We've destroyed our relationship-what now

LegacyUser

I have a young family and am devastated that myself and my partner have without doubt destroyed our relationship beyond repair. partner is a kind, loving, intelligent, funny and attractive person, has so many positive qualities, tbh I know deep down I will never meet anyone that even comes close.

We have had ups and downs like all relationships but in the last year we have had a lot of external stress factors that have put a huge amount of strain on our relationship. We also didn't make time to nurture our relationship.

The same arguments have resurfaced over and over. I feel unloved, lonely, overwhelmed, frustrated and taken for granted most of the time. He feels nagged, put down, criticised and frustrated. We argue non stop and can't go for more than a few hours without an argument now:(

In past arguments extremely hurtful things to each other in past arguments and some of them I can't move on from. Certain things were said to me in the heat of the moment about our personal relationship and I couldn't shake them e.g. I never talk about interesting things, I can't make them laugh, I just don't get their sense of humour, We have nothing in common to talk about, I can't make them laugh. ouch. These things were said to me a few times in arguments and had a detrimental affect on how I interacted with partner, I began over thinking conversations, questioning if they were bored in my company, felt paranoid even relaxing with them incase they were bored.etc

We have lost all respect and attraction for each other and have spent what should be the happiest time of our lives fighting and arguing:( kids milestones have been overshadowed with fights, conflict and arguments.It has been extremely stressful on both of us not to mention depressing and draining of our energy.

I feel so lonely and sad for what this relationship used to be and what it could have been. I feel sad that special little moments with my family are not shared with my partner. The same fights resurface constantly, more frequently and more quickly and intensely.

Is there any way to resolve a relationship when it gets this bad or am I best grieving what we used to have and try to move on with my life. Is this done or is there ANYTHING that can help rebuild things to what they once were.

thank you for reading.

Neyite

You've got kids so I think you owe it to them to do some relationship counselling to see if you can get back on track before walking away. You still have feelings for your partner and it seems that they might have for you too?

It sounds to me like you've both gotten into destructive methods of arguments. All couples argue - the trick is to discuss it in a constructive way, and that's not always something that comes instinctively to people, especially if their parents had particularly destructive fighting methods. But arguing healthily ( in a way that doesn't damage your relationship) is something that can be learned and improved upon.

Even if it's worse case scenario and counselling doesn't fix your issues or it's too far gone for repair, counselling can help you both manage the exit out of the relationship (and how it affects children in the middle) in a better way.

So either way, I'd suggest you look into relationship counselling- even go on your own initially if you need to.

redfox123

Well the obvious one is relationship counselling, especially if it's the same arguments happening again and again. You both need a mediator who will give you strategies and steps to take in order to avoid these rows and communicate effectively instead. You're in a bad cycle where each has a way of being that is negatively affecting the other and this dynamic has been set so in this case a third party is needed to interject and can begin to disrupt and change the pattern.
New habits take time to stick and with work on both sides there's no reason this can't be fixed. But only if both are on board and can admit they both contribute to the fights and are committed to moving towards a better partnership.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Never lose hope.
This relationship can be fixed.
As both posters have said above, the obvious route is relationship counselling.
It's a tough path to take as not everybody is open to the concept, and it takes BOTH parties to commit to the process.

Speaking as someone who has gone through the gates of hell when my relationship broke down, and (under slightly different circumstances to you) with my marriage in tatters, we agreed that we needed to take action.

It initially took about three sessions to realise our issues, and now, 10 months, and 7 scheduled appointments later, we are a more connected, loving and aware couple.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person sitting in a room talking about my relationship and how to save it, but each hour sitting, talking AND LISTENING in the company of a completely unbiased relationship expert, made me realise that ANY issue can be overcome if you're both willing to work at it.

For the sake of your sanity, your own health, and your partners.....not to mention your kids, at least consider it.
Try it for 3 sessions (no real point in going just once) and after that, decide for yourself.
Best of luck OP, sincerely......

heretothere

Have you tried to speak honestly and openly with your partner? In a calm situation not during the heat of the argument. It does sound like you do still love him, so you owe it to yourself to see if there is anything still there.