Pregnant GF wants to move home

LegacyUser

Myself and my GF recently found out she was pregnant. It was a surprise.

She wants to move home to her native European country.
I spent 2 and half years living there with her and cannot stomach the thoughts of living there again. I tried and tried to settle, but amidst diagnosed depression & other issues I didn't and we made the decision to move to Ireland.
I fully appreciate why she would want to move home (services, her family etc), but I can't help the (admittedly selfish) overwhelming fear of returning.

Pre-pregnancy news we had talked about the 'what if question'- what if she wanted to move home. I was honest at the time and said I couldn't do it again. I love her but became aware over there that sometimes you need to put yourself first.
There's no point sidestepping the question- how bad a person would I be if I stayed?

Sheog

This is a very difficult situation you are in Op, my heart really goes out to you!

I would want to move home if I were pregnant to be closer to my Mom/ sisters and friends for their support, so I can understand where she is coming from. On the other hand though I can understand that you were unhappy living there before, and you need to (and should be) true to yourself.

It seems to me that you have already decided that the right thing for you is to stay in Ireland, but do you have to decide straight away?

How do you feel about being a Dad? If she leaves and you stay, what sort of involvement would you want to have in the baby's life, and in your girlfriends life? Seeing each other every other weekend perhaps? Or a total break up and no involvement?

If you stay, you may find yourself flying over and back to see them both regularly. You might grow very tired of the travel and being apart from them, and ultimately you might decide to move there, and be happy to do so.

Or she may (after some initial support from her friends and family) become confident being a new Mom, and open to the idea of moving back to Ireland in a few years, especially if you go with her and find you are still unhappy.

One thing is for sure, having a baby completely changes things. You might be so happy being a new Dad that where you all end up won't matter to you one bit once you are all together!

Really, I think you should take your time deciding, and discuss all scenarios with your girlfriend.
Hopefully you can work things out together, and all will turn out fine in the end.

LegacyUser

Hi Sheog,

Thanks so much for the kind response.
I suppose I decided quite a while ago I would never return to her country full time- naturally, having a baby has to make me reconsider that decision.
I do know the right thing for me in so many aspects of my life is to stay here.
I suppose I don't have to decide now, but I feel being there for my GF over the course of her pregnancy is vital(is it?), and so I feel I need to make a decision one way or the other imminently.
One scenario in my head has me staying here for the pregnancy, equipping myself as best as possible (financially, mentally etc) for a move to her country and giving it a go. But that's much easier said than done based on previous experience.
We are both extremely lucky to have a support network on both sides though, which would be a massive help.

The idea of becoming a Dad is magical. I would certainly want to devote all I could to the babys life, except the obvious, living near him/her. Bi weekly trips would be logistically and financially difficult(it's not a one flight job sadly) but monthly/bi monthly would be possible.

Regarding my GF and I's relationship, I'm not sure where that would go if I was to stay.
The aforementioned conversation we had where we both shared our doubts about living in eachothers respective countries left the unfortunate bottom of the heart feeling that maybe our distant futures did not involve eachother.
I would be very doubtful that moving back here would ever become an option for my GF, the services for children in said country are exceptional, and as a result most mixed nationality families settle there when kids come along. But I'm rarely right so you never know!

The dream would be that the happiness at being a Dad would overcome any issues! If that was guaranteed I'd hand my notice in today.

I realise most of the above is me harping on but it helps clear the head a bit.
On the question of being with the mother over the course of her pregnancy being vital, can anyone offer any advice in that regard?

unknowngirl!!

Totally understand your GF and why she wants to move back. I'm in that situation myself with Baby 2..

Could you compromise and move back for the last few weeks of pregnancy and first 6 months after the birth?

Xterminator

Hi Op

If i was in your shoes, id probably try again.

this time round you will be going in with your eyes wide open. You can take steps to make sure you dont fall into the traps of depression and isolation. Might make all the difference.

And if it doesnt work out, and you move back again, you tried. If you dont even try - well that suggests you were lukewarm about your partner to start with.

also does it have to be forever? once the kiddie is school age, perhaps you can look at moving home again?

LegacyUser

unknowngirl!! wrote: »

Totally understand your GF and why she wants to move back. I'm in that situation myself with Baby 2..

Could you compromise and move back for the last few weeks of pregnancy and first 6 months after the birth?

Thanks. Yes I also completely understand her decision.

That compromise could certainly be considered. It's the long term I'm more worried about.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

If i was in your shoes, id probably try again.

this time round you will be going in with your eyes wide open. You can take steps to make sure you dont fall into the traps of depression and isolation. Might make all the difference.

And if it doesnt work out, and you move back again, you tried. If you dont even try - well that suggests you were lukewarm about your partner to start with.

also does it have to be forever? once the kiddie is school age, perhaps you can look at moving home again?

Thanks.
Yes, as I mentioned in a reply to the first post which hasn't been posted yet- the idea of equipping myself better makes sense but easier said than done.

I take exception to the 'lukewarm to start with' comment but I do appreciate everyone has a different opinion- I became very lukewarm about depression and not looking after my mental health, hence the move home.

Airyfairy12

I dont think youre a bad person at all for staying, you have very good reasons for wanting to and I dont think anyone understands what its like to live in a different place that they hate unless theyve done it. Its a nightmare and that feeling never goes away. Maybe it would be different because youd have a baby there and your partner, youd have a family structure that could help you settle in but tbh its something you have to really think about. You could visit for days/weeks/months at a time, continue to financially support your child, she can regularly visit you. It could work.

orthsquel

Does your Gf want to move home permanently, or just during and after the pregnancy? When you discussed about her moving home in the past, what was she wanting, to return and settle there, raise a family there, or return for a while?

You mentioned you lived in her home country for 2.5 years, but you never settled due to depression and other things. Outside of depression, what were the other issues, was it cultural clash, not making friends, lack of work, language barrier, being needed at home with your parents/siblings, etc? Have things improved for you sufficiently that you would have a support network in your GF's home country? Are the issues you had in her home country things you have overcome since or are resolved now that are no longer an issue? What is causing the fear in returning there?

You might want to have another talk with your girlfriend about the long term reality of her moving home, and whether that is feasible in the relationship. It's great to talk of logistics, but cheap flights and every other weekend may not necessarily feel like ye are going to be a happy family, or a happy couple in a meaningful relationship; there could be times too, that you might feel you won't have time together as a couple, and while there may be practical logistical solutions to getting over to visit, either one of ye may find in time, that it isn't enough on an emotional and physical level to be connected to one another and may not be enough in each feeling like a part time Dad and a lone parent to satisfy what could be a long term arrangement.

the_syco

heartbreakhill wrote: »

I spent 2 and half years living there with her and cannot stomach the thoughts of living there again.

When you were there before, what did you dislike? Was the town just a fcuking sh|thole? If it was, perhaps look at neighbouring towns, or see how far away he nearest city is. There are some towns in Ireland that I wouldn't be fond of living in!

List the things that you hated about the country, and from that list, look at what change of location may change. For example, if it was a small town, living and working a nearby city may suit you better?

JustAThought

You want to dedicate everything to your babies life except living in the same country as him and probably also staying with his mother..

You could start by being honest with yourself.

You are tossing this child into a life of having no real father and an upbringing in abandonment and with all the financial difficulties and turmoil of being an unmarried single mother.

Where is this country that would be so appalling and unyielding to live in? Can you speak the language - if not can you learn. Or do a TEFL course and turn the assets you have into something you could start earning money with over there to support your child?

Eircom_Sucks

Don’t mean to be snotty or sound racist as im not

But this is why i stay away from foreign women , my cousin and an old friend were in ur situation , and they broke up with the girls cause they didnt wanna leave here ( ireland ) both agreed at start they wanted to buy here etc , as soon as 1 got pregnant ( i want to go home etc ) now he doesn’t get to see his kid much at all and same for other

I hope you find a good solution that suits you both

joeguevara

Eircom_Sucks wrote: »

Don’t mean to be snotty or sound racist as im not

But this is why i stay away from foreign women , my cousin and an old friend were in ur situation , and they broke up with the girls cause they didnt wanna leave here ( ireland ) both agreed at start they wanted to buy here etc , as soon as 1 got pregnant ( i want to go home etc ) now he doesn’t get to see his kid much at all and same for other

I hope you find a good solution that suits you both

Interesting post and actually goes to the crux of the OP.

Firstly OP you have to understand it is not just yourself anymore. It was when you were a couple because if you split you only need to worry about yourself. But now if you split then you are removing yourself from your child. It is different it was in Ireland because it easier to spend time but when you are in a different country then it is impossible (or at least close to that).

So the decision you have to make is do you dislike her country enough to give up a relationship with your child.

The next thing is, do you love this girl enough to forget about the issues you have with her country.

If you don’t love her then it won’t work. If you do then you owe it to her and your child and yourself to try.

And to finish, and I am not trying to be a boll1x, but to the quote above (not op) then if someone dislikes foreign girls so much then they shouldn’t be with them. And the quoted persons cousin doesn’t see his child because he chooses not to. Not the fact that his ex decided she wanted to be close to her family.

Back on point, I hope it works out for you OP. Remember a kid changes everything and if you love the mum, then it could be the best thing ever.