Hatred ruining life

Carrie50

I am mentally torchered by thoughts of someone I despise,it is affecting my marraige and relationships with my kids,its all I can think or talk about,I have had a lot of counselling,but the hurt is still there and the need to see karma come around is very strong..trying to "let go" isnt working yet..I believe my this person contributed to my brothers death..enabling,etc..I was personally targeted by this person who said some very hurtful things..this person is nasty and not worth my time but yet its all I think about...HELP...

Ken.

Mod-Hi Carrie, I've cut your post from the thread in After Hours and moved it to a thread of its own in personal issues. I think this is the best place for your post.

To everyone, Please read the local charter before posting. Any AH type replies here will see you forum banned or worse.

Carrie50

Soz..I am new to this I didnt know I posted in the wrong place...my bad

Ken.

Carrie50 wrote: »

Soz..I am new to this I didnt know I posted in the wrong place...my bad

That's no problem Carrie. Happens all the time. That's why we're here to help.

Bassfish

A friend who is in recovery from addiction, stemming from horrendous abuse told me once that holding on to hate and resentment and grudges is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the person you hate to fall down dead! You're only sabotaging your own well-being by being so consumed by this person.
The greatest victory you could ever have over this person is to make them a non-entity in your life! As Oscar Wilde said; "always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them more!".

Carrie50

Thank you,I know everything u say is true and I am willing to do whatever it takes to feel nothing towards this person but the hurt and anger well up everytime I see them..I dont think I know how to let it go..maybe I need more counselling..I know how precious life is and I dont want to waste mine on this negativity..I can forgive so I can be free but I could never be around this person again..does forgiving mean being friends?

Lisha

Sorry to but In Carrie, In my humble opinion Carrie forgiving someone does not mean you have to be friends.
Forgiving them releases yourself from the hurt they caused you and so sets you free.
The best revenge really is living well.
I know it’s so much easier to say it than to simply do it but I do believe you can move past this. You deserve a wonderful life free of resentment and only you can control this.
Grief is all consuming and grief also renders you illogical for a while. Simply because when you are in the initial stages of grief getting dressed is a challenge enough. So be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve and also to heal.
I wish you peace Carrie

Carrie50

I appreciate ur reply,I have heard that saying the best revenge is to be happy and live a full life,I know its what my brother would want for me,he is gone five years soon and the grief is still unbearable at times and made soo much worse by this person who lays flowers on his grave every week,when they played a part in his passing.its very hard to move past that..but I know I have too or I am in danger of losing my marraige..and my sanity..I know excatly what drinking that poison feels like..and I want it to stop..

zapper55

Perhaps they are laying flowers every week as they can't live with their own guilt. You neve know what's going on in someone else's head, perhaps they are tortured with thoughts of what if themselves.

If seeing their flowers opens the wound could you ask them not to lay the flowers? But if you did that it's something you'd have to do directly as going through a third party could result in miscommunication. .

Carrie50

Its a LONG story but this person is a bully and knows their flowers hurt me I have been told its why they put them there,they are not someone I culd reason with,when I once visited my brothers grave at night they were hiding in the dark in the cemetery and pushed me and verbally abused me..this is the kind of person I am dealing with..I hope they feel guilt but I doubt it..

Rubberchikken

If this petson physically or verbally abused you you could speak to the gardai. Youre entitled to visit your brother's grave without interference from anyone.

I do understand what its like to despise someone and wish them nothing but misery for something they did to me but i have told myself to rise above it, to ignore them and to feel sorry for them as they are so pathetic and worthless.
It wasnt easy to do and its taken quite a few years but the anger i felt towards them has turned to pity. Ive begun to see how weak and insecure they are and my anger has melted away.

Im really sorry that youre going through such a tough time. Im sorry you lost your brother and sorry that someone played a part in this loss.
If this person is placing flowers on his grave just to spite you then they are truly nasty and pathetic.

It would be easy for me to say to ignore them but i think with time and support you will learn that they're not worth bothering with.
Take care

Carrie50

Thank u,I did go to the guards on that night I was in bits,but they said to go to this person wuld be like poking a lion with a stick and only make it worse,these bullies dont stop,when I tried to get help for my brother to get him to rehab he failed a test for opiates so the the rehab culd not accept him, this person danced for joy because they didnt want him to go and leave THEM..so selfish.now he has left for good!u are right this person is nasty,and pathetic,I feel in time as u say I will get stronger..I hope my family have patience to wait..and that I dont waste my precious time on the negative thoughts in the meantime..I shuld rise above it and not stoop to their level.thank you..

lulu1

Carrie50 wrote: »

Its a LONG story but this person is a bully and knows their flowers hurt me I have been told its why they put them there,they are not someone I culd reason with,when I once visited my brothers grave at night they were hiding in the dark in the cemetery and pushed me and verbally abused me..this is the kind of person I am dealing with..I hope they feel guilt but I doubt it..

OP you once visited you brothers grave in the dark. I am wondering how exactly the bully know you would be there at that time . Also feel it strange that the guards didnt do something or at least go and warn him off

Carrie50

It wasnt once,I often visited my brothers grave,everyday for two years,,sometimes twice in a day,in winter it was dark early!!!the bully had been there on previous days but I didnt show up..the guards were willing to go warn them off if its what I really wanted but after speaking to them for two hours we all agreed it possibly only make things worse..as I said they knew this type of person and it wuld be like poking a lion with a stick,the best advice was to totally ignore them..

Carrie50

Thank u to everyone who gave me some very good advice,I will take it all on board..and "let it go" move on..love instead of hate..I have family to love, to focus on that until this person no longer exists in my world..thank u all so much

WIZWEB

I've been there. The only way to escape the self inflicted torture was to forgive them and eradicate them from my life. Now they barely trigger a brain cell even if I pass them in the street. I never forgave them to their face. Just in my head. When I began to pity them and their sad life all their power over me wilted. That was my forgiveness.

LegacyUser

OP I'm really sad to see you feeling this level of hurt, they sound like a truly awful person. The kind of person who does this is really deeply mentally damaged. Knowingly inflicting pain and hurt on other people is not healthy or normal behaviour. It strikes me that they may have a personality disorder such as NPD, if you look it up you might find some answers.

This kind of person, the kind that relishes in your hurt and pain, they'll just keep doing this as long as they know that it hurts you. They're looking for an emotional reaction from you, it's what they get a kick out of. As long as they know that they are able to push this emotional button of yours, they'll keep doing it.

What you have to do here is give them absolutely nothing. Silence is what will eventually make them lose interest. Stop talking to people about it, stop giving them space in your head, stop letting anyone know that this is a big trigger for you (especially anyone who has contact with this person). Stop showing them that you care about this. Eventually, when they stop being able to get a reaction from you, they will give up. They might ramp things up a few notches to try and get a reaction out of your first, but eventually, when you take away that power from them, they should go away.

Talking to a therapist again is a great idea, it sounds like you badly need it. But, keep that quiet, only tell people you can trust to not pass on that information. Talk about this only with people you trust, make sure that it's not a known thing anymore, if you're asked about it then just tell people that you've stopped caring, don't give it any attention.

Privately, and with those you trust, you can let out your anger and grief. Exercise is actually great for this, a few nights a week going for a run or in the gym would really help alongside the therapy. You can feel anger, but you don't have to allow it to consume you or take over your life, it's just a feeling after all, you are fully in control of where you allow your thoughts to take you. You might be interested in a type of therapy called CBT that can help you with ruminating or obsessing over things that upset you.

I'm so sorry that you lost your brother like this, and I'm sorry that this person is trying to further your hurt and pain. Dealing with grief like this, that's complicated by the trauma of bullying, is going to be really tough. But with the right supports and the right attitude you can do it. From now on work on doing what is best for you, that means doing everything within your power to let the anger go and move on from this bully.

Carrie50

Still struggling with the feelings about this person..but probably not as bad,I still find its like being stabbed when I see or hear this person is around my family,thats my parents and siblings..not my husband and kids..they would have nothing to do with this person..but I.m wondering how I deal with the hurt that family still are around this person..is it none of my business,they dont feel my pain should I stop trying to tell them it hurts..is it my problem I hurt about it?I know I cant control their lives...

Raspberry Swirl

Hi Carrie,
I once read 'The Book of Forgiving' by Desmond & Mpho Tutu. It's the most remarkable book about forgiveness. It made me look completely differently about what it is to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean that what they did was OK but rather it means to liberate yourself. I would highly recommend it. Hope this helps. Look after yourself.

leggo

So OP, without trying to pry too much, what I'm getting from what you're saying about your brother and the Gardaí knowing them is that this person is an addict?

I remember in school my little sister was getting picked on by another girl. The girl's family was well known in the area as trouble and I remember explaining to my sister when she'd come home feeling bad how bad this person's life must have been. Not to make her feel bad for the bully, but to make her understand that her actions towards my sister and others were her lashing out and trying to drag the person down with her. She did what she did because she wanted to make others feel as bad as her. And that's kind of tragic, really. These people don't deserve hatred, they hate themselves already, they deserve pity. They get a rise out of making other people feel bad but run a mile when they see people feel sorry for them and see them for who they really are. In that case, it worked, the bully got away from my sister fast when she started responding to her like "I'm sorry for whatever you're going through that's making you act this way..." It just breaks their brain to not get the reaction they're looking for. Pity can be a powerful weapon if used correctly.

I'm not saying you should start provoking this bullying addict, but even just change your own mindset towards it. In your hatred, you probably can't wish enough bad things to happen to this person that has never happened them before. They are truly pathetic and have gotten to the stage in their life where they're not even hoping for happiness anymore and their best case scenario is giving misery to others. In you they see someone with an emotional wound they can add salt to because their brain is so ****ed up that gives it happiness. Feel sorry for them. Not because they deserve your help or empathy, but because they're genuinely pathetic humans. You go home after any sour interactions with them to your family who all love you and think the sun shines out of your arse, they likely go home to nothing but a horrible existence that they've put themselves in, having pushed everyone else away. They're not worth the energy it takes to hate them.

So try put yourself in their shoes for a bit and imagine how bad their life must be. Not for their benefit, but for yourself. You'll be amazed once you actually start to see them that way how their behaviour will change if you ever have the misfortune of seeing and dealing with them.

zig

OP some great advice here.

I would also start doing some writing, with a pen. It’s more powerful than typing. Write anything , why you love your family, why you hate them, how much you hate them, how lucky you are to have the good people around you, the damage being done by giving this person such power and headspace.

It’s ok to hate them, for as long as needs be, but it’s also important you slowly and compassionately begin to put effort into reducing their significance in your life by reminding yourself how little you have to benefit from hating them and how much more you have to benefit from loving your family.

The important thing here is for you to still allow the hate until it naturally begins to diminish. There is no point beating yourself up for feeling a certain way. But there is every point, if not just for yourself but for your family, in working on your own well being and seeing a future where this person is no longer a part of the equation.

Carrie50

I write almost eveyday and have written to this person and burned it..they say thats therapy,its not as bad now its mainly seeing them with my brother and sister in law and knowing my mam has contact with her..I try to not allow it to hurt but it does..I want her to go away from the family,she has a pathetic life,no siblings, no parents,so she clings on to my brother and his wife,they are her life..my sister in law is using her as a babysitter,she told me this three yrs ago..so I feel when the child gets older my sister in law will have no use for this creature..she has a VERY sad life..was soo lonely it got a dog..which is left for 12 hrs monday to friday alone! She is a spoilt 48yr old who is a bully..so why does it hurt me that she is around my siblings and parents???????I cant control that..

Ghekko

How and why do you know so much about her? Do you ask your family? Do they talk about her to you? Don't bring up her name again when you see your family. If they mention her tell them you are not interested and keep telling them calmly until they get the message. You cannot control the way they feel towards this woman, regardless of how she treated your brother. I found mindfulness a great help in taking my mind off a relative that has been cut out of our lives. She caused a lot of grief and at times I thought I would go demented thinking about her or having to listen to others go on about her. It took some time but now if she does happen to come into my mind it's not as bad and I can just tune her out again. I don't see her so that helps of course. As regards the grave, if you can try to accept that your brother can be with you in your thoughts and not in the graveyard it may help towards cutting back on visits to the grave. This woman sees that she is getting a reaction from you. Don't put yourself in situations where she has any access to you. It can drive you insane when people like this exist but you have to change the way in which you deal with it as these f*ckers won't change.

anewme

Friend gave me this invaluable piece of advice:

Bitterness only effects the bitter party.

Your posts are concerning; would you consider speaking to your doctor about how you are currently feeling?

Carrie50

I have spoken to my doctor and had counselling for a year and half..I need to find a way to heal the hurt this person caused me ..a doctor perscribing pills won't fix that..there is better advice on this board.people have been so kind and helpful with their time..thank you everyone who has been helping me..

AndrewJRenko

zig wrote: »

OP some great advice here.

I would also start doing some writing, with a pen. It’s more powerful than typing. Write anything , why you love your family, why you hate them, how much you hate them, how lucky you are to have the good people around you, the damage being done by giving this person such power and headspace.

It’s ok to hate them, for as long as needs be, but it’s also important you slowly and compassionately begin to put effort into reducing their significance in your life by reminding yourself how little you have to benefit from hating them and how much more you have to benefit from loving your family.

The important thing here is for you to still allow the hate until it naturally begins to diminish. There is no point beating yourself up for feeling a certain way. But there is every point, if not just for yourself but for your family, in working on your own well being and seeing a future where this person is no longer a part of the equation.

Some great advice in this post. Don't worry too much about 'forgiveness' at this stage. That's probably a step too far.



Just focus on the practical steps to get yourself able to get with something near to a normal life as possible. Stay away from that person, and stay away from those who want to talk about their person or keep you involved.


One other issue that might be dragging you back down could be your constant visits to the grave. Have a think about whether this is really helping you. It's not really doing any good for your brother at this stage. It might be like 'picking the scab' on the hurt that you're feeling, opening up the pain again and again. Instead of going to the grave, where you're risking contact with this person, take a nice walk in the park or up in the hills and clear your head. You can still chat to your brother in your head, if that's what you need to do.

Big Bag of Chips

Carrie, why is all your anger directed at this person, rather than your brother. It seems they had a codependent relationship, and maybe they were equally bad for each other. Your brother was an addict who made choices and died because of his addiction. I'm guessing this person was his partner. She mightn't have been good for him, but believe me his addiction would have been stronger than his feelings for anyone, even her.

There is an addict in my extended family. They have had chances to change. They be been in rehab and left. They've had multiple admissions to hospital. They have had, for a very very long time the love and support of a family who tried everything to get him to see sense, but none of it matters. He has children who he cries over. He has access to them any time he likes. He makes plans to see them, promising the sun, moon and stars, and time and time again he lets them down in favour of his addiction.

Nobody can help him. Nobody can change him, and realistically nobody could force him to stick with his addiction if he was determined enough to kick it. The sad fact is, the addiction has a hold on his life. And drinking and doing drugs has a stronger pull for him than even his young children. It really is only a matter of time before his addiction kills him. He is aware of this, but it's still not enough to make him get the help that has been offered to get him out of it.

I think your anger is misguided. I completely understand it, and its obviously easier to blame her than to blame your own flesh and blood. I wonder would you benefit from a few meetings with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. They are groups specifically for people with addicts in their lives. If nothing else, you will find that your brother was a typical addict. And his death can't really be blamed on her, no more than it can be blamed on any of you.

By the way, if she is as bad as you believe, why on earth are your brother and sister-in-law allowing her unsupervised access to their children, to babysit? I wouldn't let my relative anywhere near my children alone.

splinter65

Carrie50 wrote: »

I have spoken to my doctor and had counselling for a year and half..I need to find a way to heal the hurt this person caused me ..a doctor perscribing pills won't fix that..there is better advice on this board.people have been so kind and helpful with their time..thank you everyone who has been helping me..

I have suffered this in much milder doses and for much shorter periods of time then you appear to be and am currently experiencing it in a medium strength way regarding a close family member and his wife.
I think in the end I realize that it is my own feelings that are destroying my own peace of mind and that I am the only person who can control my feelings and no tablets or therapy or outside forces can help me...it’s just me. So I will put them in a mental box and lock it and put it in a mental whole in the ground and say that they are trapped there, and I am free.

SirChenjin

WIZWEB wrote: »

I've been there. The only way to escape the self inflicted torture was to forgive them and eradicate them from my life. Now they barely trigger a brain cell even if I pass them in the street. I never forgave them to their face. Just in my head. When I began to pity them and their sad life all their power over me wilted. That was my forgiveness.

This line stood out for me OP, in WIZWEB's post.
You are giving them power over you (I'm not saying that in a critical way).
Feeling powerless is a horrible feeling. It is not going to be easy for you, but try to turn your thoughts to taking back your power.

FWIW, I don't think you have to forgive the person. I think you have to look at ways of coping so that this hatred is not the centre point of your life.

Take care, reach out to your family and friends and look after your health.

Ghekko

That's another great point and I was told the same thing by a friend during another frenzied rant about my relative - pity her as her life is so pathetic. Pity her instead of feeling that intense hatred. Keep telling yourself she is not worth making you feel hate. And I agree, you never need to forgive. I know I won't and that doesn't bother me at all. I do pity this person as she really messed things up for herself and her kids and they are the ones to suffer. Funnily enough before I read this thread yesterday I had re read a letter I'd written this person in the midst of my anger towards her - outlining why she was such a c*nt. I never sent it but it was great to get it all out at the time. Reading it yesterday I could laugh at it and that was a good feeling. You can get there - just try to change your thoughts as soon as you do think about her - change them to something positive in your life, your kids, partner, recall a nice day out etc. In time I hope you heal.

Carrie50

Its a long story as I said before,my brother was a kind soul who took pity on this person who lived right beside him when her last living parent died my brother took her in because she was lonely,she then wuldnt leave,he was too kind to put her out and yes they became an item,when he was very drunk SHE drove him to town tried to get him to eat a little so he didnt seem drunk in the jewellers and got him to buy her an engagement ring..I was going to alanon meetings at that time to help me deal with the fact my brother was going to die if he didnt stop drinking..she knew this and still "got engaged" my brothers brain was damaged from drink so I dont hold him responsible,he had wet brain..all his friends KNOW this person was not someone my brother would in his right mind choose..I was angry with my brother in the early years of his addiction but did all I could to stop him and I knew finally he would die from his addiction,I know drink came before her and every thin

Carrie50

Unfortunately she is going around today like the grieving widow ring firmly on finger,,vase on grave"for my fiance"..he wasnt,she had left him when he passed,moved out..but was still on speaking terms not in a relationship..this hurts me,,she knew I was going for conselling some time after losing my brother,(my mother told her thinking she could do with it too,just being helpful)and she threw it at me in our argument at the grave,(Keep going for your counselling because your F_ _cking mad) those words still hurt..there is too much to put in a post so I know its hard to fully understand,but someone said why my brother and sister in law let it babysit,they dont see her as I do,they did for a while but to be honset my sister in law wuld let ANYBODY babysit once she gets to do what she wants..my sister in law will only want u around if she can use you..she is using this person,she told me once before their "friendship"she was nasty and not someone she wuld ever be friends with,last year she told me she is not her friend just an acquaintance..yet the other person thinks they are besties..my brother is totally ruled by his wife and goes along with the games..phew sorry for long post..as I said long story..but really want people to understand and love the advice here and totally appreciate it ....

Ghekko

TBH you'd be best off distancing yourself from your brother and his wife too as their involvement with this woman is adding to your annoyance. You shouldn't know anything about the woman anymore and need to stop listening to people carrying tales. As soon as someone mentions her name stop them and tell them not to mention her in your presence again. Let her off with her ring and her grieving. She's pathetic. As for your brother, he was an alcoholic and that's what killed him - not her. She just went along with it to her advantage - a nasty thing to do but she's not the first and won't be the last to take advantage of someone like that. If your brother and sister in law are foolish enough not to see through her and have her around their kids then that's their decision. It doesn't have to concern you. Step way back from them all for a while and take comfort in the fact that you loved your brother and you did all you could to help him. Sadly the choices he made were out of your control. And realise that it was his choice to live the way he did. It was not in anyone else's control to change that.

Dial Hard

Forgiveness is an amazingly freeing thing but a lot of people misunderdtand it. Forgiving someone does not mean saying to them "What you have done is ok", it means "I am taking away the power of that thing to hurt me anymore". You don't even have to tell the person you're forgiving them, that's the beauty part.

I definitely think you would benefit from some counselling and, as others have said, attending Al-Anon or similar.

At the end of the day, continuing to be bitter about this is a choice. It really is. You can choose to move on from this or you can choose to be a martyr to your bitterness. It's up to you.

Carrie50

Thanks everyone,so encouraging to get this advice,I have years of counselling and alanon behind me,I am looking for some CBT therapy now,just cant afford at the minute..I have overcome WORSE things in my life,I never found them as hard to get over as this.I really dont understand why its so difficult to let this go..I have taken in board a lot of advice here the past few weeks and have def improved..its just nxt week is my brothers anniversary and I know I will see this person..laughing and acting like its a day to celebrate..but just to annoy me..I realise that so it is starting to look desperate and pathetic to me..I dont intend to be a martyr to this I intend to rise above it..I have chosen to forgive so I can be free.I have, dare I say Prayed for this person(HARD)I I will get the book of fogiveness recommended,I will get more therapy,I will do what it takes to be free of this pathetic human..I have already reduced visits to my brothers grave,I dont have much contact with my other brother and his wife..my brothers life was too short so I know the value of life..mine is for living..I really appreciate all the advice and your patience.....

Ghekko

If you think you have to go to an anniversary mass - if that's the place you will end up seeing this person - you really don't have to. Have a mass said elsewhere or just buy a Mass card and a mass will be said for his intention. We didnt attend a 2nd anniversary mass last year as we'd have seen our relative and it really wasn't worth the annoyance of it. So you can remember your brother in your own way, plant a rose bush in your garden for example. But don't put yourself in the same building as her. No need to visit the grave over the few days around his anniversary. No doubt other family members might think it odd but what do you care? You don't need to please anyone else. Look after your own sanity.

Carrie50

This hurt is soo much deeper because the night my brother passed I had gone in the ambulance with him and spent time in the hospital but my dad came in for me and after saying our goodbyes to my brother believeing we wuld see him the nxt morning,we left him with this person,the hospital gave us no indication he was near passing,they hadnt even called a doctor as they did not expect him to pass,but this person told me they lay across him to keep him from moving about as they(the nurses) had a heated blanket on him trying to get his temp up,,while lying across his chest an alarm went off and they had to come with crash cart,do cpr..but he didnt make it..in my brothers inquest he passed from aspiration of stomach contents,smothered..did her actions contribute to this!I firmly believe they did..the hospital told us after they were shocked,they did not expect him to go that night..unfortunately I am the only one this person told about what she did..and my family are too deep in grief to care..so when someone says this person didnt kill my brother his addiction did...I.m not convinced..I can do nothing about this,I asked if there was cctv I. The cubicle that night..there isnt..how do I live with this and looking at this person laughing and getting on with their life,acting like a grieveing widow,flowers on grave,birthdays,anniversarys, no owning what they did...its very difficult..

Carrie50

I shuld add,it wasnt intentional she thought he wuldnt warm up if he didnt keep his arms in the blanket(he had told me he felt hot so he kept them out)but she forced him to keep them in the blanket by laying across his chest,as soon as she got off when alarm went off my brother turned over onto his side as he had probaly wanted to do but culdnt with 16 stone on him..I believe he needed to be sick and culdnt move so he smothered..unfortunately I.m the only one interested in this..I know she didnt mean for it to happen but it did..and I have to live knowing it...

Neyite

Mod,


Carrie, you've had some good advice here, but sometimes the advice we can give on the internet falls short of what a person needs in real life.



You need counselling in real life to deal with this. Nothing we can say on here can do that. You need someone to talk to in depth who has the professional skill to help you -for your own sake. And that's why I need to close this thread and ask you to talk to a professional in real life about this.