Should I bring up moving in together? And if so, HOW!

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this!

I'm very happy in my relationship and I know my boyfriend is too. I'm 39 and he is 40, we've been together for 9 months and things are so great!

We both want the same things in life, commitment, securuty, house, dog, kids and we've discussed this a bit, but fairly casually and openly in a "one day" kind of way. We both have great jobs, own our own homes and live nearby each other. This has worked out really well and honestly I'm only starting to question things since a few of my friends and family have kindly, repeatedly alerted me to the depletion of my egg-count. So, on the one hand, things are great and I'm having an amazing time, and on the other...I just don't think our age is even remotely on his radar - and I also don't want to rush anything because things have been going so well. BUT, I'd hate to just kind of go with the flow and then later on realise we dragged our heels a bit too much.

For the record, I do believe he is "the one" and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me - but...we are both very level headed, non-impulsive people so doing anything untried and tested might be a bit of a shock to our systems and our relationship. Any thoughts?

Mr. Incognito

At 20 you can afford to take it easy.

At your age, you have enough life experience to know when its worth a shot. I think go for it and ask him.

Arrival

<SNIP>

Should be no issue bringing it up to him so, just do it. I'm sure he's already aware of the issue of time due to your age so you probably don't have to go too much into that, but definitely mention it during the conversation. You shouldn't be afraid or wondering how to talk about serious topics such as this in a relationship, if the other person freaks out or goes mad over it then that's an easy signal that they're not the right person for you so just go for it

SusanC10

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

At 20 you can afford to take it easy.

At your age, you have enough life experience to know when its worth a shot. I think go for it and ask him.

I agree.
Though we didn't have age against us, my Husband bit the bullet and suggested moving in together when it wasn't really in my head. He caught me off guard by just coming out with it but I am glad he did.

heretothere

Meet up tonight, and tell him how you feel. I don't think 9 months is too soon to move in together. I was 24 and moved in with my soon be husband the night we meet as we were working and living together in the same building. Came home 6 months later and started renting a flat together and haven't looked back since

Rekop dog

Arrival wrote: »

if the other person freaks out or goes mad over it then that's an easy signal that they're not the right person for you so just go for it

Not necessarily imo, especially after only 9 months. He could be perfect for her but still be a bit freaked out that the relationship is being mapped out too early due to ticking clock worries.

Personally wouldn't consider having a child with someone until the very minimum of two years together and a year living together.

That's not to say asking him to move in together now is too hasty, think that's grand after 9 months but I'd be putting it to him as in you'd love to see him more often as opposed to I want to move in now so we can be closer to the point where we can start trying for kids by x date, that's intense and forcing the issue.

Like If it goes wrong where does that leave you? Without someone you consider "The one" and back to square one where you have to meet someone and wait an appropriate amount of time all over again.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses! I feel like we both really appreciate our alone time.... Right now we spend about 3 nights together and 4 nights apart so as much as communication is simple between us - gently nudging the idea of us taking the next step almost feels like a giant leap and because HE is probably more set in his ways than I, I do maybe feel it should come from him.....hence my hesitation. But I also feel like if he was aware of the whole egg-thing he would be open to it.

Rekop dog wrote: »

Not necessarily imo, especially after only 9 months. He could be perfect for her but still be a bit freaked out that the relationship is being mapped out too early due to ticking clock worries.

AND for this exact reason I don't really want the two conversations to be one in the same.

Rekop dog wrote: »

Personally wouldn't consider having a child with someone until the very minimum of two years together and a year living together.

I too wouldn't consider having a child until we had been together a lot longer but taking the next step in our relationship would at least maybe create a sense that we are on the road there. Maybe I should hold off until the year mark...I'm a bit confused by it all. I want to stay with him regardless, it's not an ultimatum, I'm really happy with how things are but also recognise the reality of our situation!

witchgirl26

Rekop dog wrote: »

Not necessarily imo, especially after only 9 months. He could be perfect for her but still be a bit freaked out that the relationship is being mapped out too early due to ticking clock worries.

Personally wouldn't consider having a child with someone until the very minimum of two years together and a year living together.

That's not to say asking him to move in together now is too hasty, think that's grand after 9 months but I'd be putting it to him as in you'd love to see him more often as opposed to I want to move in now so we can be closer to the point where we can start trying for kids by x date, that's intense and forcing the issue.

Like If it goes wrong where does that leave you? Without someone you consider "The one" and back to square one where you have to meet someone and wait an appropriate amount of time all over again.

He might be freaked or he might appreciate the honesty and up-frontness of it. Rather than the pretence of "let's move in together" on the surface with the underlying being "and have a family soon".

It's all well and good saying wait but at 39, the time for waiting isn't really that much.

My parents had the reverse - my dad was a bit older than my mam and made it clear to her early enough on that if it wasn't heading towards marriage and kids, to let him know as that's what he wanted and getting older, he didn't have the time to waste really. They were married within 9 months of meeting and had a child a year after that again. My mam always said it was a shock when he said that a bit but at least she knew where she stood and it made her think.

OP I think just be honest with him and say you'd love to move in together. Talk in more definitive terms about where you see your future and see where he's at.

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TheBoyConor

Your fertility is on the way down and once you reach 40 it'll fall off a cliff and if you do happen to get pregnant then the chances of you having a baby with down syndrome are very very high.


Lets call a spade a spade - you are not so much interested in moving in with him but rather your real desire is to have a baby, right? The "ooh lets live together" thing is just a way of disguising it in a less forthright way.

Would you consider not pussyfooting around the real issue and just tell him you want a baby. At the end of the day he has said he wants kids to so if you just come straight out and ask then he will have to put his money where his mouth is and either follow through on his stated wishes or bail out. Either way, you will be better off because you will have a baby fast or else move on to someone else. There is no harm in getting pregnant and then looking at the moving in together once you are pregnant.

I'll second the previous poster in saying that you need to talk to him sooner rather than later about it. When will you turn 40? With the fertility cliff of that age milestone imminent I advise you to discuss it with him asap, as in without delay.

witchgirl26

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Your fertility is on the way down and once you reach 40 it'll fall off a cliff and if you do happen to get pregnant then the chances of you having a baby with down syndrome are very very high.

Just to say on this - while the chances of having a baby with Downs changes from 1 in 900 at 30 to 1 in 100 at 40, 80% of Downs babies are born to mothers under 35.

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SusanC10

OP - what do you want to happen? Do you want to live together, get engaged, get married and then have a Baby ? Or is having a Baby the priority regardless of the rest ? Is your Boyfriend aware of what you would like to happen ? Are you aware of what he would like to happen?

LegacyUser

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Lets call a spade a spade - you are not so much interested in moving in with him but rather your real desire is to have a baby, right? The "ooh lets live together" thing is just a way of disguising it in a less forthright way.

Would you consider not pussyfooting around the real issue and just tell him you want a baby. At the end of the day he has said he wants kids to so if you just come straight out and ask then he will have to put his money where his mouth is and either follow through on his stated wishes or bail out. Either way, you will be better off because you will have a baby fast or else move on to someone else. There is no harm in getting pregnant and then looking at the moving in together once you are pregnant.

I'll second the previous poster in saying that you need to talk to him sooner rather than later about it. When will you turn 40? With the fertility cliff of that age milestone imminent I advise you to discuss it with him asap, as in without delay.

Wow that sounds like I am trying to manipulate him! Both of us would be fairly traditional in our views about wanting to have children inside wedlock.

So, no, I'm not tying to have us move in together so I can get pregnant. Not in the slightest.

I would like (us both) to progress the relationship along at a somewhat speedier pace in the hope that by the time we are both ready following the appropriate amount of time and discussions and arrangements to have children, it's not too late.

OR, perhaps moving in together will alert us to cracks in our relationship that we're currently not aware of which would make us terrible co-parents and then we can move on sooner rather than later...

In my head and my heart I believe this man is the one I will spend the rest of my life with, but in that I also respect and love him and it's not a fear of losing him (that's inevitable if we prove incompatible down the road) it's a fear of making him feel pressurised to make big life decisions about me and us and his future, I guess a part of me doesn't feel like that's fair.

I think I will give it another little while, maybe wait until the year mark and if nothing has progressed at that point I'll ask him where his timeline is at.

Thanks for all the replies!

TheBoyConor

I see. Like if you want to move in and get married before having a baby then unless ye move in without delay and get married in the very very near future then it's could well be already too late by the time you try for a baby. Certainly, to plan and go through with a traditional wedding is going to take time which you don't have. Perhaps ye could consider a registry office marriage to speed things along? At 39 years old by the time you plan and do a traditional wedding you'll be the far side of 40 and your chances of conceiving are slashed. if it doesn't work out and you have to go meet another guy to have a baby with, that'll add another few years to the timeline and tbh, your chances at that stage will be minimal. I'm not try to upset you but at the end of the day this is the real facts.
Another thing you should consider is if you have a baby at 40+ do you and your partner really want to be dealing with moody and troublesome teenagers when you are pushing 60?

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TheBoyConor

I'll second .......'s post. OP you seem to recognise the time issue and your dwindling fertility, but yet you seem to be inclined to kick the can down the road for a few months or a year.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You say you're aware of the reality of your situation but I'm afraid to say that's really not coming across. It's of course very sensible to live together before you get married and especially before you commit to having a child together but you are really running out of wait-and-see time fast.

Wait 3 months, bringing up moving in together, sort the logistics of that out, then get engaged, then get married, THEN start trying for a baby? Realistically, how long do you think that will take up? You're surely looking at over a year at the absolute, very optimistic minimum.

You really have to look at your priorities. I want a baby PLUS I want to be married when I have it PLUS I don't want to pressure my partner by bringing up the "where is this headed and when" conversation are not compatible priorities given your age.

If the thing you want most is a long-term romantic partnership with him, then move in, get married, enjoy each other but accept that there's a very strong chance you won't be a mother. If motherhood is the main priority you need to talk to him like yesterday. He wants marriage and kids, presumably doesn't have any major cognitive impairment where he's completely unaware of your rapidly closing window to have that with each other, if it's what he does really want, he must be half expecting the conversation.

LegacyUser

OP I'm going to go against the grain here and say you don't need to be freaking out this second at not being pregnant yesterday. fertility studies that claim a womans fertility falls off a cliff after 35 are out dated. Read Jean Twenge's 'the impatient womans guide to getting pregnant' for example which goes into the flaws of a lot of the studies. Unless you've got a health reason that could impact Should you sit around doing nothing? No but unless you've an existing health issue you don't need to demand he get you pregnant yesterday.

redfox123

Yea you are threading too carefully about the conversation that needs to happen. If it was me I would forget about the 'ideal' timeline and sequence of events like moving in, getting engaged, married etc etc, that can all wait but trying for a baby can't. Once you are pregnant you will both simply do what needs to be done and everything will fall into place. I was only with my bf 3 months and got pregnant, although unplanned and initially a shock as we both wanted to travel, enjoy the summer, go out loads etc, looking at the bigger picture it was probably for the best it happened now because knowing both of us we would have put that on the long finger and probably left it too late as I am 36 and will be 37 when baby arrives.
Don't be afraid to bring it up just have a chat, maybe say you were surprised to read that your chances of conceiving are small after 40 and has you a bit concerned and just express this to him, not all intense but just normal and genuine.

TheBoyConor

Yes I agree in general with you redfox but I don't agree that she should be telling him "oh I was surprised to read that my fertility plummets at 40". That's manipulation which is not on.

She should just state to him that she is really wants to have a baby asap because she is conscious of her rapidly evaporating fertility.

redfox123

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Yes I agree in general with you redfox but I don't agree that she should be telling him "oh I was surprised to read that my fertility plummets at 40". That's manipulation which is not on.

She should just state to him that she is really wants to have a baby asap because she is conscious of her rapidly evaporating fertility.

Well it's kind of true as its not coming across that she does know that her fertility declines steeply in near future. Also she's concerned that the convo will come across intense so it might be a way of easing in rather than sitting him down and being afraid to freak him out. I think most people would not want to do that, he may have thought about it but for him it's probably not been at forefront of his mind like it is hers so just be mindful of that and open up discussion gently but confidently.

woodchuck

TheBoyConor wrote: »

She should just state to him that she is really wants to have a baby asap because she is conscious of her rapidly evaporating fertility.

I don't think she needs or wants to go down the route of having a conversation along the lines of "I want a baby asap". They've already talked about wanting a family, but it absolutely makes sense to live with someone for a while first before you start trying. As everyone says, you never really know someone until you live with them!

The conversation about living together shouldn't be put on the long finger though, as obviously age is a factor if/when you decide to try for a baby. If you think he's the one, then 9 months isn't too quick a timeframe to move in together.

speedbird834

Just remember as well it's not just fertility that declines with age, so does the probability of having a pregnancy running it's full course. And after a miscarriage it can take the body a while to reset back to normal

lulu1

Op Don't let thoughts of having babies and moving in together spoil what you already have. Don't forget the old saying grass greener and all that. Please dont take offence but there is no guarantee you will get pregnant straight away anyway. Took Me over 10 years

Just enjoy your relationship. your time together, your time apart, your job, your house, your life, and everything will fall into place