Still havent got my sparkle back two years after break up

LegacyUser

Hi, just looking to see if other people have had experiences similar, or if they have any insight or advice. Thanks in advance. I was going out with a guy for almost two years, we broke up almost two years ago. I’m female, 30.
For the most part I have recovered, I’m seeing someone new that is lovely. But there feels like there is just something not right about me since it happened. I loved that person very deeply and thought that we would get married. The break up was horrible, I was blindsided by it and there were some actions relating to the nature of how the break up happened that were very selfish on his part and had deeply hurt me. He never gave me a solid reason.

It has decimated me for the better part of a year and I’m posting here because I seem to have lost my sparkle. I’m now into year two following the break up and that sparkle is still missing for me. I’m actually crying as I type this out, I used to have such high hopes for myself, I was ambitious, doing very well in my studies, confident in starting my career, and I had worked very hard to feel that way about myself. I used to pray daily, as a spiritual person, it was my way of connecting to myself, and I dont want to do that anymore, there doesn’t feel like there’s any point.
No longer going out with that person is a blessing, I would have been in a worse off position staying with him in the long run and the time away from him has made me see this, but I have just lost myself and have no idea if it’ll ever come back. I feel like I’ve let myself down by falling so deeply in love with someone who when it came to push wasn’t all that bothered about me. I feel like I can no longer trust myself I suppose.

There is a great void and sadness in me since the break up, but it doesn’t seem to be about the actual ex, but more having lost myself utterly, like part of me has died or something. I cant really make sense of it, I’m wondering if anyone has any insight or similar experiences?....also it sounds terribly dramatic when written down hence why I’ve come online instead of confiding in pals!!

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Hello there,
I can definitely resonate with this. When a deep love is created, you mourn the loss of that love and the hopes and dreams and the incredible nature of love, the bond you shared and everything that goes along with that.
I remember feeling just so sad about it all, that something beautiful had been destroyed and that it could not be created again. Which of course is not true to a certain extent, something even more beautiful and lovely is awaiting.
Did you give yourself enough time to focus on yourself before getting into a new relationship? Maybe doing some of your previous activities such as praying reminds you of that turbulent time in your life. Trying something new like yoga or exercise or cooking might help you reconnect to yourself. Best of luck sweetheart x

Airyfairy12

I have a similar experience, I went out with a guy for just over 4 years, but honestly if it had been 4 years or 1 year the effects of the break up would have been the same. I was mad about him and for the first 2 years he was mad about me too, things gradually changed and he turned into someone I didnt know, not the guy I fell in love with. It was really hard. I missed him even though he was still around.. if that makes sense. - I missed the guy I knew and loved. Gradually things got worse and we could no longer be together, he was set on hurting me any chance he got. The break up knocked me for six and it took me about 5 years to really move on from it. Like you I realised it wasnt him that I was mourning, it was what he did to me. The effects of the relationship, the rejection from someone you love, the feeling of not knowing him at all when I thought I knew him so well, that closeness we had at the beginning and the chemistry, ive never felt with anyone else, I felt at home with him. The way he ended the relationship stayed with me for years, it was so cold and heartless. He really didnt care about me at all and once he got over the novelty of having a new relationship and his feelings changed, instead of ending it, he strung me along. Ive never been the same person since that relationship. It changed me completely. Not sure if thats a good or a bad thing. Maybe a bit of both. I definitely lost a part of myself, I lost my sparkle and I grieved for that too. I dont think that sparkle has ever really come back.

Its hard to not internalize it when someone you care so much about treats you that way. You were intimate with him, you were incredibly close, you believed something that wasnt there and he promised you things he couldnt or wouldnt provide or life up to. You will move on it eventually, I think relationships change people regardless if theyre good or bad, last or dont last, its normal to be different after it. Would you consider getting some counselling? It sounds like its knocked your self esteem and speaking to someone could really help you get that part of yourself back.

Rekop dog

The praying stopping is one healthy thing that's come from all of this as it's mental talking to someone who doesn't exist. But perhaps try replacing that with meditating or some sort of mindfulness techniques.

You didn't talk much about the new relationship but I get the feeling it's not exciting you all that much. I don't think you'd be writing this post if you were happy in that relationship to be honest.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I feel like I’ve let myself down by falling so deeply in love with someone who when it came to push wasn’t all that bothered about me. I feel like I can no longer trust myself I suppose

It sounds like you are erecting walls to prevent anyone getting that close again to prevent that kind of pain. and i cannot tell you that you are wrong to do so. But as for letting yourself down, i completely disagree. Trusting someone, and falling in love is not a character flaw. If anything its him who was at fault there.

That doesn't men you cannot learn lessons. Looking back there may have been warning signs - where he said one thing but acted another way. You may be more cautious in future.

If you are so deeply protected by your own defences you don't allow someone in, then you may miss out on chances at being happy. IE your very defences keep you unhappy and unfulfilled.

You sound very hard on yourself OP. Possibly the next step for you would be to love yourself more. allow yourself to let go of the past and allow yourself to trust your self again.

Tell me how

Rekop dog wrote:

The praying stopping is one healthy thing that's come from all of this as it's mental talking to someone who doesn't exist. But perhaps try replacing that with meditating or some sort of mindfulness techniques.

Just because you don't have faith, don't try to take it from those that do.

I really detest that attitude from "the enlightened" ones.


OP, I heard before that it can take 50% of the length a relationship lasted to truly recover from a difficult breakup. It's certainly not a fact but the point being it really can take time. And, the reality is that life is tough in places and there's sometimes no getting away from that.

A series of events on top of a difficult breakup led to me regressing in to a shell for over a year after it happened. This meant I didn't deal with it correctly and to be honest, I'm still paying the price for that. You are dealing with it correctly so I think you're on the right path.

Could you identify little challenges to work towards fitness, education, hobby, which would give you some confidence when you hit a milestone.

I'm glad you have gotten to the point of starting a new relationship hopefully this too will build up confidence and excitement leading to you feeling like your old self.

Finally, therapy sounds dramatic but used in the right way with a therapist you click with could help tease through some residual stuff preventing you from moving on.

Hope you get that glint in your eye again.

heretothere

Rekop dog wrote: »

The praying stopping is one healthy thing that's come from all of this as it's mental talking to someone who doesn't exist. But perhaps try replacing that with meditating or some sort of mindfulness techniques.

I'm not a religious person, but if she enjoyed praying daily before and no longer does it is surely something that is going to bother her.

It does sound like you are still getting over what happened so try not to be too harsh on yourself. It's good that you at least know that you're not wondering what if. You know it was the best decision in the long run. Try to focus on you and keep going. You will get 'yourself' back. Just that self will be slightly altered.

Heartbreak is life changing, you sound like you need someone to be kind to you. I've had a few defining heartbreaks in my time and I can't say I was the same person afterwards as I was before, but in some ways, they were all chances to learn and grow.

I actually think you should go back to praying. I'm a fairly lapsed catholic myself but there is comfort in connecting with the spirituality you were brought up in. I don't think it's any harm to take a few minutes every day to think about your blessings, things you are grateful for, things you want to achieve.

Life is hard and uncertain. You can't live without risk though, you need to keep your heart open to all sorts of heartbreak just to live fully, imo.

Calypso Realm

Oddly enough I was thinking about this the other night. I've no doubt whatsoever that HOW a relationship ends has a major influence on the nature and length of your recovery. Those break-ups that are characterised by cheating, betrayal and where the ex-partner became cold, distant and unnecessarily harsh and hurtful can hit you with a triple force and take far longer to recover and heal from. We have a friend who was ghosted over a year ago (6 month relationship where completely blindsided) and is still coming to terms even now, with what happened. I can tell she's still not back to her normal self.

So OP, I'm not at all surprised to learn that even after two years you sill feel you haven't regained your sparkle but you will one day! Just give it some more time.

JeffKenna

OP a relationship breakup is a lot like grief, it has all the same components but one major difference. You're ex took the choice to leave you where as when someone dies it's not their choice. In a way I think this can make a break up with someone you truly loved actually harder or at least as hard as the death of someone you loved.

Try to look after yourself, it will take time (years) but one day you'll look back and be able to take a deep breath and think about the break up without being overcome with upset. I know this because it happened to me. I was going out with a girl 4 years and one day out of the blue (to me at least) I got a text from her saying she felt we had become too distant and wanted to break up. I remember it to this day, how my life literally turned upsidedown upon reading one simple text message.

There are so many clichés that I heard, the night is always darkest before dawn, time heals all wounds etc..and you know what...there actually true.

In the meanwhile you need to practice some self love and look after yourself. Try and do one small thing every day that you enjoy and I promise with time it will get better. Thinking of you x