Sons dad being too controlling/overbearing

LegacyUser

I hope this isn't going to be a long post but this situation has been ongoing for a very long time so where to start is a bit hazy.

I'm a single mother (or was) now I'm with my new partner and have a 11yo and 6yo from previous relationships.

Through the years I have struggled with keeping the family balanced. I had to put a roof over our heads and pay the rent and bills and also had to find time to look after the children and their needs. I admit It was unbalanced and work had to come first and pray the kids didn't need anything additional..it wore me down to the core as I was so stressed that I had a breakdown and anxiety took over.
Dealing with that was scary and I felt so alone, but I recovered on my own and in my own way. No one understood what I was going through.

My son's school accused me of neglect over minor of things and in the midst of this my son got diagnosed with autism, and it was quite apparent that he needed me more so I reduced my working hours to part time and got help from the welfare system and helped him organise himself and be there for him.
I changed his school and through the charity and hse I feel let down that they have cut any service available. I remember calling asking for a report and any information on speech and language and they simply told me they didn't have the paper to print it out for me. Cutbacks
I was told His speech and language sessions were taken away as he was dropped from hse as he was under the charities care now. To rub salt in the wound I received his final report from all the evaluations from the hse in February and an apology letter stating that I should have got that report over 2 years ago but due to a very long sick leave by the officer that it's just been sent now...this country is an absolute shambles to be honest and I intend to take that matter further as I feel I need to do it for the next person that so badly needs that help.

I have had meeting after meeting with his school asking to see work and reports to keep up to date with how he is doing at school so that I can help him where he is struggling but it's as though they go missing or theyre not ready or that it's not how they do things and that is not policy.
It takes 3 weeks of asking for a meeting to see his teacher. As he is heading to secondary school soon he sat an entrance exam and I was eager to get the results for that to see if he needed to stay back a year and was told yes I will have that in an envelope in the morning, then suddenly that cannot be given to me as it's against school data policy. (He got an above average result in that exam which I'm thrilled about).

Whilst all this is going on my son has learnt to pull at my heartstrings and the guilt of being made feel like a bad parent has led me to give him what he wants which I now realise was the worst possible thing I could have done. His respect for me isn't there and I have done a 360 and the tough love is going to have to abide by for the time being. I'm being very careful that it in no way hinders my relationship with him.

His father has sat on the side lines the whole time defaming me as a mother yet he never stepped in and helped. He travelled and took his partner away every weekend and done whatever he liked and now he is settled and starting a family he wants to be involved and have his son move in with him and his cosy new family.
He stands talking to teachers and even my partner about me and even to me that whatever he assumes about me is true when that is nothing compared to reality of things. That I don't know how to cook or educate my son yet my daughter is above average in her class and that he is on his Xbox 24/7 which is a load of utter rubbish. We are an active family and always doing things but he has this
bubble above him and it's correct because he thinks it is.. He doesn't want to look at facts and I have simply had enough of justifying my lifestyle to him, my partner has started to feel the need to tell him that what he thinks isn't right but I think that is beyond disrespectful I simply don't have the time or dignity left.
I don't think I deserve to be put in a situation where I'm spoken down to. Yes I've made mistakes but I've done my damndest to turn them around. I feel everyone that could and should have supported me has let me down and now I get the blame for everything and it's turning me a little bit bitter and that is not me. Full stop.

Every child needs their father and he's going to be in his life but I want nothing more to do with him in terms of having any type of conversation as it boils down to me being a bad mother and I don't need that in my life. I just have to find a way of making sure I find the best way to communicate that to him. Any advice on the best steps?

I also appreciate that I have been completely honest and I in no way want any judgement here just advice. Thank you for listening

nikkibikki

It sounds like you've worked damn hard at rearing your kids practically single handedly.

Can you write down in a letter in black and white everything as in your post.

Or maybe mediation might be the only way forward.