Too late to come out

LegacyUser

I’m a 33 year old man and I’ve known I’ve been gay for many years but couldn’t accept the fact. I’ve eventually come to terms with it but now I’m too afraid to come out. There are a few reasons for this.

Firstly I went out with a girl for a few years and I now feel terrible about how I treated her. I effectively used her as a cover to hide the fact that I’m gay. I know she loved me and I hurt her badly. I will always regret this.

Secondly I’ve told so many lies over the years trying to hide my sexuality. I know why I told them but I feel bad about it.

Thirdly I’m worried about my family and in particular my mum. We’re really close and I don’t want to hurt her.

Fourthly I’ve pushed people away and treated family and friends badly as I’ve been so miserable.

I know I’m being a coward not facing up to it but then again I don’t know if I can live like this anymore. I feel like I’ve wasted the best years of my life. I’d appreciate any advice anyone could give or from anyone who was in a similar situation.

Sameasyou

Best advice I can give is to get a bit of counselling. You need to get your head around those issues.
You’re never too old to start living. So I wouldn’t put it off any more.
If you get counselling and feel you are ready, you might have a close friend or family member you could come out to?
Take it from there.

nkav86

You're definitely not too old, I don't think you can be too old to live your life in the best way that can make you happy. I will echo the need to talk to someone, it seems you've a lot of guilt and anxiety going on from what you've said and no matter if you're ready to come out or not, for your own piece of mind it might be best to try work through it.

cgcsb

At 33 no, you're not too old. You wouldn't be too old if you were 93 either.

lottpaul

Coming out is a big step to make and it's ultimately up to you, but like a lot of things in life the thought of it is often actually worse than the reality. Yes, it wouldn't be easy but I think you shouldn't make assumptions about how people will react. Most parents - and I'm a lot closer to your mothers age than yours - are just concerned about their childrens happiness and well being. If your mother has worries it may be more about other peoples reactions - but neither you nor she has any control over that.
You only get one life to live - this isn't a trial run - you won't ever be 33 again, but you have many, many of the best years of your life ahead of you, and you owe it to yourself to live that life as fully as you can.
What's past is past, and you can't change it. You may have some explaining to do, but that's it. Wipe the slate clean, take a deep breath and look to the future.
Talking to someone, professionally or otherwise, may help a lot.
Coming out, to a few close family or friends, is only a first step, but a good one.

Heebie

Postingasguest wrote:

Firstly I went out with a girl for a few years and I now feel terrible about how I treated her. I effectively used her as a cover to hide the fact that I’m gay. I know she loved me and I hurt her badly. I will always regret this.

This is not uncommon. It happens enough that there is a term for it.
She was your "beard."

Certainly nothing to be particularly proud of. 2 out of 3 of the girls who were my "beards" back in my school days understood and accepted my apology. The third didn't seem to understand. I'm not sure she even remembered we dated.

Postingasguest wrote:

Thirdly I’m worried about my family and in particular my mum. We’re really close and I don’t want to hurt her.

Which hurts her more:
1> continuing to lie to her until she dies, and denying hey the chance to get to know the "real" you.
2> telling her the truth, apologizing for lying to protect yourself, and giving her the opportunity to rise to the challenge of being the mother of a gay guy.
She probably already suspects or even knows.

If you do come out, I hope everyone takes it well, or at least comes to grips with it quickly.

It's your choice. Just keep in mind that right now you're choosing to keep something that should be everyone else's problem (accepting you as you really are) as YOUR problem instead.

Good luck with whatever decision you make!

Rick_

33 is nothing. I'm 33 and don't have much gay "experience" so I don't feel like my chances are over and I should resign myself to having to live a particular way. You can come out at any age, who and how you tell is up to you. Is there any particular thing that is scaring you about it? Have people you want to come out to given you the impression that they wouldn't be happy about it? Do they know any gay people that you think may or may not be influencing their impressions of LGBT people? There's plenty of us here for support and advice so please stick around, you're always welcome here.

_Godot_

I'm 35 and coming out to people only this year! You have many more years to live.

If it helps, as a heterosexual, I don’t really see being in the closet as lying. Coming out can be really hard for some people and you may be surprised at how accepting people can be, especially family. Your ex-girlfriend may even find some closure in realising you are gay and I agree with the other poster who said there’s a chance your Mum may already have her suspicions.

I have two close gay friends who lived miserably for years hiding their sexuality from everyone (but me) and since they’ve come out, they’ve never been happier.

ZeroCool17

I'm 34 and starting seeing a woman for the first time last year, I was 33 at the time and never had told anyone i was gay. I felt exactly like you did. That i was wasting my life away, especially all my 20's. I finally started accepting myself in my 30's. I was scared, she was scared. We never told anyone and we both came out this June. Best decision of our lives. We have been accepted by everyone but you have to expect not everyone will be okay straight away. My mother was a bit odd at the start but once she got used to the idea she was fine. At the end of the day you have to live your life how you want to live it. That's all you can really do. It was a really positive experience for us and i hope when you come out it is the same for you.

I hope you do decide to come out. It was the most freeing experience of my life, i wish you nothing but the best and hope you are doing okay now.