Getting so tired of his ways

LegacyUser

Living with oh for the past year and a half. The first 9 months were great but I'm starting to question who I am now and who I was before I met my partner.

My partner just started college when he moved in.he was/is on the jobseekers I appreciated he was finding a way of bettering himself so said I'd pay the rent while he pays a few bills.
As college was going to be further away i started letting him use my car. As he couldn't get insurance on his own I put him on mine so in the future he can eventually be able to get his own.

Come around Christmas he gave up college as he couldn't reach the requirements of one module which to be fair he could have got if he really wanted to. He has done a short course with something else since then and awaiting documents so he can work in that field (which I again helped him pay for)
Since then I've become more and more stressed about money as we are expecting a baby in August. Im on sick leave at the moment and money is very tight. I can't even pay my car tax and my savings are nearly at 0.
He has finally found a small job to tide us over until he gets a proper stable job/career which he starts in the next few days.
May I also add he is quite clingy and insecure to add to the mix so it's quite hard being with him 24/7 I can never really get any time to be myself or to simply just be..

I can't seem to sleep or be affectionate toward him anymore as I'm way too stressed or upset about money. I can't do anything anymore without him there asking loads of questions and telling me how to feel, it always ends in arguments. I'm always miserable around him and can't relax. Is it pregnancy hormones? Either way I wanted to vent this out perhaps I should appreciate him more.

Mr. Incognito

Your boyfriend is a sponge and you need to cut the apron strings.

If he is not in college or has dropped out tell him to get a job or move out as you cannot afford to subsidise his lifestyle.

I cannot believe you are having a child with this waster.

You might be young if he has just started college so he might be used to Mammy supporting him but he needs to grow the hell up and start providing.

Mikenesson

You'd be better off going it alone as a single parent

Sure isn't it going to be worse with a baby and him being no use

Neyite

It sounds like there's a lot of Mammying you need to do for him. But in a few months, you won't have time for that.



If he's insecure and hogging your time now, he's in for a whole world of a difference once you have a newborn, and he's not going to like it one bit. How do you think he's going to cope with it? Can he put you first from labour onwards?



You do need to consider that carefully because it will be full on with a baby and you need someone to help you, hands on, not someone ineffectual or someone who will complain that they aren't getting a slice of your time as well.


You've a lot of thinking to do over the next while. What do your friends and family think about him?

wiggle16

I wouldn't be so quick to say drop him as the first two posters say - you are having a baby with him after all. But appreciate him more?? You have the patience of a saint already!

What does need to happen is that he needs to cop on and get more real about his responsibilities. A "small job" to tide you over until he gets a job in his chosen career - what do you mean by a "small job"?? Part time? Variable hours? Low paid because it's unskilled?

With you out of work and a baby on the way he should be working all the hours God sends to get a bit of money built up for when the baby comes. If you are struggling now that's not going to get any easier when there's three of you to support.

I think you are beginning to resent him. It's not hormones. You supported him through a college course he didn't finish, paid for another one for him, put a roof over his head, insured him and let him drive a car you can no longer afford to run, and spent your savings in the process. And to show for it, he is working a "small job" and looking for one in his chosen career, all the while you are worrying about the money. That would make anyone resentful and it's likely resulting in your increased awareness of his clingyness and insecurities.

You need to sit down with him as soon as possible and basically tell him to get the finger out. You have done your bit and made sacrifices for him. He needs to do the same - if that means taking a second job for a while, or getting a better paid job in an industry he doesn't like (I have a gut feeling he is or has been choosy about jobs... am I wrong?) until you are in a better position financially and he gets his dream job, so be it. Myself I would see that as an opportunity - perhaps you could frame it that way.
Incidentally, will this chosen career of his pay a decent wage? Or is it just that it's what he wants to do? I'm not saying he has to give up on it for you and I know money isn't everything, but if he is going to have a child to support... then he has to support that child. There is no leeway about that.

Seek advice on budgeting too. You probably should not be running through your savings so quickly just because he has moved in. I don't mean that as a criticism at all; but going from a position where you were able to save, to spending your savings to the point of being unable to run your car, tells me that there is something unsustainable in the mix (and I have an awful feeling it's him).

You also need to tell him how his behaviour is making you feel. You haven't given specific examples of what he actually does so I can't suggest ways to deal with that, but you do need to identify them and tell him out straight how frustrating it is to be second guessed all the time or told how to feel. He may bite back by saying you're trying to change him - don't get dragged down into that argument. He needs to realise how his behaviour is affecting you and that you have done more than your fair share for him.

These are not insurmountable issues at all and if he is good in other ways then I would stick by him, but this status quo isn't sustainable. You have given him a lot and he needs to give back.

BattleCorp

Congratulations on becoming pregnant. Best of luck.

Anyway, here are my thoughts on your situation.

Hipponess wrote: »

Come around Christmas he gave up college as he couldn't reach the requirements of one module which to be fair he could have got if he really wanted to.

It says a lot when he didn't put in the effort to pass college especially when you bent over backwards to support him. He sounds lazy to be honest.

He has done a short course with something else since then and awaiting documents so he can work in that field (which I again helped him pay for)

Nothing stopping him from working in another field to pay the bills while he is waiting to get into his chosen career. With bills to pay, most people don't have the luxury of hanging around waiting to be offered their dream job.

He has finally found a small job to tide us over until he gets a proper stable job/career which he starts in the next few days.

This is a start but he needs to step up more. He needs to get the finger out and get a full-time job or a few part-time jobs.

May I also add he is quite clingy and insecure to add to the mix so it's quite hard being with him 24/7 I can never really get any time to be myself or to simply just be..

If he had a proper job, he wouldn't be around you 24/7. Things might change now that he has a part-time job and you can have time to yourself. You would get even more space if he got a full-time job.

I can't seem to sleep or be affectionate toward him anymore as I'm way too stressed or upset about money. I can't do anything anymore without him there asking loads of questions and telling me how to feel, it always ends in arguments. I'm always miserable around him and can't relax.Is it pregnancy hormones?

It could be the hormones. But more than likely it isn't. I'd resent supporting a partner who didn't bother to pull their weight. Maybe things will start to improve when he starts the new part-time job.

Either way I wanted to vent this out perhaps I should appreciate him more.

I think you appreciate him plenty. It seems like he doesn't appreciate you by not putting contributing enough financially to the relationship.

My advice is to tell him that he needs to step up to the plate. I'd tell him that you've supported him for the past year and a half and that ends now. There is a baby on the way, you are flat broke and things can't continue as they have been.

I'm guessing that if he was working full-time and bringing in money, you would start to feel different towards him. If he isn't willing to do that, then it's curtains for the relationship I'm afraid.

facehugger99

He sounds like a total waster.

You really should have thought a bit more about your future with this guy before having a baby together.

Big Bag of Chips

facehugger99,

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BBoC

LolaJJ

Hey OP!

First off congrats on the pregnancy! It's safe to say, you are probably going to make an excellent mum! But will you have 1 child, or 2!

I think you've probably accidentally slipped in to some form of enabling here. He's getting away with a minimal contribution and probably feels all of the support and security that you are lacking.

Perhaps this big change in your life is the perfect dose of reality and perspective to create some new boundaries. Can you demand that when little one arrives the rent and bills along with household expenses will be split 50/50.

Maybe explain to him that if he doesn't start pulling his weight financially you can't see your relationship moving forward. Also, I think explaining that you need him to be a good father and you want your child to grow up with two strong role models might help.

Either way, best of luck. He will probably feel better to start achieving things by himself too

Verity.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Your boyfriend is a sponge and you need to cut the apron strings.

If he is not in college or has dropped out tell him to get a job or move out as you cannot afford to subsidise his lifestyle.

I cannot believe you are having a child with this waster.

You might be young if he has just started college so he might be used to Mammy supporting him but he needs to grow the hell up and start providing.

All of this, in a nutshell.

You've a baby on the way, and need to plan for the future. If he'd stayed on in college it might have changed my view of him, but he can't even do that. He's a bit of a dreamer I think, and you're funding these phases he's going through. There's no sense of maturity or responsibility about him.

From time to time in a relationship one or the other spouse may have to take the weight of the expenses so the other can better their education and their prospects, which is fine so long as they stick with it and it amounts to something. But you've a baby on the way, I'd be sending him back to his mother's so he can go find himself, but not at your expense. You don't need this dead weight around your neck.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way.

WIZWEB

I had to reread your post as I was ready to go in all guns blazing....

Your partner has finally managed to get himself a job. Very early days but I would suggest giving him one more chance to prove himself while sourcing an income to assist you and your future child. This is also an opportunity for you to gain some space apart. Be careful though that it is not utilised by him to escape responsibilities in joint childcare.

I'm male so couldn't imagine a pregnancy and the stresses of same. I am aware though that hormonal imbalances will affect judgements.

He will show his cards soon enough when the baby is born. If his old activities continue again or reemerge then I would end this relationship if you. I would be having a warning wake-up call conversation very soon though informing him of this outcome in advance of childbirth.