Life seems so tough right now

LegacyUser

I'm going to try keep this brief as there are so many issues in my life I don't know where to start.
1) I'm a woman of 31, single and quite down about it. All except one of my friends are in relationships so I now go away for nights on my own or go off on day trips by myself as they aren't really able to go anywhere which is understandable. I came to the realisation last night as I spent yet another night away on my own in a hotel how lonely I really am. I have friends and quite good ones at that from different areas of my life- work/school/housemates. It's just that they have their own lives now with partners and I'm not wanted.
2) I'm single and I am so unhappy. My last relationship was a disaster and I was treated callously in the end which has made me petrified to go there with anyone else. I get so upset seeing people get together so effortlessly and things having no complications and wonder what I am doing so wrong that it never happened for me. At he moment I am still heartbroken and my confidence is in shreds so I can't contemplate dating.
3) I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. She has undiagnosed mental illness and for so long I kept making an effort and trying to pretend it wasn't really there but now it's gone to the stage where I am resentful of her. It's difficult to see her and I'm constantly waiting for the next time she flips out. A few months ago it was because I was apparently "lying to her" and she was sick of it. I didn't come home for a few weeks because of this and she left me voicemails practically crying begging for me to come home and see her and my Dad. It was the last straw in a long line of stuff and something clicked on me that I can't accept anymore of her behaviour.
4) related to point above is that due to everything I have begun to comfort eat and have put on about half a stone. Weight is harder to lose now than years ago and while I'm not near overweight I don't feel good in myself. My mother made comments about this the other day and it really upset me and started saying I was lying about the exercise I was doing. I also overheard two friends saying to each other that I had definitely put on weight which hurt me a bit more to be honest. I go through a cycle of a week -10 days of being really really good with food and exercise, weighing myself and having lost nothing and then binging because I'm so fed up.

I know this post is very self centred and all about me but I genuinely feel so alone right now. I feel like I have nobody and I'm just drowning. I have started eating healthy again since Monday and exercising as maybe it will make me feel better all around. I don't know what I'm looking for here as maybe I didn't give enough detail for advice. I don't know how to feel positive towards myself or my life at the moment and things are very tough.

Finchie1276

Hi,

Im sorry it is so hard for you.
I think the issue is your relationship with your mother - it has not left you with a good model of what healthy relationships are.

Maybe through a good psychotherapist you can explore this - not to attribute blame but to see if you can accept your mother as she is maybe even with a bit of compassion for her and yourself. She did not choose to have her illness and is maybe unaware of its affects.

Relationship wise - you have to trust - a get hurt, and trust again - its what life is about. THe hard knocks cant prevent us from experiencing happiness. You are only 31 - there is loads of time.

If you do the above and feel better about things and establish a healthier dynamic then you will probably lose the weight too - your issue is you are seeing all your issues together as unsurmountable - take them in pieces, allow yourself mistakes, have patience and you will see the trajectory of recovery is slow but moving forward. Take a little time today to say thanks for who you are and enjoy the day - regardless of your issues - you'll be surprised how the good days add up.

Take care + Good luck.

ahnow

Hi OP, Im sorry for your troubles!
You talked about a lot of different issues affecting you. Firstly it sounds like you’re still processing the hurt from the last relationship, and that’s going to take some time. That combined with the issues about your mother, and your friends being preoccupied, you sound like your support system could be better, which is going to affect how you feel. Have you gone to a counsellor about all of this? While it’s not a quick fix it can really help you straighten out your head and help you get into a better space when it comes to relationships, and provide you a bit of support and someone totally on your side which it really sounds like you need right now.
I echo what the previous poster said there about the dysfunctional relationship with your mother might have had an effect on how you see yourself and your significant relationships. It could be worth exploring.

As for the loneliness, I really recommend taking up some sort of hobby that does little trips away to places. I did a short photography course and have started doing weekends away with different groups and it is such a joy, and because you’re half focused on the photography end of it the socialising is really gentle and not forced. Plus you get to explore different places. But even doing something active like kayaking or surfing or hiking there’s similar options for trips away in company and an opportunity to meet new pals that way.
I think the issues with your mother are really worth discussing with a counsellor, and honestly I think that she is having a toxic effect on your life. Life is hard enough without someone cutting you with insults about your weight, nobody needs that, and certainly not from someone who is supposed to love you.
I think exploring healthy boundaries around the relationship with your mother should be looked at. You shouldn’t have to be subjected to that ****e. It doesn’t mean you have to cut callously off from her, especially considering she has mental issues, but that also doesn’t mean you need to tolerate abuse from her. Exploring that with a counsellor could be helpful. A way I have managed difficult family relationships is to do short visits where I have to head off for another engagement shortly so can cut the time spent with them when I need to. Also if it turns to a verbal abuse situation just stating that you’re not going to engage if they cant speak to you with respect, and then leave. It can be stressful, but it’s an option if estrangement is too hard.
Also half a stone is barely even noticeable, so try not to feel too badly about a bit of weight gain, it happens to all of us!
I think a good counsellor to provide a bit of support should be the first port of call, and then start building on all of those other issues from there.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the replies. I actually did engage with a counsellor and she has been very helpful but it's like I remember everything she said for a week or two but then I start letting things get on top of me again. I can only afford to go once a month and I think it really helps in the sense that there is nobody else I would tell all this to.

I did tell one friend about the difficulties with Mam and she was really supportive towards me but a while after things improved and I feel I can't keep bringing other people down by telling them my issues. I've spent this weekend by myself except for a hair appointment, visiting my sister in law. It just gets really difficult when every single one of my friends are coupled up and now doing stuff with me is last on their priority list. Sometimes when I suggest dinner or whatever they don't have excuses and just say they don't want to go which I do find hard to deal with. I don't know anyway around this.

My previous relationship has left me questioning everything about myself. There was no closure, no meet up and it was ended over a text and that's the bit I find so hard to deal with. I wouldn't know where to even start with dating as I'd feel I'd end up using it as a way to solve my loneliness issue and take it way too seriously. I feel I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the ups and downs and ghosting etc that seems to be happening everywhere these days.

Daisy78

feelalone wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for the replies. I actually did engage with a counsellor and she has been very helpful but it's like I remember everything she said for a week or two but then I start letting things get on top of me again. I can only afford to go once a month and I think it really helps in the sense that there is nobody else I would tell all this to.

I did tell one friend about the difficulties with Mam and she was really supportive towards me but a while after things improved and I feel I can't keep bringing other people down by telling them my issues. I've spent this weekend by myself except for a hair appointment, visiting my sister in law. It just gets really difficult when every single one of my friends are coupled up and now doing stuff with me is last on their priority list. Sometimes when I suggest dinner or whatever they don't have excuses and just say they don't want to go which I do find hard to deal with. I don't know anyway around this.

My previous relationship has left me questioning everything about myself. There was no closure, no meet up and it was ended over a text and that's the bit I find so hard to deal with. I wouldn't know where to even start with dating as I'd feel I'd end up using it as a way to solve my loneliness issue and take it way too seriously. I feel I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the ups and downs and ghosting etc that seems to be happening everywhere these days.

I know this might not be a lot of comfort to you but your situation is not as uncommon as you think. Turning thirty seems to make or break couples and lots of women find themselves without a decent social network as a result of many of their friends getting married, etc. My long term relationship broke down just as I turned 30. Didn't have many friends at the time and the ones I did have were either coupled up and some also had kids. I had to actively go out with a view to meeting new people and basically start again. I joined clubs, volunteered, went to meetups, etc. At the time I found it really (really) difficult as I'm introverted by nature and I either withdraw from people completely or overdo it to make up for my quietness. Sometimes I met like minded people, very often I didn't but I always tried to make the most of the activities I signed up to. Over time I've managed to make lots of lovely new friends and I've had experiences with them that I never would have if I'd stayed in the relationship I was in. I get the loneliness of watching everyone else settling down when it feels like you have come to a full stop. But if you treat this as an opportunity rather than a burden you will see your situation in a different light.

In relation to the relationship with your mum, have you ever sat down and had a full frank conversation with her about how you feel? I don't mean a full on confrontation but an open and honest discussion with her? Does she know how unhappy her comments/actions are making you? I think you need to rip off that plaster, if you are ever going to have a mature and healthy relationship with her you need to let her know how she is making you feel.

Regarding the single bit, well there is no magic bullet on that one I'm afraid. Anyway if I was you I'd put dating on the back burner for a while. You have a lot to contend with at the moment and maybe not in the best place to start into the rollercoaster ride that is dating. Allow yourself some time off, focus on other things, take up new activities, seek out new people and maybe in say a year/ 18 months time you might be in a better place to think about that.

Emme

OP the first thing is to limit or cut contact with your mother. Visit once a month max, keep your visits short and ignore any please to come home and "see your Dad" in between. If necessary block your mother's number on your phone the way you can call when you want to but she can't. It sounds drastic but sometimes it is the only way to deal with a parent like this. Why should you be waiting for the next time she flips out? Do they expect you to step in and sort things out? Next time she flips out don't do it. Don't respond to her attention seeking. You might need to get counselling to help you deal with your family situation. A dysfunctional family background can also contribute to bad choices in partners - you are used to emotional abuse in the family so you don't see the red flags in relationships.

I think your family situation has a lot to do with how you feel at the moment, more than you think. I have a feeling that sitting down and talking to your mother will achieve nothing except her pointing out the faults she imagines that you have.

If you see your parents less you will have more time for yourself at weekends. Use that time to get new hobbies and make new friends. There are Meetup groups, walking groups, bootcamp groups. You need to get out there and meet new positive people. Focus on making new friends and broadening your horizons and forget new relationships for now. Bootcamp groups are a great way to get fit, lose weight if you need to and make friends. Some have weekends away, surf trips and ski trips.

However you really need to make the break away from your family. If you think you have it tough now imagine what it would be like if in 20 years time you were still single on account of responding to your mother every time she flips out. That would scare most men away. On top of that imagine trying to manage a full-time job and being a part-time carer for your mother and possibly your father. That is what lies ahead of you if you don't make the break now. You don't need to go to counselling every week. You can help yourself by reading books. To start with I recommend "Will I ever be good enough: healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers" by Karyl McBride.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436