see a film in a nice air-conditioned cinema. Have a nice cup of coffee/or something colder in town and just people watch. Thing is, nobody around you is going to care whether you're on your own or not. Learning how to be alone and to do things to amuse yourself is an invaluable skill.

It's normal to grieve a relationship of years, been there myself. It takes longer than months, and feeling really lousy is unavoidable and natural and probably even necessary. You can't rush it, only occupy yourself and wait for time to do it's thing. Bringing another person into the equation at this point is only going to paint the cracks over, they need to heal first, rotten as that experience is there are no short cuts. It's also not fair on them.

Learn to be alone, it's a valuable skill that will prevent you from pursuing bad relationships to avoid loneliness. Learn to enjoy things alone by finding out what you like for yourself, not as a couple. There are huge positives to being single that you should really cultivate some appreciation for. It should be a growth experience if you've never been single before, don't throw it away easily because you're scared of it. Silence is there to be enjoyed as well as filled.

Talkinghands87

It's been three months this weekend since he left.
It's not so much the lack of man in my life that bothers me just watching everyone else getting married, buying homes etc. All things I wanted and thought I had until recently. I love having someone to go for dinner with whenever I want, someone to talk to.
I've always been independent, I've travelled the world alone while my ex boyfriend stayed home so it's not that part that bothers me so much.
I can't put into words really the knot in my stomach when it hits me over and over when I had and lost. I can't believe it. I'm in complete shock still.

Talkinghands87

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

It's been three months this weekend since he left.
It's not so much the lack of man in my life that bothers me just watching everyone else getting married, buying homes etc. All things I wanted and thought I had until recently. I love having someone to go for dinner with whenever I want, someone to talk to.
I've always been independent, I've travelled the world alone while my ex boyfriend stayed home so it's not that part that bothers me so much.
I can't put into words really the knot in my stomach when it hits me over and over when I had and lost. I can't believe it. I'm in complete shock still.

And all of that is normal, natural, and will run it's course. It won't be helped by rushing into another relationship because you're finding the aloneness hard.

Three months is nothing after a 12 year relationship, give yourself a break. You can't have it all together so soon, it's too early. Get your head straight and don't measure your life against other peoples, your life is your own and theirs probably isn't as rosy as you're assuming. Get over this patch, get comfortable with yourself, try to see the positives in your situation instead of wanting the void filled. Only you can make yourself better.