Lack of confidence & self esteem

LegacyUser

I’m a guy in my 30’s and all my life people have commented on my self esteem and confidence. I got bullied in school horrendously as well I was a soft target and I don’t think I changed much over the years. When I rented in a rough area of Dublin I was a target of the local teens sigh

Managers in work fought to get me onto their teams and I got constant praise but I never got promoted ever. When I pushed for answers I got feedback that I needed to work on my confidence and self esteem how I came across in meetings. I admit I got bitter watching people who worked less hours and knew less technically than me now supervise me. Maybe I was petty, it ate me up inside that I wasn’t “good enough”. I redoubled my efforts and burned myself out trying to outwork everyone and please all but I could not keep that up forever

I did a corporate weekend away once with 30 or so guys & girls I barely knew and threw myself into it. Canoeing, line dancing (cringe haha) , putting on a play etc and then we all hit the pub. I had a good time and enjoyed it and the next week everyone gave anonymous feedback and I got over 20 comments on being shy and lacking confidence. Some lads never went to the pub at all and returned to their hotel and then I got these comments! Very disappointed. I tried so hard and chatted to all in the pub.


Two good female friends commented I was a great guy bla bla but come across as timid and lacking confidence. It hurt to hear it but yeah it’s true. I’ve let housemates and work colleagues treat me badly and then I get bitter thinking I’m a weak pushover. I build up resentment inside which isn’t healthy and I can be an angry person taking offense to tiny things at times.

I solo travel a lot and stay in hostels and I chat to people but I feel I’ve stopped trying and maybe fall into self pity. I attended a one day music festival recently and loved the bands and had a good time but I was alone all day. I saw couples everywhere and felt very down about it. I had a girlfriend a long while ago and she always said I was cheeky and funny at the start and I guess I was. I would mock her playfully and make her laugh. Another time I met a girl in a hostel in Spain and found out we worked next door to each other in Dublin. I asked her out and got a date on our return. But I’ve done nothing much since and stopped trying. Why? Feeling very down over everything

When I wanted a new job I got rejected many times but I believed in myself and never stopped trying and got a new job with a big raise and six months later another new job and a big raise. Now I have a cool new job on good money in Europe which allows to travel but I don’t want to be on my own all the time. Maybe I can apply this attitude to other areas of my life?

I’ve seen some guys and they are oh so self confident. Even as a guy I recognize it’s very attractive. Fun to be with, know who they are and don’t need constant validation. I wouldn’t even say conventially good looking at all but the confidence is attractive to both girls and guys

How to work on this, any advice appreciated

Airyfairy12

You dont sound lacking in confidence, youve done so many things and participate in social gatherings, are you just introverted and quiet? Theres nothing wrong with being quiet. Lots of people see it as a flaw but its really not, some people see it as weakness and think youre an easy target because of it but theyre just ignorant.
Im introverted and although im a bit better now at standing up for myself when I was in college people in my year often tried to walk on me, push me around etc some would try to 'help' me by trying to 'get me out of my shell' *rolls eyes

It sounds like your line of work attracts allot of competitive, outgoing, extroverted types, people like that think anyone different from themselves has something wrong with them. Keep doing you, if anyone comments on your 'shyness' tell them youre not shy at all, youre just introverted. Maybe you could look into assertiveness training classes, counselling, drama groups and toastmasters. They'd be great way of making you stronger to deal with people who think youre a push over.

Also read Quiet by Susan Cain, its an interesting read.

WIZWEB

OP there's a little simple psychology concept known as "The Locus of Evaluation". In your case like mine once was we externalise it and value events and beliefs that are completely out of our hands. Through externalising we also seek our SELF-Esteem, SELF-Efficiacy and SELF-Worth through others. The keyword as highlighted is SELF. These can only ever be garnered and increased from within.

As long as you measure your value on what others think (real or imaginary) you will never be 'good enough' in your own eyes. Work on internalising the positive SELF through valuing oneself without making measurements or comparisons to others.

One of the greatest gifts I ever gave myself was an almost overnight turnaround in beliefs and stress levels through this simple concept. I went from being hypersensitive to what others, including strangers thought about me to these days not giving a flying fook what anyone thinks about me. As the simple but wise saying goes: "What other people think of me is none of my business".