Social anxiety has ruined my 20s. Is there any hope for me?

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance for the lengthy post. So, my story is that social anxiety has completely ****ed me. I am the worst loser on Earth. And I can't see a way out.

I'm 27 and I've spent the entire decade making absolutely no new long-term friends. During my entire 20s, any social connections I made at all were influenced by alcohol.

You know what my Thai girlfriend said to me tonight in broken English? "Why you not have many friend? I think you had many friend when you were young." See, that's how desperate I am. Such poor social skills that I had to find a girlfriend from Thailand who can't even speak English well. But she's a girl who still knows how socially inept I am.

I can't stop thinking about how my 20s have been spent in a state of mostly pure isolation due to my lack of sociability and my anxiousness around others. I have two acquaintances, but they're not friends; all I do with either of them is drink. I could call on neither guy to help me during a crisis, such as now.

In college, I studied for four years and I can count the number of times I went out clubbing on two hands. I've only had sex with two girls in my entire pathetic life, as opposed to most Irish guys and girls who have many sexual partners throughout their 20s.

You know the things most people do during their 20s, like making tons of friends, going out clubbing all the time, etc? I've done barely any of that. Yes, there were times when I was sociable, and times when I went out and danced, but most of my 20s have been spent alone due to my anxiety around people.

I worked in an office for a year in 2014: had to quit because of social anxiety. That brief foray into the workd of corporate finance represents my only actual adult experience of office work. I've since carved out a mediocre living as a freelance writer. I earn 20k per year and still live at home with my parents at 27.

In college, I scored low on some modules because they had a presentation element, which I invariably skipped. I went to Australia on a working holiday visa in 2015 to change things, but I ended up returning home after 3 months because I was an utter outcast in the sociable backpacker environment.

The last three years, I've lived abroad 50 percent of the time with my girlfriend, who I met while on a solo southeast trip in 2013. During all that traveling? I've made a sum total of zero new friends. Drank with randomers in bars sometimes, but mostly, that's near 18 months spent living in a foreign country making no friends at all.

You know how everyone who travels solo meets lots of people? I spend my time exploring cities alone, and cowering away from others in my hostel bed, afraid to interact.

I'd try to change things but I've already messed up too bad. It is too late for me. All I feel is regret about my 20s and not spending it like everyone else.

Any of you who got this far, thank you very much for reading. If any of you have input or advice I'd appreciate it a lot.

Airyfairy12

You could start by being a bit nicer to yourself. How are you supposed to have any confidence with that attitude? Youve done nothing but critisise yourself through out your whole post.
Look at the positives, you went travelling on your own - that takes allot of guts, loads of people would love to do that but are too scared to or cant for different reasons like disability, responsibilities, lack of money etc. You did it and thats something to be proud of.

I know its hard and easier said than done but try not to take other peoples opinions so personally. Youre not a bad person, you just find it hard to relax around people. - Theres worse things you could be.
I dont know if its just me but I find it much harder to make friends now than I did in my teens and early twenties - I find people to be really judgmental and kind of mean tbh, much more so than I did when I was younger - there just seems to be less tolerance or something.. I dont know, are people more judgmental these days? Does social media have something to do with that? Everyone wants to look better than everyone else online, people have become so self obsessed and constantly posting about how great their life is and how fabulous their selfies that are filtered beyond recognition. That narcissistic way of thinking has to start effecting people. It has to leak out into peoples real lives eventually.
Also I think its important to add, those groups of people that you see hanging out, you dont know whats going on with them,. I remember years ago in my early twenties I had a handful of close friends and most of them id only see on weekends when we'd go get drunk together, we'd go out and id see about 50 people I knew - acquaintances at best, wouldnt ever see or speak to them outside the pub, - say hello, have a few chats or whatever then go back to my little group and that would be it, I remember people commenting to me about how many friends I had, just because they saw me chatting to so people that I barely knew by name, they had no idea how lonely I was and how hardly any of my 'real' friends wanted to hang out together sober.

There used to be this large group of friends in my town, theyre all gone their own ways now.. moved away, emigrated, settled down etc, but a few years ago they seemed like a really tight group, always hanging out, posting their shenanigans on facebook. They looked so cool and like so much fun and I really wanted to be friends with them, turns out I did end up becoming friends and hanging out with them and it didnt take long to realise that none of them were actually friends, they were just drinking buddies that never hung out sober. There was no dept or meaning or connection to there friendship, a few of them where closer than others but over all they wearnt really friends. Half of them dont even speak anymore. Maybe thats your problem, you cant do superficial friendships.
Have you listened to the blindboy podcast? I think you should, he talks allot about social anxiety and mental health. its been a real help for me and might help you too. If you do give it a listen make sure to start at the very first podcast as they all kind of link in with one another and you wont know whats going on.

Also, why are you with your girlfriend? she cant speak English so you cant communicate and shes bringing you down/insulting you. Are you using her for a social outlet or for sex? might be something youd want to think about.

Wanderer2010

You are being way way too hard on yourself and I think you need some perspective straight away. Your posts are full of "everyone does this" and "most people do that" etc etc. That's a very shallow view of the world and probably brought on by looking at all the "perfect" people with their millions of friends on Facebook which in most cases is just a show for ego to prove to the world that you are popular. Ask yourself, would you actually WANT to be with people who only think clubbing and getting drunk are what life is about? No doubt you would go nuts after a week!

I am in my late 30s and I often travel alone because I don't have any close friends and the few I do have are tied down with families etc which is cool that's life- its a positive thing, you have freedom and choice to go where you want. And being a solo traveller often forces you out of your shell to make conversation with people- sometimes they are nice other times not but that's just the way it is and you can always learn and grow from each experience.

I really think you need to put down the social media, maybe book a solo two week trip around Asia maybe a mix of tour groups and solo exploring, to get a broader perspective on life because a lot of your beliefs are not only very self defeating and negative, they are also 100% wrong.

Creol1

€20k is actually quite a lot for a young freelancer I would have thought, so that is one positive.

Ursus Horribilis

This all sounds very familiar. Have you posted before? If so, what do you think people will tell you that they didn't in the other threads?

dude_abided

What is peoples obsession with sleeping with multiple people for validation??

Very strange.

Rekop dog

dude_abided wrote: »

What is peoples obsession with sleeping with multiple people for validation??

Very strange.

This.

Some of the most content people I know have been in long term relationships for over ten years since early college. Their "number" would be low compared to perennial single people i know but it's no indicator of happiness whatsoever.

OP you're very dismissive of the girlfriend you have. Almost comes across that you see her as lesser because of her nationality or command of English. Either treat her right or end it. It's a lowsy attidue to have, and it's littered across your post. Quit the pity party and start throwing yourself into anything and everything. You don't want to be similarly regretful at 30/35/40 that you let life slip by.

Mongfinder General

Don’t feel bad about yourself OP. I actually like having very few friends. People,including family, absolutely exhaust me. If I see somebody I know walking down the street towards me I’m ducking and diving so that I don’t have to engage in idle chit chat. The vast majority of people have nothing to say. However, if you really want to engage with others then I suggest working part time in a bar or restaurant. Staff are usually pretty diverse and outgoing - even if you’re not. It’ll open a few doors for you

Graces7

Never too late.

I lost nearly 4 decades of my life to misdiagnosed and wrongly treated illness. Now, in old age, I am finding simple peace and a fulfilment I thought I would never have.

Voluntary work would give you a different perspective on life too..

marielovesstea

Hi OP.

I think you are being very hard on yourself. rule 1, never compare yourself to others- its a dangerous thing to do. ... know that the only one that can change your situation is you. ALL you. I myself have suffered from social anxiety and depression and it took control of my life... but i decided i no longer wanted to 'suffer' or a be 'victim' of depression. you have a choice. and its your outlook whicH will determine your future. fight through it. small changes in your life can make a huge difference to how you feel and operate in this complication world. I know its mentioned alot but seriously, take up a hobby, join a class or something along those lines. get yourself back out there.. a small step can lead to much bigger things... even happiness. its only you that can save yourself. dont be a victim , take control.. fight for your life, no one is going to come along and save you.

sorry to sound all preachy... i wish you all the best. AND GET UP AND GO!

aqn29swlgbmiu4

Yup, just like clockwork your personal essay has reappeared in PI!
Every 4-6 weeks this thread comes up!

Stop wasting other peoples time! You are clearly happy enough to waste your own!