Always keeping score

I'm a fairly introverted person. I mainly keep to myself, even with my own family; I attend big events, etc of course, but I find them equally as exhausting as everyone else.
It's been an issue for years, especially when I just don't want to do something or go somewhere - they don't seem to understand that I need time to myself.
It's at these times when they start keeping score against me: "I did xxx for you", "I got you xxx for your birthday" and so on... The problem is that I hardly ever ask for these things from them - I'm very independent and if I want something I'll usually buy/do it myself. It gets really frustrating because I then feel like a brat, and I don't think I should. Why buy something for someone if you're just going to use it as leverage down the line?
It all it the fan yesterday when one of them wanted me to do something that would mean my either cancelling my plans for today, or taking some time off work tomorrow to do (its something they forgot). I told them no, of course. Next thing I have three people calling me, telling me how kind that person is to me, how they did xyz for me, and I'm sat here once again feeling like the bad guy. It's not my problem they forgot, and it's not like I've ever asked this of them in the past, because I do things on my own. I turned off my phone because I was sick of hearing it.
I also feel like I should add that it's not like I do nothing for my family. I take them out, I buy them expensive gifts, if they ask me something I usually try to do it. I just dislike them expecting me to do things based on some sort of tally they're keeping, and I don't want them doing things for me if they're just going to be used against me later.
Is there anything I can say/so to make them stop doing this to me?

Teyla Emmagan

I would say that's family life. If your help is needed people won't generally come out with 'but I did X for you' if you say yes in the first instance. Do you normally need to be talked into helping out? If you come across as reluctant then you might find that people start bargaining with you/reminding you of past kindnesses in order to bring you round. If you are always eager and willing to help that won't be an issue.

If you want to be part of a family you will have to put up with people asking you to do stuff when it doesn't suit you. It's a two way street though, they will also be there for you when you need them. You may be independent now but you never know when you will need to ask for help in the future. That being said though asking someone to take time off work to do someone else a favour is a big ask IMO.

volono

Hi o.p.,
We all need our own space and i can understand your reasoning in the way your thinking / looking at the situation and maybe it is a very little bit unreasonable for them to ask you to do this or that but at the end of the day this is your FAMILY your talking about and imo they're mentioning x , y and z to remind you of that , its not about keeping a running tab on what they or you've done . not at all i don't think , they probably can't understand how , by the sounds of it you couldn't care less to think about them outside of traditional times and events etc.. . We all have our own lives , careers , bills etc. but at the end of the day the world isn't that nice a place at the best of times , we only have one family, personally i'd move heaven and earth to help and accommodate my own regardless and never think of x , y and z , ever!!. Personally i wouldn't bother contacting you to mention x ,y and z as if you don't do these things / be there off your own back to begin with , whats the point - you should , within reason , do all this unconditionally , not sure if this sounds a little harsh or not but thats my two cents o.p,

lulu1

Finding it hard to get my head around this one OP. You say they buy you gifts that you dont ask for and then use it against you when they want something..

You then say that you buy them expensive gifts and also take them out

I am thinking here your family feels they must buy you things as you seem to do for them Maybe they see you in a position to be able to do favors or take time off work easier than someone else

Sorry cant be more help

leggo

Yeah OP, it's hard to give a fair response and gauge the situation without more context. You're giving us detailed info on why you can't do stuff for them, but not what they ask you to do, so we've no idea if they're being unreasonable or not. If they forgot to get milk and wanted you to go to the shops on your way home, that's fair. If they forgot a wedding anniversary and wanted you to buy a gift on their behalf and smooth it over, that's unreasonable. Can you give examples, even if it's not this particular one if you don't want, so we can more accurately gauge and help you?

Xterminator

Hi Op

for my family id be happy to go the extra mile.

Can i ask why you feel this ongoing resentment? do they ask that much of you its intrusive, or are you the one keeping score?
Do you feel any empathy for the family member who feel they need help? Do you appreciate when they do something nice for you, unsolicited?

for me when someone does something nice without being asked, thats the best kind of treat.

if i had an acquaintance who needed help from me, again and again, i might feel the way you do. that's a little cold and distant to be thinking of family.

lunamoon

I had this problem in my family before and it drove me up the walls. It got to the point where if something was brought up like that say, "You won't give me a lift and after that beautiful present I bought you" I would go fetch that present and hand it back. I would say a gift is a gift, it's not something to be used against someone at a later date.

I understand your frustration OP. I'm not saying what I did was the right thing to do but they don't do it to me anymore.

whippet

I have a sibling who sounds a bit like the OP. We are at the stage where we have to really look out for our parents .. it can be stressful as it eats in to my own family life .. but stuff just has to be done. I have a brother who is somewhat oblivious of all that needs doing and unless its point out to him he will never even consider it. At times I've had to resort to keeping scores .. just to try and make him understand the sacrifices I have made to help out.


For example .. every weekend I would take my parents out to get the shopping done and spend a couple of hours in the garden cutting grass, weeding and tiding up .. last weekend I forgot to pick up their prescription from the pharmacy and I called my brother to pop out during the week (as he lives much closer than I do) to pick it up - he refused saying that it would add an extra 45 min on his commute home from work and he would only see his kids for and hour that evening rather than the usual two and it was my fault for forgetting the prescription. I had to explain to him how I missed out on a day of being with my kids on Saturday while he was BBQing all weekend with his family.


While I accept that the OP might be insular and want more than the usual amount of 'me time' .. the reality is he would be in the minority and everyone has to make sacrifices to ensure the complex dynamics of family life works