I'm worried about the impact of my dad on my sister

shakeitoff

I need to cut to the chase because there is so much to this that I get lost while trying to write it. In doing so I am not going to be able to really convey the hurt and sadness that this situation has caused myself and my sister.

To give context. My dad has always been an odd person, he has a tumultuous family life and a lot of bridges have been burned with his family over the years. He had an aloof father who seemingly never really gave him much love and this has shaped his entire existence. I think he watched his mums torment watching her husband have a relationship, essentially living a double life right on front of her. She was a lovely women by all accounts. By the end of her life she suffered a lot of mental problems probably brought on by her husband. My dad never really grew up either but he was lucky to find my mum(a truly solid, beautiful inquisitive women who I am blessed to have call my mum) So he never grew up but found himself living a life with an intelligent and independent wife(she would have been the main income earner) while my dad floozied around working odd jobs and not sticking with them. Throughout my childhood and teenage years my dad tormented my mum and by 12 I was fully becoming aware that when he was lashing out at myself and my sister this wasn't just the actions of a father trying to discipline his kids for the sake of their development but rather the behaviour of a mad man. I could see that my mum and dad weren't a unit, rather they were at loggerheads and my mum was on our side. It was the 3 of us vs my dad and the whims of his anger. When I was 13 I rang the guards on him but of course nothing happened. While there were lots of incidents, including one night in France where I thought he was going to drive us off the road and kill all of us, I have to flash forward to 2013 when my mum passed away suddenly. At the time I thought maybe this might give us a chance to come together but reality has been nothing of the sort. The subsequent 5 years have been hell. There have been some good times but it seems like my dad is deteriorating mentally. The good times are less and less. The good sides of his personality becoming a distant memory. He is an impulsive man child. He is obsessed with women, I am sure he has swindled a lot of our money on prostitutes since my mum passed. He did love my mum, actually he lived vicariously though her but he has reveled in the freedom since she passed. However because of his personality this also also causes him to be consumed by guilt. He constantly will affirm that 'you know the only person I ever loved is your mum, I could never love anyone else' which is him basically saying he has loved someone else but feeling a lot of guilt about it. We found out that he was seeing someone, a good thing you might think? No, while some men who lose their wives might hit it off with someone and enjoy a new lease of romance(and more power to them) my dad plays up to an image. He would flaunt the cash and make up stories about who he is and what he does. He managed to meet someone, a good 20 years his junior and pursued a relationship. I know from reading texts that he gave her and her family money. This wouldn't be that much of a problem, tbh if he just left me and my sister alone I couldn't give a **** well except for floundering my mums money. He takes out his daemons on us and it is having a huge impact on my sister. I can see her down the line once he's gone suffering really badly. She always tried to play up the daddy's girl relationship but he ruined their relationship to the point where she hates him. He has been horrible to her(and me) over the past few years. He accuses my sister of 'not being here' for her mum and that my mum 'knew what you were' and calls her 'evil' while also calling her all sorts of derogatory names. My sister is an astute observer and she knows that he projects his image of women onto her, he has said as much in conversation to my sister(in his moments of clarity they don't happen much but when he can psychoanalyse himself once a year he's happy to blabber on) Now he seems to be getting more physical with us, we can't do anything because he's not strong but how do I stand by and watch him do something to my sister, but if I do something he'll go on the attack and then all bets are off. He knows he can bully and intimidate and that I won't touch him. My sister would be able to overpower him too but we don't have his evil and mean streak to hurt him like he would with us. He has never punched one of us, but he has hit and grabbed us, two nights ago he came in to the room with a crutch and start threatening us with it, then he grabbed my sister by her neck until I got up and pushed him off. Then he went and start warning me that if I came near him again he'd break my legs. We're at the stage now we just want him to die. We've been put through the mire with him, there are so many secrets, lives, hurt and torment that have been caused that it's hard for us to love him. I think he's the worst person I know. I can't imagine someone having a worst personality.

My dad is a rollercoaster of a person. I guess you would call it bipolar. He's all or nothing. Even in the bad times throughout the years and even after my mum passed we'd still have good days but on closer inspection these good days were mostly shared while in the presence of our friends(Our dad would be quite pally with our friends and would have banter with them) I am worried for my sister, I think she has the sponge brain that my dad has whereby this will really shape her. I can see it in her face how much of a strain this puts on her. I hate it and I hate what our relationship is life but I'm more 'it is what it is'. It makes me think life is depressing but it wouldn't consume me. I just don't think my sister is as lucky. What can we do? Should she go for preemptive counselling?

This was really hard to write and apologise for lack of coherence if you managed to get through it. I think it reads how my feelings towards the whole situation, it's so emotional but yet I am dead to it. I feel old now and I've become worn out. My dad is never going to change. We are old btw, in our 20's so obviously we aren't vulnerable, we can move out but it's harder to do that it sounds. Maybe it's more of a psychological barrier but I'm going back to study so wouldn't be able to afford moving out. However, I do think my sister should prioritise leaving. Because she's a women, it's natural my dads bullying and domineering personality will **** with her more than me. She has more to win than lose by leaving. She has her masters and could get work easily. I think part of it is that myself and my sister don't want to leave behind our home and past life yet.

pmrc

I am really sorry to read about the emotional and psycholical abuse your father has caused you.
Have you and your sister taught about sharing a house or appartment together. My you getting back to education and working part time and your sister working full time.
Agree with you the environment ye are living is not healthy, you are worring about your sister being assulted by your dad.
Have ye considered a barring order or protection order.
As far as i am aware adults children can get it parents . Or people in house sharing situations can get it.

shakeitoff

Thank you.

It's just ****ing so weird to witness. My sister, a full time teacher being grabbed by the neck by my dad with a demented look on his face at 2am in the morning. It's so absurd. He's attacking a women and he knows we won't do anything back because if we do then it will give him full vindication. He's weak and old but full of anger, we're fit and young but kind. He resents life and doesn't want to be here. His whole world was my mum. He was bad when we were younger but not as bad, he was never able to adapt to us getting older.

It's definitely more psychological, like you say if we really wanted we could move out. But when you live with someone warped, it's quite hard you know. Like he wants us here, he wouldn't want us out. Him being a torment to us is what keeps him going. He has no purpose beyond that. Don't get me wrong, we're adults and sometimes you have to make big decisions and grow up but it is easier said than done.

valoren

OP. These are words to live by, I hope you appreciate the message of it.

You deal with toxic people by not dealing with them.

Just because he is your father you both don't need to maintain any kind of a relationship with him.
You say you're at the stage where you just want to have him die. Those are strong words but I understand how that feels.
It almost seems like they'd find their peace finally.

If you live together move out.
Ignore the manipulation, the emotional blackmail, the threats, the abuse and the torment.
You don't debate, talk, shout, argue, plead with him anymore. It's a waste of both your time and energy.

Move on with your lives and abandon him, he clearly had that coming for a long time and he is clearly a lost cause, bipolar or not, he provides nothing at all for you both only anxiety, anger, misery and emotional pain.

Don't deal with it anymore and don't have an ounce of regret about minding yourselves.

shakeitoff

valoren wrote: »

OP. These are words to live by, I hope you appreciate the message of it.

You deal with toxic people by not dealing with them.

Just because he is your father you both don't need to maintain any kind of a relationship with him.
You say you're at the stage where you just want to have him die.
If you live together move out.
Ignore the manipulation, the emotional blackmail, the threats etc.
Move on with your life and abandon him, he clearly had that coming for a long time.

These are wise words. My mum was an awesome person but she couldn't take this step to move on from him. It's very hard thing to do so I have no ill will towards her for not doing so. It's easier when the person is just a complete prick, with my dad he does/did have redeeming qualities. He's a bully but didn't exactly rule the house with an iron first. Sometimes my mum was vulnerable and it would beat her down and I read some of her diary entries and it definitely had an impact on her but she knew herself and had a strong personality.

You are definitely right.

danslevent

OP I am sorry for your troubles

You really need to move out. If your sister is a fulltime teacher then obviously has a wage capable of renting?

lulu1

I don't know what age you are but I would guess maybe 20ies

you and your sister should get out a rent a house together if that's what you both want

Some night your father might just go too far

WIZWEB

You've probably been emotionally blackmailed and manipulated for years by this man. Organise a holiday away with your sister. Really embrace the peace and tranquility you'll both discover away from your fathers dramas then. While away plan your next physical and permanent moves towards exiting his dysfunctional reality. You've no obligation whatsoever to any other adult no matter what their label when treated this way by them.

rainbowtrout

shakeitoff wrote: »

Like he wants us here, he wouldn't want us out. Him being a torment to us is what keeps him going. He has no purpose beyond that.

It's not his decision whether you stay or go. You can choose to leave and you are both old enough to do so. Why would you stay around solely to be this man's emotional and physical punchbag?

shakeitoff wrote: »

It's easier when the person is just a complete prick, with my dad he does/did have redeeming qualities. He's a bully but didn't exactly rule the house with an iron first.

Most people who cause misery for their families have some redeeming qualities, and often it's part of the reason that people put up with it for so long. But it sounds like the bad far outweighs the good here.

He came into your sister's room in the middle of the night and started choking her. That behaviour cannot be redeemed in anyway.


I would suggest that both of you need to sit down and have a discussion away from the house, make a plan and find somewhere to live and move out. Do not tell your father any of these plans. To be honest I wouldn't even tell him you were going - just go. You don't owe him anything.

seamus

I agree with others here that both need to move out. Moving out together would give you a lot more mobility, presumably you'd have the funds to rent something of your own.

Don't tell him. He should come home one day to find that you're gone. If you tell him your plan, then he'll try and manipulate you into changing it; either by wearing down your self-confidence, convincing you that you'll fail, or by suddenly playing nice and pleading with you about his ill-health. Or by threatening you over money, "I'll sell this house and you won't see a penny".

Then in a year's time nothing has changed.

If you absolutely can't move out, then you need a barring order. You need him forcibly removed from the house for your safety, possibly committed to a mental health facility.

Although your concern for your sister is admirable, you can't neglect your own mental health. The fact that you're a man and she's a woman is irrelevant. You are no more immune to his psychological abuse than she is. You both need to be separated from his toxicity.