How to look forward not back

LegacyUser

I'm 42 year old family man. Things going well enough. Have a good relationship with my wife. More built on the kids than an intense bond. I would be considered to be quite successful in my professional life. From the outside people would probably think I am lucky.

My problem is I'm thinking a lot about a serious relationship that ended 15 years ago that didn't work out. I suppose you could say that I never got closure. We took a break and we were friends then she killed it dead. I took that bad at the time (for a year or two). I never ran into this person from that day and that helped me move beyond it. However she now works in a building near me which means I see her about once a month. I probably think about her a couple of times a week. It's mad saying this but if she asked me to leave my wife I would consider it! She is happy married now so that will not happen. She is not even the same person, I just say it to show you my mental state.

Any ideas how move on?!?

Ursus Horribilis

Sounds like you "settled" when you got with your wife. Is there anything you can do to improve your marriage? Do you love your wife?

TheBoyConor

Have you spoken to this woman any time you have seen her in recent times? If so what has been the outcome?

And as the other poster says, do you love your wife? If the love is gone and then it's not fair on either of ye to be together in a loveless marriage and despite the initial pain, you would both be better off breaking up.

ahnow

Sounds like a grass is always greener situation. I think your closure would be that she cut the relationship dead. It sounds like you’ve built up some sort of fantasy about it now, leaving the stresses and humdrum of daily life looking after kids and everything that comes with that. I think it would be incredibly selfish and foolish to leave your wife over a fantasy. You’ve built a life with her, you’ve both brought children into the world, maybe start putting an active effort into your marriage and bringing some sort of excitement and connection to it rather than fantasising about upping and leaving. Think about what you would want from her to improve your marriage and ask her the same thing, and make some plans together.

Ursus Horribilis

I'd consider ending the marriage to be the absolute last resort. If there is anything at all you can do to save it, do. Be it counselling, making an effort to spend more time with just your wife, reconnecting with her etc. There must be some reason why you married your wife.

I think your current predicament has little to do with the lack of closure from the previous relationship. It has turned a mirror on your marriage and what appears to be lacking in it. You're not comparing like with like here. When you were with your ex you were both in your mid-20s. Both of you would've been very different people then, living more carefree lives than you do now. Even in the very unlikely event that you were to reconnect, things would never be the same. You'd have exes to deal with, the expense of separating, children who will be traumatised/angry/upset. Your bank balance will never be the same again and you don't need me to tell you how much rent costs now. You can never go back to what you were like at 25 or 26. The only part of your life you can influence now is the present and future.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Do you love your wife?

I respect her but if I'm honest I don't think I love her. My wife seems happy with our marriage. I bring some things up, like lack of affection, and she doesn't really engage in the conversation.

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Have you spoken to this woman any time you have seen her in recent times? If so what has been the outcome?

I have spoken to her a couple of times. Nothing has come of it. She actually invited me to some professional events (we work in same field) which was weird. I couldn't go but if I am honest I was excited at the prospect.

ahnow wrote: »

Sounds like a grass is always greener situation. I think your closure would be that she cut the relationship dead. It sounds like you’ve built up some sort of fantasy about it now, leaving the stresses and humdrum of daily life looking after kids and everything that comes with that. I think it would be incredibly selfish and foolish to leave your wife over a fantasy. You’ve built a life with her, you’ve both brought children into the world, maybe start putting an active effort into your marriage and bringing some sort of excitement and connection to it rather than fantasising about upping and leaving. Think about what you would want from her to improve your marriage and ask her the same thing, and make some plans together.

I couldn't argue with anything you say here. It is the way I am thinking but it doesn't stop this person invading my dreams

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You're not comparing like with like here. When you were with your ex you were both in your mid-20s. Both of you would've been very different people then, living more carefree lives than you do now. Even in the very unlikely event that you were to reconnect, things would never be the same. You'd have exes to deal with, the expense of separating, children who will be traumatised/angry/upset. You can never go back to what you were like at 25 or 26. The only part of your life you can influence now is the present and future.

Exactly. I am comparing a married woman with a girl from my mid twenties. Completely unfair. When I spoke to this person recently she had changed a lot (in character). Weirdly she didn't even sound the same as I remembered?!

orthsquel

Did she only recently move to the building near you?

It sounds to me that you are being confronted by the past and need to work through it - if you've only seen her recently for the first time in years, it can jolt you back in time and thoughts can ruminate on what was then; to be honest it must be a shock for you. Are you thinking about her recently seen you have seen her (I'm assuming she only recently came to the building near you), or have you been thinking about her over the years?

Perhaps you are wondering what could have been but honestly you're probably just - to borrow a phase - moping after an illusion, because neither of ye are probably like what you were 15 years ago and have probably changed over the years.