Trying to work on myself-Advice

thetimeisnow

I just turned 40 and for most of my life I've been overweight and a bit of a slop. I started a fitness regime 6 weeks ago and ive lost 30lbs since then but thats besides the point because its a specific calulated goal and its specific and I either do it or I dont. My issue is that most of my friends have settled down and I have very little people to socalize with on my days off. I want to get out tere and meet women but my main concern is that if I do meet someone they will see I have very little in my life apat from work, I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with this problem?

CeilingFly

Join a local Toastmasters club -

You learn to listen to people

You learn to speak in public

You socialise at the same time in a very positive environment.

You have to put a little effort in, but it is a great way to meet people outside your normal sphere.


Most go.on a summer break, but you possibly will catch a season finale meeting and you can attend as a guest by just turning up.

There are over 60 clubs in Ireland

mfceiling

You might think that apart from work you have very little going on in your life but for some partners this is a godsend.
Time to spend together - the cinema, going for a walk/hike, going for a drink/dinner.
I know lads who have so much on between football, gym etc that they are barely in the house and you have their OH moaning that they spend no time with them.

drunkmonkey

Call your settled down friends, I think single guys or ones with no kids seem to run a mile when you get kids, I've one friend bolts when he hears it's bead time and I'm like give it half an hour and have a beer and he runs out the door, it's as if having kids seem to be some kind of disease your single mates run from and your suddley not allowed out anymore.
Now all those guys have wives with single friends they could easily hook you up with. There still your mates.
Think they'll be happy you've got a job and loads or free time to spend with them, wouldn't worry too much about it there in the same boat.

How'd your drop 30lbs in 6 weeks?

thetimeisnow

drunkmonkey wrote: »

How'd your drop 30lbs in 6 weeks?

Cutting down on the drink
Walking 10k steps every day
Watching my calorie intake

SeanHarty

Fair play mate, great achievement in six weeks!

And I'll chime in with the old cliche just be yourself and it'll happen for you!

Find a group activity that you enjoy like running, cycling or a drama socitiy and you never know you may end up meeting someone through the social aspect of that!

Keep up the good work!

H3llR4iser

thetimeisnow wrote: »

I just turned 40 and for most of my life I've been overweight and a bit of a slop. I started a fitness regime 6 weeks ago and ive lost 30lbs since then but thats besides the point because its a specific calulated goal and its specific and I either do it or I dont. My issue is that most of my friends have settled down and I have very little people to socalize with on my days off. I want to get out tere and meet women but my main concern is that if I do meet someone they will see I have very little in my life apat from work, I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with this problem?

It all depends if you have a final goal to "settle down"; In that case, you'll have to be extremely selective about who you pick as a partner - is she is bothered that you have "nothing going on", or she gets "bored", well...means you and she are better off with someone else.

That said, you do have hobbies and things you enjoy doing? "Socializing" is extremely overrated nowadays; You'll find out that the vast majority of people are great at "socializing" but can't do much else...technically speaking, all they actually have going on in their lives IS their job, since all they do outside of it is binge TV shows and gulp down beer while shooting the breeze about the 1990 Wold Cup :P.

You've taken the step of improving your physical shape and health, and that alone is no small matter; Word of advice - you're about to hit the hardest part. When you haven't exercised and have been eating more or less sho1te for years, the first couple of months of a new regime will see the fat literally melting away at a breakneck pace but it doesn't last forever; After 8-10 weeks you'll hit some sort of a plateau and get the feeling that whatever you are doing ain't working anymore. Don't get discouraged and keep through - it will eventually work, perseverance is the key. I lost about 45 Kg (close to 100lbs) about 10-11 years ago, it took a year but a good 50% of the weight dropped in the first 2 months...then it was a much slower march.

Jimmy Bottlehead

H3llR4iser wrote: »

That said, you do have hobbies and things you enjoy doing? "Socializing" is extremely overrated nowadays; You'll find out that the vast majority of people are great at "socializing" but can't do much else...technically speaking, all they actually have going on in their lives IS their job, since all they do outside of it is binge TV shows and gulp down beer while shooting the breeze about the 1990 Wold Cup :P.

This is such a great paragraph. I increasingly notice how stale a lot of people have become in their late 20s and early 30s.

Its all looking back in the past, with little going on in the present or much of a future to look forward to. And the inability to socialise outside of a pub is sad. There's a whole world out there!

I feel its important to set some goals, visualise the life you wish to achieve and your present will start to mould itself to that future vision.

As said, you've taken the big step of a physical overhaul which a lot of people never achieve. Now comes the next stage.

Good luck with the continuing evolution

Wibbs

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

This is such a great paragraph. I increasingly notice how stale a lot of people have become in their late 20s and early 30s.

Jesus, JB wait until you see them at 50. Tour guides in their own loosely based on truth version of "back in their day". I have found men much much worse for this than women. The latter are more likely to get a second wind after 40* and be far less mired in the past and keep their minds more plastic for longer. Sitting in a group of 40 odd year old women and a group of 40 odd year old men is chalk and cheese in my experience. Too many men - again in my experience - figure out the mental clothes that fit them, usually somewhen in their 30's(some even earlier. I knew a guy who went from 19 to 50 overnight), get comfortable in that and intend to ride that pony all the way to the grave or urn.

So fair play to guys like Thetimeisnow looking to make and making radical changes in their lives and headspace. As for finding a woman? It would be my humble that because of your mindset you will stand out among your male age peers in a pretty big and good way.







*I've often wondered is that down to the biology of reproduction? That woman in their forties see the end of one often irritating and uncomfortable chapter and a beginning of a new and one with less stress on them?

H3llR4iser

Wibbs wrote: »

Jesus, JB wait until you see them at 50. Tour guides in their own loosely based on truth version of "back in their day". I have found men much much worse for this than women. The latter are more likely to get a second wind after 40* and be far less mired in the past and keep their minds more plastic for longer. Sitting in a group of 40 odd year old women and a group of 40 odd year old men is chalk and cheese in my experience. Too many men - again in my experience - figure out the mental clothes that fit them, usually somewhen in their 30's(some even earlier. I knew a guy who went from 19 to 50 overnight), get comfortable in that and intend to ride that pony all the way to the grave or urn.

So fair play to guys like Thetimeisnow looking to make and making radical changes in their lives and headspace. As for finding a woman? It would be my humble that because of your mindset you will stand out among your male age peers in a pretty big and good way.

Let's start by agreeing that this isn't a new trend at all - nowadays it's just sitting in front of Netflix for 5 hours a day, 50 years ago it was "home, slippers & sports newspaper". The form changed, the substance not so much.

Even more interestingly, in my own experience the situation you outline where there is a difference between how women and men approach their own time is the exact reverse at younger ages - let's say 20-40.

Wibbs wrote: »

*I've often wondered is that down to the biology of reproduction? That woman in their forties see the end of one often irritating and uncomfortable chapter and a beginning of a new and one with less stress on them?

I thought the exact same as soon as I read your post. There probably is a big component of that - a while ago I read an article written by some notable older gentleman (I genuinely don't remember who he was) about how he finally got his ducks in a line and started getting things done properly in his 60s and 70s...as soon as his testosterone levels collapsed and his lack of a sex drive "freed" a lot of mental time to actually concentrate on tasks. To us men regardless of sexual orientation, the fact sexuality is so central and prevalent is just normal and we simply do not realize how much it actually controls everything we do.

Wibbs

H3llR4iser wrote: »

Even more interestingly, in my own experience the situation you outline where there is a difference between how women and men approach their own time is the exact reverse at younger ages - let's say 20-40.

I'd agree and have found similar.

I thought the exact same as soon as I read your post. There probably is a big component of that - a while ago I read an article written by some notable older gentleman (I genuinely don't remember who he was) about how he finally got his ducks in a line and started getting things done properly in his 60s and 70s...as soon as his testosterone levels collapsed and his lack of a sex drive "freed" a lot of mental time to actually concentrate on tasks. To us men regardless of sexual orientation, the fact sexuality is so central and prevalent is just normal and we simply do not realize how much it actually controls everything we do.

Some saint/monk said similar many centuries ago(I can't remember his name either. ). Could be an element to that alright, though I have found mental decline/digging ruts in men who weren't that pushed on nookie(quite a number out there, just more hidden). If anything the "skirt chasers" were more mentally active. Indeed in some men low testosterone has been implicated in depression, anxiety and lack of focus and drive and when supplemented with same they got their mojo back. It's an odd little hormone mind you, as while it worked like a "magic pill" for some(about a third IIRC) it had little or no effect on the other two thirds who presented with the same issues.

Maybe some part of it for some men is "settling down". They figure job done and go into stability mode, whereas with women to a greater degree they're more actively involved in the whole settled relationship thing. They're a little less likely to coast. They're also more emotionally adaptable. In later life widows are generally more likely to get back into the world than widowers. They're also more likely to maintain external social contacts within marriages.

Pug160

There's no doubt that testosterone plays a vital role in a man's health. But as with almost everything else, things are not always as simple as they seem. I only have layman's knowledge myself but I get the impression that some men think it's at the root cause of all their ills, which surely isn't always the case. Take for example, something like erectile dysfunction. There are various causes for it but low testosterone is not high up on the list of reasons, especially not in younger men. I think if someone is going to get themselves checked out because they're curious about the state of their overall health (young or old), they'd be better off just going the whole way and getting a ''full MOT'' on themselves done. It's on my to do list after I have paid for a couple of other things. Is it fair to say that there is at least a small debate (or at least some unanswered questions) regarding testosterone and DHT? As someone with a genetic sensitivity to DHT I know its basic role as a rather potent by product of testosterone but I sometimes wonder if there is more to it, as these things are often more complicated than what they seem. Interestingly enough, it seems that some DHT blockers actually increase testosterone itself, but obviously limit or block DHT. In my own case, I have taken some supplements that have been known to decrease DHT and have actually noticed more body hair and nasal hair etc. It's hard to tell what's causing what of course, but it's an interesting outcome.

thetimeisnow

Im down another 20lbs . I've a quick question . My long term goal is to get down to 13.5 stone and be 10-13% body fat and look great. To make the transformation even more dramatic I'm going to leave me hair grow long and beard grow grizzly Adams wild . Can someone recommend a place in Dublin that would professionally know the perfect hair cut and facial beard style to give me. I hate being asked by barbers what do I want because they are the experts at the end of the day

professore

Wibbs wrote: »

Jesus, JB wait until you see them at 50. Tour guides in their own loosely based on truth version of "back in their day". I have found men much much worse for this than women. The latter are more likely to get a second wind after 40* and be far less mired in the past and keep their minds more plastic for longer. Sitting in a group of 40 odd year old women and a group of 40 odd year old men is chalk and cheese in my experience. Too many men - again in my experience - figure out the mental clothes that fit them, usually somewhen in their 30's(some even earlier. I knew a guy who went from 19 to 50 overnight), get comfortable in that and intend to ride that pony all the way to the grave or urn.

So fair play to guys like Thetimeisnow looking to make and making radical changes in their lives and headspace. As for finding a woman? It would be my humble that because of your mindset you will stand out among your male age peers in a pretty big and good way.


*I've often wondered is that down to the biology of reproduction? That woman in their forties see the end of one often irritating and uncomfortable chapter and a beginning of a new and one with less stress on them?

I agree with you. I (mid 40s) and a few other guys I know seem to be the exception to this. Most of my old college friends are like this - one of them won't even use an iPhone!

"Set in my ways" isn't something that describes me.

Having said that there are lots of women that settle in to the "mom" role once they have their first child and then are lost when the last one goes to college. But I digress.

OP I would say that going to meetup groups of something that vaguely interests you but is likely to have lots of women there (e.g. welding probably not a good one). I went to an art based one a while back - I'm married, but could see vast opportunities for meeting open minded artistic women