Confidence at rock bottom after break up

LegacyUser

Hi all. I'm a thirty year old female and I said I'd post here as my problem sounds so pathetic I don't feel I can share with friends.
In the middle of last year I met a guy on a random night out. I'm not someone who says it lightly but we clicked straight away. He worked in the UK but his job allowed him lots of time off and luckily mine did too. I was hesitant at the beginning due to the distance and even though we had some dates while he was home for that period, I was trying not to let myself like him even though I knew I did. When he went back to work we kept in contact through texting and phone calls three or four times a week. He invited me over to see him on my next time off which I did. We spent 5 days together and got on really well. He was so kind, funny and things just felt right. At that point he was due to have time off work again in three weeks so he came home. We spent lots of time together and he asked could we make things official between us. A few weeks later I visited him for his birthday for a weekend. Things were really great between us. He said he was really happy and even though the distance was hard, it was worth it when things were so good between us. At this point he had three months left in his contract over there and was beginning to look up jobs at home. Our home places are less than half an hour from each other and he spoke about really looking forward to doing simple things like a random Sunday drive, or trying out a new restaurant as it would be so much easier when we live so close.
He came home once in that three months for five days and we went away for two nights. At this point I had totally fallen for him. Two weeks after he went back, he went through something at work. It was something that could affect his chances of getting a job in the future and at the time he was really shook up about it. It was going to involve a meeting with managers, HR etc and he was in bits as he felt he was completely innocent in all of this. So all through that week he was sick with worry over what might happen and I was trying my best to be there for him and be supportive. He was due home that weekend for a family christening and had said he wasn't telling anybody in his family. I felt it was weird that he never texted me at all that Friday and never replied to my message telling him to have safe flight home. Long story short I texted him on the Saturday and he basically told me he couldn't do it anymore and not to come to the Christening. I was in shock and said is that it, can we not meet up to talk at some point over the weekend. He replied there's nothing to say. And that was it.

I texted him the morning before he was going back and said I wasn't going to argue with him or try change his mind, I wasn't going to force anyone to be with me but the shock of the whole thing had hit me hard and I would appreciate a face to face chat so he could maybe explain what had changed or even show some courtesy. He never replied to that message and I haven't heard from him since. This all happened over six months ago now.

My issue is with how much this has affected me. It has been some kind of a pattern with guys that we have the four or five dates and they stop texting as much as before or don't seem to make plans to meet up but they don't end things either. It normally ends up in me saying there is no point to this anymore if someone doesn't want to meet up or won't make plans so I just wish them well and move on. I guess between that and the situation I have describe above, I have completely lost my confidence in every aspect of my life. I feel that there is something horrible or really annoying/off putting about me. I also feel like an eejit for not copping onto my ex but there generally was no signs, we were still getting on great until the week of his work issue. He even asked me to go on holidays with him in January and he had booked accommodation for us and we were due to book flights when he came home that weekend. I don't think I miss him that much really. The feelings of sadness come from how I was treated so coldly. I have become almost paranoid that there is something awful about me and I've found myself stepping back from some friends. The last time I met up with friends they asked if I was ok as I was really quiet when normally I'm really chatty. I lied and said I was sick, rather than tell them that anytime I meet up with them now I go home and think if there was anything wrong I said or did I come across as a horrible person.

I was also hoping to change jobs and I cancelled the one interview I was called for as I felt they wouldn't see anything in me. This all sounds so dramatic but it's genuinely how I feel. I think that there is this big aspect of my personality that nobody likes and that I'm not self aware enough to figure it out. If anyone has been through something similar I'd appreciate thoughts/views or any words of wisdom. Thanks for reading.

LLMMLL

I’d wager the issue is not with you at all OP. There’s countless threads about guys who are full on at the start, make lots of plans etc. And then just disappear.

I also do wonder about this issue at work which seems so serious that it would affect his chances of getting a job in the future.

Obviously I don’t know him and he could be relatively decent (I don’t think it was decent to completely blank you after breaking up with you but at least he broke up with you in an upfront manner) but the truth is you didn’t know him that well either. All the stuff that he says he’s innocent of at work could be true. All the plans and pursuing could have been hot air.

There’s a good chance this had nothing to do with you. And if it did have something to do with you it is most likely just that he didn’t feel you were compatible. It happens to everyone and doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

I think it’s very unlikely there’s something majorly off putting about your personality. Your post seems self aware, considerate, and thoughtful.

The main thing for me though is your reluctance to confide in friends, even when they’ve noted something is wrong and are concerned.

Friends are not just for fun and major crises. They’re also there to listen to the less serious issues such as breakups of short term relationships. Confiding in them will massively help (in my opinion). I would heavily advise meeting with one of them and confiding very soon.

Augme

There's no bigger turn off than a lack of confidence. Sounds like counselling is your best bet if you can't figure it out yourself.

LegacyUser

Op here. I found it really hard to write that post as it was so difficult to express how I'm feeling as I've tried telling myself to cop on and that I'm only imagining it all but it really has affected me.

It's not the missing him or what we had as I'd never have tried to convince someone to be with me and I was very straight about telling him that. It's the way it ended that has just made me question every little aspect of my personality. I've started doing more things on my own as I think somewhere in my head I've begun to feel that this awful trait that I might have is putting people off me. There is anger, shame, hurt and all sorts of emotions there and they don't seem to be getting any easier to deal with. I have actually told some friends that if I am ever seeing a guy again to not tell any acquaintances or people I know through them as I feel very embarrassed when they ask me how things are going and I just say it's over or it didn't work out.

As regards dating anyone else, I don't see when I will be able to take that step and I have no clue where the confidence comes from or how one gets it to be able to deal with the ups and downs of dating these days. At the moment I think it would leave my confidence in a worse state altogether.