Lost I life

Lostandscared

My situation is that I'm not happy no matter what nothing seems to be enough for me.
In recent times me and my long term partner split, I've fallen out with friends. I feel completely alone in the world and don't see how things will ever be better.
The only thing that makes me happy is travel. I'm considering packing it all in and moving away on my own. I've lived abroad before though and while I loved it there was also massive negatives to it. It's like no matter what I am never happy. I always want something different. I don't know where my life is going. I'm lonely and by myself in this world and nothing seems to change. I've tried make friends, joined groups etc and nothing ever comes from it. I find most people irritate me or disrespect me. No one ever seems to care much for me and everyone leaves eventually so what's the point trying.

I don't even know what advice I'm looking for

edit: title should be "lost in life"

GingerLily

Why did you fight with your friends? Why did you split up with your OH? Why do other people irritate you?

Moving away will not fix these issues, you need to understand what's going on or you'll just be in the same situation in another country.

Lostandscared

GingerLily wrote: »

Why did you fight with your friends? Why did you split up with your OH? Why do other people irritate you?

Moving away will not fix these issues, you need to understand what's going on or you'll just be in the same situation in another country.

9 year relationship ended because he wasn't mature enough to be an adult and he drank heavily.
Friend fell out with me because we disagreed on how I was coping with the break up.

Sam Quentin

You love travel. That's great.
I have a feeling that you like discovering stuff, being out and about etc. Maybe you should start hill walking, hiking or just going for long walks, it's like a smaller version of 'travel' and it's so good for the mind, body and soul.
Also I think now that your away from that soul destroying alcoholic(because that's what drunks do to their nearest and 'dearest')well I think small things like regular walks will start to make you feel happy and content again.
Ps: You do know it's perfectly acceptable to be very happy in your own company.

Lostandscared

Sam Quentin wrote: »

You love travel. That's great.
I have a feeling that you like discovering stuff, being out and about etc. Maybe you should start hill walking, hiking or just going for long walks, it's like a smaller version of 'travel' and it's so good for the mind, body and soul.
Also I think now that your away from that soul destroying alcoholic(because that's what drunks do to their nearest and 'dearest')well I think small things like regular walks will start to make you feel happy and content again.
Ps: You do know it's perfectly acceptable to be very happy in your own company.

That's a thought I'm struggling with. Being happy alone. Everyone I know is settled, in relationships, have kids etc etc I feel like I'm behind and like they all pity me being alone

GingerLily

Lostandscared wrote: »

9 year relationship ended because he wasn't mature enough to be an adult and he drank heavily.
Friend fell out with me because we disagreed on how I was coping with the break up.

Why did they disagree with you? What did you do to cope? Have you tried to reach out to them again?

Lostandscared

GingerLily wrote: »

Why did they disagree with you? What did you do to cope? Have you tried to reach out to them again?

She said I was to cut him off completely. Move out losing my deposit and get on with my life

I can't cut him off because we have a mortgage to sort. I need my deposit and I need time to grieve. You can't just get on with your life.
She's the type that will cut you off if she doesn't like your opinion she's cut people because of there referendum views. I just can't handle the rejection for nothing

GingerLily

Lostandscared wrote: »

She said I was to cut him off completely. Move out losing my deposit and get on with my life

I can't cut him off because we have a mortgage to sort. I need my deposit and I need time to grieve. You can't just get on with your life.
She's the type that will cut you off if she doesn't like your opinion she's cut people because of there referendum views. I just can't handle the rejection for nothing

Do you have no other friends?

Why do other people irritate you?

Your initial post points to you being the problem, it doesnt seem as clear cut at this stage...

Lostandscared

GingerLily wrote: »

Do you have no other friends?

Why do other people irritate you?

Your initial post points to you being the problem, it doesnt seem as clear cut at this stage...

I've other friends who are down the country. Married. Settled. See them every few months but they aren't friends I get to socialise with.

People irritate me for the reason I've given about that friend. People are so difficult. People are disrespectful and all about themselves. I find it hard to mix with people who are high maintenance and always suiting themselves. It makes me really angry when someone lets me down or cancels plans, when people are late, when people are rude. All those thing irritate me.

GingerLily

Lostandscared wrote: »

I've other friends who are down the country. Married. Settled. See them every few months but they aren't friends I get to socialise with.

People irritate me for the reason I've given about that friend. People are so difficult. People are disrespectful and all about themselves. I find it hard to mix with people who are high maintenance and always suiting themselves. It makes me really angry when someone lets me down or cancels plans, when people are late, when people are rude. All those thing irritate me.

But how do you expect to make friends if you find everyone irritating? Don't you see this all implies the issue is with you?
Ive no doubt your ex and friend were the issue in those situations, but your writing everyone else off too soon it seems.

The older I get the more relaxed expectations I have for other people, and I'm so much happier for it, life is so much easier if you don't let things get to you.

Lostandscared

GingerLily wrote: »

But how do you expect to make friends if you find everyone irritating? Don't you see this all implies the issue is with you?
Ive no doubt your ex and friend were the issue in those situations, but your writing everyone else off too soon it seems.

The older I get the more relaxed expectations I have for other people, and I'm so much happier for it, life is so much easier if you don't let things get to you.

I don't doubt I have some issues. I'm not denying that. But everytime I become friends with someone they ghost me, cut me off, disrespect me etc etc that I don't even see the point in trying anymore. They will cancel plans, be flakey, inconsiderate I can't handle it. It kills my confidence

Sam Quentin

Lostandscared wrote: »

That's a thought I'm struggling with. Being happy alone. Everyone I know is settled, in relationships, have kids etc etc I feel like I'm behind and like they all pity me being alone

You think they pity you being alone!?
So you've been in a 9yr relationship with a drunk, and your getting the 'vibe' that some of these so called friends are now willing you to find someone new and settle asap.... lol
You just do your own thing and don't worry about what these guys think of you, and if any of them have the disrespect or cheek to mention wether "have you found a man yet" type of crap!? Just tell them your quite content doing your own thing for now, but thanks for your concern and just laugh.. Separation/divorce is huge in Ireland, UK and the whole of Europe. There's a good chance some of your 'concerned' pals will be in that category within the next few years..
Go enjoy your life.

5rtytry56

Sam Quentin wrote: »

You think they pity you being alone!?.

Probably they do.

Sam Quentin wrote: »

There's a good chance some of your 'concerned' pals will be in that category within the next few years..

Probably They Will!

[/QUOTE]




So, as Sam rightly says -

Sam Quentin wrote: »

Go enjoy your life.

And Get On With It.

GingerLily

Lostandscared wrote: »

I don't doubt I have some issues. I'm not denying that. But everytime I become friends with someone they ghost me, cut me off, disrespect me etc etc that I don't even see the point in trying anymore. They will cancel plans, be flakey, inconsiderate I can't handle it. It kills my confidence

I think you need to talk to a professional so you can understand what is going on. What exactly are people doing to disrespect you?

If you find that everyone is rude and disrespectful it's probably you and not them.

Lostandscared

It's like no one cares enough for me to respect me.
Partner had no problem leaving me.
Friends have no problem losing me.
I'm no loss to anyone.

GingerLily

Lostandscared wrote: »

It's like no one cares enough for me to respect me.
Partner had no problem leaving me.
Friends have no problem losing me.
I'm no loss to anyone.

Yes but why? There's a reason for this, some of the time it will be because the other person, but if its everyone then the common denominator is you.

Lostandscared

GingerLily wrote: »

Yes but why? There's a reason for this, some of the time it will be because the other person, but if its everyone then the common denominator is you.

Maybe it is me. Maybe they're all better off without me.

GingerLily

Lostandscared wrote: »

Maybe it is me. Maybe they're all better off without me.

Or maybe you could change your attitude and make a fresh start?

Can you talk to a therapist?

Lostandscared

GingerLily wrote: »

Or maybe you could change your attitude and make a fresh start?

Can you talk to a therapist?

I have talked to a therapist. I've never ever done a bad thing to anyone. I've been hurt over and over and even then I can't hurt anyone. I'm reliable, loyal, helpful, considerate, kind and yet people don't care if I'm in their lives or not.

GingerLily

Lostandscared wrote: »

I have talked to a therapist. I've never ever done a bad thing to anyone. I've been hurt over and over and even then I can't hurt anyone. I'm reliable, loyal, helpful, considerate, kind and yet people don't care if I'm in their lives or not.

Try a new therapist because they obviously weren't able to help you.

It sounds like you are picking the wrong people to trust, and coming on too strong. Would you call yourself independent?

NinetyTwoTeam

You might want to check out Al-Anon's online material, or even a local meeting. It's a support group for family/spouses exes of people with drinking problems. They are very supportive and will have tools to deal with the emotions and things you are dealing with, they've been there. Being in a relationship with a drunk is draining, traumatic and difficult to understand if you haven't been in one, which is why your friend isn't much help.

Learning to accept the things you cannot change while gathering the courage to change the things you can is the key, and something that helped me not only with drinking but every area of life.

You don't have to get all into the Higher Power stuff if you don't want, but it sounds like you want some kind, understanding people to listen to you, and just as important, you listen to them and gain insight and identification with their stories and you can find that there if you wish. It doesn't cost anything and you will be accepted, you can go to as many or few meetings as you want. I really recommend it as it will both help you deal with the break up and meet some supportive people.

As you get older and people get settled it can feel just like you are - lonely, left behind, etc. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself. If you're irritated by someone you are making two choices that you don't have to make - you are choosing to be irritated, and you are choosing to be around people who irritate you. Which right now is everyone. But that will pass. Everything does.

If you would rather be alone right now then that's fine. I'm like that at times. I was in an abusive relationship and we lived together and I stayed way longer than I should have due to silly reasons like money just like you. Finally I cut sticks and had to move home to my mothers at 35. Took me a long time to get over but if I hadn't made the decision that day I might still be there getting the head slapped off me.

If you are angry inside, you tend to attract other angry people or irritating people. If you look for the bad in people you will find it, same with the good.

Lostandscared

GingerLily wrote: »

Try a new therapist because they obviously weren't able to help you.

It sounds like you are picking the wrong people to trust, and coming on too strong. Would you call yourself independent?

I'm very independent. I've lived alone. I've travelled across the world alone. But I like company also

Neyite

Lostandscared wrote: »

I have talked to a therapist. I've never ever done a bad thing to anyone. I've been hurt over and over and even then I can't hurt anyone. I'm reliable, loyal, helpful, considerate, kind and yet people don't care if I'm in their lives or not.

You've made the classic mistake in thinking that because you treat others well, they will treat you well.



It rarely works out in practice, especially if you are a people-pleaser and they are just one of life's selfish gougers. They will continue to take and you continue to give until you don't have what they want any more and then they are done with you.


But by working on your self esteem you will get to learn who to trust, and focus that kindness and loyalty on one who is kind and loyal back. Keep talking to the therapist. It will help you even if you don't see anything changing immediately.

Lostandscared

Neyite wrote: »

You've made the classic mistake in thinking that because you treat others well, they will treat you well.



It rarely works out in practice, especially if you are a people-pleaser and they are just one of life's selfish gougers. They will continue to take and you continue to give until you don't have what they want any more and then they are done with you.


But by working on your self esteem you will get to learn who to trust, and focus that kindness and loyalty on one who is kind and loyal back. Keep talking to the therapist. It will help you even if you don't see anything changing immediately.

I've never considered myself as a people pleaser. But I guess I am in a sense. I hate being an inconvenience to people. I'm always on time for people I'm extremely considerate of other people to the point I panic if I'm holding people up

Airyfairy12

Do you have a career? is there anything you could see yourself doing? It might be good for you to have a goal a sight and something to work towards. If you want to travel then travel, the status quo isnt for everyone and theres nothing wrong with that.

Lostandscared

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Do you have a career? is there anything you could see yourself doing? It might be good for you to have a goal a sight and something to work towards. If you want to travel then travel, the status quo isnt for everyone and theres nothing wrong with that.

Yeah I do only for work keeping me so busy I'd be an absolute mess of a person to be honest.

Airyfairy12

Lostandscared wrote: »

Yeah I do only for work keeping me so busy I'd be an absolute mess of a person to be honest.

Doesnt even have to be a career, just a goal. Maybe theres something youve always wanted to do but thought it could never happen, work towards. Having a goal and working towards it gives people great drive.

Lostandscared

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Doesnt even have to be a career, just a goal. Maybe theres something youve always wanted to do but thought it could never happen, work towards. Having a goal and working towards it gives people great drive.

I have a lot of travel goals that I always work towards and achieve. It's the sense of lonliness I'm feeling the last few weeks that's killing me.

Airyfairy12

QUOTE=Lostandscared;107215779]I have a lot of travel goals that I always work towards and achieve. It's the sense of lonliness I'm feeling the last few weeks that's killing me.[/QUOTE]

As others have suggested working on your self esteem is a great place to start. You said youre kind and considerate to everyone but they threat you badly. How often do you put yourself first? Other peoples feelings arent your responsibility, that doesnt mean you should go around intentionally hurting people but dont be afraid to speak up and say what you want. Excessively nice people can grate on others, it can come across as needy. Be nice and friendly to others but dont set yourself on fire in the process.
The only people who want to be friends with or date doormats and punching bags are negative, unhealthy people, because they can easily use you and you'll let them do it.
If you want to attract healthy relationships, you have to be a healthy person yourself.

You said youre easily irritated by peoples flaky and inconsiderate behavior, ive friends like this too. It can be annoying at times, particularly if its a regular occurrence and when youve put in so much effort to not be that way but you cant control other people or how they behave, you also cant expect other people to be nice just because youre nice. No one owes you anything, regardless of how you treat them and vise versa, you don't owe anybody anything either. You need to separate yourself from other people and create some healthy boundaries.
Id suggest staying away from counselors and make an appointment with a psychotherapist instead. Counselors are unregulated here, you can literally get a 6 week certificate in counselling and legally set up shop. Even a counselor with a bachelors in psychology or counselling isn't equip to deal with anything besides mild anxiety and depression, in your case going to a counselor is like sticking a bag of peas on a broken leg - it might give you mild short term relieve but it wont help. If you go to a good psychotherapist you'll see the difference for yourself.

In the mean time are there any volunteer vacancies in your area? It may be a good way to associate yourself with new people, youre kind and conscientious and this would be a great opportunity to put those qualities to good use.

Lostandscared

Agree with everything you say AiryFairy. My worry is when I don't suit people that they cut me off/stop being my friend. If someone asks me to go somewhere and even if I don't wanna go I will because I have a fear of not being asked next time. Obviously if I'm actually unable to go that's different. I just feel like I'm always so respectful to people and I never get it in return.

I think I have a massive issue with people being treated unfairly. When I see someone being treated unfairly or if I'm being treated unfairly I feel no choice but to speak up and that makes people hate me.

I will definitely look into physcotherapy

Airyfairy12

Lostandscared wrote: »

Agree with everything you say AiryFairy. My worry is when I don't suit people that they cut me off/stop being my friend. If someone asks me to go somewhere and even if I don't wanna go I will because I have a fear of not being asked next time. Obviously if I'm actually unable to go that's different. I just feel like I'm always so respectful to people and I never get it in return.

I think I have a massive issue with people being treated unfairly. When I see someone being treated unfairly or if I'm being treated unfairly I feel no choice but to speak up and that makes people hate me.

I will definitely look into physcotherapy

If they cut you off for something so small then you need to question if the friendship was worth it to begin with.
Where you bullied when you where little or did you have some kind of child abuse? You have an over sensitivity to unfairness and id wonder is it connected to something that happened to you. Could be worth bringing up with a therapist.

Sam Quentin

I don't see the op as having any issues at-all!? If anything your to nice, you show lots of sympathy and empathy towards your friends, I wont call them 'so called friends' because they are your friends as you see it and also as they I expect see it!?
I have learned over the years to basically not take any 'disrespect' towards me personal,. I'll admit I use too, I also am a very sympathetic and empathetic person towards others, and mainly feel or felt it wasn't returned, but didn't change the way I was, yes you start to do less for people and just try and help if asked..
You see some people feel if you show them to much respect or sympathise with them about small things that you are belittling them because of their situation!?
The truth is 'some' friends, family etc have a lot more going on and have a lot more to be worried about and concerned about than how they treat other people and their feelings...
I have 2 friends in particular who are in quite differential negative equity on their homes. They have bills and stresses coming out their ears(so to speak)I'm still the same old guy towards them, I visit when I can, I help out with bits of diy, car maintenance etc WHEN I CAN. And I still notice a decline in their attitude towards me or people in general, it eats them up inside(understandably)but yet they still try to be brave and hold their head up..
I'm trying to say just do what you do enjoy your free time with activities, walking, hiking,shopping etc and if someone needs you then your still there for them
I certainly wouldn't suggest a therapist,, maybe a thicker skin that's all

Lostandscared

Sam Quentin wrote: »

I don't see the op as having any issues at-all!?


I certainly wouldn't suggest a therapist,, maybe a thicker skin that's all

Agree completely that I need a thicker skin.

For example I drove down to my hometown last night to meet a friend for dinner who's going through a seperation we were only out an hour and a half when her husband arrived asked could he stay the night and she went home with him. Leaving me there having drove an hour out of Dublin to see her. I know that if roles were reversed I wouldn't do that. I respect that if someone went out of their way for me I will stay and not leave them hanging.

Now, where most people would just let it go and go home and get over it I said to her "ya know I drove down here to see you and already you're leaving" she got annoyed at ME like why not just admit that she was wrong. Then I go home and I'm filled with anxiety about what happened.

How would anyone suggest better handling that situation in future?

Daisy78

[quote="Airyfairy12;107217585"
You said youre easily irritated by peoples flaky and inconsiderate behavior, ive friends like this too. It can be annoying at times, particularly if its a regular occurrence and when youve put in so much effort to not be that way but you cant control other people or how they behave, you also cant expect other people to be nice just because youre nice. No one owes you anything, regardless of how you treat them and vise versa, you don't owe anybody anything either. You need to separate yourself from other people and create some healthy boundaries.[/quote]

See I totally disagree with this. I agree that in theory nobody owes anybody anything in this world but that's not how personal relationships work, or at least are supposed to. I think it's a cop out to be honest. If friendship isn't based on mutual respect, kindness and loyalty then what is the point? It's just excusing bad manners and letting others dictate the tone of your relationship. If the op was irritated by the lack of consideration shown by random strangers she met on a day to day basis then I'd agree but we are talking about close friends here.

Op I think your experiences to date have been based on bad luck as much as anything else but a bit introspection and self analysis might also be called for here. Being nice is a good and rare thing and something which is very undervalued. But unfortunately some people see it as a weakness and an opportunity to exploit and manipulate. From reading your post it seems like you are afraid to fully express yourself when it comes to your own needs( I can be guilty of this too)).And that then sets the tone for the relationship, with the other person, knowing they can do things their way without worrying if it is an inconvenience to you. You need to be more self assertive when it comes to fulfilling your own needs, not allow yourself to be taken advantage of without losing some of your more positive attributes. At the end of the day people will respect you more for it. And if they don't then it wasn't a worthwhile friendship in the first place. Focus first and foremost on what makes you happy, continue to seek out new people and expand your social life but don't be afraid to lose people if it is not something that is working for you.

Airyfairy12

Daisy78 wrote: »

See I totally disagree with this. I agree that in theory nobody owes anybody anything in this world but that's not how personal relationships work, or at least are supposed to. I think it's a cop out to be honest. If friendship isn't based on mutual respect, kindness and loyalty then what is the point? It's just excusing bad manners and letting others dictate the tone of your relationship. If the op was irritated by the lack of consideration shown by random strangers she met on a day to day basis then I'd agree but we are talking about close friends here.

Sorry Daisy I think you missed my point. Im not agreeing with the inconsiderate behavior, what im saying is you cant control how someone else behaves. Getting upset/frustrated is only hurting the OP. The flaky friends will continue to be flaky regardless.
And no, no one owes anybody anything. It would be nice if everyone was respectful and considerate but thats not how reality works, unfortunately.
What I do with those kind of friends is if we make plans to meet, I get them to text me when theyre at the place we were supposed to meet and then I go meet them rather than waiting around for ages because theyre never on time or getting a text to say their not coming at the very last minute while ive been standing around waiting for them to show up.
I'll only arrange to meet them when I have nothing else to do.
With other friends I would happily plan my day around meeting them as I know they wont let me down. With my flaky friends I dont give them the option to let me down because I dont put myself in that position. - This has resulted in the flaky friends behaving less flaky, strangely enough.
The point is, you cant control other people, you can only control yourself and your own behavior.

Sam Quentin

Lostandscared wrote: »

Agree completely that I need a thicker skin.

For example I drove down to my hometown last night to meet a friend for dinner who's going through a seperation we were only out an hour and a half when her husband arrived asked could he stay the night and she went home with him. Leaving me there having drove an hour out of Dublin to see her. I know that if roles were reversed I wouldn't do that. I respect that if someone went out of their way for me I will stay and not leave them hanging.

Now, where most people would just let it go and go home and get over it I said to her "ya know I drove down here to see you and already you're leaving" she got annoyed at ME like why not just admit that she was wrong. Then I go home and I'm filled with anxiety about what happened.

How would anyone suggest better handling that situation in future?

Yes if rolls were reversed you wouldn't do that and neither would most mature, aware, empathetic adults.
And most people wouldn't let it go, some people might not say anything about it to her!? But anyone in that particular situation would be píssed off whether they vocalised it or not...
It just shows your friends immaturity and selfishness, yeah she'll probably apologise in a day or so(feeling a bit guilty)but that's not much use after the fact. Anyway stop beating yourself up ok hi

Dial Hard

Lostandscared wrote:

Now, where most people would just let it go and go home and get over it I said to her "ya know I drove down here to see you and already you're leaving" she got annoyed at ME like why not just admit that she was wrong. Then I go home and I'm filled with anxiety about what happened.

Sam Quentin wrote:

Yes if rolls were reversed you wouldn't do that and neither would most mature, aware, empathetic adults.

The woman is probably trying to save her marriage. Most mature, aware, empathetic adults would have seen that and made allowances for it.

Sorry, OP, but it seems very clear to me that you hold people to impossible standards and then cut them out of your life as soon as they (inevitably) fail to meet them. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you would do in a given situation - other people aren't you.

Now, obviously it's 100% your prerogative to have those standards and apply them to your relationships with people. But you can't then be puzzled when this is where they land you every time.

What's your relationship with your family like?

GingerLily

Dial Hard wrote: »

The woman is probably trying to save her marriage. Most mature, aware, empathetic adults would have seen that and made allowances for it.

Sorry, OP, but it seems very clear to me that you hold people to impossible standards and then cut them out of your life as soon as they (inevitably) fail to meet them. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you would do in a given situation - other people aren't you.

100% agree, this thread reminds me of the quote:
"If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."

Airyfairy12

I wouldnt go so far as to suggest the OP is an asshole. She could just be attracting the wrong people, it happens.

dellas1979

Lostandscared wrote: »

like why not just admit that she was wrong.

I had to laugh at this a little. Here are a couple of pointers from reading your posts:

- People will very very rarely, if ever, admit they are wrong. Looking for them to admit they are wrong is not the right point of view. And you'll drive yourself demented.

- Your friends are only as good as how you see and treat yourself.

- If you treat yourself with respect and put yourself first, you are showing yourself respect.

- In a lot of cases, people (even the friends you are talking about) neither treat themselves with respect or want decent friends.

- For example, I would be over the moon to have a (another) friend like how you describe yourself. But, I would remind you (I even did this with a friend yesterday who was struggling with something to do with meeting up with myself) to put yourself first. E.g., If you were to drive an hour to meet me, I would 100% make sure you were comfortable with that.

- There are decent people out there-you just have to know how to filter out what you dont like.

- Youre only as good as the friends you surround yourself with. I see my (good) friends as a reflection of who I am. Not a hope in hell I'd put up with crappy behaviour just to call someone my friend.

- As mentioned above, this all is linked into yourself esteem, and something you can work on.

lulu1

Lostandscared wrote: »

I don't doubt I have some issues. I'm not denying that. But everytime I become friends with someone they ghost me, cut me off, disrespect me etc etc that I don't even see the point in trying anymore. They will cancel plans, be flakey, inconsiderate I can't handle it. It kills my confidence

I really think you expect too much from people. People just cant drop everything when it suits you and they might have a genuine reason to cancel plans.
I think you want friends who will be with you 24 hours a day and when you say jump they will say how high.

Lostandscared

Dial Hard wrote: »

The woman is probably trying to save her marriage. Most mature, aware, empathetic adults would have seen that and made allowances for it.

Sorry, OP, but it seems very clear to me that you hold people to impossible standards and then cut them out of your life as soon as they (inevitably) fail to meet them. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you would do in a given situation - other people aren't you.

Now, obviously it's 100% your prerogative to have those standards and apply them to your relationships with people. But you can't then be puzzled when this is where they land you every time.

What's your relationship with your family like?

I've made it very clear from the start of this thread that I've cut NO ONE out and I'm being the one cut out by people when I disagree with them or don't do what they say.

Lostandscared

GingerLily wrote: »

100% agree, this thread reminds me of the quote:
"If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."

Her husband left her with a mortgage, four kids and moved to live with his new partner but wants back in her bed when suits him and she allows it and I'm the asshole for driving an hour out of my way to meet her. Sound for that

Airyfairy12

Lostandscared wrote: »

Her husband left her with a mortgage, four kids and moved to live with his new partner but wants back in her bed when suits him and she allows it and I'm the asshole for driving an hour out of my way to meet her. Sound for that

Op youre not an asshole, read through some other threads here and you'll see some of the unnecessarily harsh comments left on threads. Its a common occurrence on boards, don't take it to heart.

Being disrespected and ghosted by friends happens to everyone at some stage or another, some more than others but it happens to everyone.
I was friends with a girl for 12 years, over those years she always had a problem, it was always something and I was always there for her without fail and many times to my own detriment. Over these years she had very little going for her in her personal and professional life and I was continuously supporting her. Then I needed someone and instead of helping she rolled her eyes anytime I brought up what was going on with me, put me in awkward situations with an obsessive ex who i was trying to get away from and constantly put me down. She was only interested in getting her needs met. I drew a line in the sand and stopped being her emotional punching bag. Do you know what she did? Met new people and cut me out. And do you know what? good riddance to her. A weight has been lifted. These friends are only draining you, theyre not even friends, they use you because it suits them and you let them. Get some proper therapy, learn some social skills and boundaries and then try to meet new people. If you attempt it now the way you are, youre going to continue attracting the same people and treatment.

Lostandscared

dellas1979 wrote: »

I had to laugh at this a little. Here are a couple of pointers from reading your posts:

- People will very very rarely, if ever, admit they are wrong. Looking for them to admit they are wrong is not the right point of view. And you'll drive yourself demented.

I have no problem admitting when I let someone down or do something wrong. If I organise to meet someone at a certain time and I'm late I will apologise and acknowledge that I've been late
If I have to cancel plans on someone I 100% will explain that I know they made the time for me and I apologise for letting them down.

I would never just disrespect someone and say nothing. I am unable to put someone else out for my benefit.

JustAThought

Lostandscared wrote: »

I have no problem admitting when I let someone down or do something wrong. If I organise to meet someone at a certain time and I'm late I will apologise and acknowledge that I've been late
If I have to cancel plans on someone I 100% will explain that I know they made the time for me and I apologise for letting them down.

I would never just disrespect someone and say nothing. I am unable to put someone else out for my benefit.

Perhaps part of the problem is what you correctly identified - your friends in general have other things going on too but unlike.yourself do.not.see your friendship and the events you have organised as so sacrosanct that they cannot be shifted or cancelled. This is rude but people are stressed out and overburdened. Things can flare up suddenly in an already chaotic life that can disrupt commitments, like childrens demands or needs,work problems that need tending for fear of losing a job or contract or stupid things like sharing a car for transport , relying on public transport or traffic or roadworks. None of this helps. But at the back of it all is perhaps a nagging thrum that they do not value the friendship and arrangement as highly as you do or they do and consider it something that they can casually change or rearrange. You (naturally)dont have the same perspective. It IS rude and it IS inconsiderate. But as life drags on and everything gets more busy and complicated for people perhaps the friendship and eveny/meetup is not as important to.them as it is for.you. Nice - yes - but dosnt have the same significance or weighting. You wouldnt do that to them but for them you are not as important ( particularly if they do it often) . As life goes on friends change - perhaps it is time to widen your circle of friends.or activities so that if and when they change plans or cancel it is.not as important to.you either as you have an arsenal of events and activities you are involved in and so their failings blend better into a fuller diary and their loss and rudeness can be offset by the positive actions of other, more considerate and nicer people and groups who are more reliable. Joining a group thing like maybe a sport or social based class like golf or choir is also nice because instead of a one on one with inyense conversation you are part of the general hubbub and buzz rather than intense one on one meetings which usually revolve around issues or problems - and of course - there is often a lighter dynamic in a group.

ASISEEIT

I think you need to talk to a counsellor first and foremost. You might be exaggerating here. Do you not have family you can talk to? Look up AWARE grouups. They focus on people suffering from depression but you might find other groups that meet your need. A parish noticeboard is a good place to start. Citizens information.

If you are down to a small group of friends then really its time to broaden your circle. There must be something you enjoy. Even a walking club. Something. Get out and get moving. Sitting on a couch feeling **** will only increase your depression