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Marriage over

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  • 21-06-2018 8:47pm
    #1
    Baby01032012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,622 ✭✭✭


    Hi,

    I don’t know what to say or what advice I need. I’m still in shock. My wife says that our marriage is over and there is no point in trying to save it.

    We’re together 10 years married 7 with 2 young kids. I can’t imagine life without her or my kids. She doesn’t want to try getting help. She doesn’t love me anymore.

    Maybe I should have seen it coming. Life has been difficult between work stresses and kids we ended up sleeping in separate beds to help kids sleep better. There’s a lot more to it. I’d been viewing stuff online and my wife discovered it. I don’t want to go into what it was. However it had been going on for longer than we were together. I’m currently seeing a psychologist to help me with that. Maybe I should have seen it coming but I was hoping with the therapy I could change and my wife could see that.
    I don’t know what to say or do now or to go on.


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    #2
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    All you can do is keep working on those issues you need to sort out for yourself and try to get something arranged with herself regarding the kids.


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    #3
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Looking at stuff online could be anything from porn to child abuse images, it's great that you are getting help for your issues but it could be there is no way back for your wife and splitting might be the right thing to do long term. I would speak to a solicitor and keep going to your psychologist.


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    #4
    Baby01032012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,622 ✭✭✭Baby01032012


    What kind of response is that? I’m the one that will have to move out.


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    #5
    Seth Brundle
    Moderators, Politics Moderators Posts: 38,940 Mod ✭✭✭✭Seth Brundle


    Baby01032012 wrote: »
    What kind of response is that? I’m the one that will have to move out.
    Why?


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Why is it assumed the husband will move out?


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    #7
    wirelessdude01
    Registered Users Posts: 8,418 ✭✭✭wirelessdude01


    Why should the man always have to move out? She is the one breaking the family unit so let her move out and the kids can stay with you.


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    #8
    Seth Brundle
    Moderators, Politics Moderators Posts: 38,940 Mod ✭✭✭✭Seth Brundle


    wirelessdude01 wrote: »
    Why should the man always have to move out? She is the one breaking the family unit so let her move out and the kids can stay with you.
    In fairness, the OP hasn't clarified why he should move out and as previously mentioned the stuff looked at online could have been illegal.
    The OP may not want to share this info but it's doubtful that he'd be thrown out for some regular porn.


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    #9
    jimmycrackcorm
    Registered Users Posts: 14,329 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    Baby01032012 wrote:
    What kind of response is that? I’m the one that will have to move out.


    If you have a mortgage then you don't have to move out as you both have rights to the home.

    You are going to lose out on your kids if you do and they matter the most. It might also help make her rethink giving up without making an attempt to fix things.

    It's difficult to give any advice without knowing specifics that might throw that out of the field. Marriage means making difficult attempts to fix things that would be compete deal breakers in a non legal relationship. There's a moral obligation on both parties to make an attempt. You say you're getting counselling to fix what you view is the issue so why is your OH giving up so easily?


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    #10
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    jimmycrackcorm wrote: »
    If you have a mortgage then you don't have to move out as you both have rights to the home.

    You are going to lose out on your kids if you do and they matter the most. It might also help make her rethink giving up without making an attempt to fix things.

    It's difficult to give any advice without knowing specifics that might throw that out of the field. Marriage means making difficult attempts to fix things that would be compete deal breakers in a non legal relationship. There's a moral obligation on both parties to make an attempt. You say you're getting counselling to fix what you view is the issue so why is your OH giving up so easily?

    I think it's impossible to judge her without knowing what kind of stuff the OP has been looking at and to what extent.


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    #11
    Gorgeousgeorge
    Registered Users Posts: 1,026 ✭✭✭Gorgeousgeorge


    Yeah fook that why should you move out.


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    #12
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Gorgeousgeorge wrote: »
    Yeah fook that why should you move out.


    Adults tend to put the children first. So when a couple are splitting the emphasis is on minimising the horrible atmosphere in the children's home for them.

    If she is asking him to move out as in interim measure prior to sitting down and discussing in mediation a fair split that's for the children's benefit.


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    #13
    Bigbagofcans
    Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭Bigbagofcans


    Your wife is right to break up with you by the sounds of it. It sounds like you've been looking at illegal images is just wrong and something not many people will forgive.


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    #14
    heretothere
    Registered Users Posts: 616 ✭✭✭heretothere


    Your post is very vague. I hardly think it's pictures of panda's you're looking at online that she's leaving you over.


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    #15
    Mikenesson
    Closed Accounts Posts: 318 ✭✭Mikenesson


    Move out

    Let the kids stay in the family home with mom


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    #16
    sashafierce
    Registered Users Posts: 3,599 ✭✭✭sashafierce


    This post has been deleted.


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    #17
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,648 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    Who says it was illegal??????!!

    Some partners get really het up about their partners watching porn.

    Others don't care.
    Others watch it together.


    Ops has your therapist got any advice for You?


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    #18
    sashafierce
    Registered Users Posts: 3,599 ✭✭✭sashafierce


    This post has been deleted.


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    #19
    Gorgeousgeorge
    Registered Users Posts: 1,026 ✭✭✭Gorgeousgeorge


    Neyite wrote: »
    Adults tend to put the children first. So when a couple are splitting the emphasis is on minimising the horrible atmosphere in the children's home for them.

    If she is asking him to move out as in interim measure prior to sitting down and discussing in mediation a fair split that's for the children's benefit.

    Children need the father just as much as the mother!


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    #20
    Uncharted
    Registered Users Posts: 4,138 ✭✭✭Uncharted


    If it was plain 'ol vanilla porn,I'd say th OP would have said so.

    That's what threw me in the post.

    It kinda throws an element of suspicion into the mix and any answers you get won't be relevant due to that.

    In other words.......what were you caught at OP?


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    #21
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,648 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    sashafierce wrote: »
    If it was just porn it wouldn't be a secret and the OP would say it.

    If it was illegal he'd be talking to the police not a therapist.

    While I agree that there is nothing wrong with looking at porn. Some/a lot of partners would be shocked of they found out their husband was looking at it and it would be a deal breaker.

    There is nothing to indicate what the op was doing was illegal. He's entitled to some privacy/does not need to necessarily tell us EXACTLY what he was looking at online. It would be helpful alright if we had some idea though...

    Hey not illegal but maybe the op was looking at gay porn. Who know.

    What I'm saying Is, there is absolutely no indication it was illegal stuff (back to my original point about the gardai)


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    #22
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    It might not be illegal but it could be completely inappropriate and as he's been doing this since before he met his wife it's a long term thing. If she's just discovered this side to him she is understandably feeling deceived and it could be a deal breaker. But without knowing what he's viewing who can say.


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    #23
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,648 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    I don't think real adult life works like a prescribed set of rules like that.

    Op you will need to sit down and talk with your wife. If you would attend a counsellor together would be great.


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    #24
    mrcheez
    Registered Users Posts: 13,630 ✭✭✭✭mrcheez


    maybe the op has an unhealthy addiction to lolcat memes?


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    #25
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    @mrcheez - come on, serious Posts please

    dudara


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    #26
    makeandcreate
    Registered Users Posts: 451 ✭✭makeandcreate


    Without going into the legal/illegal internet viewing - people are all different. Only you really know if you think there's a chance of getting back together - some couples it's part of their validation to constantly split up and get back together (thank God says Jeremy Kyle), some threaten it but never do, some drag each other into torturous misery, a slim few get over it and become stronger. But in those cases it's usually years rather than months.
    Personally, when I told my ex it was over - it was over. I'm not given to histrionics and the like and once the decision was made it could not be unmade. Funny enough, 6 years on - he's now more like the man I wanted back then - I think me leaving actually made him re-evaluate some stuff and so someone else benefits from that. Familiarity does breed contempt - on both sides.
    All you can do is concentrate on yourself and your kids and keep that strong.


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