No will to live, backstabbing co workers

manonfire9

One of the worst years of my life. I am a 22 year old student who has lost the will to live. I have recently lost my father who was 44 when he died which has affected me greatly, even before his death I was a bit depressed but nowhere near as much. All my life I have planned to join him in expanding his business and work somewhere where I have truly enjoyed. Every summer, I would work for him for free because I have enjoyed working with him so much and I have always looked forward to working again, I helped him build his house as well. He build most of the house with his own hands, everyone I knew, came to him for advice. In his funeral, there was well over 100 people there and many came to pay their respects the days before which I haven't seen since I was in a different country and had to come back and only was back on the day of his burial. Obviously it was the worst day of my life. My life was changed from then, I have lost my mentor, my life goals and had to start again. I live with my mother and I have a stepfather who is an alcoholic, I don't like him, he's useless and does nothing for the family. I really have no advice from anyone anymore, he spent 20 years of his life, building a business from nothing and when it all started to expand, he build his house, finally could buy his dream car, he died.

I've been severely depressed ever since, I have been going to a university and did 3 years already. I don't feel motivated to continue even though I know that I don't have much left, it's not something that I want to do. I wanted to join my fathers business because it was so amazing working with him. I don't know how to move on from this.

Anyway, while going to university, I am also working a very corporate, strict job which makes me even more depressed. In the past 6 months, I had 2 panic attacks and have minor panic attacks almost daily. I was driving a car one time and it just hit me from nowhere, I thought I was having a heart attack so I immediately called an ambulance and was sitting there pulled over waiting for it to arrive.
The position that I am currently working is paid around 3 euro above minimum wage. I am being treated differently for no reason that I know, the job requires wearing a uniform and one of my co workers, has reported me to the higher management which made a huge deal out of this. In the job, you are required to wear a jacket and a shirt with a tie underneath, my co worker has reported me for having my jacket zipped up all the way which made the shirt and tie invisible. He didn't speak to me, he immediately sent an e-mail to the management which have been scolding me ever since. Just the other day the senior manager came over just to check up on me and didn't say hello or anything like that, he immediately said are you looking professional today? You were doing this for the past year? How long have you been working here? It was the first time that I have met him, but he definitely didn't like me and asked me about how long I work because I think that he thought that he could dismiss me without notice if I was on probation. I felt extremely humiliated since he has done it in front of my other co workers at which point, I have started to tremble and became very angry inside. I have never felt so humiliated in my life for such a minor thing. I felt like an ant in front of a giant, it felt like my life is completely meaningless and completely worthless.

My co workers including the managment all seem to come from the same "boys club?" basically they all speak to each other like they are best buddies. I think the co workers are trying to get rid of me by immediately reporting me to the management for very minor things. I have worked 4 jobs by now and I absolutely hated each of them. This job is my favorite but the backstabbing co workers and the management makes every day at work absolutely miserable. I cannot quit because I need the money, I cannot rely on my father or anyone to support me. I need to earn money just to go to my university.

I have started getting headaches and pains all over my body, I am 22 years old but I feel like I am 80 and ready to die. I don't know wherever this is caused by my mental health or I am actually physically sick and have some underlying condition.

All these things building up, have caused me to lose my will to live. I have absolutely no interest in activities that I used to obsessed over. I feel extremely angry inside, hopeless and sad. I wanted to go and literally fight my co worker who has reported me because of the suffering that he has caused me. Just because of a minor mistake, I've been haunted by the management since, threatening to fire me if I don't improve. I got multiple calls from the management and I feel that I am being treated like I have killed someone.
My life is already **** and some people still try to make it even more ****, I've been contemplating suicide at this point. While I am not a believer, I would give so much to be with my father again.

I don't know what to do anymore, how to enjoy life, how to go back to doing the things that I have used to love. How to feel motivated to live. I have no regard for my life or health anymore. Since I was humiliated by the senior manager who drives 181 luxury car, I felt like a nobody who shouldn't even live as I am a burden on everyone.

Richmond Ultra

<SNIP>

Sorry to hear about your feelings. I will give you some advice that might help you.

1) quit your job, it's not doing you any good. You mentioned that you have done three years in university, going by the fact that most courses are four years long, leaving so as to focus on final year is a normal answer, tell the manager that in the exit interview and put it on your CV. It's a valid reason.

2) you mentioned that you are not close to some family members, is there anybody you feel you can talk to that can help you; uncle, aunt cousin etc.

3) I'd recommend going to a GP, just get checked out and see can they do anything to help your panic attacks. Maybe some medication might help.

4) you are 22. You have years ahead of you. In ten years time, you won't even remember the people you worked with back there. They will move on and so will you.

5) get a sheet of paper and write down three things you want to do yourself in the next few weeks; things like climb a mountain, go for a run every day etc. The satisfaction on ticking each goal on completion will help you.

Best of luck.

tea and coffee

You're grieving your dad, which is perfectly normal. I would try and finish college and then you can see about joining his business. Perhaps also look at getting some bereavement counselling.
Oh and quit that job; it sounds awful- and really not what you need right now.
Look after yourself.

Sam Quentin

I wish your colleagues and management could read what I just read.
Then maybe they would let you get on with your job in peace and harmony,.. Your colleagues sound like complete twits who are only interested in their own self worth and career prospects, hopefully management will see through this sneaky immature behaviour and come down hard on them someday also.
Good Luck.
Ps: I wouldn't suggest leaving your job, tho I would suggest speaking with management about your family history and maybe about a bullying aspect towards you from certain colleagues!?

Gwen Cooper

Hi OP,

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this. I have been struggling with depression since my teen years and I know that when it hits, it feels like there's no point to anything.

I also know that eventually it will get better. You may not believe it now. I often don't believe it myself when going through the dark phase. It will get better and you will feel better.

Like the others said, right now you should get some help. If you're not ready to talk to your GP, you can anonymously talk to Samaritans on 116 123. They won't ask you who you are, they will listen.

Another thing I recommend is Pieta House. It's a completely free service, I can't express with words how much they helped me when I was struggling. They have branches all over the country and will work with you tirelessly and not give up on you. They can also get you an appointment to work around your hours. They can't prescribe any medication, however they could talk to your GP about it. <- Not sure if that's their normal service, my therapist there offered it to me when I was afraid them something myself.

Next level would be speaking to your manager about your mental health issues, but I can imagine that this is not always an option.

Whatever you do, talk to someone. It's the most important thing of all when struggling. Look after yourself. Get enough sleep. Don't forget to eat. Stay away from alcohol, I find it's making it worse when you're down.

It's ok not to be ok and you will get through this. Writing this post is a huge step forward as it allowed you to sort your thoughts a little bit and write them down. This means that you're not lost.

Rubberchikken

You're going through so much.
Im sorry about your dads death. I know what its like to lose a parent at a young age and unexpectedly. You were looking forward to doing so much more with him and you need time and support to grieve the hugh loss.
Wirh regards to the job, be on the lookout for a new one.
Co wokers should and for the most part are usually grand. Crappy ones arent worth the bother.
Life is way too short.

Take care of yourself and speak to your doctor if you feel things arent getting easier.

I Am_Not_Ice

OP, please know that you are not worthless and that your life does have value. Right now you're stuck in the grieving process; that, coupled with the stress brought on by your absolutely appalling coworkers, is leading you down a very dark path mentally. My advice would be to reach out to a qualified bereavement counselor as soon as possible. You'd be surprised how beneficial simply talking things through can be. I'd also begin looking out for a new job; you don't need to be around such toxic, despicable people.

Best of luck!

Totes

Hi Op

Very sorry to hear what you are going through.

Please give yourself time (loads of time) to come to terms with your loss, at least 12-18 months before you’ll feel yourself again in my experience.

I agree with other posters re job however if you’re on full time work placement please go on sick leave as opposed to handing in notice - this will allow you breathing space & financial support to help you through this awful time.

I wish you the best.

the_syco

manonfire9 wrote: »

I really have no advice from anyone anymore, he spent 20 years of his life, building a business from nothing and when it all started to expand, he build his house, finally could buy his dream car, he died.

...

I have been going to a university and did 3 years already. I don't feel motivated to continue even though I know that I don't have much left, it's not something that I want to do. I wanted to join my fathers business because it was so amazing working with him. I don't know how to move on from this.

Finish the course. Having it on your resume will allow you access to better jobs.

After you complete your course, consider an apprenticeship in the field that your father worked in. Completing the course will stand to you; it'll show your commitment. Perhaps talk to your fathers friends who do that trade, and ask their opinions on the trade currently.

miss_shadow

It's a tough old world out there and nothing prepares you for a parent passing away. The sheer thought of losing a parent is overwhelming and for your father to be such an influencial rock in your life will leave you needing more help than others to get you through this time. Have you thought about going to a berevement counseller?

And these co workers need to be reported for bullying because that is exactly what it is, keep a diary of everything. Do you have anyone there that you can speak to. HR ? Or someone in management. Nobody deserves that.

spaceHopper

I'm sorry you lost your Dad but also you should be proud of him and that you has such a good relationship with him.

You are young and this is getting on top of you.

Go see a Doctor and explain how you are feeling ask for help. Is the a student medical service in the college.

If you were not properly dessed the correct thing to do would have been for your co worker to tell and give you a chance to correct it. Seniour managment shouldn't be getting involed in this.

If one comes down and starts talking to you like this again in front of your co workers. Politely ask them can we talk in private and start to move away from everybody else. Then say to them that if you have done something wrong you would appreciate them taking you aside so that they can explain it to you in private and not in front of all of your co workers, it might be a miss understanding and it embarrassing for you and as a manager they should know that. Then say nothing else let them talk. Try to end it by saying look you would prefer to be let get on with your job, lets leave it alone and all try to get along better. Then write the whole incident down. That will get them off your back for a while they will be too afraid of a court case or HR. Don't mention bullying or anything like that let them figure that out for themselves and leave then unsure

Money wise, if your dad had a house with a mortgage would his life insurance not pay that off. What happened to his estate do you not inherit something? Can you rend the house out? Can you find out at least you will have some money and might not need to work giving you time to finish college.

lulu1

Such a sad story op

Please get out of that job you will never be happy there.

Try to talk to someone be it friends or doctor

I feel its just the shock of losing your dad that''s making you feel so bad

I have a daughter the same age as you and it would break my heart if she were in your situation

mvl

oh, poor thing. my heart goes out to you.
I lost my mom few years ago (bit older than you are); I know pain can stay with you for a while. At the time, have to say it helped me to get back to work after few weeks.

- good advice to go to the GP and tell them you are having a hard time - maybe you can take some time off from work, with them signing off for it ?
- I wouldn't suggest quitting job yet, if this is a job you liked.
- meanwhile, I would try to identify things that can boost your confidence when working with these snitches (e.g. work on the posture, practice smiling in front of the mirror, breathing exercises; guess you can't dress for confidence if you have a strict dress code).
- if things don't improve in a while, maybe you can start looking for another job elsewhere, and only quit when you have another offer ?!?

Don't give up your dreams: remember that your dad can still inspire you in what you do even when he is gone. I know my mom does.

Carrie50

Please know that it will get better,I have a son ur age,he suffers from depression,know that this will pass,be gentle with urself,grief is soo hard,I lost my beautiful brother,allow urself to grieve but find strenght from ur fathers memory,he would want u to go on,find love build a life and be happy,this life is short and u will see ur father again,but after u have lived..get away from negative people.u sound like an amazing person soo brave to put it all out here..u are just lost right now,keep reaching out..u can get through this.I wish u strenght,peace and love..

manonfire9

Thank you very much everyone for the kind words, your words have genuinely helped me. I fee like the world is falling apart around me but I don't feel like giving up now. I have made a weekly plan on a whiteboard in my home. I have started going back to the gym for the past few days even though I feel tired and would rather sleep and do nothing, I managed to force myself through it and I feel so much better after doing it instead of staying in bed, feeling miserable. I still don't feel 100% like myself but I have started seeing some hope and I hope it will get better soon.
It is very nice to see people like you, who go out of their way to help others. It brings hope to this world and it has definitely helped me because I have felt like everyone in this world hates me or wants to hurt me in one way or other.
I hope to finish college soon and hopefully get a better job and move out of the current toxic environment that I am currently in. Sometimes I feel like I am going to break and tell everyone to **** off in my work and just leave but I still manage to control myself even though I would love to tell them that straight to their face. I keep going because I still have some hope about the future.

Gwen Cooper

Glad to read that things are looking up.

There will still be days when you won't see the point of getting out of bed, and that's ok. The important thing is that you make it through those days and work towards the days that you actually enjoy.

I still believe you would benefit from some sort of therapy, if not talking to your GP, at least contact Pieta House. They do a brilliant job letting you sort your thoughts out.

If anything fails, we're always here on boards and we're happy to talk

Carrie50

Wow..u have made my day..what a strong and courageous person u are..ur dad wuld be so proud of u..we all have tough times some worse than others but not everyone has the strenght to reach out and take steps to help them through,u are a survivor and by taking these steps now u are setting urself up for a great life,there will be nothing life throws at u that u cant overcome.u have shown such courage in the face of adversity,dealing with something as big as losing a parent..wow...I wish u all the best in ur bright future because I know ur courage will be rewarded,,HOPE is a small word for something so big..but sometimes its all we need...Thank u for making MY day.....

LegacyUser

Hey OP, my deepest sympathies for what you're going through at the moment. Just to let you know that I have been in the exact position. Many years ago when I was in university, a friend of mine took his own life. I like you, only found solace in my bed. At the time, I had some resits to do in university. I have to say I will never forget the support I got from a small number of people in a very large university. Anyway, I was contemplating giving up as I had lost interest. Like you, I was in third year. A few friends told me to keep going which I did. During my time there, I was urged to go to the counselling service (something I thought I would never need) and it was the best thing I ever did - I will never forget that feeling coming out after the first consultation and that feeling of freedom - the weight had been taken off my shoulders. For the academic year, I met with my counsellor at least one time per week, more if I needed. Anyway, I got through my degree, not overly happy with the overall result but I did get an honours degree. If I had given up, I wouldn't be where I am now, working in a job I love and a somewhat comfortable life. My advise: Try your best to get back and finish your degree - believe me it will take over your life and even though you will never forget your father, this is will become the mainstay of your life. When faced with work, you just have to do it. Don't ruin the three years hard work you have already completed as someone else pointed out, you will regret it in 10 years. Also, I wouldn't hesitate to leave that job but I would like that you have another job to go into because the solitude and not having to get up for in the morning will only make your depression worse. You could always go on social welfare and volunteer to groups/societies you have an interest in. The best way to overcome this is to get out and talk to people - I know it's easier said than done but I did it and it was the thing that saved me. Also please don't consider taking your own life. The pain that my friend caused to his family and friends was immense. You have the power to change your life and when you do, you will think how mad it would have been to miss out on all this. For the rest of the summer, get out and about, maybe a nice break away, some reading for next year etc. You have a long life to live and things will turn around. Come back in ten years and tell us The very best of luck to you.