Is he being a total d**k ?

LegacyUser

With a guy 6 months. We get on like a house on fire. Shared sense of humour and I’ve not had a bad evening in his company. He has a few health problems, nothing too serious but he can be exceptionally tired and feel unwell upon occasion. This has led to him cancelling me last minute on a number of occasions. I have always been quite understanding. However, he also gets rotten hangovers randomly and is not allergic to cancelling me when these occur too. This definitely bothers me more but I’m of the opinion that I’d rather go and do my own thing than have a strop and demand he sees me when he feels like **** for whatever the reason. It’s the way he handles the cancelling that gets my goat, there’s never an on the spot apology. Just a text telling me that he can’t make today as he feels like **** (insert reason here)
The next time I meet him he’ll generally say “sorry about the last time” but at the time it’s dismissive and I feel disrespectful of the fact that I have planned a weekend day around him and can often be left at a loose end when he cancels last minute.
Our sex life is non existent at the moment for the same reason, his sex drive has taken a total nose dive. He assures me that it’s just because of the way he feels and it’s not me. He’s also an awful communicator so when I don’t see him for a week or so I’m at the end of my rope with the curt and abrupt text messages which in no way reflect the person he is in real life. I’ve mentioned the above to him (without making a fuss of the sex which I feel is hugely counter productive) and he has agreed that he has dropped the ball (this convo was after 3 weekends in a row of cancellations for various reasons) Yet a month down the line nothing has changed.
He hasn’t been in a long term relationship in over 10 years so I’m wondering if he’s just used to worrying about himself. I’ve also dabbled with the idea that he’s just not that into me, but he’s forever planning ahead, holidays, concert tickets, mini breaks, he’s quite proactive with all these things.
Apologies for the length, I’m really just looking for opinions.

Big Bag of Chips

There's been talks and promises and plans, yet nothing changes.
So nothing is going to change. He'll never be reliable. People don't tend to change that dramatically. Who he is now is who he will.

You just need to decide if you're happy continuing, knowing that.

punisher5112

Run now.....


Unless you want to take the mother role.


Run.

Loveinapril

6 months in
Cancels frequently with little apology
No sex life
Awful at communicating

It really sounds like too much hardship for such a young relationship.

kweeveen86

No real effort to change since promises were made says it all unfortunately. Probably best to pull the plug now.

zapper55

If he's like this already when you should both be in the honeymoon stage I can't imagine what he'd be like after a year or two.

Also maybe with his health issues drink doesn't agree with him but continously drinking so much that he can't function the next day would have me thinking he doesn't really want to grow up.

wiggle16

Sex and manners aside, 6 months in and you cannot rely on him in the slightest.

This is how he is and it isn't going to change.

Even if he was capable of changing it, why would he? Every time he lets you down, all he has to do is promise it won't happen again and as far as he's concerned you're kept nice and sweet. You say the messages are curt and abrupt but don't reflect the way he is in real life - that is how he is in real life, he's rude to you when he doesn't have to say things to your face.

Either you stick with this for the long haul and accept that you are going to be disappointed over and over again, or you find someone who does appreciate that your time is as important as his.

LolaJJ

I really think you need to communicate what you want and need from a relationship from day 1!

It's understandable to want to be relaxed and easy-going at the start so as not to come across as high-maintenance but in reality, it's not really acceptable for people to continually cancel things last minute. Fair enough once or twice and even if it's down to health issues then there should be some form of making it up to you as it's putting you out and ruining your time.

I'd be very quick to communicate from the beginning "I like you, but here's the list of things that I don't think i can deal with in a relationship..."

Otherwise you get stuck making excuses for someone who maybe doesn't realise the things they are doing are a problem.

If what you are getting from your relationship isn't making you happy or is causing you distress then either try to find a solution or just accept that maybe you guys aren't compatible

heretothere

It doesn't sound too good sorry! If you have talked to him and he promises to change, but doesn't I don't think he ever will.

ginandtonicsky

"10 years since a relationship and maybe just used to thinking about himself..."

No he's just selfish, inconsiderate and not even giving you a good time in the sack. It's been six months, why the hell bother any further? You've got all the information you need to make the right decision for yourself. Don't waste any more of your time on this clown.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. I know he's been suffering with his health and feeling incredibly down about it, which is why I doubted myself a little. The good time in the sack whilst obviously not ideal, is not his fault. He's been at pains to reassure me about that one and obviously it has hit him where it hurts too.

The rest is wholeheartedly his fault. a lot can be accepted if approached properly.
I'm very laid back, but there's a fine line between being laid back and being trampled on. The last minute bull is selfish and disrespectful and hurtful.
I haven't seen him in over a week (down to me this time) so that's given me time to think too

WIZWEB

OP your post is generally all about him! You're a puppet on a string to his whims and he well knows it. Excuse my bluntness but less of these chitchats with him and more actions are needed in my opinion.

Arrange a sit down in a neutral venue. Preferably without alcohol to guide emotions. Tell it like it is. See if he's willing to compromise and offer solutions. Then evidence these by his forthcoming actions or inactions.

If nothing changes or change is short lived then it's time for you to cut all strings and move on.