Boyfriend Holiday with female he slept with

mishelE

My boyfriend and I are in a great relationship. we've been together for almost 2 years and the more time we spend together the better we get on and we are seriously considering moving in together soon and are quite positive about it. when we do argue is when it comes to other girls. He has admitted to having a wandering eye, (not hand though) and I do trust that he would not actually physically do anything. He also is one to often comment on how pretty other girls are and compliment them (also when I am there). here's the deal: There's this female friend he has been friends with since high school. He goes on a trip every year with her and 2 other friends (2 guys 2 girls in total). He has told me that he had feelings for her in the past or a while and they ended up sleeping together a couple of years ago. They remained friends after and last year he went on the same trip and he hadn't even told me there had been sth in the past between them. My boyfriend has not told me he loves me yet ever, although I do think he does, but him having feelings for someone is a big deal because he does not develop them quickly. this makes this girl all the more of a no go for me. about 5 months ago they were going to meet just the two of them because he said he wanted to get "closer" to her again which I honestly hated. He has other female and male friends and I am more than happyy for him to spend time with them eat but this girl really bothers me. It bothered me 5 months ago when they did end up meeting up, but I did tell him that it hurt me and he hasn't seen her since then. I did suggest maybe me meeting her would be an option to solve this. he agreed but I still haven't met her. Last time they were going to meet just the two of them he told me everything that had happened in the past and also that she is single and he is not sure what her intentions are because as he says she had been acting "strangely". He did try to adjust to he situation by not having seen her since then, but he just told me about this trip and I have been really hurt. I fell very uneasy because she ticks all his boxes and although I don't think he would actually physically do anything it's hurtful for me, there's just this huge knot in my stomach. They are going as 4 people in total so I am wondering why he hasn't considered maybe asking me to join? I really like him otherwise, we are great at communicating ect and we want to be together but it is hurting me a lot and I don't know how to solve this situation. when he told me we were on our way home and I kind of ignored him, I needed time to think (because I was quite hurt) and right now I don't really feel like talking to him / seeing him. how can we solve this? He sees it's hurting me a lot.

Bmw123d

mishelE wrote: »

snipped quoted op

I’m a lad and I’m fairly sure if that was the other way around he would be well and truely gone. Second point is if that was me my wife wouldn’t stay with me and I would expect that. But I do love her dearly and wouldn’t do anything like that to hurt her. And third I’d be giving him the option of pull back or you will leave him. No point saying that he can meet up with her just when ur around. Because he will go behind ur back then.

And lastly he has some neck telling u that then telling u he was meeting up with her now telling u he’s going on holidays with her. I’m sorry but get the BOAT. who does he actually think he is. U need to take a firm stance on this

LolaJJ

I think your boyfriend is taking you for granted and is possibly passive aggressively asserting his power in the relationship by suggesting his interest in other women, compliments, telling you his history with this girl and then planning this trip..... I'm guessing he's getting an ego trip or getting off on your jealousy due to his own insecurity in himself - he's making you insecure. Not saying he loves you etc after 2 years....

It's like he's giving you enough information to drive you crazy, and not enough to justify you breaking up with him - which by the way is what I would do.

If someone is melting your brain and consistently does things that make you feel unhappy/confused/irrational/jealous/anxious - then that is a reason enough to take a break from the relationship and/or be upfront about how you feel and tell him what you will and won't accept.

Preserve your sanity here.

I have ex's i stayed on good terms with, the spark will always come back when I see them - so I don't see them anymore because i'm really happy with my boyfriend and his feelings are WAAAAY to important to me to risk hurting or losing him. I'm pretty sure he thinks the same way....don't be pushed around x

LegacyUser

Some of the dilemmas in personal issues leave me utterly speechless and it's always one's like these.
I cannot comprehend how anyone would put up with this nonsense.

This guy does not have any respect for you whatsoever and is using you like an option. Why aren't you going on the holiday. If my man went on holiday with another girl and two more id have ended it the moment he told me (after laughing in his face first)

I wouldn't believe a word he says, how do you intend to move in with someone that has never told you they love you? That's a major leap in any relationship you'd want to be pretty sure you love someone before you do that which leads me to think he isnt the person you think he is. If he's so invested in how she is acting strangely and yet doesn't give a crap how you feel about going on a holiday with someone he has slept with shows you where his head is.

You deserve better , there's billions of men on this planet go and find one that doesn't go on holidays with exes and will make sure their last breath is to tell you they love you. They are out there.

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This post has been deleted.

ahnow

Why is he complimenting other girls, especially in front of you? That in itself is the HEIGHT of disrespect. I know you said you have a great relationship despite these issues when it comes to other women...but these are no small issues. What is he actually playing at dangling this “thing” with the other girl like that over you? I would not be arsed, and you shouldn’t either.
I dont usually recommend giving someone the boot on here but this clown needs to be given the boot, that is some disrespectful bull**** right there.


Also a 2 year relationship with no “I love you” mentioned is bonkers. He sounds really immature

mojesius

He sounds like a bit of a selfish headmelt to be honest with you.

He sees that it's hurting you a lot yet he's doing nothing to resolve it for you. His actions, his plans have caused this situation but he's quite content to sit back and let you feel insecure, jealous and uncertain about the relationship (which are perfectly normal reactions to his behaviour). All while he plans this trip with this girl
and friends without you.

Under what circumstances are you supposed to be okay with this trip happening? A. They all go together, you don't go and spend the time fretting over what's going on. B. You go on the trip and it's bloody awkward because he's put this girl on a pedestal and you know the history.

The C option is that he doesn't go out of respect for your relationship, but you shouldn't even have to ask him this.

LegacyUser

mojesius wrote: »

He sounds like a bit of a selfish headmelt to be honest with you.

He sees that it's hurting you a lot yet he's doing nothing to resolve it for you.

The OP says he stopped seeing her 5 months ago when she told him it hurt her. The trip is a slightly different thing as it's not just the two of them, it's a group of friends from school that go away together regularly. The OP asks why she hasn't been invited but hasn't said if OH of any of the others are included on these trips. If yes then it's time for a serious sit down chat with the BF but if not then it's not her BF places to invite her along. if the girl in question is a mutual friend of lots of his other friends it means stopping going on group trips with that group of friends entirely. BF will have to make the choice if he wants to do that for the OP or not.

lulu1

OP There is no way on this earth I would agree to my boyfriend of 2 years going on holiday with another woman. I'm so sorry to have to say it but

If he had any real feelings for you he wouldn't even think of going off with someone else

BetsyEllen

Ah OP I feel really bad for you.
I thought this was going to be another typical controlling girlfriend thread but he is treating you incredibly disrespectfully.

This is a horrible situation as you clearly love him.

You’re going to need to have a very frank discussion about how his behavior makes you feel.
All of what you’ve described though would be a deal breaker for me personally but that’s easy to say when you’re not the person actually going through it.

I can’t believe he’s arranged a holiday after knowing you’re uncomfortable with their relationship...he must think that you’re just going to take it though even though it hurts you. That’s not the behavior of someone that loves you. When you love a person you specifically go out of your way to make them feel happy and would avoid anything that may cause them any distress.

You say he didn’t see her for 5 months but he was clearly still in contact as otherwise how was the holiday arranged? So he’s been going behind your back which is strange if there’s nothing to worry about.

Neyite

It would help if you figure out where your red line is. Just because there's nothing physical between them it does not mean that you've to live with them both trampling all over your feelings. He actually sounds like a total headwrecker and seems to like making you feel on edge and insecure. Fcuk that like.

This is an ex - someone he was attracted to enough to have sex with. There's still something there between them, whether that's some sort of frisson, or flirting or right on into an emotional affair. And now he's going on holiday with her and not you. TBH, that would be a red line for me. I would not be around when he returned.

Big Bag of Chips

They may have all gone on holiday together previously, but when circumstances change, then things have to change. Are any of the others in relationships? If they were all totally, 100% platonic friends then, maybe, fair enough. But they're not. He has slept with her. He has told you he wants to get "closer" to her.

You are being taken for a fool. You're not alright with this, and you don't have to pretend you are. He seems to be cleverly manipulating you into believing that this is all fair enough because he's telling you about it. But it's not. You're not ok with it, and I can't imagine too many people being ok with their partner of 2 years still sniffing around someone they previously slept with, and who they admit they want to get closer too.

Maybe he is just totally and completely unaware. If so then you need to point out to him how disrespectful his behaviour is. If he doesn't understand then you don't have to stay around to be made feel like you're the consolation prize. Or maybe he is very aware, and as someone else mentioned you're the 'option', you'll do to fill in time until his wandering eye spots something else, or until yer wan decides she wants to get "closer" to him too.

jon1981

This guys sounds like an utter plank! It's come across like he's nearly confiding in you about this girl.

He's telling you things about their relationship with each other, making you feeling uncomfortable, won't let you meet her, yet is going away on holidays with her? ...very odd situation.



So if my calculations are right he would have come up with this beauty just after 1 yr together?

they were going to meet just the two of them because he said he wanted to get "closer" to her again which I honestly hated

Don't be a rug.

Emme

You are being played. Dump him.

heretothere

He has never said I love you after 2 years, I think that is very odd!! Have you said it to him?

Also agree with others, if they are a group of 4 friends from school who meet up every year for a little holiday and everyone is 100% platonic then whilst you might not fully like it, you'd have to lump it. As it is he has slept with one of the girls and 'wants to get closer to her'. If they are not still close friends why do they all go on holidays each year? Have you meet any of these other great friends that he goes away with annually?

I would not be moving in with him until you are sure you're not a substitute girl. I hope I' not coming across as harsh but that's the cold truth.

uck51js9zml2yt

Why are you still with him?

Arrival

mishelE wrote: »

My boyfriend and I are in a great relationship. we've been together for almost 2 years and the more time we spend together the better we get on and we are seriously considering moving in together soon and are quite positive about it. when we do argue is when it comes to other girls. He has admitted to having a wandering eye, (not hand though) and I do trust that he would not actually physically do anything. He also is one to often comment on how pretty other girls are and compliment them (also when I am there). here's the deal: There's this female friend he has been friends with since high school. He goes on a trip every year with her and 2 other friends (2 guys 2 girls in total). He has told me that he had feelings for her in the past or a while and they ended up sleeping together a couple of years ago. They remained friends after and last year he went on the same trip and he hadn't even told me there had been sth in the past between them. My boyfriend has not told me he loves me yet ever, although I do think he does, but him having feelings for someone is a big deal because he does not develop them quickly. this makes this girl all the more of a no go for me. about 5 months ago they were going to meet just the two of them because he said he wanted to get "closer" to her again which I honestly hated. He has other female and male friends and I am more than happyy for him to spend time with them eat but this girl really bothers me. It bothered me 5 months ago when they did end up meeting up, but I did tell him that it hurt me and he hasn't seen her since then. I did suggest maybe me meeting her would be an option to solve this. he agreed but I still haven't met her. Last time they were going to meet just the two of them he told me everything that had happened in the past and also that she is single and he is not sure what her intentions are because as he says she had been acting "strangely". He did try to adjust to he situation by not having seen her since then, but he just told me about this trip and I have been really hurt. I fell very uneasy because she ticks all his boxes and although I don't think he would actually physically do anything it's hurtful for me, there's just this huge knot in my stomach. They are going as 4 people in total so I am wondering why he hasn't considered maybe asking me to join? I really like him otherwise, we are great at communicating ect and we want to be together but it is hurting me a lot and I don't know how to solve this situation. when he told me we were on our way home and I kind of ignored him, I needed time to think (because I was quite hurt) and right now I don't really feel like talking to him / seeing him. how can we solve this? He sees it's hurting me a lot.

This is just absolutely mad to me, to be together two years and to not have told each other you love one another and still be using the term 'like'. From what you describe otherwise it sounds like there's an issue with lack of respect; why point out other pretty girls to his girlfriend, that's just straight up disrespect, what point does it serve? If i was in a relationship with a girl and she was doing all of these things I'd honestly just end the relationship, it seems like he's with you out of convenience like a loser who can't actually decide what he wants seriously and go for it. Two years without telling you he loves you, bellend!

Purple Mountain

Sorry to say..you're a doormat.

LegacyUser

Personally, I wouldn't be happy if my partner was always commenting about how pretty girls in the vicinity are. Whether he'd actually physically do anything about it doesn't matter. Just the fact that he's tone deaf to my feelings would be upsetting enough for me. I know myself that if I were to continue the relationship, I would only get more and more hurt by his comments. So I'd rather end it.

Going on holidays with an ex would only make the situation worse. It would be another huge reason for me to end the relationship.

Every relationship is different, and everyone has different boundaries. You have to decide what boundaries are important for you, and to stick by them. It's for your own peace of mind. I have children and a partner I find supportive, yet we still argue over silly things. Add to that general life stresses, financial worries etc and things can escalate quickly. You need to be with someone you feel you can trust to get through the tough days. If you're with someone you can't trust, it only magnifies normal life stresses.

Censorsh!t

Have you brought up the fact he compliments other girls in front of you? It's disrespectful - what does he want you to think? Does he want you to compare yourself to these girls? I don't understand what he gets out of telling you this? Tell him its disrespectful and makes you uncomfortable. This, on top of the fact he hasn't told you he loves you after two years - it would have me extremely insecure and questioning everything about the relationship.

And that's not even the biggest issue here. Tell him how you feel - if he gets defensive and can't understand where you are coming from, get out of there. If he decides to compromise, then maybe (and only maybe) consider staying with him.

theoldbreed

Please, please, please respect yourself because he clearly doesn't. I was in a very similar situation years ago with a guy I was madly in love with. I was young and didn't have the strength to leave because I loved him. He treated me appallingly. He lied, cheated and laughed in my face when I confronted him. He went away with a group of friends including an ex. He slept with her, she answered his phone when I called and laughed at me. When I asked him who she was, he replied it's none of your concern.
That relationship damaged my self esteem so much it took me years, and I mean years, to repair it.
Do not make the same mistake. You deserve better. There is way better out there. I know you love him and aren't ready to leave but please heed my advice. Confide in someone you trust, they'll help you break away from him. Do not waste anymore time on him. Life is really feckin short.

suicide_circus

You dont get to go on holiday with a former lover and leave your partner at home.

Most men have a wandering eye. Most women too. But you keep your gob shut out of respect for your partner's feelings. It's good breeding and common sense. You're boyfriend has neither and I can guarantee he won't change. He hasn't told you he loves you because he dosnt love you. We don't treat those we love like this.

JackTaylorFan

I stopped reading after the part about being together for two years and he still has you wondering if he even loves you...

Get out...

Unanimous

First of all, I would like to say to you that you are not in anyway over reacting and you are right to feel the way you feel. I am pretty sure that if you planned a trip with another guy from your past he would feel disrespected.
I have seen situations where one partner has an upper hand in a relationship and they keep doing stuff that they would never take from their partner. This is a form of emotional abuse to you.
It could also be a psychological problem on his part where people keep making selfish decisions to hurt those they are with because they keep looking outside for something that may not exist. At the end of the day, they find themselves in a situation where they have to make a decision between two people or lead other people on and have to break their hearts or yours. Thats when you start hearing the "the its not you its me, the I am sorrys and bla bla bla.)

I suggest you tell him straight up how you feel and what you are ready to accept or not to accept, then give him the chance to either carry on and walk away from the relationship or do what is right and respect his girlfriend in the way he carries on.
I once had a guy was so flirty and would do worse things that yours had done and made me to believe I was the jealous/crazy one.

My advice for you is to be firm and let him know that this is a deal breaker for you.
And ask yourself if the good times in this relationship is worth risking yourself esteem as I fear that his flirty attitude can make you start comparing yourself or competing with other women.