Housemate wants to move her girlfriend in

Gwen Cooper

There's four of us (two men and two women) living in a 5 bedroom house.

The fifth bedroom is tiny, we use it as a laundry room or an occasional guest room.

Yesterday my housemate told me that she is now in a platonic relationship with a girl who currently lives in Germany and if I would mind if she moved in and shared the bedroom with my housemate.

While I have absolutely no issue with one of the housemates moving their partner in, I do have a few concerns here and I'm not sure how to address them with the housemate.

They met online about 2 years ago, maybe less. Since then they met in person twice or three times for two days when they both attended the same event in the UK. Apart from that their communication is led entirely over the internet (Facebook/Skype).

They met through some role-playing game where each one of them created a male online persona living in the world of one popular TV show and these two virtual men are now in a relationship.

My housemate is a very introverted girl in her early twenties, she's lovely and would do anything for you, but at the same time she's extremely naive and I feel some sort of responsibility for her because it was me who convinced her to come to Ireland and I promised her that I'll help her if she has any issues.

I'm worried that she doesn't realise what moving this girl in would mean. Her bedroom is quite small, just enough for one person, with the double bed taking up most space. If this girl moves in, she will lose her own space, she will lose her privacy and have nowhere to go when she needs to 'turn off'.

I'm also worried that they might not get along in real life and it would make the atmosphere awkward in the house.

My biggest concern though is that she's getting the idea what the relationship will look like from the role-playing game. As far as I'm aware she's never been in a relationship before and this is all she knows. But it's just a fantasy created online, sort of an escape from the real world. She spends all her free time tied to the computer in her bedroom doing this. We didn't comment on it as it's really none of our business, but I'm really worried that she doesn't realise that there is a big difference between a made-up world in a game and a real life relationship.

I don't even know if I am looking for an advice here, I just wanted to get it out of my chest, so thanks for reading if you made it through

But while you're here - do you think that my concerns are legit? I tend to overthink stuff, so just wondering if this is one of those cases and I should calm down. Thanks!

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Gwen Cooper

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They're both aromantic asexuals. They don't experience sexual desire or arousal. It's a relationship that doesn't involve any of that romantic nonsense we all like so much

Tiddlypeeps

It's noble that you want to help her out but in all probability she is going to make her own mistakes regardless. If the house refuses to let her move her girlfriend in then she will likely just find somewhere else where they can move in together. Your concerns are valid, the situation rings many alarm bells, but realistically there probably isn't much you can do to impact the situation for her.

The main thing you need to decide is if you want this person moving into your home, including putting up with any uncomfortable situations that might arise because of it. You and your housemates wouldn't be at all unreasonable if you said no because living with a couple almost always sucks.

Idle Passerby

I think your concerns about your housemates personal life and personal space are none of your business so I wouldn't bring that up.

You are however entitled to have misgivings about an extra person being moved into a house that's already quite full by the sounds of it. How do the rest of the housemates feel about going from a 4 to 5 person houseshare?

Hitman3000

What does the lease say about occupancy, are you all happy for another tenant and the increased bills and erosion of space?

Teyla Emmagan

Honestly there is nothing you can do here. She is not your sister or your best friend, I think you will have to stay out of it.

That said I wouldn't fancy her moving her GF in either. It's going to put lots of pressure on the existing situation. The housemate is now unlikely to spend her life in her room so you will basically have 2 extra bodies in the house.

Gwen Cooper

It's noble that you want to help her out but in all probability she is going to make her own mistakes regardless. If the house refuses to let her move her girlfriend in then she will likely just find somewhere else where they can move in together. Your concerns are valid, the situation rings many alarm bells, but realistically there probably isn't much you can do to impact the situation for her.

I think your concerns about your housemates personal life and personal space are none of your business so I wouldn't bring that up.

She was asking for my opinion yesterday and wanted to know if it's a good idea, but then I had to leave and we will have to finish the conversation when we're both at home. I feel obliged to share my concerns because as I said, she is extremely naive and doesn't think things through, so I want to be sure that she can consider all pros and cons before she make a final decision.

What does the lease say about occupancy, are you all happy for another tenant and the increased bills and erosion of space?

Lease-wise we're ok and we can have an extra person in. We would still have to work out how it would work with the rent. They didn't yet agree that they're going to move in together, so far she's just trying to find out if it would be an option and asking us is the first step.

There used to be 5 of us and it was ok. We are all quiet and like to stay in our rooms behind closed doors so even when the house is full, you wouldn't know.

Hitman3000

Gwen Cooper wrote:

There used to be 5 of us and it was ok. We are all quiet and like to stay in our rooms behind closed doors so even when the house is full, you wouldn't know.

5 people ,5 rooms can work. 5 people one of which is a couple totally different dynamic.

Gwen Cooper

Hitman3000 wrote: »

5 people ,5 rooms can work. 5 people one of which is a couple totally different dynamic.

Yeah, I never lived with a couple, so can't really imagine how it works. I would probably lose my Netflix evenings by myself in the sitting room.

Hitman3000

Gwen Cooper wrote:

Yeah, I never lived with a couple, so can't really imagine how it works. I would probably lose my Netflix evenings by myself in the sitting room.

I have once and during the rest of my time renting I avoided it like the plague. Just my experience.

Gwen Cooper

Hitman3000 wrote: »

I have once and during the rest of my time renting I avoided it like the plague. Just my experience.

So, and please pardon my stupid questions that might have painfully obvious answers, what do you think would be the problem when living with a couple, what would be different?

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Gwen Cooper

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Cheers.

I'm was going to suggest to invite the German girl over for maybe two or three weeks to see what it would be like living together in that room and how it would affect all of us living in the house.

Hitman3000

Gwen Cooper wrote:

So, and please pardon my stupid questions that might have painfully obvious answers, what do you think would be the problem when living with a couple, what would be different?

I found depending on the mood between the couple it could create an atmosphere and to be honest made it uncomfortable to be in the house. I found in a house share a couple could create a bad vibe. That's my experience others may differ. Although a lot of house share rentals will not rent to couples .

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Gwen Cooper

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She doesn't, but we live in Cork city. There are at least three call centers here that are constantly hiring, and we both started there when we came to Ireland looking for a job.

Plus Apple. They always seem to be looking for German speakers. We live just around the corner.

Gwen Cooper

Hitman3000 wrote: »

I found depending on the mood between the couple it could create an atmosphere and to be honest made it uncomfortable to be in the house. I found in a house share a couple could create a bad vibe. That's my experience others may differ. Although a lot of house share rentals will not rent to couples .

Yeah I was just reading some threads here about living with couples and most of the people are not happy because the couple acts like it's their house, people are afraid going to to sitting room just in case the couple is all cuddled up on the couch, and generally feel like the third wheel.

I think that we will need to call in a house meeting and talk about it together, not just her asking each one of us separately.

Fun fun fun.

Thanks for the response

Dial Hard

Gwen Cooper wrote:

I'm was going to suggest to invite the German girl over for maybe two or three weeks to see what it would be like living together in that room and how it would affect all of us living in the house.

I'd be very wary of this. She may well just not go home.

ahnow

Maybe when you talk to her suggest the German girl get another houseshare. It’ll be a lot of pressure on the girl to have someone living in her space that she hardly knows.
It’ll give the German girl an opportunity to know other people outside of this one girl, to branch out and make friends, and put less pressure on the two of them.
Complete madness her moving in, the only way it might affect you directly is if it all goes tits-up and there’s an atmosphere and drama in the house. That girl seems very young and naive!

pc7

Have a search in the accommodation and property forum. There are multiple threads on issues of living with couples. It comes up regularly there, never seems to work well. I’d say no if they are a couple, but if she’s taking the 5th small room as friends maybe yes.

Oink

Oh God this is a recipe for disaster.

As a friend you need to make sure she is aware of the clusterf—- that she’s heading for. Without telling her how to live her life.

As a flat mate... No. Just... No. N-O no. 2 almost strangers living in one fishbowl, in your house. Hell no.

heretothere

I've been the couple in a house share and I've lived with a couple in a house share. I know I am bias towards myself, I thought we were grand, as in we didn't make the house 'our house', also everyone got on very well. If we wanted to be "couply" we'd go to our room and watch a move. Not stretch out across the couch. I did live with one couple though and if she was cooking dinner for them it was pretty much don't dare go into the kitchen to interrupt 'their time'. So I'd be very very wary of letting a girl who you have never meet move in.

I think the idea of her moving to Cork and getting her own house share is much better. That way they can get to know each other with a lot less pressure, and in 6 months decide if they would like their own little flat together.

Gwen Cooper

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I had a chat with the housemate this morning and she mentioned that they're looking to rent another place in Cork together (and if I'd like to move in with them).

Showed me the apartment they found online, very obvious scam, so will have to give her another lecture later this evening