Separated man - guidance please!

LegacyUser

Hello

Context here. I'm a man in his mid 30s. Married with 2 children but currently going through a complex separation; won't give details but while no separation is straight forward there are some issues here holding up the process and it might be 6-9 months before we are "officially" separated. Tbh the marriage has been dead for 2 years or so but the life support machine was switched off about 8-9 months ago

The thing is I have been slightly blindsided. I was in now way "window shopping" but I have met a really beautiful girl in work. Works in the same company but we don't work directly together. While we don't know each other that well there really seems to be a spark (I have often caught her starring at me starry eyed and god is she a beautiful girl). Thing is she's a bit younger than me (based on a quick browse of her LinkedIn profile I'd say 28 or 29) and possibly doesn't know my current relationship position

While I'm not exactly Brad Pitt in the looks department I don't think I'd be classified as ugly either. Have been told I'm "handsome" (I'm quite tall too) but mostly that I'd be an attractive man based on personality, love a laugh, nice guy to be around, have a good job etc.

As I said I don't know this girl all too well but we chat at the tea station often and tbh based on interactions if she doesn't fancy me then I'm a Dutchman

So lets be honest here:

1. At the minute I'm in no place for a relationship. It wouldn't be fair on the children, the girl or me
2. I know that in 6-9 months this girl may be taken and I can't complain. Beautiful girl in the prime of her life
3. I am starting to possibly have feelings for her over and above "wow that girl is really, really pretty"

What I'm looking for is perspective, in particular from women in their late 20s.

Is this a pipe dream?

Have I way too much baggage to interest a beautiful girl 7-8 years younger than me?

If you, as a girl in her late 20s as described above, was in the position would you consider it or run a mile (would not blame anyone if they said the latter)?

Also if you are of the opinion it could work what advice would you have to keep what I hope is a flame burning until I might be in a position to ask her out?

Many thanks in advance for your replies

Aufbau

MidLife Crisis wrote: »

So lets be honest here:

1. At the minute I'm in no place for a relationship. It wouldn't be fair on the children, the girl or me

So, back off.

Use your statement above as a mantra, and back off.

mazwell

Why exactly do you think she fancies you. Bar her looking at you "starry eyed".

Addle

Are you actually separated?

LegacyUser

Aufbau wrote: »

So, back off.

Use your statement above as a mantra, and back off.

There is nothing to "back off" from. I am not pursuing this girl. We interact when our paths cross in work.I am not pursuing her, we don't arrange to meet. Same as every other man/woman I am acquainted with in work. We bump into each other in the lift/canteen/tea station and chat

mazwell wrote: »

Why exactly do you think she fancies you. Bar her looking at you "starry eyed".

Won't go into too many details but to me it's quite obvious. I may be wrong of course but I don't think so

Addle wrote: »

Are you actually separated?

Legally not yet. Process is ongoing but not yet complete

Big Bag of Chips

Your age difference isn't huge. You having children mightn't be a factor for her. Do you still live with your wife? If you do, that's what might cause problems for you. Or if your wife makes life difficult for you in any new relationship you might start. If you are not in a position to enter a new relationship now, then that's that. You never know, she might be unavailable herself at the moment.

You're asking a hypothetical question that nobody here can give the answer to. Only the girl herself can decide if you're too old, or come with too much baggage. You say you don't know her very well.. so maybe use your brief meetings to get to know her. Ask her about herself. Has she kids? Hobbies? Where's she from/living? Etc.

You'll find out a lot more about her by talking to her.

TheBoyConor

Tbh OP i'd leave it go. You not being ready for a relationship is reason enough.

Other problems I'd see would be that you work with her and she is a fair bit younger.
I don't think that would be a good idea. Plus if she is younger and in a junior position then it could look very bad from the outside as it could be seen by some as sort of like grooming.
And she might not want to be seen dating an older more senior guy at work as it might look to outsiders like she was trying to sleep her way into a promotion.

Forget about this. Just concentrate on separating from your wife and children.

ManOfMystery

When I was younger and playing the field a bit, I was casually seeing one girl (but getting bored) whilst still trying to get something going with a new one. I remember my Dad's great advice - "Never try to start one fire while you're still trying to put another out".

Sort the separation out first. It's not just about you; it's your ex, your kids, they're all affected. Then, you can move on with a clean slate and a clean conscience.

miamee

I have a friend who has been in a similar position to your wife in this scenario. Her husband left her, told her there was no one else but she had a feeling he was lying. A short time later he is seeing a younger girl from work - the one his wife already thought he was seeing behind her back. His complete lack of honesty on top of the fact he's seeing someone else so soon has scuppered any chance they had at an amicable separation and they too have two children to consider. It is messy and very difficult on the kids. Think of them first. Sort out your marriage, separation and kids. You'll have your chance to get out there and back in the saddle so to speak, you don't need to grab on to the first girl to give you the glad eye.

orthsquel

Would many of your colleagues be aware of you being married, with kids and getting separated? Would she? If she doesn't know, it probably won't be long before she find out.

It could potentially be a lot of baggage for anyone - regardless of age - to face in a potential relationship; that all depends on the person and how involved they want to be in a relationship, or just something more casual. It's a lot to consider because dealing with the ex wife and the kids will be a priority to you and will impinge on the relationship, she'll always be 2nd to the kids - but that is something you are going to face in the future anyway and potential relationships - and that prospect to someone without that baggage may be very daunting and frustrating to some people.

If you're not in the right place for a relationship, it's probably best not to be in one; it's not going to be fair to anyone and probably isn't going to help a blossoming relationship.

tbh you sound a bit smitten; she could be attracted to you but if you intend on pursuing her you'll of course need to be upfront about your circumstance especially as you're still actually married....with kids, and she may not be expecting that.

368100

Be careful that you're not confusing a crush for real feelings. Youve obviously had a bad time in relationship over last couple of years so it would be easy to confuse getting a bit of attention again

Daisy78

You don’t seem to have any real connection with this girl, you mention her looks several times in your post but nothing else, what exactly do you have in common that would give rise to the spark you mention?

Im not in my twenties but I know that I wouldn’t ever consider dating a seperated man with two kids, it would be way too much for me to take on. And if she is attractive as you say she is she probably has other prospects with men her own age who don’t have kids.

Right now your focus should be on your separation and any arrangements you need to put in place. I would treat this as a mild crush and nothing else.

splinter65

I’d never have considered getting involved with a man with children. Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear.
Maybe, maybe a man who was married and separated but the kids would have been a deal breaker for me.
I think you are looking for some female physical and emotional comfort to soothe your battle wounds from your seoeration and you’ve escalated a few flirty exchanged between you and this girl into a burgeoning steamy full blown affair.
Whatever, now is not the time for you to kick start anything. At least one of you will get badly hurt.

heretothere

I'd be the right age bracket you're looking for. Honestly, sorry I'd run a mile! I think you need to concentrate on having the most amicable separation possible with your wife right now. Even though you weren't cheating, you're wife will presume there was something going on before the separation.

Also with how messy this could get I doubt the new relationship would be anything other than a rebound, then you'll have to look at her in work which will be awkward!

Payton

I feel you have too much going on there. Get the legal stuff out of the way first and then start to build a new life.

power pants

I think you are indeed a Dutchman

Girls in work environments chat all the time to be polite and social

Unless you have any definitive reason apart from starry eyed looks which could be wishful thinking , I would be highly skeptical

redfox123

This is the cliche of bored man getting out of long relationship/marriage and developing infatuation for young woman primarily based on looks.
It's a subconscious way of not dealin with the reality of your life and the awful process of the end of a marriage, a distraction to feel better. These things rarely work out, I've had quite a few men in work situations and out of work who are in a bad relationship/just coming out of one, and next thing declaring their love/feelings within a month of meeting me, it's over the top, and they don't realize their feelings aren't real and just there to fill a void and think a crush will be the answer to their unhappiness or something. You don't know her, just be friendly and normal. Sort out things fully with your family which is your priority (no matter whether you feel like it or not) they come first.

Emme

OP if this girl is in her late 20s it is unlikely she would date a man who is still going through a separation. Girls like that have a good choice of men and it is unlikely she would take on something messy. She would probably date a SINGLE man in his 30s though or maybe a DIVORCED man. You are not strictly single. Your priority now is making sure your separation goes through smoothly.

You have your children to consider - make sure the process goes as smoothly as possible for their sake. Also keep things amicable with your ex-wife to be.

About her smiling at you in work - she is being friendly. Nothing more.