Boyfriend left me with bloody nose and mouth

LegacyUser

He has always had a problem with alcohol, he can't just have a few drinks and leave it at that. It ends up being two to three day benders. I work and we have a baby so I am constantly exhausted trying to keep the plates spinning and compensate for what he isn't doing.

Lastnight I asked him a question relating to a rumour I was told and he hit me so hard in the face that my nose bled and my lip was swollen and cut.

I don't know what to do. Or where to start. My heart is still pounding. I got up and went to work but I haven't been able to eat all day. I have vomited twice, I am just so upset and shocked and I don't know where to even begin.

I feel like my life is over. Everything I wanted and planned for. I feel like the worst mother in the world and whether I stay or leave I will be harming my baby.

I honestly wish I could just disappear. My face is sore today, I feel bruised but there's only a cut left on my lip. Otherwise I am okay physically. But mentally I am distraught.

We are together 5 years and in our late 20's.
Please somebody just tell me I will be okay someday and that this sick feeling doesn't last forever. I just don't know what to do or say.

lurker2000

You poor thing, you have had a terrible experience and you so don't deserve it. I don't know if this is the first time this has happened or if by now your bf has apologised and promised never to do it again but you should know that this lashing out and making promises becomes a cycle. Do you want your child to grow up in that environment? If he is willing to address his behaviour and seek help, I would give the relationship a chance for the sake of your baby but if not, you seriously need to decide if staying is the best for you both. Have you got family or close friends who can help you with emotional and physical support ? Seek these people out and don't hide what's happened. You are not to blame and no person deserves to be a punchbag.

Mikenesson

End it now

Stheno

could you contact womens aid?

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

Mrcaramelchoc

He will not Change unless he stops drinking and gets help.i know its a hard thing to do but leave him and leave him now.i promise you he will do this again.hes not worth it no one that does that is.
Best of luck.

Mr. Incognito

1. Tell your parents.
2. Tell his parents
3. Immediately move out.
4. Contact the police
5. Contact a solicitor
6. Tell your friends
7. Block his phone

Personally Id also tell my boss as you will need days off to move.

Do NOT
1. Let him tell you this was your fault. It is not
2. Let him apologise, blame, deflect,
3. Keep this from seeing the light of day.
4. Hide this
5. Stay.

Blaas4life

Stheno wrote: »

could you contact womens aid?

This is good advice.....with a wee kid in tow....can't exactly walk out and into the night like

Conservatory

Leave. He will be bashing the kids next.

road_high

Contact Women’s Aid- they will advise and support you. Both practical and emotional support

Caranica

He's not a boyfriend, he's a bully and an abuser. This may have been the first time he hit you but the emotional abuse of going on benders and abandoning you to be the sole carer of your child is not acceptable either.

Please go to Women's Aid. No second chances, if he'll do it once he'll do it again. Set yourself free, you won't look back.

splinter65

Please tell as many people as you can about this. Your life is in danger. Your baby’s life is in danger. This is how it starts. Yes it’s good for your baby to live with both parents but only if both parents are sane decent people. This baby’s father is a dangerous criminal who could kill you both and sit crying in court that he didn’t know what he was doing because he was drunk.
Even if you think that you don’t deserve any better, do you not think your baby is worth more than this?
Gather up some stuff now, go to a safe place, ring the Gardai. Now.

punisher5112

Contact Garda right away, get out of the house/apartment and get to close family.

Have you brothers or could your dad help you gather your stuff.

Please don't feel like you are alone but get out right away.

No man or woman should hit another.

There are many agency's to help if you have no family to help or friends.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed or whatever this should never happen and now it has you have a responsibility for your child and yourself.

I really hope you take the advice on here and I appreciate easier said then done but please do and look after your child and of course yourself.

Hope things will be better for you.

nthclare

Mrcaramelchoc wrote: »

He will not Change unless he stops drinking and gets help.i know its a hard thing to do but leave him and leave him now.i promise you he will do this again.hes not worth it no one that does that is.
Best of luck.

These guys will never change, the Op will always remember this and fear will be constantly around the corner or hovering over head.

There's plenty of people who stopped drinking, but only got worse when sober.
They stop the physical attack, then it goes psychological...playing games with peoples heads, being moody domineering etc

Like you said leave him, he sounds like he's pulling at her heart strings one minute, then pulling the carpet out from underneath her the next.

One punch from a man to a woman's head can end her life.

RUN

loalae

Please tell someone and get help to leave. Please don't stay with him.

NeonCookies

Please, don't stay. If this was the first time, it won't be the last. It might not happen again tonight, tomorrow or next week. But it will.

And while you're waiting for it to happen again, do want the toxic anticipation of wondering when he'll walk in the door, drunk? Filled with dread about what kind of mood he'll be in? Do you want to be desperately trying to get your child into bed and hoping they stay there sound asleep so they won't witness, or worse, be subject to a drunken father's anger?

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. You didn't deserve it. You sound like a wonderful, hard-working mother. Being able to get up this morning and go to work shows how strong you are. You said in your post that whether you stay or leave you're harming your baby. I can promise you that if you leave, you are making the best decision you could ever make for your child. You will be showing your baby that you are willing to turn your own life upside down to ensure that they grow up in a safe, violence-free home.

Call Women's Aid. Call someone, anyone - your parents, a friend, a sibling - and say these 3 words "He hit me". Tell them, and let them help. If you can't call, send those words in a text. They need to know so they can come and help you. DO NOT tell him what you're doing until that person is with you at the very least, ideally leave when he is not there - this is vital to keep you and your baby safe.

I'm not saying it's easy.. I can't imagine how difficult this will be to do. But I am saying that you are able to do this.

Mikenesson

If you decide to go the guards just make sure you don't go back to him after

You'll end up just another domestic situation if they see you going back and forth and reporting incidents

tayto lover

Once this starts it doesn't stop OP. It actually gets worse as the violence will increase because he got away with it the first time.
Get out and don't even look back.

redshoes15

Alcohol is not to blame for this incident, your partner is. You have a responsibility to the little person in your life to get him/her as far away from this piece of crap as quickly as possible. There should be no second chances. Report the assault to the Gardai and pursue a barring order. Please remember one very important thing, this is not your fault. He has done this once, he will do it again. You control your response to this incident. Don’t let yourself or your little person down. Do the right thing.

Frazer600

It's a very frightening position you are in OP. The future is scary and unsure so sometimes what you are dealing with now seems somehow easier. I guess it's the unknown or change Vs what you know and what's familiar. As much as others advise you to go now there may be a voice in your head comparing yourself to other 'domestic or intimate violence victims'. You might even reason that you are different. It was only once, if so. He may even be so remorseful and full of promises that you dearly want to believe him and stay.
No behaviour of yours warrants him hitting you. Drink cannot be blamed either. It's as plain as that. You have to take steps for your safety. If not then do it for your baby. Life has changed for you, it is your choice now whether you want a peaceful calm one or one where you learn to overlook this punch or the next and maybe even the next. Go to family or a friend. Do not tell him you are going until you have gone. One of the most dangerous times for a woman in a situation like yours is when they are leaving. It may be time you reached down deep and found a strength in yourself that you will look back in wonder at down the road.
As others have advised contact 'Women's Aid. I wish you the best.

irishgirl19

Many years ago I was with someone like this. At first it started when he was drunk only. So he made me believe once he stopped drinking problem would be solved.
He didnt and it got worse and started hitting me when sober..even in front of people. He had no shame.
Get out now because he won't change. IT WILL GET WORSE. I thought I was the only one who understood my ex, because he had me think that. He manipulated me and tried to control every aspect of my life.
I am married to a wonderful man now who loves me and treats me with respect.
Confide in someone you trust and make an escape plan

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

TallGlass

Alot of things said here. Agree with it all, getting out is main thing or getting him out. Contact the Garda, even if useless get this stuff on record, would be my main event.

Also, for anyone else. Even in any direction this is unacceptable. Be it a woman hitting a man, a man hitting a man or a woman hitting a woman that type of relationship, you need to leave.

Uncharted

Leave immediately.

Confide in parents/friends.

Report it to the Gardai.

Ignore all contact from him for at least a month.

This will give you time to assess this sh1tstorm

Do NOT accept apologies.

NEVER go back

splinter65

Uncharted wrote: »

Leave immediately.

Confide in parents/friends.

Report it to the Gardai.

Ignore all contact from him for at least a month.

This will give you time to assess this sh1tstorm

Do NOT accept apologies.

NEVER go back

No direct contact with him ever again. If he wants to see his baby let him go to the district court and tell the judge why a violent alcoholic should be allowed alone time with a defenseless child.

bp

You poor poor thing it must be awful for you

While I wholeheartedly agree with everyone saying report him and leave I understand that this option is very scary for you. How about baby steps.

You have taken the first one by saying it out loud (via boards but it's a start). Maybe next consider calling women's aid as they are there to listen and not judge. Also take photos of the damage to your face and record the incident for when you feel ready to leave/ report him.

None of this is your fault but remember you cannot change him, only he can do that.

Please mind yourself and your baby. You are clearly raising the child pretty much solo so think of the peace of doing what youI are already doing every day without the stress of him too.

Verity.

Your silence since scares me. I hope you've done the right thing for yourself and you child and got out. I've this awful feeling you will forgive him. No he is not sorry. He doesn't love you, you don't hurt people you love. It wasn't just the drink, he's a príck with no real intention of addressing his drink problem. Any changes are temporary, just to get you back on side. It's begun, so do be prepared for rinse and repeat episodes and each one escalating a bit more in terms of violence. You need to end this now. No you don't need him, no you don't need to stay with him for your child. I conned myself with that bullshít for over a decade, please don't make my mistakes. I eventually copped the fúck on and realised he would never ever change. I'm happily married now, and ending it is the best thing I ever did. I've allowed myself to find happiness, and my children are happy now in a stable home. Staying is not always the best option for you and your children, don't bullshít yourself into thinking that your child will be coming from a broken home. The man who is supposed to love and protect you and your child has broken your home already. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Get out. Report him to the Gardai, and obtain a safety order. Tell your parents and family, friends, anyone who can offer you support. Dont answer his calls or texts, it's poison trying to rope you back in. Change yours and your child's future for the right path NOW.

zoe 3619

Been there and done that.please walk away.It doesn't get better.
Talk to the people you're close to.Don't make a secret of it,it's not your fault.
You're baby will be fine.She doesn't care if you're together or apart..Lavish loads of love on her and look after yourself.

TheBoyConor

your boyfriend is a piece of shít thug.

Dump his ass, take pictures of the bruising and cuts. Then contact the gardai and make complaint of assault. Go to womens aid.

You 100% should leave him or kick him out.

Batgurl

OP the one sentence that struck me in your post is that you think you’ll harm your child if you leave.

I grew up watching my father kicking the **** out of my mother on more than one occasion. He would grab her arm and twist it behind her back and push her against the wall. She would cry and beg us to call the parish priest (what good that would do lord knows!). He would hit her. He would throw full plates of dinner against the wall at her head. Eventually, when my older brother got old enough, he moved on to him. Many a bloody nose my brother got from him. And then when I was 13, he threw me on the ground and kicked me in my stomach.

As a child, I would live with a knot in the pit of my stomach wondering what mood he would come home in, as that affected everything. I was an anxious child and I still live with the scars of that.

Do you still think staying is a good idea?

JustAThought

It will not get better. It may abate but a line has been crossed and the fear and threat of violence will always be there for you and always be now an option for him.Real men do not EVER hit their wifes or behave this way. You have now seen something in him that he has kept covered from you before. I sincerely doubt that this is a new once ofc behaviour/action. NOBODY goes around punching $hitting the woman they love in the face - not after a few drinks, not because they have had a bad day, not because they had a few drinks. It is not normal, not acceptable and is unforgivable.
Ring womens aid and ask if they can ask someone to come with you to the gaurds to report it. This does not mean you will automatically have to press charges and have him arrested but there will be a record of it there down to the police station which you absolutely should have. It will help protect you, hour child and God forbid you might find ut helps other people too . This man you thought you knew is not who he was pretending to be and has now revealed the filthy secret he has. He will not change -it will get worse and by letting him off you are only making it harder on yiurself and slowly seting your child up for a life of trauma, upset, underlying violence and fear and progression.
I am so terribly sorry this happened to you and that he is not the man you thought and hoped he was and that the dreams you had for him and the kind of future you wanted to have together are over. You now need to find the bravery and courage that will be so hard for you but will change your future and that of your child. Report him. Leave him. And build a new future for yourself without an agresdive, selfish, violent man by your side traumatising your baby and you.

JustAThought

JustAThought wrote: »

It will not get better. It may abate but a line has been crossed and the fear and threat of violence will always be there for you and always be now an option for him.Real men do not EVER hit their wifes or behave this way. You have now seen something in him that he has kept covered from you before. I sincerely doubt that this is a new once ofc behaviour/action. NOBODY goes around punching $hitting the woman they love in the face - not after a few drinks, not because they have had a bad day, not because they had a few drinks. It is not normal, not acceptable and is unforgivable.
Ring womens aid and ask if they can ask someone to come with you to the gaurds to report it. This does not mean you will automatically have to press charges and have him arrested but there will be a record of it there down to the police station which you absolutely should have. It will help protect you, hour child and God forbid you might find ut helps other people too . This man you thought you knew is not who he was pretending to be and has now revealed the filthy secret he has. He will not change -it will get worse and by letting him off you are only making it harder on yiurself and slowly seting your child up for a life of trauma, upset, underlying violence and fear and progression.
I am so terribly sorry this happened to you and that he is not the man you thought and hoped he was and that the dreams you had for him and the kind of future you wanted to have together are over. You now need to find the bravery and courage that will be so hard for you but will change your future and that of your child. Report him. Leave him. And build a new future for yourself without an agresdive, selfish, violent man by your side traumatising your baby and you.[/quote

Ring 1800 341 900

Womens aid.ie

Horrendous. Domestic Violence.
They also have places women can go for free & dissappear from their oh for a few weeks or months while you have councelling or get help from professionals & help finding accommodation. Its never a good time or easy but they will listen and help you and offer professional help. Give them a call. For your sake, your future and your babies future.

Emme

Leave with your child. Contact Women's Aid and the Gardai. If you have any family who can help you move ask them. When you do go don't let him know because abusers can get more violent when a partner leaves. I would advise you to go as soon as possible. Ideally you and the child would go to stay with a sympathetic friend or family member for a few days "holidays" and take all your stuff when he isn't around.

Good luck.

Neyite

If you stay it will harm your child. Our children learn about life, love, relationships from their parents. It's up to us to model the behaviour we would like to instill in them.

In an abusive relationship, the parents teach their sons by their actions that this is what men do to women and teach their daughters to expect this in a relationship. And so on the cycle continues. My abusive ex told me that his grandfather used to beat up his grandmother until her sons grew up and challenged him, Ex's dad didn't hit his wife, but used coercive control and she was terrified of him. Ex was physically, emotionally, financially abusive to me. By staying it will harm your child. They've an alcoholic, abusive father and no matter what your feelings are leaving is the only way of protecting your child from seeing the abuse and the drinking or becoming a victim of it.

The only way to break the cycle is to leave. I should get shares in this book for all the times I've recommended it here in PI but Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that" is a book you need to get and read as soon as you can. It's a brilliant book.

Women's aid helped me after the first physical attack. I didn't need housing or any help with that but I met someone wonderful to just talk. Even just talking to someone who got it, who gets the kind of headmelt these kind of relationships are, helped so much.

You need to do this in little steps. Today, take two little steps - order/download that book and pick up the phone and arrange to meet someone in women's aid. Maybe tomorrow you will be ready for another step, like the Gardai, or telling your family.

The other thing you need to do is to be very careful - your phone/ online history. The most dangerous time in a relationship like this is when you are planning to leave. Have a think about whether to move in with family or to maybe look into getting him removed from your home (depending on who's name is on the lease /mortgage)

You did not cause this. This is ALL on him but that also means that you can't fix this. Relationships like this can't be fixed unless the perpetrator undertakes years of intensive therapy and even then, the statistics of them genuinely changing are very poor. So either way, the only solution is to leave whether that's sooner or later, but given the severity of the attack you really should leave as soon as you can.

irishgirl19

Neyite wrote:

The only way to break the cycle is to leave. I should get shares in this book for all the times I've recommended it here in PI but Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that" is a book you need to get and read as soon as you can. It's a brilliant book.

I read this book after you recommended it to me! Really opened my eyes. Thank you!
Passed it onto a friend who didn't realize at the time she was being emotionally abused.
Also to touch on the point you made about your ex growing up in a violent household. The same with mine. His father nearly left his mother for dead. He had an awful childhood (which I will say he used to make me feel sorry for him and stay). His mother had a lot of mental health issues when I knew her.
It really is a case of monkey see, monkey do sometimes.

Up Donegal

Get yourself and baby out NOW!!