Guardianship and Formal Structure

VegetaIRL8e

Hi all,
Long term poster unreg'd. Mods Please feel free to move this is you think it right too as it may be classed as personal issue.

Following on from a previous post of mine Boards : Taking the Baby

My ex-partner having our baby almost 2 months ago, I find myself wondering if putting a formal structure on things would be a good idea, not only for protecting myself, but more importantly our baby. My ex was extremely difficult to talk to when things were ok between us, so obviously not being together + post natal hormones makes things a lil more sensitive. While up to now the visits have been informal yet strained, I haven't been stopped seeing our baby. I have now started to see some push back from her and trying to start arguments over days I can visit or when she is in a mood suddenly "we are busy". There has also been some choice words from her when I have asked to help or asked if I could take her for DR visits etc or when trying to be civil i can get aggressive responses. I find the unpredictable nature will result in bigger issues down the line including my access.

All I really want to do is spend quality time, preferably in my own environment, with our baby without the strain and unpredictability of my ex behavior impacting on it, either when with them or if given the chance on my own (with my own family)

Would people think it reasonable to initiate conversation and formal structure around guardianship and access. Ideally I would want both with rule of court rather than having to go to court, but I would think I will get push back on it all and I will be forced to initiate court for both guardianship and access. My thinking is at least our baby will then have time with mother and father not in a strained environment. I am meeting with my solicitor this week and will discuss, but I am always interested in other ppls opinions one way or another.

Evd-Burner

Try and avoid even the mention of court at the moment as it is best avoided if possible. I would suggest looking at something like mediation for the time being and try work with her as best as possible, once it goes down the court road things get messy fast and she will have a lot more power than you do around when you do and don't see the your child.

Another piece of advice is to pay her maintenance via bank transfers and note that if you go to court she can only get maintenance from the court date on wards and not backdated. But she can get a lump sum for birthing fees (note 100% sure on the name) to go towards buying the big items. So if you have given her money or bought things then i suggest filing away as evidence just in case.

If you are both agreeable she can provide you with guardianship without having to go to court. http://www.treoir.ie/information/guardianship-information/

VegetaIRL8e

Hey
Thanks for the advice.
Maintenance already started since birth and I have all the receipts for most of the nursery stuff that I bought. As well as bank transfers for other amounts. I did know about guardianship without court but the issue as I see it is that I dont think I'll even get that without a fight, so that's why I think court could be the only option.

I'll ask her "How do you see things going" after my appointment with solicitor and from there I can guage the mediation v court debate. I dont want to go to court. I'd love to be able to get guardianship and access without court....the issue im really facing is knowing thay the only way to get this structure in place is court...do I go down that path.

Evd-Burner

I know exactly what you mean as I've been in your shoes and I unfortunately had no other choice but to go to court. When you chat with her are you able to completely keep your cool no matter what she says or does?

If so then it wouldn't be any harm to have a frank discussion with her about it. Whatever you do don't use court as a threat as you'll put her back up against a wall where her fight response might kick in and once it does it becomes very hard to back down. Especially when solicitors get involved. Try come at it to her that it is a last resort but that you will put in an application only if you BOTH fail to come to an agreement. If you go to court do you intend to let the solicitor represent you or will you represent yourself? It gets very expensive very fast, think around 600-1000 the first time, more if it's dragged out, also be aware that it is likely you may need to go back a few times to get more time etc as the child gets older as the courts tend not to award a lot of time to the father with young babies.

One eyed Jack

Evd-Burner wrote: »

If so then it wouldn't be any harm to have a frank discussion with her about it. Whatever you do don't use court as a threat as you'll put her back up against a wall where her fight response might kick in and once it does it becomes very hard to back down. Especially when solicitors get involved. Try come at it to her that it is a last resort but that you will put in an application only if you BOTH fail to come to an agreement. If you go to court do you intend to let the solicitor represent you or will you represent yourself? It gets very expensive very fast, think around 600-1000 the first time, more if it's dragged out, also be aware that it is likely you may need to go back a few times to get more time etc as the child gets older as the courts tend not to award a lot of time to the father with young babies.

I'd agree pretty much with your advice Evd but the bit in bold there, it's kinda like you're saying don't threaten to go to Court, but make sure the OP's ex knows he's prepared to go to Court if the OP isn't satisfied with the outcome of mediation. I'd suggest myself that it's an inevitability that this will end up going to Court, and neither the OP nor his ex will be satisfied with the outcome.

I can understand your frustration OP but I think with things being as raw and new to both of you as they are at the moment, I think you need to give things some time to settle down a bit. I don't think adding to the pressure now is going to make the outcome any better for anyone in the long run tbh.

VegetaIRL8e

Hey guys.
Great advice all around.
My only issue I suppose with waiting is where do I draw the line in waiting. When my ex has been like this for much longer than just the pregnancy it doesn't feel any different from "norm"

I do agree though try to avoid court at all costs.
Yeah I can have a frank chat with her wothout getting riled up, but she does try and push the buttons. I just don't see her giving any leeway in being reasonable and it's sad for the child tbh. Never know I could be surprised.

Thanks again guys

Evd-Burner

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I'd agree pretty much with your advice Evd but the bit in bold there, it's kinda like you're saying don't threaten to go to Court, but make sure the OP's ex knows he's prepared to go to Court if the OP isn't satisfied with the outcome of mediation. I'd suggest myself that it's an inevitability that this will end up going to Court, and neither the OP nor his ex will be satisfied with the outcome.

From experiences of others I know in similar situations it's a 50/50 on whether or not it goes to court and in all cases it has worked out better in the long run when it hasn't gone to court.

Dravokivich

The Family Courts, can also provide mediation services. I know Dolphin Hse does.

But to be honest, mediation is just like someone running a debate, they are keeping the discussion on topic and can advise on particular items. They don't take side, nor do they have the answers. In saying that, if she's up for talking it out to put a formal thing in place. The mediator can submit the outcome to the courts, to have it signed off as a court order.

The potential of going to court is only a "threat" when there is a party unwilling to engage.

If there is no Court Order in place, your position as the father is dramatically reduced. And any "access arrangement" is no more binding than bog roll.

VegetaIRL8e

Well just a little update i suppose.
Over the week I asked if me coming on set days would help allowing them to plan the rest of their week.
It all kicked off towards me then and it didn't go well and received some choice comments.

Evd-Burner

lol, if it's kicking off over something as simple as set days then it'll likely just get worse when it comes to the real parenting conversations and decisions.

Your probably not going to be able to avoid court for much longer.

VegetaIRL8e

Evd-Burner wrote: »

lol, if it's kicking off over something as simple as set days then it'll likely just get worse when it comes to the real parenting conversations and decisions.

Your probably not going to be able to avoid court for much longer.

I just don't really know at this stage. I am trying.
I just said if it suited would it help if I said day X and day Y for during the week, so they could plan their week.

groovyg

Op is there a reason why your ex gf doesn't want you involved?
I don't think you are left with much choice at this stage, you are going to have to bite the bullet and go down the solicitor route to get a formal custody agreement put in place. When it comes to custody arrangement informal set ups don't really work, routine is key for kids.

VegetaIRL8e

groovyg wrote: »

Op is there a reason why your ex gf doesn't want you involved?
I don't think you are left with much choice at this stage, you are going to have to bite the bullet and go down the solicitor route to get a formal custody agreement put in place. When it comes to custody arrangement informal set ups don't really work, routine is key for kids.

This is my confusion I suppose. All her messages are about me not being involved while I am trying to be involved, but its being made very difficult. There is one particular bone of contention that I know she is holding onto, but I have my personal reasons , also I believe valid, for how I acted in that situation, which again I have tried to explain to no avail.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.