Girlfriend cheating?

BriannOH

Hi all,

This might be a little long winded so apologies but I can't really talk about this to anyone so any opinions on here would be really helpful and appreciated.

My girlfriend and I are living together in London. We are both Irish, in our late 20's and have been together for 5 years. Things are generally good between us and up until now there's never been a reason to suspect anything.

Recently she started a new job. I've met some of her work colleagues and right away they would have stories of a lot of others in the work place having affairs. There's about 50 of them working together, males and females of all ages.

Anyway, recently I was home in Ireland for a week and was searching in my sent item emails to find an insurance policy number when I noticed some items sent to myself, it was in fact her email account I was in (already signed in on our laptop) and seen she had two selfies (not nude or suggestive) from a work colleague (mid 30's married man, 2 children) sent to herself. I called her immediately and asked about this, she said that her friend (a woman) had sent it to her saying that he fancied her and she didn't want to have that conversations or photos in her phone so she deleted them incase I seen them and got jealous.

This didn't add up to me, she's a good looking girl and I know other men would be interested, she knew a man having an interest in her wouldn't make me jealous, plus why save them at all if they're 2 normal selfies. I wasn't buying the story at all and this continued on for 2 days. I was still in Ireland but I knew by her tone on the phone she wasn't being honest. So late one night (around 2am) I was sick of all the uncertainty so decided to call her bluff and told her I was going to contact his wife unless I got the truth. I figured threat was probably the only way of getting the truth, although I had no interest in actually ruining a family, I just didn't want to waste any more of my life on a relationship if I'm being cheated on.

She called me and told me that she was in fact lying and that he had sent her a few harmless text messages but knew I wouldn't be comfortable because of the stories of other colleagues cheating. She swore that there was nothing more to it and begged me not to end things. I took a week longer than expected at home to think about it all and decided to come back, in the mean time she was contacting me constantly begging me to come back and that I had nothing to worry about, that it was just a few harmless messages.

So anyways I decided to go back and see how I felt or at least to see if things were weird. But after a few days I decided to check out her work phone to see if there was anything there to be suspicious of and I found a call to this guy at 2am the night she admitted to me that they had been texting. That call was just before she called me to admit it all. Just to put stuff into context, she never hides her phones around me but she obviously forgot about this call on her work phone. At no point was she acting weird and is always contactable, nothing suspicous going on with her apart from all the stuff mentioned above.

I'm now in a position where I don't know what to think, she swears that there's nothing at all and that this guy is friends with lot of the girls at work (which I think is true) and that she rang him to tell him his wife was about to get a message all over these deleted innocent messages.

Would someone act like that if the messages were innocent...maybe, would you contact a work colleague at 2am if their wife was about to be messaged by a disgruntled boyfriend even if the messages were innocent...maybe.

But also, when I found out about the photos initially they could both have said to each other, delete everything and deny. Then when I threatened to tell his wife, he could have told her, admit we were texting but nothing else. I'm never going to know what really happened, I don't think there's anything else for me to find,it's either been deleted or nothing more exists...what I'm wondering is am I crazy to be even suggesting there's more going on. She claims I'm bing a psycho to even suggest that she would ever cheat, and up to this point she's never given me 1 reason to think it.

I don't know what to think,

Sorry for the long spiel but it's actually nice to have gotten it off my chest

peckerhead

BriannOH wrote: »

She claims I'm being a psycho to even suggest that she would ever cheat, and up to this point she's never given me 1 reason to think it.

Yet it was only when you called her bluff that you got her to admit she'd been lying to you up until then about the level of contact with this guy.

And you only heard about it in the first place by inadvertently (?) snooping.

I think you know the game is up, tbh.

You could ask her to show you a few of these "harmless" text messages.

But you know she won't.

Mikenesson

It sounds like the game is up either way.

It's not.good when you feel it necessary to resort to threats,right or wrong

BriannOH

peckerhead wrote: »

Yet it was only when you called her bluff that you got her to admit she'd been lying to you up until then about the level of contact with this guy.

And you only heard about it in the first place by inadvertently (?) snooping.

I think you know the game is up, tbh.

You could ask her to show you a few of these "harmless" text messages.

But you know she won't.

I wasn't at all suspicious because things were normal between us

She deleted the text messages. So like I said, I'll never know.

I just wanted a bit of perspective so thank you for the replies. I was thinking maybe I'm reading too much into stuff. Maybe I am crazy to think she's cheated. As she's saying, she's never given me 1 reason to think she's ever been up to something before this.

BriannOH

Mikenesson wrote: »

It sounds like the game is up either way.

It's not.good when you feel it necessary to resort to threats,right or wrong

Absolutely hated doing it and was hoping she would respond, "message away if you like". But I had a gut feeling more was going on so suspected it would bring sabout some form of truth, or at least more than I was getting.

Dickvandyk

Your head will be melted now if you stay with her knock it on the head plenty more fish in the sea

Big Bag of Chips

People who cheat don't necessarily always cheat right from the beginning. So the fact that she have you no reason to ever suspect anything before means nothing. Liars will only ever admit to what they know you know. They will deny everything else until they can't realistically deny it anymore.

It's difficult when someone you love lies to you, or at least is not fully honest with you. Because you love them you want to believe them, and you don't want to be hasty making a decision in case it's the wrong one. Only you can make the decision for yourself. You felt she wasn't being 100% honest, and you were right. It's very likely she's still not being 100% honest. She may not have cheated, but she knows she was inappropriate with another man.

I think it really weird by the way that the first time you met her colleagues they were talking about how many of them/their colleagues are cheating.

BriannOH

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

People who cheat don't necessarily always cheat right from the beginning. So the fact that she have you no reason to ever suspect anything before means nothing. Liars will only ever admit to what they know you know. They will deny everything else until they can't realistically deny it anymore.

It's difficult when someone you love lies to you, or at least is not fully honest with you. Because you love them you want to believe them, and you don't want to be hasty making a decision in case it's the wrong one. Only you can make the decision for yourself. You felt she wasn't being 100% honest, and you were right. It's very likely she's still not being 100% honest. She may not have cheated, but she knows she was inappropriate with another man.

I think it really weird by the way that the first time you met her colleagues they were talking about how many of them/their colleagues are cheating.

Yea they were gossiping amongst themselves rather than actually telling us but it seems to be the culture, or else I'm just terribly naive to other work places.

What gets me is I don't understand why she's begging me to not end things if there is something going on. We're not married or engaged (although that wasn't too far away), no children, we haven't purchased any property, no pets, sex life was normal...why want to stay with someone if you're actively interested in someone else. It doesn't really tie in with her personality and doesn't make much sense. I suppose this is what has me most confused. I wish there was a way I could find out for sure

When I say doesn't make much sense, I don't mean the possible cheating part...I mean why beg to stay with a man that you're not tied down to. Surely if you want to be with other people you just go and do that...but with the freedom of single life and not having to hide your tracks

Paully D

Either way now, the trust is gone and unfortunately that almost always signals the end.

Would you ever be able to trust her again? All the time in the back of your mind you’ll be thinking she’s up to something she shouldn’t be.

It’s very difficult, if almost impossible, for a way back when trust breaks down.

Rekop dog

BriannOH wrote: »

What gets me is I don't understand why she's begging me to not end things if there is something going on. We're not married or engaged (although that wasn't too far away), no children, we haven't purchased any property, no pets, sex life was normal...why want to stay with someone if you're actively interested in someone else. It doesn't really tie in with her personality and doesn't make much sense. I suppose this is what has me most confused. I wish there was a way I could find out for sure

When I say doesn't make much sense, I don't mean the possible cheating part...I mean why beg to stay with a man that you're not tied down to. Surely if you want to be with other people you just go and do that...but with the freedom of single life and not having to hide your tracks

I can think of plenty of reasons why she'd be begging you to stay even if she did do it. Maybe she doesn't want to admit it and the associated shame that comes with it with family and friends who'll find out shes cheated. Maybe she did it but regrets it. Maybe she wants to stay with you for other reasons, you may treat her well or have financial securities but you don't satisfy her fully in the bedroom. There's countless reasons.

The seed of doubt is planted in your head now and the lies you exspoed when you cornered her proves you can never fully trust her. I feel for you as 5 years is a long time to be with someone and having to make a decision on minor evidence and gut instincts is never easy, especially when you want to believe someone you love deeply wouldn't think of doing something so hurtful to you.

BriannOH

Thanks all for the advice, just hearing that I’m not crazy or a “psycho” for having these thoughts is very helpful. She thinks I’m an a**hole for even suggesting that she might have cheated.

although it kills me I realise I can never trust her again, it may well have all been innocent but she had so many opportunities to come forward with the truth but instead she always waited until I found out a little bit more and it actually made me feel like the person in the wrong to have looked at her phone etc

Thanks again for the advice

Purple Mountain

Dickvandyk wrote: »

Your head will be melted now if you stay with her knock it on the head plenty more fish in the sea

It's a 5 year relationship not just a non committed casual thing.

Neyite

Mod:

Reminder to all - don't request updates from the op. They are under no obligation to do so.

LLMMLL

I don’t think there’s any point viewing “why would she want to stay with me” as potential evidence of whether she cheated or not. The reasons you gave why she would probably want to leave you if she had in fact been cheating were all rational reasons. And people are rarely that rational.

There are countless people in unsuitable relationships for various reasons. And I’m not convinced the people themselves actually know the reasons.

So in the end, if she was cheating, sure she COULD leave you, but the fact that she hasn’t broken up with you does not mean she didn’t cheat.

Mokuba

Trust your gut.

It will not lead you wrong.

Contessa Raven

BriannOH wrote: »

What gets me is I don't understand why she's begging me to not end things if there is something going on. We're not married or engaged (although that wasn't too far away), no children, we haven't purchased any property, no pets, sex life was normal...why want to stay with someone if you're actively interested in someone else.

Surely if you want to be with other people you just go and do that...but with the freedom of single life and not having to hide your tracks

There are a number of reasons why she might want to stay.

1. This guy's married. Even if she is seriously into him, he's probably not going to leave his wife.
2. It's exciting for her to have someone unattainable lusting after her. She gets to play into it with him and feel desired but still have her "special someone" at home.
3. There is a chance that she doesn't even like him all that much but she enjoys his attention and flattery.

It's difficult to understand the motivation for this type of behaviour but from observing it a few times here in PI and once or twice IRL, these are the most common reasons I see.

homerjay2005

Mokuba wrote: »

Trust your gut.

It will not lead you wrong.

yes and no. theres lot of people who wrongly believe their partner is doing something (or isnt :eek:) doing something and get it wrong!

Its all in the context of particular cases.

LegacyUser

Hang on could she be ringing him at 2am to warn him that her boyfriend was going to contact his wife over two photos in an email, or where does that fit into the timeframe?

Murdoc90

feel for you op seems like a mess, either way you won't be able to trust her now. her calling you a psycho, asshole etc is probably her deflecting like you're the one who is in the wrong, it's not like you went looking for it either you stumbled across is by complete fluke. wish you the best as have been in a similar situation in the past, 5 years is a long time.

Mr. Incognito

She rang him to tell him the gig was up and to get their stories straight.

You already know its over.

Its hard but she's already gone into defence mode and making out like its YOUR fault and YOU are psycho

Classic manipulation.

Get out my friend.

JeffKenna

OP I know it's a very hard pill to swallow but at least you've found out now as opposed to being married with kids.

It's disappointing but you need to move on with your life, best of luck.

Floppybits

Unfortunately OP its time to go. When you get called and Physco by your other half its time to leave. You know what she thinks of you now. For me it is one of the most hurtful things an other half could say to someone.

Whether there is something there or not it sounds like the trust is gone and it doesn't look like she is doing anything to build back up that trust.

I know it is tough but for your own sake leave. Maybe she will cop herself on and see what a fool she has been.

TheBoyConor

the gig is up man. The trust is gone.
Dump her