Parenting advice

Lori2018

My husband comes home from work most evenings super stressed and in no form for our kids, he’s so distant with them, we have two young girls and I feel they are losing out on a relationship with their dad, he will look after them, but gives them no attention at all, like their not his.. I’m curious if anyone else’s husband are like this with their kids?

Dardania

I probably am guilty of the same thing! Are you my wife?!

Without defending this behaviour too much, needless to say I'm not happy with it, and how my daughters might feel about it. In the short term, I find taking a catnap to switch my brain off after work helpful. Also, getting outside with the older girl to the playground is a great way to give her time without being too intense/demanding.

Longer term, I'm trying to change my work situation to be less stressful. As I also find that at the weekend, I've only fully switched off by Sunday morning if I'm lucky. Basically means that we should be happy with a smaller house, and to work less (e.g. 3 days per week) in order to get a better balance.

Somewhere I read before that for a child, 80% is turning up / being there. So I take some solace that at least I'm there, and not woring abroad all the time etc.

Lori2018

Dardania wrote: »

I probably am guilty of the same thing! Are you my wife?!

Without defending this behaviour too much, needless to say I'm not happy with it, and how my daughters might feel about it. In the short term, I find taking a catnap to switch my brain off after work helpful. Also, getting outside with the older girl to the playground is a great way to give her time without being too intense/demanding.

Longer term, I'm trying to change my work situation to be less stressful. As I also find that at the weekend, I've only fully switched off by Sunday morning if I'm lucky. Basically means that we should be happy with a smaller house, and to work less (e.g. 3 days per week) in order to get a better balance.

Somewhere I read before that for a child, 80% is turning up / being there. So I take some solace that at least I'm there, and not woring abroad all the time etc.

Yeah that’s true and I appreciate he’s there and don’t mind giving him he’s space, but I worry even when he is there, their pretty much left to defend for themselves.. the other day we were out and one of the girls tripped and he asked our four year daughter to pick her up while he was on the phone, it’s like their bottom of his priorities even when he is around, which they don’t mind because they don’t know any better, they just enjoy having him there.

shesty

This annoys me a bit.I am a full time working mum and it is bloody hard to come home and switch into child mode immediately.Which I have to do, because I do the evening pick up.My husband comes in maybe 45 mins before they go to bed (he does the mornings).Mostly he is great. I have realised that it is up to me to make the effort with the kids in the evenings, not to expect them to accommodate me and how tired I might be (because sure they haven't a clue!).It is very hard to make dinner, try to get your brain out of the day at work, and deal with two smallies and all their demands straight away.But you know what, it's a couple of hours every day and they are my kids.I make sure my phone is not handy and I make it a rule not to pick it up.They are less crazy if I am fully present.I've also started to sit down and watch tv or whatever with them for the hour before bedtime....it works wonders for them, because they know I will be fully available to them in that time, no phone or housework.The onus is on your husband to realise these things, and put the effort in.Coming home tired and stressed is not really an excuse to my mind, particularly not if it is only an hour or so of his day.Nobody cares if I'm tired or stressed, dinner still has to be made, and the kids still want and need me to be present for them even just to sit and watch them play.(never mind the other housework like washing, making lunches etc, won't get into that....)
That's how I see it - maybe it's selfish, but there you go.

Lori2018

shesty wrote: »

This annoys me a bit.I am a full time working mum and it is bloody hard to come home and switch into child mode immediately.Which I have to do, because I do the evening pick up.My husband comes in maybe 45 mins before they go to bed (he does the mornings).Mostly he is great. I have realised that it is up to me to make the effort with the kids in the evenings, not to expect them to accommodate me and how tired I might be (because sure they haven't a clue!).It is very hard to make dinner, try to get your brain out of the day at work, and deal with two smallies and all their demands straight away.But you know what, it's a couple of hours every day and they are my kids.I make sure my phone is not handy and I make it a rule not to pick it up.They are less crazy if I am fully present.I've also started to sit down and watch tv or whatever with them for the hour before bedtime....it works wonders for them, because they know I will be fully available to them in that time, no phone or housework.The onus is on your husband to realise these things, and put the effort in.Coming home tired and stressed is not really an excuse to my mind, particularly not if it is only an hour or so of his day.Nobody cares if I'm tired or stressed, dinner still has to be made, and the kids still want and need me to be present for them even just to sit and watch them play.(never mind the other housework like washing, making lunches etc, won't get into that....)
That's how I see it - maybe it's selfish, but there you go.

I think he just finds being away from them the best way of dealing with stress which I understand, but I feel that has just taken over, he brings work home as well which I think has really messed things up..
It’s like he doesn’t feel the responsibility to be involved which I’ve accepted, its kinda frustrating because it’s his choice.

whiskeyman

This isn't a parenting issue - it's a stress issue for him which is impacting you all.
Why super stressed?
Can he address this? Has he tried?
Change job / inform boss of workload etc...
Does he need better work / life balance.

It's not good for your daughters, but it's not good for him or you either.

I know lots of people in stressful jobs, but they can switch it off once they come home.
I'm not saying it's easy - parenting where both parents are working is damn hard.

Lori2018

whiskeyman wrote: »

This isn't a parenting issue - it's a stress issue for him which is impacting you all.
Why super stressed?
Can he address this? Has he tried?
Change job / inform boss of workload etc...
Does he need better work / life balance.

It's not good for your daughters, but it's not good for him or you either.

I know lots of people in stressful jobs, but they can switch it off once they come home.
I'm not saying it's easy - parenting where both parents are working is damn hard.

I’m not too sure it’s just the way he is

shesty

Lori2018 wrote: »

I think he just finds being away from them the best way of dealing with stress which I understand, but I feel that has just taken over, he brings work home as well which I think has really messed things up..
It’s like he doesn’t feel the responsibility to be involved which I’ve accepted, its kinda frustrating because it’s his choice.

But the thing is he doesn't really have a choice.They are his kids.Have you ever spoken to him about it?
I agree with the last poster, he needs to figure out how to manage the stress/workload too for his own sake.

melmoth77

Hi op I sympathize - as said above, not easy being working parents! I was shattered after work when pregnant with my second one, and felt guilty that I was distant with my daughter after work. I know this was temporary for me but one thing I found worked really well was to have a little activity planned in advance each day. Something not too taxing - putting together a lego kit, asking them to make an underwater sea scene out of play dough, making a card - something I could just watch her do and comment on. Even a half hour every day of this worked well for us. May not work for your situation, but best of luck whatever you do!

mordeith

Lori2018 wrote: »

I think he just finds being away from them the best way of dealing with stress which I understand, but I feel that has just taken over, he brings work home as well which I think has really messed things up..
It’s like he doesn’t feel the responsibility to be involved which I’ve accepted, its kinda frustrating because it’s his choice.

If you are referring to him being involved as a father then no it's not his choice, it's his responsibility to be involved. I'm often not back from work until nearly 7 o'clock and the kids would be going to bed in the next hour or 90 mins. I make sure I have time to have a quick chat to them or get involved with something their doing. It's beneficial for the kids as well as for me as I don't feel I have missed a complete day without some interaction with them.

Lori2018

mordeith wrote: »

If you are referring to him being involved as a father then no it's not his choice, it's his responsibility to be involved. I'm often not back from work until nearly 7 o'clock and the kids would be going to bed in the next hour or 90 mins. I make sure I have time to have a quick chat to them or get involved with something their doing. It's beneficial for the kids as well as for me as I don't feel I have missed a complete day without some interaction with them.

I mean he makes the choice not to interact with them even in his free time, he’d rather watch tv in a different room, even though they’d happily watch what he wants, but they know what he’s like, and I don’t want him to feel like he’s not doing enough either

mordeith

Lori2018 wrote: »

and I don’t want him to feel like he’s not doing enough either

Well from what you're saying, he isn't.