Kissed someone else while "seeing" someone

EmmaS93

I started dating a guy about 2-3 months ago. When we first started seeing each other, I said that were just going to be in a 'casual non-serious' relationship because I was only just out of a long-term relationship and I am planning to move away. Shortly after we started dating he asked me if we're going to see other people while were 'casually dating' each other and I said I'm not bothered to date other people, I'd rather keep it simple. Then about a month ago I began to develop some feelings when it got sexual and I said I want to take that 'casual hook up' label off and just say we're seeing each other, not in a relationship, but just seeing where things go, so no 'label' as such. He seemed pleased and said he felt the same way. I was glad because he's actually one of the most amazing guys I've ever met. I was unhappy in my last relationship because I was longing to be with someone more in line with me and this guy is.

We have been meeting at least once a week and in the 3 months, my feelings have been very up and down for him. I'm not sure if that's normal but that's how it's been inside my head, maybe because I'm so soon out of a relationship. In the recent weeks I have been feeling 'up' about him and the passion is there. We have briefly talked about the options for when I move away for a year or two. We have talked about him coming to visit multiple times, with the option of either 1. Being in a fully committed long distance relationship or 2. Being in an open relationship but we haven't decided yet if we'll do either. Were still in the "seeing where it goes" stage so we have not discussed the future relationship status in detail, rather we acknowledged that we do have options.

So here is the issue now, last weekend I went to his place for 2 nights and a day. He made me nice breakfast both mornings and treated me to dinner out and had a pretty passionate night. I felt like my emotions were on a high for him but I didn't say anything about it. Then I left his place that morning and went to a concert with my friend, her boyfriend, and his friends. It was a really fun day and long day. We had started drinking since 2 pm and the concert didn't end until 11. I wasn't really drunk but I felt my mind was in a weird fun mode. My friend asked me if this guy and I are exclusive? I said technically were not in a relationship but we did say we're not going to see other people. She asked me if I would care if he kissed someone else? I said that I'm not sure, but I think I would just rather not know about it. So when the concert was over we all went into town after. Probably wasn't the best idea. I was chatting with one of the guys in the group and we were getting on well. Towards the end of the night he began to try to kiss me, at first I was tense and just let him kiss my cheek. Then he got one lip kiss in and I said no I can't because I'm sort of seeing someone. I discussed with him the relationship status and I said I'm feeling a bit confused now. I said I do want to kiss him but I don't think I should, It feels wrong, even though technically I'm not "in a relationship". But I ended up kissing him in the end, multiple lip pecks but no tongue kissing. In my drink filled mind I was thinking hmm I must not really like the guy I'm seeing if I have kissed this other guy on a night out. I also thought that maybe it was OK what had happened as my friend said it's fine because I'm not "in a relationship".

Anyway, I woke up with a sober mind and a sense of pure dread. I feel terrible and I realize I actually really do like this guy. I could picture myself falling in love and us making the ideal couple together but no... I had to go and kiss someone else. I don't want to go out and kiss other guys and If I was out again, I wouldn't do it. I told my mam and she gave me a hard time - saying I have messed up any chance of that relationship up and all he has done is be a gentleman to me. As well saying that I will ruin every relationship if I continue to drink alcohol. While on the other hand, my friend is saying that I shouldn't tell him as we're not in a relationship but just don't go off and kiss another guy again. I explained to my friend in a bit more detail of how our relationship has progressed lately and then she said If I feel this way then maybe I should tell him the truth about the kiss and say that it was a mistake, that what I really want is to be 100% exclusive and that it won't happen again etc.

So basically I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to approach this. I know in my heart I am the type to own up when I do something wrong but I am hoping there is a way to say that will minimise the risk of him just giving up on us. But I guess I can't control that though, I have made my bed.

Any thoughts?

Arrival

"While on the other hand, my friend is saying that I shouldn't tell him as we're not in a relationship"

Your friend comes across as someone who's a bad influence trying to justify bad behaviour. Listen to your Mam. The best thing to do is to be honest and give him opportunity to choose what happens as you've already made your choice to kiss someone outside of this relationship. And I say relationship because that's what it is, read back through everything you've written - for all intents and purposes you are an exclusive couple. You've even spoken about him visiting you when you move away for goodness sake.

What is wrong with people and commitment issues these days. Get over yourselves. If you like someone, let them know and go for it if it's reciprocated.

About how to tell him. Just tell him. Don't make up bull**** about it being the alcohol or in the heat of the moment, none of that because he'll know, people always know. Say you kissed someone else and you regret it and it's made you realise that you wish to be properly exclusive if he feels the same.

JackTaylorFan

Jesus, people who fool themselves into "casual relationship" territory... Yeah, it's not healthy...

leggo

You ****ed up OP. Everything about the relationship you outlined screams 'relationship'. Usually I'd lean towards the "if there's no exclusivity agreement, play ball" but it was you yourself who changed the context of it! Playing the "we never agreed to be exclusive" card will ring extremely hollow, you're only codding yourself and if he's any cop on he'll see straight through that and see you as incredibly dodgy. Similarly if you lie and it comes out (and there were witnesses who could let slip at any second, even without meaning to).

The only way you don't look like a user and an absolute snake is by confessing...like, yesterday. The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to be received. You're going to upset him (in fact if he's not upset you should probably be more worried) but it's the only thing that'll give your relationship a shot and won't leave you riddled with anxiety about it.

Take this opportunity to learn about yourself here. Drunk or not, the lack of thought you put into your partner and disrespect you showed for him in even telling another man you wanted to kiss him betrays quite a self-centred attitude. If you want this guy and/or future partners to see you as a decent partner (lads can spot this stuff a mile off) and be happy with you, do some soul searching and figure out why you did this. How would you feel if he was out behaving this way too? Well you've just made someone you like and who likes you feel that way.

BringBackMick

Do not get caught up on comments in this place btw... usually extremist at the best!

If you just drunken kissed the guy because of lust / missing yer fella and in your heart that was it- put it down to experience - and never do it again --I'd recommend say nothing - nobody wins .

Time will heal -

But if it happens again - you'd need to consider is there a reason for this etc..

Don't get caught up on it if not - and if it was a drunken 2 minute nightclub kiss- do not tell!

Paully D

BringBackMick wrote: »

Do not get caught up on comments in this place btw... usually extremist at the best!

If you just drunken kissed the guy because of lust / missing yer fella and in your heart that was it- put it down to experience - and never do it again --I'd recommend say nothing - nobody wins .

Time will heal -

But if it happens again - you'd need to consider is there a reason for this etc..

Don't get caught up on it if not - and if it was a drunken 2 minute nightclub kiss- do not tell!

It could be risky going that route, mind. All it would take is a comment from her friend and/or for it to get back to someone else. The current guy she is seeing could very easily find out with just a couple of wayward comments from others which she has no control over.

Mokuba

If you had any respect for him you would tell him.

What other things would you be prepared to be dishonest about?

At least give him the respect to let him make up his own mind, don't make a mug out of him.

You made a decision, you should live with the consequences. Simple as that.

Tell him and hope for the best. Would be a deal breaker for me though.

facehugger99

EmmaS93 wrote: »

Any thoughts?

No offence but you sound like a head-melt.

Break up with your boyfriend/partner/fcuk-buddy/casual thing or whatever you happen to be feeling about him today and let him find someone else.

smileyj1987

I would suggest telling because if it comes from someone else it could be a tall tale with extras added on that never happened that could include you went home with him.

Me and the current gf done the same thing at the start and admitted to it immediatlely. It just shows honesty and respect in my eyes.