Out of the mouth of babes...

LegacyUser

I was sitting down with my 3-year-old daughter and she said in passing that I'm very nice when we're together but that I'm never happy - she used that word - when her mother, myself and she are together.

She's right, but it was painful to hear one so young articulate that. It's disturbing that I could be having that sort of effect on her and I want to sort it out so I'm here for some sort of outside perspective.

We are married almost six years, and together almost 15 years. The first six months with the now 3-year-old were very, very tough on every level. I never felt so unhappy, so imprisoned and restricted. Nothing had prepared me for that change. Not least that we were living with her relatives. For well over two years we lived there but now we have our own place. She feels I wasn't there for her during it - this came out when things came to a head in the past six months. I felt constantly humiliated by being shouted at in front of the child. My wife is an enormous worrier and this incessant worry and drama is a huge contributor to stress.

The latest child, while bringing us great joy, has exacerbated the absence of a connection. We do not have time together, and she does not want to leave the kids with anybody else so we never, ever go out. We're both too tired to go out anyway. Neither of us drink, smoke or do any other drugs or addictions so that's all a blessing, and we both have decent jobs. But the point is there's no time together away from this context where we can grow back together again. To mend things. It's all stress, stress, stress - each and every day. At this stage, it would be more than a day we'd need.

We've had sex once since he was born 18 months ago. We don't touch each other, or rarely do. I feel everything is made much tougher by the way she deals with the kids - e.g. rules that are always changing when the child rebels. Bed times are extended or non-existent and unlike her I need to do work after they go to bed at 9pm or later. I don't have the fúcking energy at that stage - and then I get up to deal with the 18-month-old throughout the night; she tends to look after the 3-year-old who screams until she gets her mother. I hate my life for the first time in my life.

It's hard to know where to start here, but something has to change when the little one is saying it to me.

heretothere

I think you need to speak to your wife about the lack to 'ye' time. I'm not a parent so I know I don't fully understand. But since my niece was born 8 months ago my sister and her husband have had a weekend away with his family, a weekend away with me and my fiance, and a weekend away for themselves. I think ye do need to really try to make time for each other. Do you kiss her before leaving in the morning? Or before bed at night? Little things like that are very important I think anyway.

Mr. Incognito

If you both have decent jobs you can afford to pay a babysitter for one night of the week.

Its important to make time for each other and arrange a weekly or bi-weekly date night.

Get dressed up, check out gigs, make it special and get time where you can be with each other and not just be parents.

Gingermac

When your children are this young, it is tough going. I have been there and myself and my husband both disliked each other intensely at times when our children were this age! But 'this too shall pass', if you can get through this, there are easier times ahead. When your children are older and don't need that intensive work, things become easier. You can start to claw back some time for yourselves and for each other. All advice to get some 'me time' is great, and actually if you can it would be brilliant. I know in our case we couldnt- no family around, lack of money to pay a babysitter AND go out. So we struggled on through. And we came out the other side and we have a very strong relationship because ( in spite?) of that. Yes, if you can, get some me time, but if you can't, hang on. It will get easier!

Whispered

We only have one. Also find it hard to get out so I can imagine having two how much harder that is.

We went through a terribly tough time with our marriage when he was born and I'd say it took us 2 years to find each other again. I tend not to leave our boy with sitters unless he's happy to be left, so my mother and sister really, who live about 45 mins away. As you can imagine, we don't get out much because of that.

One thing that really helps is acknowledging both the need to get away and let the hair down, and the need to get some quality time as partners. So while we don't get out much together, we do get away separately. A few times a week, we make an effort to have a nice night together after the toddler goes to bed, with no tv, dinner together, a drink or two etc. It sounds like nothing but we always have a good evening, just by purposely making that time for each other. Do you, or could you, do something like that?

shesty

We are also in the small.child twilight zone.....no.3 arrived a few weeks ago, and we currently have three under the age of four.VFor a couple more weeks anyway).
It is so bloody hard.So hard.The saving thing for our sanity is that they go to bed at 7.(ok the newborn is hit and miss but he's getting there).We have our evenings, and I think that could be a starting point for you.Could you get your wife to agree that bedtime is set and non-negotiable?It will benefit both you and the kids.The later they stay up, the crazier they get anyway.There's no way they should be going to bed at 9pm.
Also I agree, the time has to be carved out for you both.Your wife is probably very tired and has basically forgotten that you are there too.I will say that when you have two kids demanding from you all day,and then a husband joins in, it feels like everyone wants a piece of you, and there's no space left for just you....and I suppose the husband is the one easiest gotten rid of, in a sense, in those situations, because you're an adult.It's not nice but as a mother it's how it can feel sometimes.
If needed it might be worth attending some counselling?And maybe a parenting course or talk (both of you), if she is having trouble dealing with the kids....if you think it might help.

JMNolan

Few massive red flags

1. felt constantly humiliated by being shouted at in front of the child
2. she does not want to leave the kids with anybody else so we never, ever go out
3. sex once since he was born 18 months ago. We don't touch each other, or rarely do
4. Bed times are extended or non-existent

I've 3 kids myself, one with special needs. If two parents are putting their shoulders to the grindstone it definitely does get better however if I had to guess OP, do you have any input into your kids parenting? I bet not.

You've much bigger problems than will be solved by your wife simply letting her hair down or paying for a babysitter. Those answers are very trite and unhelpful

professore

JMNolan wrote: »

Few massive red flags

1. felt constantly humiliated by being shouted at in front of the child
2. she does not want to leave the kids with anybody else so we never, ever go out
3. sex once since he was born 18 months ago. We don't touch each other, or rarely do
4. Bed times are extended or non-existent

I've 3 kids myself, one with special needs. If two parents are putting their shoulders to the grindstone it definitely does get better however if I had to guess OP, do you have any input into your kids parenting? I bet not.

You've much bigger problems than will be solved by your wife simply letting her hair down or paying for a babysitter. Those answers are very trite and unhelpful

I'd agree with this. The constant drama and control freak nature of your wife is concerning - but your wife screaming at you in front of your daughter is unacceptable.

You do help with the baby but I bet every assistance you give has to be vetted and criticised by your wife. Your wife and you need counselling.

Two kids </= 3 is a huge stress as well as working full time. Your wife could be struggling with PND and before writing her off as a control freak hell-bent on rejecting the partner and his help, that should be ruled out. She might be coping on the surface but drowning underneath.

Talk to her about how she's feeling about things, encourage her to see a doctor if necessary, maybe give each other the chance to get out by yourselves to the pub and rediscover yourselves as individuals and not just a couple or parents before you put the effort into reconnecting. Maybe counselling will help if that doesn't.

Whatever you do, I hope it improves for you but I don't think it's unusual to feel sidelined when kids are that young and need so much attention, especially when you're exhausted and stressed. Good luck.

Malayalam

I suppose you need to unfold all options mentally to their ultimate conclusion.
1. Stay like this, fumble the ball, fight, communicate on the surface level of discontent and grievance, forget how to make love, have an unhappy marriage and vaguely unhappy kids ultimately years and years down the line, a half lived life.
2. Walk away, it might be the truest thing. You will have then the sadness of a split family, the wrangle over innumerable things, the helplessness, the distance, the aggravation, the years and years of challenge it would bring. Even if you find love again, it will still be a narrow path. But maybe that is the option you want, maybe you have fallen out of love and this scene won't work. Own that if this is so.
3. Or make this marriage and family work. Lean into the situation, talk seriously with her, lay it out like you have here in the OP. Listen to her as she lays it out. Try your very best to correct the course.

Small kids would drain the life out of you. The first two years of every child's life is super difficult for parents, it's when I see most couples split. Have another child, it's rinse and repeat. You are in that time zone.
At one point 8 years had elapsed since himself and me had been out together because of children, and worse still when we did go out we had a roaring argument for the whole night. All the pent up stuff. It ain't easy.

But we always talked. If he told me that something I was doing regarding child-rearing bothered him, I took it very seriously, and examined it as the most important thing to look at in my life at that moment. And vice versa. If he said I need more sex, I took that very seriously too. If I told him I need more love/help he took it seriously. You have got to communicate - clearly and calmly and respectfully, once you have sorted out in your own head what you need most to convey.
Then. Let the message sink in too. Say it. Ignore the flare up response if it comes, be calm. Wait a few days. Say it again. Be sincere. This is your life, not some half arsed game. This is her life. There is no better time tomorrow - it's all going on now, the good and the bad. This is real life, trickling away minute by minute, never to be recovered. Be serious with each other. Let your communications have weight, meaning.
To do that you have to decide which option of the 3 outlined above is your true goal. And then aim, fully conscious, for that goal.
Best of luck.