Visiting my dad

Taxi181

This is going to be a long one, so I apologise in advance. My parents are separated and living apart for 20 years. They live in the same village. I saw more of my dad in the pub. We would speak when we saw each other but he never really came home to visit us when he left the house. We could have always visited him at his place but I grew out of that because he was hardly at home and be out working or in the pub.

I have moved three hours away but I'm still in the same country and Ireland isn't huge. I've been living here for about three years. When I first left I would visit home, home being the house I grew up in and where my mother is. And I would often see my dad around the village.

But something happened at home and I never go home and I don't see my dad. My whole family turned on me.

When I lived at home and my last Christmas at home, my sister came home in a foul mood one evening and was off with me for days. She wouldn't tell me what was up. She removed me from facebook while telling me she didn't have an issue with me. A few days later I receive a nasty threatening message accusing me of something I didn't do. She refused to apologise. Two months after this, I went to her to say that this was a stupid rift between us and she dismissed me, raising her voice, telling me she was TIRED. She wasn't discussing it. I lost it with her a few weeks after that and verbally abused her which I kept up but she was also prank calling me at the same which went on for a full year. All this was about four years ago. She has never made a genuine apology to me for being nasty towards me and she uses my reaction to what she did against me.

Not long after I moved out of home, three years ago I went home to see that my mother created a new picture display in the house. She had about four or five pictures, a picture of my older brother, another picture of my other older brother and another picture with my younger brother. All three pictures, they were holding my brother's new baby. There was another picture of my brother, his partner and new baby. She had everything she wanted in her pictures. Two brothers are in Australia, I understand not see them but she had a picture of my brother who lives at home. I gave my mother a picture to include and she didn't. I took it up with her and she told me not to be so childish and she said it was about the baby. I was dismissed and it wasn't up for discussion. She can have all the pictures of the grandchild, but why include my brothers including the brother that lived at home, also my brother's partner was included. Why was it so difficult to include her own daughter? My sister puts up with it, so it looks as if I'm in the wrong. It was very hurtful to see and I walked out of the house.

My grandmother died a year later at Christmas time, and leaving her funeral it was made out that I would be welcome at home at Christmas. I thought things might have changed. Until Christmas Eve I was told she wasn't doing Christmas, the heating in the house was broken and not to bother coming home for Christmas. I later found out, they did do Christmas.

I sent my mother a letter last year, just to have everything down in the letter. It went ignored.

My younger brother at home just stopped talking to me. I did nothing on him. He has sent me a few nasty messages when I tried to get in touch and he said I wasn't part of the family and I'm not welcome at home. He even told me to go kill myself.

I have been getting counseling to deal with these issues for over a year and it's been hard.
So I never go home. But because of this, I don't see my dad. He has never done anything on me. And I would like to see him. But not sure if I should. I could visit him, it's three hours on a bus and he might not be at home and could be in the pub. He also doesn't have any space in his small place, it takes so long to get home it tires me, and I don't have a place to stay over.

My dad's health has deteriorated, I found out that he was in the hospital last year through something my sister posted online. Not one person would tell me he was in the hospital. This was last year. I eventually got to see him and I asked him to keep me informed. I don't want things being passed on at home when it's not being passed onto me. He never kept me informed, when he got out of the hospital. That was 10 months ago. I recently found out that he's been trying to ring me but I never got any calls from him or missed call notifications. With my family still being in the middle, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to check my number with them and they gave him a wrong number.

So do I try and see him. I could stay over in a hotel if I was to do the trip. But it could be all for nothing as well.

RhubarbCrumble

Taxi181 wrote: »

Not long after I moved out of home, three years ago I went home to see that my mother created a new picture display in the house. She had about four or five pictures, a picture of my older brother, another picture of my other older brother and another picture with my younger brother. All three pictures, they were holding my brother's new baby. There was another picture of my brother, his partner and new baby. She had everything she wanted in her pictures. Two brothers are in Australia, I understand not see them but she had a picture of my brother who lives at home. I gave my mother a picture to include and she didn't. I took it up with her and she told me not to be so childish and she said it was about the baby. I was dismissed and it wasn't up for discussion. She can have all the pictures of the grandchild, but why include my brothers including the brother that lived at home, also my brother's partner was included. Why was it so difficult to include her own daughter? My sister puts up with it, so it looks as if I'm in the wrong. It was very hurtful to see and I walked out of the house.

OP, this bit sound very familiar. Have you posted this before?

Taxi181

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

OP, this bit sound very familiar. Have you posted this before?

Probably about the issues at home. But I'm just giving a background to why I cannot go home and I have nowhere to stay when I do.

Taxi181

Also it's very tiring traveling to and from in the one day, especially using buses. Just want to see my dad who never really done anything on me.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

Taxi181

Patww79 wrote: »

I don't get this tiring thing unless you have some physical condition. Everyone gets tired from time to time so, with the greatest respect, go and see him and travel back and you can sleep when you get home. Are you sure you actually do want to go?

I get very bad migraines and long journeys doesn't help.

ahnow

Can you stay on his couch? Or a blow up bed on the floor?

Taxi181 wrote: »

Probably about the issues at home. But I'm just giving a background to why I cannot go home and I have nowhere to stay when I do.

Taxi181

ahnow wrote: »

Can you stay on his couch? Or a blow up bed on the floor?

Maybe, not without telling him that I'm not welcome at home. He doesn't know what happened and I don't know if I should tell him or how to tell him.

ahnow

Taxi181 wrote: »

Maybe, not without telling him that I'm not welcome at home. He doesn't know what happened and I don't know if I should tell him or how to tell him.

Maybe consider telling him because it’s affecting your relationship with him, as in your family arent passing on messages about him to you and vice versa, so you need to take some control of that if you think it might help the situation. At least then if he ends up sick again you have a direct line of communication through him and not a broken one through your family.

Taxi181

ahnow wrote: »

Maybe consider telling him because it’s affecting your relationship with him, as in your family arent passing on messages about him to you and vice versa, so you need to take some control of that if you think it might help the situation. At least then if he ends up sick again you have a direct line of communication through him and not a broken one through your family.

How do I tell him? What do I say? It's not easy when you have your whole family turn on you and they make you out to be the problem. Was I wrong in what I felt?

ahnow

I dont think you’re wrong at all to feel what you’re feeling. You’re in an indescribably awful situation, and I really feel for you. I think I remember reading what you posted about your mother before, and it sounds like she has a narcissist golden child/scapegoat situation running. Are you seeing a counsellor at the moment? I think these are questions you should bring to a counsellor, someone who knows the nuances of the situation and can help you flesh out how you feel about it all and any possible outcomes to if you told your dad or not, and any reactions he might have so that you’re equipped to deal with them if you have to. I’m not in a position to give you proper advice about it because you know what’s best in your situation.

Taxi181 wrote: »

How do I tell him? What do I say? It's not easy when you have your whole family turn on you and they make you out to be the problem. Was I wrong in what I felt?

Taxi181

ahnow wrote: »

I dont think you’re wrong at all to feel what you’re feeling. You’re in an indescribably awful situation, and I really feel for you. I think I remember reading what you posted about your mother before, and it sounds like she has a narcissist golden child/scapegoat situation running. Are you seeing a counsellor at the moment? I think these are questions you should bring to a counsellor, someone who knows the nuances of the situation and can help you flesh out how you feel about it all and any possible outcomes to if you told your dad or not, and any reactions he might have so that you’re equipped to deal with them if you have to. I’m not in a position to give you proper advice about it because you know what’s best in your situation.

I am seeing a counselor and this is probably something I should be working on with them. It isn't easy, there seems to be new issues even when they're not involved, as in my dad's response to telling him.

Taxi181

Ah now, thanks for your responses. I have a few days off soon, so I might make a nice trip out of it and do some other things as well. Whether I tell him or not is another thing but it's something to work on in counseling.

Ursus Horribilis

Taxi181 wrote: »

I get very bad migraines and long journeys doesn't help.

Yet you'd been travelling "home" before the family rift.

Do you not have any way at all of getting in contact with your father? Has he no brothers, sisters, nieces or nephews who you could ask to help? Do you have his postal address so you could drop him a note?

Taxi181

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Yet you'd been travelling "home" before the family rift.

Do you not have any way at all of getting in contact with your father? Has he no brothers, sisters, nieces or nephews who you could ask to help? Do you have his postal address so you could drop him a note?

Yes, I would be traveling home before the rift but I wouldn't go up and down in the one day.

Not sure about asking his brothers and sister, it means telling them everything if I ask for help. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. He can't read so I can't write him a letter. He does live close enough to a nice city. So I could visit and stay over in a hotel or something. I might just have to do that.

Paddy Cow

Taxi181 wrote: »

Yes, I would be traveling home before the rift but I wouldn't go up and down in the one day.

Not sure about asking his brothers and sister, it means telling them everything if I ask for help. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. He can't read so I can't write him a letter. He does live close enough to a nice city. So I could visit and stay over in a hotel or something. I might just have to do that.

No it doesn't. Your parents have been separated for 20 years. If you contact your Dad's side of the family you only have to talk about that side. They don't need to know if you get on with your mother's side. This is about your Dad. If you want contact with him, contact either him or his family.

Your Dad's family have no ties or loyalty to your mother apart from you. YOU are their family, she is not. If you don't have a number for your Dad then it's perfectly acceptable for you to ring one of your Dad's relatives and say "hey I lost Dad's number and want to get in contact with him, do you have it?". You don't need to go into the drama that is happening on your mother's side.

Taxi181

Paddy Cow wrote: »

No it doesn't. Your parents have been separated for 20 years. If you contact your Dad's side of the family you only have to talk about that side. They don't need to know if you get on with your mother's side. This is about your Dad. If you want contact with him, contact either him or his family.

Your Dad's family have no ties or loyalty to your mother apart from you. YOU are their family, she is not. If you don't have a number for your Dad then it's perfectly acceptable for you to ring one of your Dad's relatives and say "hey I lost Dad's number and want to get in contact with him, do you have it?". You don't need to go into the drama that is happening on your mother's side.

That is all true. Wouldn't people be thinking, what's up that I can't ask my own family. I guess I'll answer if I'm asked.

strandroad

Why can't you phone your father regularly to keep in touch and learn if it's convenient for you to visit on a particular day? I find it very hard to believe that on top of everything else you don't have your own father's number?

It has nothing to do with the other side of your family, I'm not sure why you're even bringing them up. It's just you and your father and a phone connection.

Ursus Horribilis

strandroad wrote: »

Why can't you phone your father regularly to keep in touch and learn if it's convenient for you to visit on a particular day? I find it very hard to believe that on top of everything else you don't have your own father's number?

Or that nobody on your father's side of the family has your number. Why would he be asking your mother's side for it? Are you seriously trying to tell us that you are not in contact with any of your aunts, uncles or cousins on that side of the family?

Taxi181

strandroad wrote: »

Why can't you phone your father regularly to keep in touch and learn if it's convenient for you to visit on a particular day? I find it very hard to believe that on top of everything else you don't have your own father's number?

It has nothing to do with the other side of your family, I'm not sure why you're even bringing them up. It's just you and your father and a phone connection.

I was just saying what happened with the family so people would understand that I have nowhere to stay after traveling 3 hours in the one day, so I'm finding it hard to see him as well. I did ask him to keep me informed when he was in the hospital last year and he never did and I never bothered either. He did have my number because he rang me last June, so that's one phone call in a year from him. It seems as if he's not bothered with me. Finding out he's been trying to ring me but can't. Not sure what's up there because I have never missed a call from him nor have I received a missed call notification from him. Guess it wouldn't surprise me if my family at home had anything to do with it by giving him a wrong number or something.

Taxi181

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Or that nobody on your father's side of the family has your number. Why would he be asking your mother's side for it? Are you seriously trying to tell us that you are not in contact with any of your aunts, uncles or cousins on that side of the family?

He's not asking my mother's side. He's asking my family, my mother, sister and brother. Of course this is speculation on my part but things always went through them at home.

Paddy Cow

Taxi181 wrote: »

That is all true. Wouldn't people be thinking, what's up that I can't ask my own family. I guess I'll answer if I'm asked.

You are asking your own family. Your Dad is sick so you are asking that side of the family. You are overthinking this. Your Mum and Dad split up 20 years ago. I guarantee that your Dad's side of the family are more aware than you think. They are not going to judge you for getting in contact with them and probably will be delighted.

Unless your Dad's side of the family have treated you as bad as your mother has, then this is all in your head. I'm not saying that to be mean. The way your mother has treated you has made you insecure and to a certain degree, paranoid. The unfortunate fallout of being the child of a narcissistic mother is that you are anxious, insecure and full of self doubt.

You don't have a relationship with your mother's side of the family. Your Dad is sick and you want to contact him. You can't rely on your siblings so either you contact your Dad directly or contact his side of the family. I feel for you op, I really do. Feeling rejected by close family is soul destroying. If there is any chance you can reach out to your Dad's side then you should go for it. If any of them do ask you why you didn't contact your own family, all you have to say is "we're having some issues of our own but as this concerns Dad, I'd rather focus on that".

dudara

OP is banned for being a serial re-regger and major timesink on this site.

Closing this thread.