Recovering from abuse

erica74

Hi all

I've posted here before but I can't find my old thread. I was sexually abused by my brother for a number of years when I was a child. I have blocked out much of my childhood but from what I can gather from my sister, who was also abused, it went on from the age of 6 until I was 8 or 9.

I didn't have a very happy childhood otherwise as my Dad was an alcoholic and my mother has severe mental health problems, for which she has never had treatment.
My Dad wasn't there much because he was always drinking, something I believe he used as a coping mechanism to deal with my mother. He never abused us, he was actually quite a good Dad when he was there but when he was there was rare.
My mother was/is not from this planet. She physically abused us and mentally abused us. To be honest, the mental abuse was more like torture. She was really really horrible. She also didn't feed us, when she did, it was junk food and she would then say you're fat.
So my mother's abuse went on right up until I left home at 18 (I ran out of there the day I finished my leaving cert) and since I left their house, I've visited twice and my parents have visited me once so over the space of 13 years, I've seen them 3 times.

I have been having counselling in the Rape Crisis Centre since September of last year. It's very hard but also feels beneficial. I'm not sure what stage I'm at in my journey. Some weeks I go to counselling and I feel like I'm 6 again and that I'll never climb out of this and then, other weeks, I feel good and hopeful and a bit free. But this goes up and down and loops back around!

My sister and I told our mother last year about our brother abusing us and we also confronted her about her abuse. Her response was essentially to disown us and carry on to the extended family that everything was fine. So, we have cut our mother out of our lives. I am not sure if I ever want a relationship with her. We are also fairly certain that our mother hasn't told our Dad about what's going on because he had never mentioned it to either my sister or I. We are extremely reluctant to tell our Dad because we have a fear that he will either kill our brother (this is something I genuinely have a fear of) or he will go ham on the drink again and kill himself through that.
After our mother disowned us, my sister took the big step and told our brother's wife about the abuse (they have 2 teenage daughters) and, from what we can gather, our brother no longer lives with his wife and children, however, I'm not sure what role he plays in their lives.

I won't go into too much more detail but am happy to answer any questions.
I am looking for some advice.

First - how do I know when counselling should finish? How am I supposed to know when things should be coming to a conclusion with my sessions? After yesterday's session, I feel like I need another year of it but, as I said, some weeks I feel like I'm nearly done.

Second - I really miss my Dad. As I said, he was an alcoholic so wasn't around much when we were children but, when he was around, he was good to us, he brought us places, he was fun, he made us laugh (my mother had no interest in making us laugh or having fun). I would like to spend more time with him, however, he lives about a 4 hour drive from me and, surely, anytime I see him, my mother will also be there. How do I nurture this relationship? If my Dad died in the morning, I would be devastated and inconsolable that I didn't spend more time with him because of my mother and brother but, how do I do this?

Third - how do I have a relationship with my extended family, in particular, aunts, my mother's sisters, who are closer in age to me than they are to her and who I would be in regular contact with. 2 of these aunts know about the abuse but the rest (5 altogether) don't. Now, I wouldn't see the other 5 at all regularly but I'm thinking in terms of family gatherings, like a funeral, where I may meet these people. How do I have cordial conversations or whatever with them without having to disclose the nitty gritty? And how do I fend off "ah sure you're family, you have to get along" type responses if I say "I just don't have a relationship with my mother and/or brother"?

Fourth - in relation to family gatherings and that sort of thing, how do I avoid and/or deal with my mother and/or brother at these family gatherings? I am not one for making a scene or having the focus on me but, at the same time, I wouldn't be comfortable around my brother, nor around my mother. I'm thinking in terms of my Granny being in her late 80s, she's not going to live forever, my Grandma is 90 this year, also, not going to live forever.

I would be so grateful for any advice and help. I have discussed all of the above with my counsellor but I'm trying to get a lot of input just to help me along this process.

I remember I received some very helpful and thoughtful replies to my first thread so thank you to everyone who contributed.
Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note
Hi erica74,

Here is a link to your old thread. I will leave it here so that you can reference the advice offered there too.

erica74

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Mod Note
Hi erica74,

Here is a link to your old thread. I will leave it here so that you can reference the advice offered there too.

Thanks a million.

padser

I often wonder whether counselling is a net positive in these types of situations. IMHO it encourages wallowing in the past and places too high a premium on unreliable memories. For example, you are in many cases relying on your sisters recollection of what happened.

I'd just get out there and live your life. Stop living in the past and start thinking about the present and the future.

Finally; if you want to spend more time with your dad, go spend more time with you dad!!!!!

Bmw123d

padser wrote: »

I often wonder whether counselling is a net positive in these types of situations. IMHO it encourages wallowing in the past and places too high a premium on unreliable memories. For example, you are in many cases relying on your sisters recollection of what happened.

I'd just get out there and live your life. Stop living in the past and start thinking about the present and the future.

Finally; if you want to spend more time with your dad, go spend more time with you dad!!!!!

Hi I’ve myself being through something similar.
I think ur very wrong and I don’t agree with ur attitude it basically says get on with it and move on. What a selfish thing to say. That hurts me even thinking of it. Do u know the pain I’m in the pain I’ve being through. The work I’ve tried to put into this. Sorry but u can stick that response up your #### how absolutely inconsiderate of you.

ahnow

This is the epitome of bad and ignorant advice and is GRAVELY offensive to people-including me who have gone through childhood sexual abuse. Minimising and denying experiences of abuse cause more damage often than the abuse itself and I would encourage you to educate yourself and do some reading and research on sexual abuse before putting up frankly disgusting comments like these.

padser wrote: »

I often wonder whether counselling is a net positive in these types of situations. IMHO it encourages wallowing in the past and places too high a premium on unreliable memories. For example, you are in many cases relying on your sisters recollection of what happened.

I'd just get out there and live your life. Stop living in the past and start thinking about the present and the future.

Finally; if you want to spend more time with your dad, go spend more time with you dad!!!!!

OP, gone through something similar, Im 30 now and have made a lot of progress, didn’t think I’d make it out the other side of my 20’s for many years but counselling and support has been a lifeline in many dark moments, and I’ve gone through really happy and good periods in my life.

One thing that took me a long time to realise and accept is that it will never go away fully, and there is no end point. Treat it like a death, or like living with some sort of unseen condition. When your resources are low, or when you’re experiencing things that might set it off similar to what you experienced when it happened, your world might shrink back to that point, but having the support of counselling, friends, your sister will bring it back up again, it’s how you mind yourself in the mean time, and know that those cycles will never remain, you’ll always come back from it.
Having unsupportive parents, or ones that deny can be the most damaging aspect around it I would say, and I would recommend staying as far away from your mam and brother as possible. I dont know how to advise you in seeing your dad because being around your brother and mam could set you back, it’s toxic to you, and I would honestly say that advice on that would be better sought from your counsellor or someone that knows the nuances of the situation well. If you want to see him, possibly stay in a hotel or hostel near him and arrange to meet him out?

Regarding family gatherings, is it something that adds to your life or causes stress? For myself I’ve cut out that entire side of the extended family because it just was too much, and I live with that quite happily. Sometimes you have to put you and your own safety first.

Bmw123d

ahnow wrote: »

This is the epitome of bad and ignorant advice and is GRAVELY offensive to people-including me who have gone through childhood sexual abuse. Minimising and denying experiences of abuse cause more damage often than the abuse itself and I would encourage you to educate yourself and do some reading and research on sexual abuse before putting up frankly disgusting comments like these.





OP, gone through something similar, Im 30 now and have made a lot of progress, didn’t think I’d make it out the other side of my 20’s for many years but counselling and support has been a lifeline in many dark moments, and I’ve gone through really happy and good periods in my life.

One thing that took me a long time to realise and accept is that it will never go away fully, and there is no end point. Treat it like a death, or like living with some sort of unseen condition. When your resources are low, or when you’re experiencing things that might set it off similar to what you experienced when it happened, your world might shrink back to that point, but having the support of counselling, friends, your sister will bring it back up again, it’s how you mind yourself in the mean time, and know that those cycles will never remain, you’ll always come back from it.
Having unsupportive parents, or ones that deny can be the most damaging aspect around it I would say, and I would recommend staying as far away from your mam and brother as possible. I dont know how to advise you in seeing your dad because being around your brother and mam could set you back, it’s toxic to you, and I would honestly say that advice on that would be better sought from your counsellor or someone that knows the nuances of the situation well. If you want to see him, possibly stay in a hotel or hostel near him and arrange to meet him out?

Regarding family gatherings, is it something that adds to your life or causes stress? For myself I’ve cut out that entire side of the extended family because it just was too much, and I live with that quite happily. Sometimes you have to put you and your own safety first.

Hear hear
It’s a very tough battle and one that I’m not winning at the moment at all. I myself am in a very bad place at present and to such remarks that the other poster has said outrage me. I really really hope that poster doesn’t ever have to or have family that go through what we have.
I’m a male aged 34 and have being dealing with this since I’ve being 7 and as u have said no it doesn’t really ever go away. Mine comes back to haunt me every now and then. I also had to deal with a person close enough to me for telling me to get over it and move past it needless to say I lost it with that person and wouldn’t give them the time of day ever again. The same person also seems to ask me how I’m doing in regards my mental health from time to time knowing how depressed and anxious I am and I alway just say I’m fine would they ever go into it tho knowing two welll ur not ok. They would in there arse.

Well anyways listening to both your stories I sympathise with both of you’d and if I could help out in anyway at all even just for a chat I gladly would could be good for where I’m at also.

Neyite

Mod;


I understand it's an emotive subject, but the rules of the forum still apply:
No personal abuse is tolerated on boards and warrants an instant, permanent siteban.



Bmw123d, I'm giving you a very rare pass here on what I just deleted from your post. But if you do it again, it will result in being permanently banned from Boards.



I'll take this opportunity to also remind everyone that offers to private message posters is forbidden. This is to protect posters that may be vulnerable. This is the internet, and you have no way of knowing if someone really is who they purport to be online.

Bmw123d

Neyite wrote: »

Mod;


I understand it's an emotive subject, but the rules of the forum still apply:
No personal abuse is tolerated on boards and warrants an instant, permanent siteban.



Bmw123d, I'm giving you a very rare pass here on what I just deleted from your post. But if you do it again, it will result in being permanently banned from Boards.



I'll take this opportunity to also remind everyone that offers to private message posters is forbidden. This is to protect posters that may be vulnerable. This is the internet, and you have no way of knowing if someone really is who they purport to be online.

Hi neyite
My apologies totally. Was only offering the pms as a support to the other posters I understand ur point now.
On the other situation of my post I also deeply apologise I was only venting my anger as this runs very deep through my own situation il be sure it doesn’t happen again

Hannibal_Smith

As time moves on relationships evolve in their own right. Our family tree has so many broken branches, children not talking to parents, siblings not talking to each other. I stay totally out of the loop and keep the relationships I enjoy regardless of who gets on with who or who has fallen out with who.

Although I think social media is a scourge, sometimes it can be great for this kind of thing. I am in touch with cousins through Instagram and Facebook. Uncles and aunts I keep in touch with via text. It had taken a long time to build these relationships. But they are slowly happening. It's great that there's not only one phone line in and out of a house. I'm not sure whether your father has a mobile, if you could contact him via that?

Also my relationship with my mother is extremely broken, but I would never let her control the relationship with my dad. Now I walk into the house, if she wants to start on me, I will control whether the row is enough to fight for. Or else I will just walk away. It is completely my decision.

The fracture in your family is quite new and quite raw. It will take time, but you can rebuild a new relationship with family. It will be a better relationship and healthier because you hold the reigns.

I can't say anything about counselling, I guess when you're done you'll know? Presumably it's a door you can always keep open?

erica74

padser wrote: »

I often wonder whether counselling is a net positive in these types of situations. IMHO it encourages wallowing in the past and places too high a premium on unreliable memories. For example, you are in many cases relying on your sisters recollection of what happened.

I'd just get out there and live your life. Stop living in the past and start thinking about the present and the future.

Finally; if you want to spend more time with your dad, go spend more time with you dad!!!!!

I'm not relying on my sister's recollection. I think you've misunderstood me.
When I said

erica74 wrote: »

I have blocked out much of my childhood but from what I can gather from my sister, who was also abused, it went on from the age of 6 until I was 8 or 9.

I meant that I have pieced together the time period based on conversations with my sister and my own memories, the rest of what I recall is all in my own memory bank.

You seem to be saying I should minimise what happened. I spent 25 years minimising what happened to me and that has not helped me and has brought me to where I am now. I am living my life, however, this is something I have to carry around with me everyday, there is no ignoring it.

erica74

To everyone who has replied, thank you so much. Its helpful seeing how other people in a similar situation handle(d) the "fallout". It's all so messy and everything is intertwined and, like you say, it's always with you.

I stupidly thought a day would come when I was "healed" and that, to me, meant I'd no longer think of it all, my mind would be wiped. I mean, that's the dream anyway.
I have discussed this with my counsellor and she has told me that healing isn't the same as a blank memory but, I cling onto that hope because I don't want these memories anymore.
I think I really am a long way off finishing up in counselling then.

There are certain extended family members that I would like to nurture some relationship with but these are some of my mother's sisters and seeing them at a family occasion would almost certainly involve seeing my mother and I do not want a scene anywhere at anything.
I don't do weddings or anything like that but my worry is about any impending funerals, my 2 grandmothers, both of which would involve seeing my mother and my brother.

Anyway, I am really just kind of throwing all of this out into the internet and seeing what comes back. It feels like the longest journey ever but, the bulk of it has only been in the past 9 or so months.
It all seemed so much easier when I just locked everything away in my head but I hated doing that too.
It all seemed so much easier when I started counselling and I thought there was a cure.

ahnow

On the counselling, I’ve gone for a couple of years, then life would be going really great and I’d take a break from it, then go back if I needed it. You’re always going to have this part of your life with you, and sometimes you might need that extra bit of support, it doesn’t mean you’ll need it all the time for the rest of your life, I went for a few years there without needing or wanting any sort of counselling and I’ve been grand, but life has its ups and downs and it’ll always be there if I need to dip into it again, same for yourself.

On funerals and the like, I’ve taken a very strong stance on family gatherings where I unapologetically put myself first now. My entire childhood was dictated to me where I was forced to be near my abuser until he finally died when I was 16, and I decided for myself I would never ever put myself in a situation where I was uncomfortable relating to it again. That goes for funerals on that side of the family, you can reach out to those important to you in other ways, and if you don’t want to or cant explain why you’re not there, feign illness. The person who has passed will not know you’re not at their funeral.

farmchoice

you really have my sympathy, you have a hell of a lot to deal with and fair play to you for all you have achieved so far



can i ask how old your brother was when he carried out the abuse? was he a child himself or is he a lot older than you.

erica74

farmchoice wrote: »

you really have my sympathy, you have a hell of a lot to deal with and fair play to you for all you have achieved so far



can i ask how old your brother was when he carried out the abuse? was he a child himself or is he a lot older than you.

Thanks.

Between abusing my sister and I, he would have been around 12 and it continued until he was around 15, at which time he had his first girlfriend and they stayed together for years, later married and had 2 children and they are now possibly separated, I really don't know.

erica74

ahnow wrote: »

On the counselling, I’ve gone for a couple of years, then life would be going really great and I’d take a break from it, then go back if I needed it. You’re always going to have this part of your life with you, and sometimes you might need that extra bit of support, it doesn’t mean you’ll need it all the time for the rest of your life, I went for a few years there without needing or wanting any sort of counselling and I’ve been grand, but life has its ups and downs and it’ll always be there if I need to dip into it again, same for yourself.

On funerals and the like, I’ve taken a very strong stance on family gatherings where I unapologetically put myself first now. My entire childhood was dictated to me where I was forced to be near my abuser until he finally died when I was 16, and I decided for myself I would never ever put myself in a situation where I was uncomfortable relating to it again. That goes for funerals on that side of the family, you can reach out to those important to you in other ways, and if you don’t want to or cant explain why you’re not there, feign illness. The person who has passed will not know you’re not at their funeral.

I suppose that's true. My sister and I were dictated to, manipulated and ordered around by our mother from as young as I can remember right up to when we left home at 18 so I suppose it's hard to get out of the "having to do something" frame of mind. We were told "do x or y" and if you said you didn't like it or you didn't want to, you were told "you have to" and that made up our whole childhood so it is hard to switch that off.
It's funny, I hadn't really considered that maybe that's why I was worried about attending funerals or whatever, until reading your post.

Like you say, this whole thing kind of ebbs and flows, I can well see myself going back to counselling throughout my life.

It hurts me that 2 people, my mother and brother, still have this grip on my decision making skills.

heretothere

I don't think I have any advice to offer you. I am truly sorry to read your story though, it is not something anyone should have to deal with ever! It sounds like you are very strong and you're living your life. I don't know if there ever will be a point where like a cut you go, yup that's now 100% fully healed but you will get to a place where hopefully you can say that cut is always there but if I apply gentle care and consideration it will be manageable.

Does you dad have a mobile, maybe start calling phone once a month for a catch up to try build the relationship?

erica74

heretothere wrote: »

I don't think I have any advice to offer you. I am truly sorry to read your story though, it is not something anyone should have to deal with ever! It sounds like you are very strong and you're living your life. I don't know if there ever will be a point where like a cut you go, yup that's now 100% fully healed but you will get to a place where hopefully you can say that cut is always there but if I apply gentle care and consideration it will be manageable.

Does you dad have a mobile, maybe start calling phone once a month for a catch up to try build the relationship?

Yeah, that's where I'm at at the moment. When our mother disowned us, I went through a bit of a quiet spell with my Dad. I wasn't sure whether to text him, what he knew, what he might know, what he might ask etc, head going a million miles per hour. However, over the past couple of months, I've been trying to build it back up again.

I just want to say thanks again for all the replies, they have been very helpful and much appreciated.

LegacyUser

'It hurts me that 2 people, my mother and brother, still have this grip on my decision making skills.'

That is something that counselling will help you with. Taking back that power.

And let me add, you sound like a very strong person. I am so sorry that those awful things happened to you. Nothing can undo the past, but keep reminding yourself of all that you have achieved in your life, despite those people.

In relation to the counselling, I can relate to what you are saying to some extent because I was in counselling for a number of years, albeit for a very different reason. Sometimes I would feel, 'that's it, I'm sorted' (for want of a better word) and other times, I felt like I was back to square one.

Because it is a trauma, that you have suffered, and it is to be expected, I suppose, that there will sometimes be two steps forward and one step back. At least that was my experience.

I found the counselling very helpful, and to be honest, I didn't really think very much about when it 'should' finish. I knew it, when the time came, as also did my counsellor. I also know that she is at the other end of a phone, should I need to make another appointment.

I wish you all the very best.

erica74

Nonamenoname wrote: »

'It hurts me that 2 people, my mother and brother, still have this grip on my decision making skills.'

That is something that counselling will help you with. Taking back that power.

And let me add, you sound like a very strong person. I am so sorry that those awful things happened to you. Nothing can undo the past, but keep reminding yourself of all that you have achieved in your life, despite those people.

In relation to the counselling, I can relate to what you are saying to some extent because I was in counselling for a number of years, albeit for a very different reason. Sometimes I would feel, 'that's it, I'm sorted' (for want of a better word) and other times, I felt like I was back to square one.

Because it is a trauma, that you have suffered, and it is to be expected, I suppose, that there will sometimes be two steps forward and one step back. At least that was my experience.

I found the counselling very helpful, and to be honest, I didn't really think very much about when it 'should' finish. I knew it, when the time came, as also did my counsellor. I also know that she is at the other end of a phone, should I need to make another appointment.

I wish you all the very best.

Thanks so much for your reply.

That's exactly how I feel. Just before this week's session, I thought I was finally getting somewhere and then the session this week just knocked me back with so much to think about and sort out. Like you say, one step forward, 2 steps back and maybe a step to the side as well!

LegacyUser

Hi Erica.
Been reading your pain and would like to say that you can and you will come out the other side of the horror you endured.
I too was abused by my brother and I don't need to tell you anything of my pain but I want to tell that you can access the woman he stole from you by realising that is exactly what he did. Your only task now is to believe that behind and under the horrific suffering is the woman you really are .
Drop all thoughts of "he said, she said, he will, she will, he won't , she won't. Get your head around the absolute sickness within a family where abuse occurs and release yourself from the madness of those who lie low and let you carry the pain alone. Please don't see yourself as sick but Sickened. Drop the lot of them. You will never get a sorry . They can't because that they need to stay within the sick set up , only brave people run for the hills. I now have total peace and a lovely fulfilled life as a result of accepting that I was born into a sick home and giving up the struggle. Sleep , sleep and more sleep was my eventual awakening . You owe nobody anything so go to town on self care and rest and you will find a whole new happy woman emerging very slowly . It took 5 years in my case but it is worth the journey. You have to tread boards anyway , you might as well make a soft path for yourself.

I wish you trucks loads of self belief .
R.