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I never felt this way before about someone and it's ruining my life

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  • 05-06-2018 5:19pm
    #1
    Poisonousmud
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭


    I had this friend for 2.5 years, I don't have many friends and I'd count her as one. I've always been terribly attracted to her but I didn't want to try anything with the fear of losing my best friend. Flash forward to two weeks ago and we hooked up after a night out, things have been really weird with her since. I tried to meet up with her but she is working abroad this summer so I am unable too. I think I may have lost one of my best friends and I can't stop thinking about her which is destroying me. It feels like she was ashamed that this happened but what is killing me more is that I have no idea how she feels about it which creates a vacuum that is filled up with bad thoughts from my head. I came here to vent but if you can think of possible solutions I'm listening.


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    #2
    Contessa Raven
    Registered Users Posts: 642 ✭✭✭Contessa Raven


    How come you can't talk to her? Is she avoiding you? In a different time zone?

    If possible, I'd email/text/Skype her and ask her can you talk about what happened as you feel like things are a bit off. Let her talk about how she feels about what happened. Maybe it won't be nice to hear. Maybe it will. No one here can say.
    You need to be honest with her too. Tell her how you feel about what happened and how you want to proceed. Be prepared that she may not want to deal with any of it right now and focus on her job for the summer. If this is how she feels, give her the space to do that.

    The only way to solve this really is to have a conversation with her. If it was me I'd send an email. This gives her time to think about things and answer in her own time.

    Best of luck.


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    #3
    Poisonousmud
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭Poisonousmud


    I wanted to talk to her about it, I messaged her to meet up before she left but she was too busy sorting stuff out with her job and apartment which I understand, I don't think it was an attempt to avoid me.

    It's also one of those things that I need to have the conversation with her in person, I feel text won't justify it and I can be more articulate in person. I also don't want to inconvienance her at her new job and new living situation.

    You make a lot of sense, I do need to talk to her but I feel like I don't have adequate channels to do so. I would email her but I don't have her email. I guess I have to get the courage to lay my feelings out there but I've never done any of this before and I'd rather not scare her away and lose my best friend.


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    #4
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Just say it, whatever the best way you feel you can say it given what's available to you. Otherwise you're liable to either lose a friend because it's too awkward, go back to normal and feel good for a while but then get hit with a ton of bricks when she ends up with someone else or be left in limbo for months with this anxiety while she's away. Saying it is better than any of those three options.

    Text her and say "Hey, hope all is going well over there. Listen can we chat (over Skype/text/phone whatever you feel the best way is) when you get a bit of time?" That'll be intriguing enough that she'll either need to do it ASAP, or she'll blow you off and you'll have your answer* and can weigh up what to do next with the friendship.

    *That answer is, if you don't know: :I'm embarrassed we did it because I don't see you that way or want anything, but any conversation we could have about it will reveal that I used you to feel better during a low moment when I probably shouldn't have."

    The anxiety is what kills you. Knowing one way or another will be easier, even if it doesn't feel it now, so force the issue.


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    #5
    Arrival
    Closed Accounts Posts: 779 ✭✭✭Arrival


    leggo wrote: »
    Just say it, whatever the best way you feel you can say it given what's available to you. Otherwise you're liable to either lose a friend because it's too awkward, go back to normal and feel good for a while but then get hit with a ton of bricks when she ends up with someone else or be left in limbo for months with this anxiety while she's away. Saying it is better than any of those three options.

    Text her and say "Hey, hope all is going well over there. Listen can we chat (over Skype/text/phone whatever you feel the best way is) when you get a bit of time?" That'll be intriguing enough that she'll either need to do it ASAP, or she'll blow you off and you'll have your answer* and can weigh up what to do next with the friendship.

    *That answer is, if you don't know: :I'm embarrassed we did it because I don't see you that way or want anything, but any conversation we could have about it will reveal that I used you to feel better during a low moment when I probably shouldn't have."

    The anxiety is what kills you. Knowing one way or another will be easier, even if it doesn't feel it now, so force the issue.

    Nail on the head here, just what I wanted to say! Either way your friendship is not going to go back to how it was so you should accept that now but also don't get your hopes up for anything further coming from this just to be safe. Hope it works out well for you!


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