What to say to end budding relationship

LegacyUser

Hello there,
I have been seeing a guy for the past few weeks. Maybe 6/7 dates in total. While I have relatively enjoyed the dates, I don't feel like we have connected. I get the impression that he is keen because he does all the date arranging, always wanting to meet up, texts first etc. I feel I havnt been my usual friendly self because I don't want to propel it further considering I have always had doubts about meeting up from the start. I am a nice person, but when I am not as interested in the other guy, I feel so mean and as if - who am I to be thinking they aren't good enough. He is a lovely guy but the spark is not there. I feel really bad and really don't know what or how to say these things to him. The next step is to sleep together, and part of me feels could this bring us closer? Or should I just say something and leave it then.

Thanks in advance

zapper55

Sex might add the spark temporarily but more likely it'd be awkward sex and it'd make him fall deeper. Listen to your instinct which sounds like you should end it.

LegacyUser

If you are not feeling it, be honest with him and yourself and end it. There is no point in making things worse. I have been the guy at the other side making the running in a friendship which I hoped would go further. Sadly it took me too long to realise the situation.

CPTM

I wouldn't sleep with him and then end it. He'll think it's something he did wrong.

Cold hearted, emotionless text is best in my experience. I actually thanked a girl for being so clear in comparison to the others who ghost, or say things like "I need a few weeks to think about things".

Genuinely, the text was like "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I want to stop dating. I'm sorry if that comes as a shock but it doesn't feel right for me. I wanted to tell you upfront instead of playing games. Goodbye - <name>"

It's a text you write if you really want to put egos aside - because he'll move on so much quicker.

Arrival

CPTM wrote: »

I wouldn't sleep with him and then end it. He'll think it's something he did wrong.

Cold hearted, emotionless text is best in my experience. I actually thanked a girl for being so clear in comparison to the others who ghost, or say things like "I need a few weeks to think about things".

Genuinely, the text was like "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I want to stop dating. I'm sorry if that comes as a shock but it doesn't feel right for me. I wanted to tell you upfront instead of playing games. Goodbye - <name>"

It's a text you write if you really want to put egos aside - because he'll move on so much quicker.

This is absolutely how it should be done, any adult that ghosts or pussyfoots around the issue are spineless *****, if you've ever had that done to you then it should motivate you to never make another person experience the same even if it feels horrible to do it. Upfront honesty is always the best

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. I will try and be upfront and honest about it. He has asked are we seeing each other and I said I didn't know what I wanted. Do you think I should text or call or say all this face to face? I genuinely feel really bad. I have never been in a relationship before but I am older- in my 30's. I am thinking maybe I should be giving this a chance more. But tbh I can easily go without seeing them etc and while the dates are lovely. I don't think about him all the time like I would have done with previous guys I liked. Sometimes I wonder am I comparing this to an unrealistic relationship like in a movie and the high expectations of romance etc.

Arrival

Whattosay wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. I will try and be upfront and honest about it. He has asked are we seeing each other and I said I didn't know what I wanted. Do you think I should text or call or say all this face to face? I genuinely feel really bad. I have never been in a relationship before but I am older- in my 30's. I am thinking maybe I should be giving this a chance more. But tbh I can easily go without seeing them etc and while the dates are lovely. I don't think about him all the time like I would have done with previous guys I liked. Sometimes I wonder am I comparing this to an unrealistic relationship like in a movie and the high expectations of romance etc.

I think having been on so many dates face to face would be appropriate, definitely at least over the phone but don't do it by text. You feel really bad but he's going to feel worse the longer you leave it continue. Just think about how you'd wish to be treated by someone breaking up with you and do that

ConnyMcDavid

A text is not being upfront about it.

There's no point feeling sorry for upsetting his feelings and then dumping him by text.

Meet him face to face or at the very least call him to explain things.

woodchuck

You need to be honest with him. As it's only been a few weeks, I think a text is acceptable. You can be honest, but sugar coat it.

Definitely don't sleep with him.

heretothere

CPTM wrote: »

Genuinely, the text was like "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I want to stop dating. I'm sorry if that comes as a shock but it doesn't feel right for me. I wanted to tell you upfront instead of playing games. Goodbye - <name>"

Maybe I'm cold but I don't think that's too cold. I think it's best to be direct and honest in these things. I might have added in that I did enjoy our dates but the spark wasn't there for me.

Def don't sleep with the guy it will confuse everything

bucketybuck

As a guy I wouldn't have much problem with a text, its the message that is important, not the medium.

I know it might seem impersonal but lets face it, the "personal" is ending anyway.

Lollipops23

I ended it with a guy I'd been on a few dates with a couple of years ago, same reason as you.

I texted saying that I thought it best that we leave it there and said I wished him well.

It was all terribly civilised and nobody had hurt feelings!

Katgurl

A text or a phone call would be fine IMO.

Be clear, kind and final. "I think it's best we don't see each other anymore. I have enjoyed the dates but the spark is not there for me and I don't want to waste your time or lead you on. It was lovely meeting you. Take care." If he argues back tell him that you know how you feel and you won't be changing your mind and say goodbye. Don't engage in anything after that.

No 'i am not sure what I want' or 'timing not right' rubbish. End it and let him move on.

He sounds like someone who knows what he is looking for and therefore will probably find it. Don't feel too bad, you're not intentionally hurting him.

I've been in this position a few times and whenever I've had a pleasant respectful response I have subsequently heard shortly down the line they are well settled with somebody else.

I have had a few crazies who argued manically and wouldn't accept it but that just compounded my determination to get away from them.

woodchuck

Katgurl wrote: »

Be clear, kind and final.

This.

Whattosay wrote: »

I will try and be upfront and honest about it. He has asked are we seeing each other and I said I didn't know what I wanted.

That is not being upfront or honest about it.

I know you feel bad, but honestly it's much worse to send him mixed messages. He's an adult, you're only going out a few weeks, he can handle it. Just bite the bullet and don't drag things out!

GenericPastMan

CPTM wrote: »

I wouldn't sleep with him and then end it. He'll think it's something he did wrong.

Cold hearted, emotionless text is best in my experience. I actually thanked a girl for being so clear in comparison to the others who ghost, or say things like "I need a few weeks to think about things".

Genuinely, the text was like "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I want to stop dating. I'm sorry if that comes as a shock but it doesn't feel right for me. I wanted to tell you upfront instead of playing games. Goodbye - <name>"

It's a text you write if you really want to put egos aside - because he'll move on so much quicker.

Jesus, don’t text him, he deserves a phone call at the very least. I’d say meet for a coffee, do your best not to make it sound like a date and just be honest with the guy. He’ll be thankful that you’re being honest and it will give you peace of mind.

bucketybuck

GenericPastMan wrote: »

Jesus, don’t text him, he deserves a phone call at the very least. I’d say meet for a coffee, do your best not to make it sound like a date and just be honest with the guy. He’ll be thankful that you’re being honest and it will give you peace of mind.

If I was the guy I'd honestly rather not be dragged into town just so I can be told "I don't want to see you again goodbye".

Just tell me straight and save me the trip.

JeffKenna

Ringing is perfectly appropriate.

CPTM

GenericPastMan wrote: »

Jesus, don’t text him, he deserves a phone call at the very least. I’d say meet for a coffee, do your best not to make it sound like a date and just be honest with the guy. He’ll be thankful that you’re being honest and it will give you peace of mind.

Deserves?! This is the dating scene, not a marriage (not even a relationship)! He could be on Plenty of Fish to other people before walking into any of these dates as far as we know.

If you want to think about what's best for him, think about how much more difficult a phone call is to forget. A coffee sit down and dumping is even worse. If there has been a sense of commitment or a previous chat about being exclusive, then yes, questions will be asked and should be answered and so a call or coffee is best. But if there has been no commitment, kill it with a text at an appropriate time of day. Everyone will move on.

Colonel Claptrap

I brought her to our favourite pub, sat in the cozy and had the chat.

Balled our eyes out for an hour, barely supped a pint, hugged and went our separate ways.

I can never go back to that boozer now. It's ruined for me

facehugger99

Colonel Claptrap wrote: »

I brought her to our favourite pub, sat in the cozy and had the chat.

Balled our eyes out for an hour, barely supped a pint, hugged and went our separate ways.

I can never go back to that boozer now. It's ruined for me

Lessons learned.

WhatsApp that sh;t in future.

heretothere

bucketybuck wrote: »

If I was the guy I'd honestly rather not be dragged into town just so I can be told "I don't want to see you again goodbye".

Just tell me straight and save me the trip.

A lad I worked with in Australia was going out with a German girl. She moved home, he saved for 6 months to go over to see her. He was going to spend some time in Germany to meet her family, then he was taking her to Paris, Venice and a few other places.

When he landed into Germany, she took him to a quiet spot and broke up with him. She said she didn't want to do it over the phone after being together for over a year :O I 100% think he would have preferred any other form of communication!!

I do think call isn't necessary and meeting up is complete over kill! If ye were in a committed relationship then yes, but it was casual dating. You are just being polite and not ghosting.

kylith

Colonel Claptrap wrote: »

I brought her to our favourite pub, sat in the cozy and had the chat.

Balled our eyes out for an hour, barely supped a pint, hugged and went our separate ways.

I can never go back to that boozer now. It's ruined for me

That’s why you should always go to a neutral spot.

aqn29swlgbmiu4

Gee I could have wrote this thread myself, thanks for all the answers! It made sending that message much easier.

LegacyUser

Update, OP here.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I text him mid conversation that I didn't think there was a spark between us and that we should leave dating. I didn't say take care or goodbye as we were mid conversation and I thought he would reply. But he didn't reply. I'm concerned he is feeling down about it and I didn't know whether I should txt to see if he's ok or say about being friends or just leave it. Not sure what he's thinking now. Silence is awful and it feels like we will forever remain on bad terms.

ahnow

Maybe follow up with sorry if it felt like it came out of the blue, you had done a lot of thinking about it and didn’t want to throw it all away without giving it a proper effort, sorry for any hurt caused. Dont offer friendship or any of that. Wish him all the best, if he wants a further discussion about it he’ll contact you.

bucketybuck

You leave it there, what he is thinking now is no longer any of your business.

What is to be gained by further texts or offers of friendship? The only reason for that would be to assuage your own guilt, to make yourself feel better in other words.

You rejected him and he has to deal with that like a grown up, leave him to it instead of muddying the waters.

lulu1

Whattosay wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. I will try and be upfront and honest about it. He has asked are we seeing each other and I said I didn't know what I wanted. Do you think I should text or call or say all this face to face? I genuinely feel really bad. I have never been in a relationship before but I am older- in my 30's. I am thinking maybe I should be giving this a chance more. But tbh I can easily go without seeing them etc and while the dates are lovely. I don't think about him all the time like I would have done with previous guys I liked. Sometimes I wonder am I comparing this to an unrealistic relationship like in a movie and the high expectations of romance etc.

don't text him. Tell him to his face texting is just taking the easy way out

I know it will be hard but you will be glad you did.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you've missed the OP's update. The deed has been done.

I text him mid conversation that I didn't think there was a spark between us and that we should leave dating. I didn't say take care or goodbye as we were mid conversation and I thought he would reply. But he didn't reply