Thoughts, ideas please!

LegacyUser

Could do with some thoughts, similar experience and ideas on this one, please. Regular going anon for this. Feel a bit upset by latest developments on this.

About 6 months ago I ran into a good friend of my ex on a night out. He ended up giving us all a lift home and I invited him in for a drink. I should say I've never fancied this guy or him me ever but I've always liked his personality! So no probs there. The relat with ex ended about a year before and lasted about 6 months. Although he ended things, when things calmed down. as was genuinely very blindsided at the time for various reasons, I realise a LOT was my fault so in a sense it was a 'forced' dumping.I should say no cheating etc involved, just issues I wasn't dealing with. At the time, although I did call him a few times (he'd began distancing himself) I never let him know just much I cared or how hurt I was over the break-up. I did have regrets on an off since as he was a fairly nice guy I liked a lot but I never contacted him after that, as not sure how to approach it all! Not long afterwards I moved away for work. We had no friends in common so no way ex would have known nor for 'professional' reasons am I on FB etc.

Of course the convo with friend eventually turned to my ex, he was now seeing another girl.I'd already heard this from a different source. Having had a few drinks, I told friend I was glad he'd met someone else (not sure why I said this because it wasn't true, but guess I was trying to play it cool!) and to tell him I was sorry things didn't work out between us. I tried to keep the comments 'casual' but I think friend copped on I still held a bit of a torch for ex, albeit a bit heightened that night by the alcohol! He told me when things finished between us, ex was 'a bit down but didn't say much'. Even asked if I was the one who had ended it. He even made a point of telling me it had been off with this new girlfriend for 'quite a while' until recently but he didn't really see it going anywhere. Strangely enough, when I thought about this later, the timing roughly coincided with when I'd literally bumped straight into the same ex ( I know he was still seeing this girl a few weeks prior to this as fad srrn them outwww tog) while out shopping one night a few months earlier when he appeared very surprised to learn I had now moved away from where I used to live. While we chatted briefly, I was the one who ended the convo as had to rush off to meet a relative shortly.. Could be a coincidence but nonetheless this did cross my mind. I rem thinking that night it's a pity I didn't know about it being off with new girl as I'd definitely have contacted him again!

Fast fwd to last week. I should explain firstly that when I moved house, I became friendly with the girl in the flat next-door. Transpired she'd been in my ex's class at uni and now they'd only met professionally a few times since through work. I never told her any of the details about our relationship-just mentioned we'd dated for a while, as per my usual style. Last week they met at a conference and during the break she mentioned she'd met an ex of his. After asking which one, he then appeared to have no recollection of me at all! My first thoughts were he was ashamed of me and I felt awful. Then I remembered he made a point of showing me off to his friends and always appeared quite proud of me. So why on earth would he do this? She just asked me how it finished etc as she didn't quite believe him, either.

I'd really like another chance with this guy, given a lot was my fault but at a total loss to know what I should do? Or if it's worth pursuing at all. I've found that quite often others' exoeriences can be invaluable in situations like this, quite often hitting the nail on the head, so all responses, ideas most welcome!

Lady 1234

At A Loss wrote: »

Could do with some thoughts, similar experience and ideas on this one, please. Regular going anon for this. Feel a bit upset by latest developments on this.

About 6 months ago I ran into a good friend of my ex on a night out. He ended up giving us all a lift home and I invited him in for a drink. I should say I've never fancied this guy or him me ever but I've always liked his personality! So no probs there. The relat with ex ended about a year before and lasted about 6 months. Although he ended things, when things calmed down. as was genuinely very blindsided at the time for various reasons, I realise a LOT was my fault so in a sense it was a 'forced' dumping.I should say no cheating etc involved, just issues I wasn't dealing with. At the time, although I did call him a few times (he'd began distancing himself) I never let him know just much I cared or how hurt I was over the break-up. I did have regrets on an off since as he was a fairly nice guy I liked a lot but I never contacted him after that, as not sure how to approach it all! Not long afterwards I moved away for work. We had no friends in common so no way ex would have known nor for 'professional' reasons am I on FB etc.

Of course the convo with friend eventually turned to my ex, he was now seeing another girl.I'd already heard this from a different source. Having had a few drinks, I told friend I was glad he'd met someone else (not sure why I said this because it wasn't true, but guess I was trying to play it cool!) and to tell him I was sorry things didn't work out between us. I tried to keep the comments 'casual' but I think friend copped on I still held a bit of a torch for ex, albeit a bit heightened that night by the alcohol! He told me when things finished between us, ex was 'a bit down but didn't say much'. Even asked if I was the one who had ended it. He even made a point of telling me it had been off with this new girlfriend for 'quite a while' until recently but he didn't really see it going anywhere. Strangely enough, when I thought about this later, the timing roughly coincided with when I'd literally bumped straight into the same ex ( I know he was still seeing this girl a few weeks prior to this as fad srrn them outwww tog) while out shopping one night a few months earlier when he appeared very surprised to learn I had now moved away from where I used to live. While we chatted briefly, I was the one who ended the convo as had to rush off to meet a relative shortly.. Could be a coincidence but nonetheless this did cross my mind. I rem thinking that night it's a pity I didn't know about it being off with new girl as I'd definitely have contacted him again!

Fast fwd to last week. I should explain firstly that when I moved house, I became friendly with the girl in the flat next-door. Transpired she'd been in my ex's class at uni and now they'd only met professionally a few times since through work. I never told her any of the details about our relationship-just mentioned we'd dated for a while, as per my usual style. Last week they met at a conference and during the break she mentioned she'd met an ex of his. After asking which one, he then appeared to have no recollection of me at all! My first thoughts were he was ashamed of me and I felt awful. Then I remembered he made a point of showing me off to his friends and always appeared quite proud of me. So why on earth would he do this? She just asked me how it finished etc as she didn't quite believe him, either.

I'd really like another chance with this guy, given a lot was my fault but at a total loss to know what I should do? Or if it's worth pursuing at all. I've found that quite often others' exoeriences can be invaluable in situations like this, quite often hitting the nail on the head, so all responses, ideas most welcome!

I would ask him to meet for a coffee and a catch up. You’ll know when you meet him if he’s into you or not.
Also should mention that I wouldn’t arrange a second meeting, I would leave that with him. If he doesn’t then it’s likely he’s moved on.

Mr. Incognito

That is very hard to follow.

I really dont understand what you are asking and no way am I reading it all again.

There's a lot of irrelevant information in that.

You should tidy up the post if you want to get feedback.

I dont know if you fancy your ex or have a crush on some random

LolaJJ

Hard to follow but I think you're saying:

• Your ex dumped you for reasons you think are fair
• You bumped in to your ex's friend who implied your ex was upset when you broke up a year ago.
• Your ex has a new girlfriend and they were off for a while but are now back on but his friend doesn't think it will go anywhere.
• Your neighbour mentioned to your ex that she knew you as one of his exes and he acted as if he didn't remember you.
• You still hold a torch for your ex.

I would't put any value on third party information. The friend will be saying what he believes you want to hear - or what his friend would want him to say.

I also wouldn't place to much on your neighbour's interaction.

You don't know the context of how you were brought up.

He has a girlfriend so it might be inappropriate to contact him right now. You could get ignored or he might be offended at you for doing that. Maybe wait and see if they break up, try move on yourself. I wouldn't respect an ex that came back to me undeterred by the fact that I'm in a relationship.

Calypso Realm

How likely do you think it is the friend will tell him you're still interested? If he does pass it on, then hopefully your ex would get in touch. HOWEVER, this isn't 100% guaranteed (even if he's interested) in all cases where, for instance, there were unresolved issues-which sounds to be the case here-which he might regard as 'unfixable'.

wiggle16

Hi OP

You really need to drop the torch, if I'm honest.

1) his friend will tell you what your ex would want you to hear, what he thinks you want to hear, or what is convenient for him to tell you. Obviously you opened up to him about how you felt after the break up. He is not going to tell you if your ex has been having the time of his life since the moment he left you, that would be mean. It's hearsay.

2) it is strange that he denied knowing you, but you have no way of knowing what actually happened in that conversation. Perhaps she described you in a way he doesn't recognise; perhaps she asked him in front of his girlfriend and he wasn't comfortable talking about you in front of her; maybe you and her have the wrong guy and her friend is not your ex; or even, maybe he is interested in her and wants to make you look cray cray in case you say anything bad about him [my own personal suspicion]. You have NO IDEA how the conversation went, so again, it's just hearsay.

3) he is in a relationship. You should not contact him. He has given no indication that he would want or would appreciate contact from you and if he's in a relationship he would likely not respond. Leave him be.

I don't mean to be unkind, but OP, seriously, LET IT GO.
- You still want him.
- He is with someone else.
- You are contriving reasons to get in touch with him. None of the above gives you any legitimate reason to wonder if he wants you.
- Those reasons are not genuine: you only want to contact him to see if there is still a chance you will get back together.
- He is in a relationship and you have no right to interfere in that (I'm not accusing you of wanting to do that, but dipping your toe to see if an ex in a relationship is still interested in you IS interfering, even if you have good intentions).

As an aside, I do find it VERY strange that your neighbour told you he said he didn't know who you were. If I were in her shoes, and asked an acquaintance if they knew/used to go out with my neighbour, and they denied even knowing you, I would keep it to myself and pretend I'd never brought you up in conversation.
I just can't imagine approaching someone and saying "yeah, remember Barry your "ex"? He says he has no idea who you are." - it's just strange that she told you that AT ALL. Unless you asked her if he had mentioned you... I hope you didn't!

Either way, try to move on and blow out the "torch".
Best of luck and mind yourself OP xxx

LegacyUser

OP here again. Firstly sorry about the post being hard to follow but I was a bit tired when I wrote it. Also I meant to change the order of events! Having read over it again I can see why BUT LolaJJ appears to have captured the main points, thanks for that L! I appreciate all the responses, so thanks again.

OK-Regarding my ex's friend. One thing I've always like about him is that he's fairly direct (bit like myself he sides with issues, not people) and while I fully understand and appreciate what you all have said about the information he volunteered and I've not doubt he didn't reveal all, if for instance ex had confided in him, I never got the impression he was holding back anything he might have believed would help in the long run! For instance I've little doubt he'd have told me if he believed ex had lost all interest. In fact, what stood out to me on the night was the way he made a point of telling me the RL had been off for a while! I honestly never intended asking him about my ex in the first place- it just evolved that way-and part of me was annoyed later that the topic came up, at all although I did in fact say very little. He was, however a bit surprised that after all this time, I still liked ex. This guy is the type who would tell his (any) friend off if he believed he was treating someone badly. In fact, on the night in question he was giving out about one of the one of the friends in the group who had just upped and left his wife and two kids to be with another woman. He left sorry for the wife being left to cope on her own.

Regarding my ex-neighbour, there's no doubt about identity here. It's definitely him. I can see how her telling me he didn't remember me sounds a bit insensitive but she's a really nice (and sensible ) oerson and her take was he definitely did but he was holding back for some reason, hence why she asked how it ended etc She's been engaged now for some time and IMO not his type at all!!

Myself. As noted I wouldn't dream of contacting him while he's seeing someone else, hence the dilemma. On the other hand I've had regrets before only to hear years later I should have done something at the time!! My hunch was correct. I guess I'd just like to express my regrets to him at some point. However, I'm sure his friend will fill him in if necessary, he knows where i live at this point (which he didn't before) so I'll leave it up to him, I guess, if he wants to get in touch!

Many thanks again all!

LegacyUser

Assuming your identity was perfectly clear....

Of course he remembers you, I've no doubt whatsoever of that. He's just playing it cool for whatever reason, most likely your name hit a sore spot and this was his knee-jerk reaction at the time.

I did a similar thing once when an ex I still had feelings for, came up in a conversation. It was my way of dealing with the uncomfortable feelings I had when her name was mentioned. I guess I was trying to give the opposite impression at the time in so that people would think I was well and truly over her.

Sounds to me you two might well have some unfinished business......

Katgurl

Have you moved to his area op? Is there a reason you can't shoot him off a friendly text saying you ran into his friend last week or something then ask him to let you know if he fancies a coffee sometime.

Then just draw a line if he doesn't respond or seek to set up a meeting.

Telly

He pretended he didn’t know you and has a girlfriend. You only dated for 6 months. This is a total non-runner. You need to move on and forget about him like he has with you.

amdublin

Why would you want to get back with someone who denied you to a mutual acquaintance?


Aside from that. It's not clear at all why you want to get back with him at all.


Why do you want to get back with your ex op?

leggo

OP sorry but it sounds like you’re writing a drama in your head and seeing only what you want to see to fit it. He has a girlfriend and he’s denying he even knows you to people. Those aren’t obstacles, they’re nuclear bombs to the drama you’re trying to write.

Case in point you’re only seeing what you want to see: you’re latching onto the fact that his friend told you that things were a bit off with his new gf. But from what I see he didn’t actually say or even nearly imply that his ex missed you, wanted you, would be open to meeting for coffee, anything. You say he’s direct, so if there was anything there, surely he’d directly say it?

Also, if they’re good friends, then consider that everything you said went right back. From there, he didn’t reach out or break up with the girlfriend...instead the situation got worse and the next time you know you were brought up to him, he denied even knowing you (again consider that he’d likely know that would go back to you).

I’ve been a part of when people have tried to write a drama they’re making up in their head with me involved and it’s really annoying. They just lurk and send passive aggressive little ‘messages’ one way or another without directly dealing with it (else that spoils the love story they’re clinging to), or looking at any of the evidence available that doesn’t suit, until you eventually have the awkward situation of having to reject them AGAIN or blocking them. If people want to be with you and you want to be with them, it just happens. Don’t try trick or manipulate them into being so.

Let this one go unless he reaches out OP, you’ve really got nothing to go on and are likely looking a bit like the crazy ex here.

LegacyUser

Unsure how OP can be accused of being a crazy ex since she's made absolutely no contact with the ex, since they broke up. Something he, himself well knows! Apart from a few comments made to the friend, that is the extent of it all....

, while I know nothing about your ex's and your circumstances here and not implying it's for the same reasons at all, this happened a friend of mine once (ex didn't remember her) while at an event we were all at, one night. As it happened, one of our other friends overheard his comments and challenged him about it.

In this case, he was a complete jerk, treated her appallingly in the end by ghosting her after months of dating so was basically scared his reputation would be sullied as a result! Tough as the damage was done at this point. People do talk.

WIZWEB

OP we often forget the reasons why a relationship wasn't working and needed to end. There's at least two in every relationship so no one person deserves all the blame unless there's something more serious involved. It's natural to sometimes miss an ex especially if lonely, others inappropriately bring them up in conversation or the green eyed monster increases their worth by dating others. I don't think your ex deserves this pedestal you're putting them on. Work on your relationship with yourself. Sounds like he's busy elsewhere for now and it might be best to move forward with your life.