Alchol changing our relationship.

lmr34

Hi I could do with some help.

Lately my partners drinking seems to be out of control.  We have recently moved to his home country and it’s been a bit of adjustment.  He used to like his drink and have a few cans during the week and a few more on the weekend.  Since we’ve been here, he has maybe 4 or 5 cans every night during the week and sometimes double or triple that on the weekend.

On the weekend nights he can be very aggressive with me.  It got physical once, and he was very apologetic. However he didn’t cut his drinking back, just got less aggressive.  Whenever he drinks more than normal he becomes quite aggressive in his sleep. I wake up to fists and kicks a lot during the night.

Whenever I try to talk to him about his, either the next day or a few days later, he gets really angry with me.  Accusing me of giving out, or being controlling or just about anything. I really don’t know what to do. I dread going to sleep at night and I am just sore a lot.  He doesn’t seem to want to listen to me. He seems sorry that I am sore but because it’s not him really when he’s asleep he doesn’t seem to think it’s a reason to change.  We are temporarily staying with his mam and I was thinking of talking to her about it as I just can’t continue alone. I am a non drinker and I think this might be colouring the issue as well.  I just don’t know what to do anymore. He doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem and I’m worried that I am just blowing everything out of proportion. He says it’s just one issue or fight after another with me, and I am just worried that I am the problem.  When he is angry and drunk he tells me that I am his one problem, but when he isn’t angry and is sober he is apologetic and says he doesn’t mean the stuff he says when he is angry. I know that talking to his mam might end our relationship and that saddens me, but I think he needs help to see he is hurting himself.

bee06

OP, I remember your previous threads and I normally wouldn’t be one for suggesting this but I think you really need to get away from this guy. Hitting and kicking you in his sleep because he has drunk to much is unacceptable. A normal reaction of a partner in a healthy relationship to hearing this happened would be to apologise repeatedly and give up/cut down drinking to make sure it didn’t happen again, not to get angry at you.

bucketybuck

lmr34 wrote: »

but I think he needs help to see he is hurting himself.

Worry about yourself before worrying about him, that level of drinking is not normal or healthy and you are leaving yourself in the firing line for a lot of anguish.

Get out of that firing line.

Sephiroth_dude

Your partner is an alcoholic, the violence towards you will get worse, Leave immediately, life is too short to be putting up with this crap.

Mr. Incognito

If he is drinking that much every day he is a stonewall alcoholic

get out

nikkibikki

OP protect yourself here. Leave. Contact Women's Aid.

Are you from Ireland and/or have family/friends here? Come back if you do. I think in volatile situations like this, it would be advisable to just up and leave without telling him what you are doing. He is drinking excessively. He is violent. HE is the problem here. I wouldn't have a big chat with him to say you are leaving if that's what you decide to do, write him a letter and maybe one for his mother thanking her for allowing you to stay but state that he has changed, you are afraid for your safety and must leave and that you are also worried about his health/alcohol issues.

A good partner would be extremely upset for hurting you in their sleep.

Sigma Force

lmr34 wrote: »

Hi I could do with some help.

Lately my partners drinking seems to be out of control.  We have recently moved to his home country and it’s been a bit of adjustment.  He used to like his drink and have a few cans during the week and a few more on the weekend.  Since we’ve been here, he has maybe 4 or 5 cans every night during the week and sometimes double or triple that on the weekend.

On the weekend nights he can be very aggressive with me.  It got physical once, and he was very apologetic. However he didn’t cut his drinking back, just got less aggressive.  Whenever he drinks more than normal he becomes quite aggressive in his sleep. I wake up to fists and kicks a lot during the night.

Whenever I try to talk to him about his, either the next day or a few days later, he gets really angry with me.  Accusing me of giving out, or being controlling or just about anything. I really don’t know what to do. I dread going to sleep at night and I am just sore a lot.  He doesn’t seem to want to listen to me. He seems sorry that I am sore but because it’s not him really when he’s asleep he doesn’t seem to think it’s a reason to change.  We are temporarily staying with his mam and I was thinking of talking to her about it as I just can’t continue alone. I am a non drinker and I think this might be colouring the issue as well.  I just don’t know what to do anymore. He doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem and I’m worried that I am just blowing everything out of proportion. He says it’s just one issue or fight after another with me, and I am just worried that I am the problem.  When he is angry and drunk he tells me that I am his one problem, but when he isn’t angry and is sober he is apologetic and says he doesn’t mean the stuff he says when he is angry. I know that talking to his mam might end our relationship and that saddens me, but I think he needs help to see he is hurting himself.

Speaking from experience here, it is NOT your fault. There is actually nothing you can do to stop him drinking. The trick is to change your own behaviour and not to get sucked any further into his world. By that I mean start putting yourself first. If you can't leave which may it may not be a wake up call for him and maybe you don't want to give up on him the other alternative is you go to your gp first. Talk to them about your anxieties, find out from them where your local AL ANON group is and start going. Even if you feel weird about it it's a good first step. You will hear so many stories that could be identical to yours. You will get support and honesty. I would highly recommend a suppprt worker if you have one in your area that does family support they can help you one on one and guide you through the steps you need to take. Once he sees you're serious and you're living your life and looking after yourself his behaviour could change. It's not easy but the more time you give him, the more you enable him the worse it will get. It's like tough love for him and for yourself. It's not an easy process but it's very doable and there is a lot to learn that will help equippe you to deal with the issues that come up. Feel free to pm me if you want to. The last few years with my OH were he'll, his health was fading and he'd been through the mill but it was only when I changed my own ways and got help for myself first was when he started to change. I was a basket case and became as ill as he was with the stress of it but when I found a fantastic support worker that's when things changed rapidly. Although at the time it felt like forever. He never had the right support or advice, none of his previous relationships were healthy mainly because of his drinking but also because they tolerated it. He is a year sober tomorrow and after a few stops and starts and three months in rehab he is doing great. I'm not saying it was easy and rehab was and had to be his choice he said he had decided in January but it took him till June to be mentally prepared for it. There is a process where they can slip back to drinking and it takes a while or years even for it to click with them that they can't just have the one. There's so much more to it than that. But as I said you can't help him until you get yourself sorted and feeling better. There's no point in you falling to pieces and having your life ruined by his drinking because you won't be able to help anyone at that stage. Put yourself first and things will work out for you

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LushiousLips

This is not going to end well for you OP unless you leave. Life is too short, nobody deserves to be treated like this. Get out while you can. Best of luck xx

metamorphosis

OP

Like a previous poster said, please get yourself to either Al Anon or CoDa meetings, there is bound to be one of the two near your location.

None of this is you, and you cant and never will be able to fix him or make him better. By continuing to stay and not establish ANY boundary (let alone follow through on a boundary), you are enabling his behavior and enabling his addiction. The hardest thing to do is get out, but it is the best thing - for your sanity and perhaps for him to address his addiction.

JustAThought

So he has isolated you away from your friends in the middle of nowhere with no support system. You are living with his mother & are afraid of him at night after he drinks. His drinking has got worse and despite you saying it to him there is no improvement. Im struggling to see what is in this for you? Just pack your bags and leave. Leave the mom a nice letter thanking her for welciming you into her home but outlining what you said here. There may have been domestic violence at home in the past or family drink issues . You absolutely deseeve better. Moving in with a person can show them up in an entirely new way. You are now seeing a side and selfishnesd of him you never saw before. A life of drink and violence and being frightened at night and slave to.his selfishness and drinking lies ahead. This is the sign of what is to come. He is not the man you want him to be nor the man you thought he was. You are entitled to a life of love and happiness and happy times and positive dreams. Pack your bags and go. If he promises to reform do not move back in with him -rent your own place and see. But he will not show you the violence and heavy drinking -he will hide it from you like he did before. You need to be brave and take your things and leave. Your life beckons. Your dreams. Your safety and happiness. You deserve better & need yo expect better -and take back what he has stolen from you - your sense of safety, your peace and your dreams.